I just don't want to see

[winkywinkola]

pil any more than every 8-12 weeks.

We have a big family and lots of friends. There are many that we like to see as well as pil. It's a matter of fitting them all in as well as having family time alone with just dh and the dcs.

I don't regard grandparents as more important than uncles, aunts, cousins or dear family friends.

I'm getting very tired of the emotional blackmail they lay on dh when I'm not there. He gets upset, feels very guilty and takes it out on me.

I mean, we've taken them on holiday four or five times with us, we see them when it's a good time for us - have them to stay over the weekend.

It's still not enough. They have no hobbies or interests of their own despite being young and fit - early sixties.

I'm getting pretty hacked off with the pressure. I've got 4 dcs and all the work that comes with them and their activities.

I feel like it's unfair they have a "chat" with dh every time and then he tries to pressure me into having them down more often. I just don't want to because I want to see other people too.

Am I wrong?

Leave them to it, and leave it to him to sort the logistics, and take the kids up there.

We see MIL every two years. She lives overseas. DH cant say anything about this, because I told him he can take the kids and see her any time he wants to. I even tried to convince him to go see her for May half term, but no. I tried to convince him to go see her for his uncles funeral back in February, but no. So the reality is that many men dont take the opportunity when they can, and given the opportunity often enough, will shut them up.

Honestly I think you're doing good going to visit as often as you do, that's quite a bit of travelling all around. What about arranging amongst siblings to meet at whichever pil you are planning to visit, kill two birds with one stone so to speak so you aren't trying to squeeze in all the relatives separately? My dh hasn't been to my 'dm' (I say dm tongue in cheek) house in at least a year and she's only an hour away! Makes an excuse about being tired of travelling all week which in fairness he does drive a lot but once in a while would be nice, bit of back up when she starts pick pick picking at me. I was going to his parents house without dh every Thursday but have since stopped (she's in same town as us) because I was sick of the way she put me down in front of my kids. I could literally see her rolling her eyes up when I walked in the door but change character completely for dc. She only wanted them and dh so I said that's fine, dh goes with kids for most of the day on Saturday, I only go over on holidays or family events. Dh not overly pleased about it, like yourself he was getting the guilt trip and coming back to me trying to get me to start going again during the week but no way. Less stress, I used to leave there so depressed! We don't see dh siblings unless they are at pil house, they are a very strange family, don't visit each other or tell each other anything, you wouldn't believe.

So I guess what I'm saying is if your dh wants to see parents more often try get him to take kids alone. Works for me!

Sadly for many people visiting grandparents is a chore.

It may be a nice chore, I like seeing my parents and the DDs quite enjoy the trip (there is a lovely big park), but it's still a long drive and a very long day.

If you stay over night is far more hassle and that hassle always falls to mum.

"Dh doesn't want to go up alone with one or two dcs. Dunno why."

Interrogate him until he can come up with a fair reason. If he cannot actually stand to be in the same house as his parents without you there as social buffer, he should say so and stop pretending you are the problem. Kids are a great icebreaker if that is the problem, he can take kids and let them put on a show for the GPs instead of you.

Also when they stay with you, you don't have to do everything - if you lie on the floor you get walked on. People have strange (and conflicting) ideas of host/guest roles - does the host bend over backwards or does the guest walk on eggshells? It doesn't have to be a seesaw relationship.

Useful phrases include:
"You know where the kettle is, FIL."
"Could you pop out and collect the takeaway please, FIL."
"Here are some leaflets of local places of interest, why not take DC1/2/3/4 with you as navigator?"
"Glad you're there to help DH with the kids as I've got quite a chocka weekend."

My in laws live 5 minutes away, we make a real effort to visit them every Saturday for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Im not very fond of MIL, I tried many years to get along with her, talk to her, do things for her but I'm always treated as an outsider. DH has witnessed this. So he's agreed to take the kids every other weekend without me so I get time to myself. And I still go alternative weekends. Those two hours that Im there are awful, and hard work. But I put myself through it for the kids, as I want them to have memories of the whole family being there with their grandparents. Winky, I completely sympathise with you, doing all those long trips would be awful, visits every 3 months is fine, considering you have other long distance relatives to visit too. If gps have a problem, its tough…you cant please everyone!

KathrynJaneway - like your inlaws, mine are a very strange family. They don't communicate much, the siblings almost act as if they're in laws between themselves. Weird!

But the point is that we divide our time between various relatives friends activities etc. I'm not convinced why pil should get more of our limited time when we try to be fair and equal.

Nah, that's not the point, it's a symptom. Find out what DH's real problem is.

I couldn't care less what dh's real reasons are. I do my bit for all members of his and my family but I'm not going to kill myself by doing any more.

I'm amazed at those of you with unpleasant parents or pil that you give them the satisfaction of seeing the gcs without you there. I wouldn't let happen if I were being disrespected.

I'm pissed off with dh. He insinuates I prevent him from seeing his family. How dare he ! Bloody nerve.

Exactly! Be pissed off with him but don't expect anything to change unless you are BOTH communicating honestly and openly. You'll have to push him to think some thoughts he doesn't like.