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Original poster

Sexual compatibility (slightly graphic)

27 replies

newbieman1978 · 21/03/2014 13:18

Hi all,

The "masturbation" thread that is going on at mo got me thinking about the complexities of sexual compatibility. On that thread you have many different views on what is acceptable but often what a couple find mutually acceptable doesn't match up with their individual view.

It got me thinking about to some of the things I've done sexually in the first throws of a relationship which as time wore on became harder to do as it just wasn't my bag. I've found that I would say yes to things and try and enjoy things that actually I didn't really enjoy.
From talking to other blokes and to women it seems that early in a relationship most all people tend to widen their boundaries but then as time goes on narrow them which obviously sometimes ends things but often it doesn't and people come resentful as they aren't getting what they used to.

I remember a lovely girl I dated back in the day, she introduced me to anal sex, now I wasn't really bothered about to start with but had a go but as time went on I made excuses not to do it, things like her having a special anal sex toy just ended up getting on my nerves. When I finished the relationship I just thought to myself god how stupid I've been I just should have said that's not my bag and ended it before it really started.

The thing is though I sure it happens in every relationship to a greater of lesser extent. For instance with my now wife, I probably had as many blow jobs in the first 6 weeks than I've had in the last 9 years. Obviously to start with she did it because she thought it made me happy (I never asked) Luckily it doesn't really float my boat to the extent of being a deal breaker.

So really my point is if people were more open and honest about what they liked between the sheets from the start we wouldn't end up in situations where years down the line compatibility seems compromised.
That's not to say that people don't change and I think relationships evolve but you get my idea.
What we like sexually seems to come down the list when looking for qualities in a partner.

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 21/03/2014 13:23

I see your point but, for example, if you are online dating, to me there is nothing more off-putting than a potential boyfriend asking "what I like" instead of trying to get to know me as a person. It makes you feel like a fuck doll.

secretspy · 21/03/2014 13:24

That's not to say that people don't change and I think relationships evolve

This ^^

When you start buying cheese, you buy lots of different sorts to try.

5 years later you only ever buy mature cheddar and Brie at Christmas, because that's what everyone is happy with.

CrazyOldCatLady · 21/03/2014 13:25

Doesn't that apply in all areas of a relationship though? People try harder to please each other at the start, then become gradually more comfortable being themselves.

Andy1964 · 21/03/2014 13:28

Realtionships do evolve, people do change
So whilst I agree that partners should be open and honest from the start its should not just stop there. You need to continue to be open and honest because what you liked 10 years ago is not necessarily what you like now.

CailinDana · 21/03/2014 13:31

You definitely have a point. But it's worth remembering that you might not enjoy something with one partner but then love it with another, so there's no point in flat refusing something unless you are completely against it. As with everything else communication and respect are essential - both partners should feel free to suggest things and try things without fear and without worry that they'll be pushed into doing something again if they don't like it.

Dahlen · 21/03/2014 13:42

I'm the other way round. I'm quite vanilla to start off with. After all, in those early days you have that fantastic sexual tension sex, where you're so consumed with desire that you don't need much more than a few mainstream positions and some fairly standard oral.

As time goes on, intimacy is built, communication developed, and trust established, opening the door to new, more exciting things is the next step.

Many people would be too embarrassed to suggest something out of the conventional in the early days, for fear of ridicule or revulsion.

LoisPuddingLane · 21/03/2014 13:45

Oh you'd be surprised. I met this guy and he was asking me after one date if I took it up the arse.

Dahlen · 21/03/2014 13:46

I think that a lot of sexual incompatibility has nothing to do with preferences about the type of sex, but much more to do about imbalance or lack of attraction right from the start.

I see many people who have settled down with a nice, safe person who they genuinely like and find attractive on an aesthetic level but not a chemical one. Over time, the lack of chemistry leads to disinterest and eventually repulsion and irritation.

I also see people who had great chemistry to begin with, but pressures of time, children, responsibility have resulted in them forgetting how to be a sexual individual. Sometimes that's just life. More often for women it's because running around like a glorified housekeeper and nanny for much of the time is about as far removed from 'sex goddess' as it's possible to get.

Dahlen · 21/03/2014 13:47

Lois - arse guy probably was indeed an arse. Wink

I'm very open-minded about sex, but that's just bad mannered.

Lovingfreedom · 21/03/2014 13:48

Lois....you could get a special toy for that Wink

LoisPuddingLane · 21/03/2014 13:53

Arse Guy was definitely an arse.

magiclife · 21/03/2014 20:13

Its a massive part of a relationship so should be discussed as early as you both feel comfortable to do so. The thing is the more highly sexed you are the more impotent that aspect of the relationship is likely to be to you, so therefor it will probably be talked of earlier. If I was in a relationship and it wasn't discussed fairly early I would be thinking that maybe it isn't that important to the other person and might start doubting if we were compatible in that area.

scornedwoman67 · 21/03/2014 20:38

Lois the most unpleasant man I ever got involved with I stupidly allowed to befriend me on FB. He then put a message on my 'wall' asking whether I wanted him to 'pot the pink or the brown' I was absolutely horrified. It was seen by loads of friends. And my mum. Who asked me what it meant. I can laugh about it now but he was rotten to the core. And still frequenting various OD sites.

Casmama · 21/03/2014 20:46

Sorry magic but I did chuckle childishly at "the more highly sexed you are the more impotent that aspect"

saggytummy · 21/03/2014 21:08

You should name and shame the cretin scornedwoman67.

scornedwoman67 · 21/03/2014 21:28

saggy I'd be happy to. He's a copper. I spotted him on Tinder the other day. Anyone who lives in South London who thinks it may be him, PM me. He's 47 years old. When I say 'rotten' I really mean it.

crispyporkbelly · 21/03/2014 21:32

I agree with you op. In my case, my partner used to be much more outgoing and into giving lots of oral (which I love and is important to me) now 5 years later I have to hint that its been a year and I'd rather like some!

Feel like I was tricked

lavenderhoney · 21/03/2014 21:36

I agree with dahlen in that its all vanilla to start then gets more interesting over time. Or not, if you don't want it to. It depends on the person, for me and if the interest is there for both of you. So I might have experience of something i liked but have no wish to do it with anyone else.

I would never do anything I didn't want to do, and I certainly wouldn't expect anyone else to. If anyone nagged, I'd be off.

LittleFireCracker · 21/03/2014 22:02

I have to agree with Dahlen a lot of people do settle for the 'safest' option, a good provider, carer etc..etc...but what after time the chemistry goes and you're gagging for some good kinky sex but not with your intended??? What if you can't stand the thought of giving a BJ to your husband but would love to with a certain Daddy in the school playground who you see everyday...???

LovesPeace · 21/03/2014 22:12

I think the expectation is that the female should satisfy the male's sexual needs.
My ex whined endlessly about my failure to meet his expectations, yet was disinterested in my enjoyment. Hence ex.

Luckily new kinky man is much more fun....

LEMmingaround · 21/03/2014 22:18

I know lots of women who say that they stopped doing BJ's when they got married - i think thats really odd. Not because they no longer do them, but that they did them before they were married when they clearly didn't enjoy it.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 21/03/2014 22:19

At the start of my relationship I had time, health, youth and privacy...nothing was off bounds and everything was explored.

Now it's often a well timed but frantic race to a mutual finish on carefully placed hip supporting cushions and towels with Radio 4 to get us in the mood.

It's hard to be exploratory in those situations...we try to narrow it down to expertise and efficient satisfaction!

DownstairsMixUp · 21/03/2014 22:21

I must admit, I pretty much did everything in the beginning as I knew my DP's exes all had so I didn't want to seem "boring" but four years down the line I really don't bother unless I enjoy things. He doesn't ever mention it. I suppose everyone makes a big effort then you just get "comfortable" being you.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 21/03/2014 22:29

I also think it is normal to do more at the beginning to find what fits both of you.

When I went to a big theme park for the first time I went on all the rides, now I have an annual pass I go on the rides I like the best and don't feel the need to rush round the park. Now and again I try a ride I haven't been on for a while, sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't.

MostWicked · 21/03/2014 23:42

We are so much more adventurous now than we were when we first met. If you try stuff out that you don't like, then you need to say so. You can't complain that you continue to do something when you haven't bothered telling your partner how you feel. I don't think it is worth having the conversation at the start of a relationship because things change as you get to know each other.

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