We can't be together because of circumstance

[Sleepinmummy]

I have been 'seeing' this guy for eight months now. How we met is quite the romantic story but irrelevant. We get on incredibly well and the connection is electric - I've never felt this before, ever. We know each other well and we have a way of being able to tell each other anything.

Here comes the problem, we thought at first it would just be something fun and casual as neither of us were looking for a relationship. Thing is now we've realised there is something special we have to end it.

We cannot ever be together because we live far away from each other and both have kids (it's not an affair btw) and so cannot relocate due to ex's, iyswim. Whilst I would love to live in the countryside where he is, I could not cope with all that driving so that my kids could see their father. Plus I think what we have is perhaps a bit fantasy because of the limited time together. A relationship built on fun times, not real life when we are together.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for, but I suppose I wondered if anyone else had to give up someone they had very strong feelings for because they could never be together properly? It's kind of like the one that got away....

If you wanted to be together you would be.

There's always one person in a relationship who 'wants it more' and in this one it sounds as if it's you, OP. Why is he not considering these things as you are?

Yes, I think you'll have to give him up - not because the problems are insurmountable - because they're not - but he obviously doesn't feel as strongly as you do.

Why not just enjoy what you do have? Perhaps later you can make a home together. Kids grow up very fast.

I agree, why not enjoy the fun times?

I do understand.

Kind of been there, done that.

All relationships start with the "good times" thing remember, then we get to the washing smelly socks bit. And wondering if he's ever going to take the bin out and change the loo roll.

How long have you been together? If it's not hurting right now, then I would just carry on and see what happens. Never say never.

If it does manage to last despite the practicalities, then one day those children won't be children any more.....

Thanks for the messages. If I was older and my kids were older I would carry on, but I've just turned 30 and would like to get married and have another child one day, and I'm worried that if I carry on, it will only end one bad...bad. But then I wonder about taking a leap of faith. But then, how do you become a proper couple and grow when you have two hours between you and time is so limited? We've both been really badly burned in previous relationships. The sheer thought of not seeing or talking to him again hurts so much.

It is hard.

But I'm a bit of a leap of faith kind of girl.

Would you want to wake up in 20 yrs with what-if still in your head?

If you want to be togethera distance of 2 hours is nothingyou would make it work somehow, you would find a way.

My XH and his gf live about 4 hours away from each other. They've been together about 4 years now and will be moving in with each other at some point in the next year or so. They see each other quite a bit and all children have met each other. I think it can work but it does probably put things on another level.

When you say you have two hours between you, what does that mean? That you only get to spend two hours together, or that it takes two hours to get from one home to the other? Because that doesn't seem like very much.

Have you got space for both families to spend weekends together and take it from there?

Sorry but two hours is not "far away". If you remain together and things develop to a point where you could consider moving in together, you could move halfway which would presumably be only an hour from your respective ex's. Having said that, you are still in the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship so why not enjoy what you have right now and see how you feel if/when it actually comes time to take it further?

Yes it's a two hour drive. Because of when I have my kids and he has his we can't see each other often. I do think if we were to introduce the kids we'd be able to see each other more regularly, as at the moment it's fairly infrequent. We have never actually spoken about 'us' in person - I suppose we don't want to ruin what little time we have together.

I suppose I just wonder that if it does develop how could my kids still have a proper relationship with their father who has such regular contact. Am I being selfish?

Sometimes life just doesn't allow things to work out. It's sad.

However, while a two hour drive makes things more difficult, it's not unsurmountable. I commuted that for years. But you have to feel it's worthwhile or it just feels exhausting and not worth the effort.

If you are really head over heels, I wouldn't see it as a barrier to spending every other weekend together if you can co-ordinate your Xs contact times. EOW over another year or two is enough time to see if there's enough substance to the relationship to start looking at longer-term arrangements. If you were that crazy about each other you would both be jumping through hoops to make your CXs contact times marry up to facilitate this. Most Xs (unless they're complete fuckwits) will accommodate occasional changes to the schedule to make the dates fall more usefully for a partner (e.g. for weekend work shifts), as long as you're not changing things every five minutes.

Is this a mutual decision? Are you the one thinking of calling it off, or is it him? If it's him, be mindful of the fact that he may just not feel you have enough there to go the distance but is trying to let you down gently.

It's him saying that he's scared we're both going to get hurt and that our feelings are only going to grow and make it harder, but we've not actually come to discuss giving it a go or how it would work.

tbh I'm a bit torn on this one.

On the one hand I agree that if you're happy as things are currently then why end a decent relationship.

But on the other hand if there really is no future then it is far better to discuss that while you’re still at the beginning stages than to fall deeply in love and to then realise there is no future and to get far more hurt than you would otherwise.

But you need to decide what your limits are e.g. can you really not see each other weekends/holidays until such times as one of you can move? Even if that is in years to come? Is never seeing or speaking to each other ever again really preferable to a few years of living a long distance relationship?

I agree that it’s not as simple as say, moving halfway etc esp if you both have children and 50/50 contact and so on. But equally you are in a new relationship and there really is no absolute rush to be together right now. Yes perhaps you would like to get married again in the future and have more children, but there are no guarantees in life.

LDR’s aren’t for everyone, and I disagree with those that say two hours is no distance at all – it is when you have no way of moving to be together and if you don’t see each other regularly, and perhaps that is the key, how often do you see each other?

Fwiw I am in a not dissimilar situation in that I am in a relationship with someone who is three hours away from me and currently neither of us is in a position to move to be together because I have a ds who has 50/50 between me and my ex so no possibility of me moving, and he has a job which he has been in for the past twenty years and which is in a specialist field so not easy to just find another one. We have talked about him finding a job down here and that is not something which we have discounted, but in the current climate it certainly shouldn’t be about him finding the first job he can just so he can be with me – job stability is important too and we certainly don’t want to be together living on the dole

At some point he will hopefully find work here but I am not pressuring him into anything like that because when moving the situation needs to be right and that includes the job especially if moving from a settled, stable, long-term job into a new one...

We could decide the situation is hopeless and decide that we should split, but why on earth would we – I make him happy and he makes me happy, we spend every weekend together and when he has holiday etc, and worst case scenario my ds will leave school in seven years time....

I’m not about to throw away a good relationship with a lovely man for the sake of some romantic ideal of lost togetherness...

It's so complicated with these "reblended" family situations. Whilst on the one hand I do believe if you want to be together you'll make it work - I had a similar situation and it involved lots of similar 'obstacles' to your own.

He lived in another country, his kids lived in UK, he saw them twice a month. Our kids were similar ages but went to different schools on other sides of town. His kids had been brought up very differently to my own. His style of parenting was very different to my own, as were his living quarters.... the list goes on. At what point do you say, er, this is just too different, too much effort ? I'm not sure. But, nothing is impossible and finding a good match, with the type of person you might want to spend the rest of your life with is so bloody difficult - it maybe happens a few times in your lifetime - if you're lucky !!!!!

Thank you for your replies - lots to think about. Life is never easy!

I could not cope with all that driving so that my kids could see their father

Seriously? A 2 hour drive would stop you being with the man of your dreams?

OP you need to reassess your priorities and the effort you put into life.

So you've never actually had a conversation with him about this ?

You move an hour closer to him, he moves an hour closer to you ? If your kids are very small it's much easier.

We have never actually spoken about 'us' in person - I suppose we don't want to ruin what little time we have together.
I think the first thing you need to do is to have that discussion. I understand you're wary to do it because the outcome may not be what you want, but if that's the case then better to know now, surely?

To all the people suggesting that OP moves half way, that really isn't always possible. My exH and I share 50/50 care and moving, even half an hour away is simply out of the question.

yes I am a bit too about the "move halfway," comments. It wouldn't be possible here either. Added to that I don't drive so any move would involve having to use public transport. but with 50/50 it just isn't possible to up and move and to hell with your child's relationship with the other parent...

My ex has our kids one night midweek and then sat and sun nights. In the longterm tho once they go to school (they are both 2 and 3) we would have to change it.

Thing is I want to have an idea of whether a future is possible, before we talk about properly giving it a go.

Is there anyway it could work?? I'm not adverse to moving away and prior to meeting this guy it was something that I really wanted to do for a fresh start.

I suppose there are many ways to work with the distance (if we decide we can properly be together) if we moved in together as in I do some driving and their father does. An opportunity to see friends/family etc.

I just don't want my ex to miss out on being a father, regardless of how much he emotionally abused me he is an excellent father - but he couldn't possibly do 50/50 care.

But there is something very special there that I never thought possible.

Of course he could just say that he does think he could do it and then that's the situation answered