I just don't want to see

[winkywinkola]

pil any more than every 8-12 weeks.

We have a big family and lots of friends. There are many that we like to see as well as pil. It's a matter of fitting them all in as well as having family time alone with just dh and the dcs.

I don't regard grandparents as more important than uncles, aunts, cousins or dear family friends.

I'm getting very tired of the emotional blackmail they lay on dh when I'm not there. He gets upset, feels very guilty and takes it out on me.

I mean, we've taken them on holiday four or five times with us, we see them when it's a good time for us - have them to stay over the weekend.

It's still not enough. They have no hobbies or interests of their own despite being young and fit - early sixties.

I'm getting pretty hacked off with the pressure. I've got 4 dcs and all the work that comes with them and their activities.

I feel like it's unfair they have a "chat" with dh every time and then he tries to pressure me into having them down more often. I just don't want to because I want to see other people too.

Am I wrong?

to be honest you'd be more pissed off if they did live alot closer.
you'd see more of them.

We had that distance between grandparents and us. We saw one lot about every six weeks and it was always a weekend visit for mine and a week, yes a week, for DH's because their tickets were so expensive they had to make it worth their while and make it a little holiday. And boy was it a little holiday - they expected to be waited on hand and foot but they did take the dc off my hands for several hours a day.

We are a tiny family and dh's siblings live abroad (wonders why ). But even though my mum's a narcissist and very difficult and DH's parents were not exactly helpful they are still top of the pecking order and I am having a bit of trouble getting my head round that one tbh.

It is difficult when grandparents come and stay for the whole weekend because you do have to be more invested in their visit and I can see where the OP is coming from with that. But I think there are solutions - can your DH take a couple of the DC to visit them between their visits?

I'm a bit on the fence because we are approaching mid fifties and our DC are much older teenagers and in 10 years we might be the grandparents. I don't know what our role will be but we are so close to our children and love them so much I hope we will never be regarded as less important than many others in their lives and I really hope we will see more of them than our parents chose to see of us. I hope too we will be regarded as people who help rather than people who are an inconvenience and a burden. That would make me so sad and feel that I had failed as a mother and as a nurturer.

Have the DCs expressed any thoughts on it?

The dcs love to see all relatives and friends.

I lose patience with dh because for example this coming weekend he could spend the entire weekend with them. He isn't going to. Why not? He just shrugs.

When they are here it's just all down toe to be the bountiful host. It's bloody hard work and I can't do bloody hard work all time. Plus dh is now saying he can't afford the petrol for extra trips. He thinks his parents are wealthy so they should pay to travel. That's pretty messed up IMO.

I think I will just leave them all to it.

i think you do have to leave them all to it.

next time they have a go, and he has a go at you, tell him he had his chance and he wasn't interested.

sounds to me like you're being quite reasonable actually. if they don't help out and expect everything to be done for them then that's the consequence. you only see them 3 or so times a year. at that level of hard work it seems quite a lot actually!

what happens when you visit them? do they pull their finger out or expect you to chip in?

We see them four or five times a year. Plus Christmas. Sometimes they come on holiday with us too for a week if we can afford the larger gite. They would never contribute.

I also think you're being very reasonable and I think DH is being a little unrealistic & rather unreasonable about how much you can socialise with one set of people - even parents - when they are at the other end of the country and when they are part of a large, extended family that are all at some distance. There are only 52 weekends in a year, you must have commitments beyond family plus you need some down-time, and they have to be allocated fairly. I really sympathise and I don't think he's helping much.

If he has oportunities and chooses not to, it sounds to me like he's making you into being a scapegoat to blame because HE is lacking.

This is something I've gone through in that past with my DH despite FIL living less than 1/2 mile away. He would give excuses about working a lot, not having time, me wanting to do other things, DD's hobbies etc.

So I started suggesting he go and see his father and let him say no. Then I pointed out after a while of doing this that he's has had many oportunites to go but he chose not to.

His favourite excuse was because I wouldn't go and he thought I ought as his dad would think it strange if I didn't. I'd then ask the last time he came with me to visit any if my family!

So this has all stopped. I've called him out on everything and made him see it's his choice not to go and something he needs to accept otherwise he's a twat

If they really want to see the grandchildren, use it to your advantage. Ask them to take the children for a week at Easter or Summer and go on holiday together. Either that ask them to come to yours for the week and you go off. I do think that when the time comes and you have grandchildren and you are told you are not as important as other relatives, you are going to be very hurt. Would you be happy seeing them every couple of months.

Honestly? I know that different people are closer to other family members or friends. It's up to each individual.

And, if you read my posts very carefully, you will see I never said more important relatives. I said as important.

As for sending the dcs up there to stay alone, pil really couldn't cope. Mil is very needy and fragile. Fil would just tear his hair out. They've said as much.

Dh doesn't want to go up alone with one or two dcs. Dunno why.

Anyway, thanks all.

Given all the information you have provided, every 8-12 weeks sounds reasonable. Also can you try hard NOT to wait on them hand and foot when they do visit?

Dh doesn't want to go up alone with one or two dcs. Dunno why.

Presumably because that involves more effort than he's prepared to make...

It seems like he's pressuring you to have them to stay because it's less effort for him than going up to stay with them alone. But of course that's much more effort for you.

*By alone I meant without you but with kids.

Your H is dumping it all on you as wifework. You exist to do all the emotional caretaking and keep everyone else happy. That's why he's both saying that his parents need to be entertained at yours more often and refusing to put the effort in himself - as far as he's concerned it's women's work to placate and service relatives. Just keep smiling and saying 'No.'

Be more organised? Agree with DH how many days per month/quarter are spent with family. Have half each. He works out his priorities for using up 'his days', you for yours.

I see where you're coming from, OP.

I lived far from my GPs (about 500 miles) as a child and we are in a similar situation - my parents are 65 miles away, and MIL is half a day (either flights or a car/ferry trip) away.

We see MIL about 6 times a year - probably 5 times of those she'll come to us, and stay 3-5 days. We see my parents once a month or so, but we don't have to stay over with them, it can be a day trip or it's sometimes en route to where we're going on holiday. They come to us about every 3 months, sometimes for an overnight, sometimes just for the day.

Along with friends, children's activities (MIL has finally learned that classes/parties etc don't stop because she's here!), my dh working 1/6 weekends away on average, and just having some time as a family to be at home, I really don't see where we could squeeze more in. Dd1 is 14 and has got the train to visit my parents a couple of times, with a friend.

MIL has started coming to see us more, rather than expecting us to pitch up in Belfast as her house is really too small for the 5 of us to stay comfortably now the dc are older, and also our dc started rebelling, as all trips focused around their much younger cousins and they were bored.

In my family, we live closest to my parents (I'm the oldest of 6) and probably see them most often of my siblings. Everyone seems happy with this, my parents are late 60s but very active and involved in their community and hobbies. Dh has one brother who lives 5 minutes from MIL - and 5 in the other direction to his MIL. MIL sees them 3-4 times a week. She's not really that pleased that we don't live closer (though I don't think she still regards me as the evil clutching Scottish bint who stopped her poor wee Irish boy from going "home") but this is where we make our life and we make a big effort to include her - I call her about once a week (seperately from dh), emails, children speak and I make sure to include her in all news. She knows we're happy and settled and seems to tolerate if even though it's not her choice.

What isn't acceptable is the attitude that your dh is giving you on this. Work something out sensibly and amicably - sulking and shouting about seeing his Mammy sounds like toddler behaviour to me

Oh and before SGB jumps in and accuses my dh of expecting wife work, it really isn't. I like being on good terms with mil, it's still his responsibility and he has more contact than I do, bears the brunt of entertaining her, his mum, his job! She comes to us because it suits us much better!

Equally, my dh is good friends with my parents and has been an awesome support to my Dad while my Stepmum is having cancer treatment.

Works both ways in our house!

Well your dh really needs to step up and do his fair share of organising and entertaining then doesn't he? He's not being fair at all.

He needs to take them over himself.

YANBU
If you see each of those 3 distant sets of relatives 4 times a year that's one very long journey a month.

My DDs (especially DD2) would say thats enough sitting in the car.

Well, I agree with SGB to be honest. Your DH is not behaving as though he is really all that concerned, certainly not enough to put effort into planning visits or taking the chance to go and see his parents. He wants you to make the effort to disguise all that, so he doesn't end up feeling or looking bad.

That's the part that is really not on. And when they do come, I reckon you need to change the dynamic a bit so you aren't expected to drop everything else or have the DC miss out on activities and do huge amounts of work.

I think it's really, really important to recognise that every individual is socially different, and has different levels of tolerance regarding how often they see others. Add to that that different families have different cultures of visiting, and you have a dilemma that virtually every family has to negotiate for itself: how frequent is often enough to keep everyone happy, without being too much for any one person?

One thing that bothers me (not just in your post, OP) but generally is the way in which visits from grandparents are spoken of as a burden - a pressure - not a help. It seems to me that this indicates that something is more deeply wrong. Some grandparents (by no means all, thank goodness - but some) seem to expect that they can just waltz into the lives of their children and grandchildren for all the 'best bits' of family life, without really offering any tangible support or help in return - as if the mere grace of their presence were enough. Family are almost treated as a substitute for the social events director on a cruise: responsible for organising time so as to ensure that these time-rich relatives are not bored.

Perhaps the answer is to find a way of ensuring that their visits sometimes help your family out, OP? Maybe ask them to take the grandchildren so that you and your DP can have a night out together? Or even to look after them for a weekend? Or even ask them up mid-week so that you can save a bit of money on childcare? There should be a bit of give-and-take in these situations, after all.

When they are here it's just all down to me to be the bountiful host.

Then tell DH that from now on he has to do HIS share of hosting, and explain what that will entail. I wonder if he might back off on the guilt-tripping, and be less keen to see them so frequently, then?

actually i think you should cut it down to 3 times a year!! sounds like such hard work.