dating a widower - advice please

[notsowiseowl]

Hi, I am sure there are some wise people on here who can help me. I have been dating the most lovely and wonderful man for the past 3 months. He's a widower of approx 18 months.

At first he said he was initially looking for companionship and to see where that led. We texted daily, went on a few dates, spoke on the phone a couple of times a week. After about a month things suddenly changed for the better, and we decided that we both wanted to move things forward. We had some really lovely romantic dates, DTD, and all the while he has been romantic, caring and attentive. We've been away on a mini break and have booked a holiday for later on this year (both at his suggestion).

Suddenly, this week, he has drawn the blinds up, and decided that he's not ready to move on after all - saying that he is constantly comparing me to his deceased DW. Devastated doesn't come close. I have been divorced for 6 years and only had one (2 year) relationship since. Prior to meeting Mr Lovely Widower I did a little online dating but became slightly disillusioned after meeting so many serial daters that when I met Mr Lovely I was cautious at first, having been burnt before. I slowly allowed myself to trust him, and consequently have fallen head over heels.

Can any GFs of widowers help me? I know it seems daft if I was only seeing him for 3 months but having finally let my guard down with someone I totally trusted and loved being with, it's hit me really hard.

Sorry for long post, and grateful for any advice. Thank you x

Do let us know what you decide to do. I love a happy ending.

RelaxinRadox I have inboxed you.x
story I will keep you posted! Fingers crossed for me.x

Hi again
It's not the happy ending I had hoped for. My lovely lovely man has given us closure, and emailed to say he hopes I find love elsewhere. To rub salt into the wound, he's back on the dating site already, so his excuse was actually a lie. Love hurts, as they say.

Thank you everyone for being so supportive. I wish it had been a different ending.x

Sorry to hear your disappointing news. It obviously wasn't meant to be, there will be someone more suitable out there for you I am sure.

I have been dating a widower for coming up to two years. It was a while before I found out he was a widower - for some reason I expected widowers to be men in their 50s but he was widowed at 30.

I don't have a sense that he isn't over her. I think he is in an everyday sense, but in the same way that I am over the death of my parents. The grief takes a while to work through you and it is different in every case.

What I do notice though is that having lost a wife he is chilled out to the most insane degree about absolutely everything less than losing a wife. If his car were stolen he'd shrug and say there are other cars. If he lost his job he'd say there are other jobs. If he fell out with a friend he'd say well, I have other friends.

And I suppose if he fell out with me he'd be over that in about 90 seconds.

This does not come across in an every day way at all. He isn't cold or aloof or anything like that. But on some level, since he never broke up with his wife, she is still in his heart and head and to some extent always will be.

I am the only person he has dated since he was widowed. He has brought this up and observed that, suddenly cut off from female intimacy, he felt desperately randy within weeks of losing her. It's not like a relationship breakup where things peter out. It all just suddenly ends and is gone, and you've made no room in your head for it.

He is an exceptionally attractive man but he did nothing about these feelings even though I'm sure he could have. As well as feeling like infidelity it would be cruel. He did not want to use some random woman to scratch his itch then lose interest having done so.

He admits to occasional feelings of complete bewilderment sometimes - noticing me in his flat or his bed or his life and thinking "hang on...?" Sometimes I catch him looking at me and looking faintly surprised, like if he has just woken up. But in a way you have to think, what's the alternative, someone never married, some angry divorcee? Don't know.

Not very helpful I know, but how I get by is looking not at what he says but at what he does. Apart from buying me a diamond he does everything right.

It can work, but if you are finding it an undiscovered country, you're not alone. These though are men who have at some point done what you would want, and will do so again.

Christ I've banged on.

Just noticed your last post notsowiseowl.

I suspect this was an "itch scratcher".

Thank you for your lovely long post, Elizabeth. Interestingly he has emailed me twice this evening, the second time to say he thought he would finish it now after 3 months because the choice was to continue dating for a much longer time and then see how his feelings towards me were, ie: mixed due to him still being in love with his wife or not and he did not feel it was the correct thing to keep dating not knowing and undoubtedly cause more unhappiness in 6 months time in our relationship.

I just feel he never gave it a chance.

Sorry for confusing post, much of it is cut and pasted from the email.

Ah well.x

OP, if you google Abel Keogh you will find his website which is all about dating widowers, and the red flags, pitfalls and problems. Although he has closed the door on you, you might find some of the advice on there helps you put the experience into context.

I have just ended a relationship with a widower because although he said he loved me he never, ever spoke about the future, and I stopped believing he saw me as anything more than an itch-scratcher.

If he is comparing you to his late wife then I believe ending it now has saved you from a world of hurt later.

Yes, if your relationship breaks up it typically does so gradually and you kind of adjust to what's happening. Lose your wife/partner and at the same time you are dealing with the grief and the loss and the admin, you are unexpectedly dealing with the loss of your sex life.

So some widowers probably mistake lust for attachment and as soon as they've caught up on the sex they realise they don't have any particular feelings for you at all. And of course they have a ready made exit line: they're not over their wife.

My OH left it over three years before getting involved with anyone again (me) because he has said he knew perfectly well this was likely to happen and is not a nice way to treat someone and he knew perfectly well it could / would. He also said that he needed a long break because otherwise he was going to want the exact same sex life again. Someone new would be different and therefore disappointing. All foreseeable and he didn't feel like he'd have to try sex with a series of new women to find this out.

Based on what he is telling me I would be inclined to ask fairly early on, if becoming involved with another widower, whether he was over his wife or just looking to scratch an itch. I get those itches too, so if everyone is on the same page about it I see nothing wrong. But I'd be a bit cheesed off to be led up the garden path and then have the late wife introduced as a recently identified reason why the relationship was going nowhere.

Hi, yes, I have read some Abel Keogh posts and blogs - during and after the break (now break-up!)

I have also re-read 'He's just not that into you' which puts it all into context (hollow laugh).

Elizabeth is right - once the lust and the itch-scratching has gone, the widower then looks at what is left, and it's unlikely to be enough, as the itch scratcher is not his wife.

Shame about the booked holiday and the fact that I bloody fell for him big time.

Moving on..................xx

I think I will read that book, there is still so much I don't understand. I often think I am only here because she is not, therefore I am a second choice. Actually I have never been any ones first choice!

oh story don't be so hard on yourself. The book I read was Abel Keogh's 'dating a widower: starting out with a man who's starting over' - it was very informative and a lot rang true.

I am struggling with the break up which is so silly, we only dated for 3 and a half months but I just gave it everything............... he messaged me yesterday to tell me about his mum's birthday party (to which I had meant to be going) - and I dreamed about him last night ....waking up with such a hollow feeling.

I've rejoined the dating site but it's too soon. Be still, my aching heart.

I know a woman who is married to a widower. They've been married a long time and have dc.

But, as she remarked to me once 'you can never compete with a dead woman'.

I think it's often true. There could always be a big part of him that remains unavailable to you even if you do get back together. This thing of texting you now and keeping in touch would be out of order for me, I'm afraid. He either does want to date you or not. Not keep you in the sidelines in case he realises he wants you after all. Maybe he needs counselling to sort his thoughts out?

It's such a pity if you were getting on so well but don't keep hanging on too long and don't watch him on dating sites, there's just no value in it for you.

I know, matilda, I think he will take a long, long time to move on. He doesn't know what he wants and dating various women from the dating site is only going to be a distraction, not an answer. I feel a bit sorry for the women he is contacting because they are also going to get hurt.

On a brighter note, I am getting lots of messages on the site so even if it's just a distraction for me for now, it's showing me there are nice people out there!!

His words aren't matching his actions. Why go back on a dating site if he can't move on because he's grieving?
Also no-one ever really knows if a relationship will last until one of the couple dies or just fizzle out.
He sounds best avoided at the moment.

Hello. I'm new to mumsnet and hoping I can get some feedback to my dilemma. I've been in a close relationship with a widower for 3 years - his wife died 5 years ago and I had been on my own for 15 years. We've had some wonderful times and become very attached to one another. He says he is grateful he was given the chance to love again. We live about 200 miles apart so we've been travelling at weekends to be together. He has been totally accepted by my adult children and my family. However his 2 daughters (in their 30s and living with partners) do not want their dad in another relationship and are still refusing to meet me. As a result he is keeping us apart in separate 'compartments' in order to avoid conflict. He still lives alone in the large family house (his late wife's ashes are also still in the house) but one daughter in particular is very upset at the thought of anything changing and clearly hasn't been able to deal with her mum's death and move on. On the other hand the other daughter refuses to visit her dad because the house reminds her too much of her mum. The whole situation is so dysfunctional and everyone is stuck in a sort of limbo. Because he's 'protecting' the daughters we can't move on, and I'm becoming increasingly resentful as I feel almost like a secret mistress, and it's affecting our relationship. I've refused to visit his house now as I feel like an outsider and so he comes to me at weekends. But the whole situation is becoming intolerable for me: I have tried so hard to understand how the family must feel after the mum's death and I'm never resentful when he talks about her, but this situation with the daughters is getting me down so much I'm having to decide whether I want to carry on which would be devastating for both of us. He has tried to talk to them but gets overruled every time and bullied.
Has anyone else come up against this sort of thing? How did you handle it? Should I give it more time?

Hi Rosadele,
I can't help you with your query but you might want to start a separate thread. I am quite curious about what happened to notsowiseowl.

I hope you get some good advice and that things work out for you. MUM

Hi Rosadale - start your won thread as this is what is know as a "Zombie" thread. If you start a new thread the your dilemma will appear at the start of each page and you will get more and better replies