dating a widower - advice please

[notsowiseowl]

Hi, I am sure there are some wise people on here who can help me. I have been dating the most lovely and wonderful man for the past 3 months. He's a widower of approx 18 months.

At first he said he was initially looking for companionship and to see where that led. We texted daily, went on a few dates, spoke on the phone a couple of times a week. After about a month things suddenly changed for the better, and we decided that we both wanted to move things forward. We had some really lovely romantic dates, DTD, and all the while he has been romantic, caring and attentive. We've been away on a mini break and have booked a holiday for later on this year (both at his suggestion).

Suddenly, this week, he has drawn the blinds up, and decided that he's not ready to move on after all - saying that he is constantly comparing me to his deceased DW. Devastated doesn't come close. I have been divorced for 6 years and only had one (2 year) relationship since. Prior to meeting Mr Lovely Widower I did a little online dating but became slightly disillusioned after meeting so many serial daters that when I met Mr Lovely I was cautious at first, having been burnt before. I slowly allowed myself to trust him, and consequently have fallen head over heels.

Can any GFs of widowers help me? I know it seems daft if I was only seeing him for 3 months but having finally let my guard down with someone I totally trusted and loved being with, it's hit me really hard.

Sorry for long post, and grateful for any advice. Thank you x

I think all you can do is give him space, can you be friends for now?? 18 months is not long in the scheme of things. He may be ready in the near future...

I married a widower 20 years ago. He had been widowed 3 years at the time.

I think the important things (in addition to the usual criteria!) going into a long term relationship like this are:

• has he grieved? This is important as he will not move on properly until he goes through that process. But yes when he's ready he can and will move on...

• does he have dc's? Does this mean you will take on a role of step mum/mum. I didn't consider this too much at the time but I did indeed become a full time mother to his ds (who was 3 when I met him). It's something that can benefit everyone of course, but you need to be clear of your role within the 'family' and manage expectations.

Good luck!

I am not the GF of a widower but the DP of a friend is a widower and they have been together a long time; also I know of two families where v sadly the mum has died with pre-teen / teen children.

Does the man you have been dating have children and, if so, did he tell them about you?

Hi, thank youf for your kinds replies. He has no DCs, although I have 3 (late teens/early 20's) whom he has met and got on extremely well with.

Is it a difficult 'anniversary' for him around now? Her birthday, their wedding anniversary, or even Mother's Day if they had children?

Hello

I've been in a relationship with a widower for a little over a year. When I met him, it was 3 years since he'd lost his wife. I was the first girlfriend he'd had in that time.

I'm wondering if it's just too soon for your lovely man? He may really want this with you, but is now realising he hasn't grieved properly.

My bf talks about the moment he realised the grief had left him. He was walking over Millenium Bridge and felt a lightness that hadn't been with him for years (his wife had been ill for many years prior to her death)

I hope this works out for you, but he may just need more time right now.

My partner of 10 years had been a widower for 9 years when we met and he definitely had not been ready for a relationship before that. However I think that was more to do with being busy working and bringing up young teenagers.
I agree with the poster who said it might be coming up to an anniversary of some sort. My partner still occasionally switches off a bit when it is a birthday, anniversary of marriage, death etc. Mothering sunday is also always tricky due to the adult children being sad.
18 months is very short, but don't give up, try and stay friends and things may redevelop. He might just be having a wobble. We had a few in the first year.
My partner initially said he did not want commitment, but over the years has come to want more and we have been living together happily for 7 years. However he did make it clear from the start that he never would marry again and still feels the same way. I am a bit sad about that but our life together is so happy that I have come to terms with it.
Good luck.

Thank you. I really hope it is just a wobble! He occasionally goes a little quiet and reflective on me - I can tell through his communication... and I just give him space to come back to me. This happened a couple of months ago (wedding anniversary) but her birthday and anniversary of their meeting is a different time of year.

Last weekend was hard for him due to a couple of arrangements he had to deal with which were connected to his DW. We had not planned to see each other as he had these things going on, so I had set myself up for him to be a little melancholy and I gave him space.

Four days later he delivered his bombshell. We haven't communicated since - that was Thursday. I emailed him yesterday to gently tell him how I wanted to be there for him......

This is difficult. My Dad remarried five years after my Mum died to somebody much younger. He was with my Mum for 40 years, she had cancer and died a year after diagnosis. I understand that my Dad is very reflective, often, about my Mum and cries quite a bit and that my step-mother is very patient and understanding about this. She has also been very good with my Dad having photos of my Mum around etc and allowing him to talk about her. I think there is often quite a lot of guilt when the living partner allows themselves to move on and I wonder if this is what your widower is suffering from possibly? I would be inclined to give him some space and let him come round in his own time. You have offered gentle support and hopefully he will respond to that. I really hope this works out for you, you sound lovely!

As a side note, my H left me last October for somebody who had been widowed for 6 months and moved in with her after 3 weeks..doomed I would have thought :-/

Yes to the understanding re talking about his late wife and also now we live together we have photos from their family life together in the house as well as my family photos some of which include my children's dad.
Was he married for a long time? Did he nurse her through illness? All of these things may be contributing to him feeling guilty maybe about finding happiness with someone else. My partner had been married for over 20 years and for ten of those his wife was ill.
I think, but am prepared to be told I am wrong, that it may be easier for him to move on and continue the relationship with you as he has no children from his marriage.

Storynanny...I don't know if it's as much to do with the children but the long illness. Illness changes the dynamics of your relationship almost to parent/child status. Intimacy becomes an issue for example. I think in a situation where somebody has lived with a sick partner for a long time a lot of their grieving is done even before death. I refer of course to my own experiences with my Dad but may be different for others. I think it is lovely how you keep photos around and talk about your DP's late wife. I hope you remain happy together :-)

I don't have the experience of dating a widower, I was widowed almost 6 years ago, although my DH had been ill for three years prior.
I met someone 18 months later.
It was difficult for both of us in different ways, I suffered from 'widows guilt' I worried about what other people would say or think, worried about enjoying myself, but mostly worried about my three children.
He worried about living up to my DH, who I still loved. Worried if he would be accepted by friends and the children. Worried about how his two childen who live with him, would be.
We went at my pace, my teenagers who have autism have been absolutely happy from the first time they met, our boys are best friends and all round things have been wonderful. We don't live together, which works for us at the moment.
In your situation I would say more time is needed, it's a big adjustment and one that may have times when space is needed, be there for him, let him have time and space.
I think there is a certain amount of grieving attached to having a new relationship, at least that was my experience.

Thank you for your replies. They were together for approx 9 years and he nursed her through two of those. There are still strong family links which he clearly needs to keep her memory alive....... I think he just needs time and space to think things through. It's very helpful to read other people's perspectives, I'm very grateful and it is helping me feel a little bit hopeful.x

Good luck with it lovely! I will check back and see how you're getting on. It sounds like you both deserve happiness and hopefully with the passage of time will find it together :-)

I have been a widow for 5 years. I met someone 18 months later and like onlyjoking, I suffered with widow's guilt, worried about telling my children, my friends, family and in-laws. My new bf was very keen and wanted to move forward a lot quicker than I felt ready for, so we did the two steps forward, one step back thing for a while. We split up because I wasn't ready, but we are back together and things are now going great. I honestly feel that the timing wasn't right for me at that time and that, because DP was patient with me and was prepared to let me work through my guilt etc, that I am blessed to have a second chance at happiness and have this wonderful man in my life.

As others have said, it is likely that your BF is still grieving/feeling guilty and that he is not ready to move on fully yet, and by going at his pace and giving him time and space when he needs it, you stand a good chance of lasting happiness together in the future.

Thank you MrsC.
One thing I would add Spickle, is that unlike divorce, there are rose tinted spectacles and the tendency to put the deceased partner on a pedestal as obviously all the good and positive times are remembered best. In my case, I have picked up from conversations over the years that of course the marriage wasn't perfect all the time as none are, and that all the usual niggles and arguments happened at times. So although he will compare you with his late wife, try not to let this get you down, he is remembering all the good times naturally.
I have found that the family have accepted me mainly because I give them all plenty of space to talk about mum/nanny/auntie etc, visits to the cemetery etc, and don't shy away from talking about her etc. On occasions they do all want to do certain things without me and I totally understand.

Hi, it's me again. I still have heard nothing and it's killing me! I know I must give it time but a little communication from him would be very welcome. He's just shut me out completely and it's so painful.

Oh gosh this must be so hard! Reading back, you emailed on the 22nd which was only a few days ago so you will probably be best leaving him for now. If you can bear it, leave it until the weekend. If you have plans for Mother's Day could you see if he'd like to be included maybe? Others may say different but I am a romantic at heart and think that little gestures are better than none. :-)

Yes, I had thought weekend too. I know he was seeing his bereavement counsellor today so maybe he will be in a better place following that. I won't be so rash as to invite him over for any mother's day celebration but I will definitely hold out a few more days to contact.....I don't want to drive him further into his shell by repeatedly contacting him! Thank you for your reply, MrsC.x

I don't even know a widower, never mind anything else, but I would wonder if something happened on the weekend when he was making the arrangements to do with his DW and that is at the bottom of this. It's not clear what the arrangements were but is it possible that he saw someone or had memories of his wife brought up that usually he doesn't think of and now he is feeling very guilty and disloyal?

Would also like to add that today I briefly met up with a friend who has also been widowed for 18 years. We had a quick cup of tea before he went to the cemetary as it was the anniversary of his late wife's death. Although he has been seeing his new partner for just over 2 years, he did not want to see her today because of wanting to be alone with his memories.
I also think that men generally find it harder to talk about their feelings, maybe a widow is more anle to talk things through with her girlfriends which may help the grieving process? Just a thought.
Don't give up, but maybe if you haven't heard from him in another week send a text.
After each of our early wobbles, I was always the first to make a move, send a text etc as he was totally out of practice at resolving emotional crises.

Thank you, Story. Wise words. With men who close up, it's usually the women who have to make the move -
PassAfist, yes, he spent the weekend doing things related to his late wife, which I may have mentioned upthread, but not in the first posting.... hence his wobble - and I really hope it is just a wobble.

If it helps, I know my stepmother leaves my father be on anniversaries etc. It may be that it is too much for people to cope with, having to deal with a new partner while still loving and remembering the late one. Give it til the weekend, give him the option of joining you if you want to, he can always decline, but you know you've put the olive branch out there and then just leave him, I know it's hard, but you will just have to let him come round in his own time and I really hope he does as you so obviously care deeply about him. I am sure this will just be a wobble :-) x

Hi OP. I have recently been in a similar situation. 4 months ago I met a lovely chap who had lost his fiance to cancer 15 months previously. Like Storynanny saud, he held her up on a pedestal and I worried if I could compare. That said we seemed to click and he claimed to be ready. However, it soon became apparent he wasnt. He cancelled dates due to feeling down or needing to visit her grave or her parents. I supported him as best I could to the extent he would seek my support and value my advice. Ive stepped back and we are just "keeping in touch" at the moment. Given time things may change.
Just wanted to share with you that I appreciate how you must be feeling.

And on a more positive note ( I am presuming you are both younger than us) there are plenty of opportunities to build your own shared times as we have done. Although she will forever be on a pedestal, my partner has experienced new e vents etc with only me. Like going through the menopause! Birth of first grandchildren, travelling abroad etc. None of which he did with his late wife. Hope it works out for you.

you are all so kind, I'm very grateful for your supportive advice, thank you.
RelaxinRadox, it was really nice to read your post, thank you! and I hope things work out for you too.x