I just feel pathetic (relationshp breakdown).

[FeelingLostJess]

(NC as I know quite a few MN people personally).

I just don't know how to handle it, emotionally, mentally..

No abuse, nothing really bad-but DP has issues and I can't cope with them. In fact they've got me so I've become quite depressed. I'm snappy and weepy and keep having a go at him. That is scaring me, I'm not usually that sort of person at all, I feel as if I am losing my mind.

I can go into more detail if anybody thinks necessary. But basically, when we got together we fell in love (well I thought we did!) and I advised him I couldn't get with him really seriously because I planned on moving counties to be near to my Mum, and he said no worries, no ties here, my job's moveable, we'll do that together... and I never pressured him, always kept asking was he sure?

He said he was and we made a lot of plans, (nothing extravagant) but to sell my house which was in a bit of a dodgy area , move into his together, do it up, rent it out and buy another. . We both had good salaries and both had a lot of support with this.

This was 3 years ago. Nothing has changed. It's later transpired that he has a drink problem and bipolar disorder. My life's been taken up helping him with these issues and with appointments and work meetings and stuff-fine, I'd do anything for those I love. But nothing has changed, It's as if once I moved into his, he just sat and watched TV and drank. I kept asking what was wrong, I kept saying 'right shall I do xyz for the house' , I said okay, I've ordered somebody to come sort xyz out...he said no.

He hasn't been to work in months and months.

Everything wasn't happening. Now I sit here nursing a glass of wine whilst he sleeps off a drunken coma, thinking wtf?

He didnt' drink heavily when I met him. He's never been angry or abusive or violent or anything like that, no matter how much he drinks.
He treats me well when we're out or in, he's loving and caring and attentive, does things that help me personally, shows a lot of signs that he does love me.But then, I think if he did love me, or more importantly, want us, surely he'd sort himself out? Sorry to anybody who suffers MH issues if that sounds naive or horrible, I don't mean it to :( I'm just so confused.

He appeared fine for the first 3 months or so then the problems started but didn't seem major. I was drip fed them all. I know I sound like an idiot here, but if you saw me on paper I'm really not! I have a PHD, am from a successful family, my own business...Why then am I so stupid to let this happen? And why am I so cut up about it, It's only a 3 year relationship :(

But then, I guess I've never really felt like I needed a man before him, I really really thought we clicked and felt the same way about one another. I've never had that before.

And also, why the chuff can I not handle it?

I've found somewhere to go when we break up. I'm making his illness worse now by making him feel shit all the time. He's cried and apologised and admitted his mistakes, repeatedly, and the thing is, even when I'm calm he gets upset if I try to talk about any of it.

Also, I'm so, scared. I know if I leave him I'm going to cry every night for months. I feel like such a failure. I know I'm doing the right thing? Why am I so upset.

I know this all sounds so pathetic and dumb and I'm sorry. Or if it doesn't seem to make any sense. If nobody replies, It's helped me anyway, to get it down!
Thanks if you got this far reading it!

Ok, first things first, sending you a big virtual hug cos you so need it.

Right, just take a deep breath and see this for what it really is.

Your man has MH issues and a drink problem. HE has these issues. You are bearing the brunt of these issues and that wouldn't be easy for anyone - FACT. Therefore, reassure yourself you are not silly or weak or anything bad. Short of being a psychologist/psychiatrist you are not equipped to get him through this so you need to be a little bit easier on yourself.

Has he sought professional help ? That needs to be the first step. His willingness to do this or not do this could be the key to continuing the relationship or not.

MH issues are huge and unfortunately although medication and therapy can help, they aren't always completely successful - a thought worth bearing in mind here.

I recently spent a few months with someone suffering from MH issues - I thought I was going crazy to be honest. Awful time - I was a bag of nerves after about 6 weeks of the worst part of it.

surely he'd sort himself out?
These issues are stronger and bigger than him. He does not have the capacity alone to sort himself out. He could seek professional help as I've mentioned above. The road to a better and more stable life could be a long one though and there's no guarantee.

You sound like a very 'together', successful person. You need to look at this situation and decide if you want to support your DP through this.

Thank you for your reply, Lemonbabe. You make a lot of sense.

Unfortunately, (!) he has sought professional help. He has a private
psychiatrist, a drinks counsellor, a humanistic counsellor for his issues...This has all been done, he's still seeing the psychiatrist but he says the counsellor is pointless at the moment as he's on such strong medication that he can't think of anything to say to her. IT was me who engineered each of the above, he wouldn't have done it by himself.

This is what makes me think..It's not working because perhaps he doesn't truly believe it can, or want it to?Maybe the fact that he's still drinking is stopping the medication working?

A supposed side-effect is his reluctance to sort the living space we have out. I don;'t wish we had have kept my house, it was losing value rapidly due to change in the area I was in. But his house hadn't even any hot running water when I moved in. ( hadn't for ten years!) I bought a boiler and had it fitted.

The kitchen's falling apart and stinks, and there's only one spotlight lighting up the whole of it. There's no floor in the spare bedroom and the master bedroom is just a junk room, yes there's a bed but It's full of junk and he has nowhere to put his clothes so they're all over the floor and units (units meaning random bits of furniture). There's no light in the spare room and the whole place is full of junk. I moved in promising I'd sort it out for him on the premise we were in this together and we were going to do it as a partnership. Then he rapidly lost interest. He has done a few little bits. He built me a place to store my clothes. He took a lot of stuff to the tip. He let me put a boiler in. But it still looks awful and is awful and as time drifted further and further along, and more and more issues cropped up, I lost faith and lost trust, and began to say I was no longer interested in being on his mortgage and/or going into business because it was obvious he wasn't interested. He kept me strung along in effect by saying 'yes I am!Just give me time/let me get such and such done first' etc etc.

Then nothing happened :(

Oh dear. It sounds like you may have bitten off more than you could both chew. Renovating a house is a massive cause of stress and pressure - been there, done that remember the stress of living in a dumpster and waking up to it every morn.

There's no way you can do this alone, so I reckon he's either capable of helping you or not - in which case you may be better out of this scenario, even if not all together.

To be honest, this renovation project would be a lot for a 'normal', healthy person to take on board, it just sounds too much for him.

Maybe it was a mistake taking this on, in which case what would be the easiest route out ? Selling up, breaking even ?

It just seems to me that it's adding to an already difficult situation. It seems like a massive ask for a man who is obviously not well at all. You are shouldering all of this and it looks impossible certainly to me as an outsider.

I never believe in regretting things. Rather, you do things with conviction and if they don't work out you pay the consequences as best you can and move on. There are two issues here: the house project and your DP and his state and what that's doing to you.

You do have options - don't forget that !! I know it's difficult to see the wood for the trees when we're entrenched in sadness and despair. Can you get away for a couple of days, with a friend/family, get some distance and have a think about things ?!

I suppose so :(

I didn't think so at the time. My family are in the property development business so we had expert advice and good contacts at the best prices, plus (well when I'm not a wreck like I feel now!) I'm very driven and energetic-or was, I would have had it sorted within a couple of months had I had his back.

As you say, you're totally right- It's stressful for anybody but, with that circumstance, we had the ideal situation for it to be as easy as possible. I was so excited about it.

I can't help feeling a bit resentful that, I gave him an opportunity to sort his house out, that a lot of people in his situation would snap my hand off for. Expert advice, money, my time to be here for any workmen, total support... And he just snubbed. Then again, who would live in a house full of junk and with no hot running water that stank and had a derelict kitchen?NOT most people, in the first place!

But because It's HIS house, and as soon as I sold up and moved in things seemed to change and he just sat about all the time doing nothing, I daren't do it. I did keep saying 'right, let's do this'. I even packed things up in order to get a skip and start renovations. He wouldn't let me do it and as my name wasn't on the house, where could I stand?If I did do it without his permission, I'd stress him out and end up out of pocket.If I didn't, I had to live with thinking, WHY?And also have to cook in a dark, damp, derelict kitchen. No win, never expected him to not want it-he totally seemed confident and as enthusiastic as me. Bipolar :(
I understand now, I didn't then.

He always said It'd help to have my name on the mortgage so I'd pay half (It's a tiny mortgage payment anyway and I'd have got us a good deal), but then he never did that. I kept asking him why, is it trust issues?He denied just kept saying I'll do it tomorrow/Monday/Lunch hour (when he was still working) then never did. Even if he didn't trust me, and if we split up he wouldn't lose anything, by the time I'd ploughed all my income into the place it'd be worth so much more anyway.I don't get it.

So on the plus side I'm free from any ties to the house. On the not plus side I get nothing out of all the stress and money I've put into this. I paid for the boiler and fitting, for some other bits and bats, subbed him as he isn't working, paid for anything we did together, wood/fittings etc when he was actually doing things) but other than that he hasn't done anything.

I know It's a big project for anybody to take on. I believed we could do it, because of my business sense and contacts and his hands on ability. He's absolutely brilliant at building and DIY. When he actually does it. :( but it seems for whatever reason (MH/Alcohol abuse/Doesn't want to) he won't do it.

I said to him today,if I was going on observations of the last two years , It's pretty clear that you don't want to be together with me making us a better life. You want something else. SO we need to part.. He got upset but didn't deny it. :(

You're right, I shouldn't be asking this of a man who isn't well at all. I feel so bad about that but, when we got together, had you or any other stranger met him, you'd have thought he was the most sound of mind, savvy, confident person ever. Now I understand bipolar and now his diagnosis... That makes sense. Had I had any clue of his issues, I may have even still been together with him.But It's the lies he told me and the covering up of it all, I hadn't got a clue :(

Also if I do leave, I leave a sick man in a derelict property with no job and nobody to take him to all his appointments and support him. What kind of person am I :(

I've never been in a situation like this before. I must sound like a gibbering idiot. Sorry xx

Thanks for your advice, again. It does sound clearer in my head now. Have some :)

Awwh thx for the fleurs :-))).

What you are feeling is totally normal i'd say, but I think you are forgetting that your DP is a sick man - don't forget that.

In my last relationship, I too felt like I needed to stay around to 'fix' my sick MHP. Fact is, he needs to do that himself. All you can do is be there to support him.

Living with someone with MH problems is massive. Take a look at some of the forums out there for those living with such cases. It's very sad but some sufferers are their own worst enemies, in which case you could be in for a lot of frustration.

You cannot live his life for him and you shouldn't be putting your own life on hold. I'm guessing you don't have kids... What happens if you want kids ? This guy sounds like he can't take care of himself let alone anyone else.

I do think some time away from this situation will help you see things in a better light. Look at your options, keep calm, get yourself feeling better first and then tackle this one step at a time.

Thanks. xx I can't sleep 'cause I'm so upset. Feel betrayed by him but also so guilty. If he was okay when I met him, has getting with me, despite my having the best intentions, caused all this scenario for him?He seemed okay although he did say he had had a very down episode shortly before we met (he told me this long after we got together).

Maybe the best thing I can do for him is leave him alone.

Let him carry on as he was before I came in like a whirlwind and tried to change his life, albeit for the better but he wasn't able.

I feel really bad 'cause recently I've become so depressed, just things like he won't go to work and his finances are such a mess. When we met he told me he was financially secure (don't get me wrong I don't need a millionaire, far from it!) and that he was in a position to go into business with me.
He was just telling me what I wanted to hear. I'm stupid for not seeing red flags everywhere.
Yes I should leave him alone. I can move into my friend's house or rent somewhere.. I just envision myself listening to sad songs and crying all the time. Hence the title!I put a lot of emotional investment into the relationship, anything else aside :(

What happened with his job - did he have an episode? And why isn't he using the services of the NHS - he sounds like he should be in the care of a Community Home Treatment Team? How do you know he has bi-polar - how was he diagnosed?

Theshimmering

Job-yes he just wouldn't go in one day, sat around drinking and sleeping then drinking, this happened then he went back an then again and then he went back...Now's the longest period since I've been with him. He still has his job, he's on SSP though. Theyv'e asked that he keeps in touch to appease his boss and prove he's taking measures to communicate with them. He hasn't.
Why not NHS-psychiatrist waiting list was 8 weeks minimum. He/I/we couldn't wait that long so went to a private one.
I've not heard of CHTT?Is that the same as a community psychiatric nurse, or different?We've been told he can't have a CPN until he discharges from private psychiatric treatment.
How do I know, Psychiatrist diagnosed him :)

Thanks for read/reply :)

Oh and he says he doesn't' really want to go back to work. I've been supporting himon the premise that he'll take his meds and go for the treatments and try to get himself better to get back to work. A breakthrough/realisation a couple of weeks ago, a conversation we had he expressed that he didn't really want to go back to work. That was the turning point for me really.
I don't know how he intends to support himself, I can't/won't support us both :( It'd destroy me on so many levels . If I'm horrible for saying that, then okay. But not right IMO, I won't. Not good for me or him.
Then again, is he kidding himself-is he thinking straight, possibly/probably not. I thought in the past, he'll regret it if he doesn't and he'll wake up one day kicking himself. But now, not so sure. :(

You have to walk away from this. He sounds highly manipulative and emotionally abusive, but because he's been diagnosed with various illnesses, you believe you're supposed to feel sorry for him or help him. There is no obligation on your part. You're feeling destroyed and depressed because you're a kind, decent person & you've allowed his many and various problems to occupy your thoughts and take up your time. They're not your responsibility.

Do whatever it takes to get away and never look back. Once you're away, you'll start to feel better. To really break free go a strict 'no contact' and make a serious effort to keep yourself busy with your new life and with things that make you happy.

Good luck

Listen, he survived before he met you, and he'll survive again until he finds someone else to prop him up.

You aren't horrible for not wanting to support someone who refuses to work and refuses to help himself and bleeds you emotionally and financially because he can. You're free and easy. Walk away. He will survive.

I'm sure this man has some good qualities otherwise you would not have been attracted to him, but it really sounds as if this relationship is not good for you.

He may have issues, but the truth is they will probably never be fixed. He may well never work again as he has said himself he does not want to. In the meantime you are stuck there living in a tip with a great big needy useless baby who drags you down. Is this what you want?

He kept his issues hidden just long enough to rope you in. Of course this did not all happen after he met you. I'd bet good money that it was going on long before. And he's a slob. No hot water for ten years. Really? Is that normal?

Can you think back to how you were before the two of you met. Presumably you worked, paid your bills, had friends, felt pretty happy most of the time. Yes you wanted a life partner, but I am sure the description in your head was not the relationship you had now. Compare that with how you feel now. He's dragging you down.

On a cynical level, think also that you are putting the sale proceeds of your house and your hard earned wages into keeping both him and his house.You have no ownership of the house so it is wasted money. He LET you put in a boiler? FGS I's love it if someone would pay to replace my boiler!

Walk away. You can do so much better. I understand the need to rescue him. I'm a rescuer too, but trust me based on years of bitter experience, you can't rescue someone else and however much you try the bastards aren't grateful anyway.

Actually, don't walk, run.

The SSP will run out soon then, and he should then go onto Employment and Support Allowance. Subject to Work Capability Assessment and runs out after a year.

The CHH Team monitors folk with mh issues in the community, while they are a patient of secondary (ie specialist mh) services. This usually means having a CPN visit, also access to therapies etc. It attempts to provide more support than it sounds like he is currently getting, in theory, (and excepting what you're doing). Maybe discharge from his current psych would be for the best?

Other posters are right: it's not your job to rescue him. In fact your being there to support him may be giving him a get out

CogitoErgoSometimes I don't have first hand experience with emotional abuse but, I know about it through friends-he never seems to do or say anything that equates it. He tells me he loves me all the time, isn't overtly grateful for my help but I feel I am the emotional abuser now. I've got so upset and shouted at him, I'm ashamed of myself. It makes him feel worse when he's so down already. I don't think what I've done is acceptable, I'm massively frustrated and down and living like this, I'm blaming him and he cries and says sorry a thousand times. It isn't healthy. I was always such a kind, calm person hence my first post saying I feel I'm losing my mind.

Also I can't believe I'll feel better. I'm distraught and if I walk away I'll feel guilty, lonely, hysterical probably.It's been years since I've been through a relationship break up. I'm a grown woman and this feels so upsetting, I should be able to just walk away and get on but I know I'll be a proper mess.

Also my job's very public-I have to be very bubbly and outgoing. I can't see myself being able to work. Is this normal?!

bragmatic before me he was single for a year or so but before that, he's said, all his girlfriends he's had (one of ten years) were very dependent on him. None of them worked aside from odd jobs.. He paid for everything, looked after them , they relied on him all the time. I've been the odd one out.

3mum yes he's very kind and caring and supportive. I've never had that. It felt nice that somebody would come to the GP with me when I had some bad news, etc. He wold help with my work-tell me what designs worked and what didn't etc, very affectionate, very sociable when I met him.
Yes on the hot water thing -I thought he was joking when I got told that!
I know he has deep seated issues, he had a lot of trauma growing up and with work and past relationships. It pains me to think about it but when he first told me about them he was 'up' and very positive about it all. Then he sank bit by bit.

I did yes, I was happy. I was a bit of a party girl I guess, very outgoing & confident,but I was ready to meet somebody when he came along, and so, so happy when I felt this could be the right person for me.

Sorry I would buy you a new boiler, but I'm a bit skint now! ;)

You say you're a 'rescuer', what happened to people after you left?If you don't mind me asking.

Pussycat, what is CHH please?
I think you're right, the psychiatrist is quite judgmental and also seems a bit lax in that he didn't know much about the medication he prescribed (like its side effects and what it actually causes to happen). I wasn't happy with them. However if the meds are wrong, I guess he'll have to stay under them until his new ones take effect?

I'll still sort that out. I feel It's not right to walk until I've at least made sure he's not right. lemon made good points and now I realise a lot of this is my fault for stressing him out when he was ill. In my defense, I didn't know he was ill until fairly recently.

Thank you everyone for your support.

My mistake - meant Community Mental Health Team (or its equivalent, the names can vary a bit) - they consist of psychiatrists, CPNs, social workers and allied health care professionals who work from a centre in the community, usually. They work to a care plan; which can include meds, visits from CPN, referral to psychologist or therapist, self-managment courses, though what is available varies. This is supposed to be arrived at (and usually is) in consultation with the patient. Could be as much as a weekly visit from a CPN, plus seeing psych monthly, could be occasional visits dependent on recovery. Your MH Trust provides emergency help if there is a mh crisis such as suicidal feelings or a hypomanic or manic episode - more easily accessed if you are already a patient of theirs.

The first thing they would do, probably, if trying a different med, would be to withdraw the one he's currently on. And then start the new one. But I am not a psychiatrist...

..And now he's promising he'll get my name put on his house.

Like, today. Because I've been voicing that I've become upset and depressed and told him (sensibly) that since we've been together he's turned into a heavy drinking work shy depressed person and I've become depressed and angry and upset, surely that's proof enough that this isn't working?

He says he did say a few months ago he'd put my name on the house, and he's right-he did. But I never expected that he actually would and by that time, I figured it was already obvious that he didn't want to because it had already been so long. I was already doubtful about my commitment to him by then, because of everything that was going on and the lack of progress, and his failure to work, and his drinking..etc.etc..

He says he doesn't understand why I don't want it now. I don't either, really?
I guess because given my experience with him now, it doesn't seem the good idea it once did. Also (as I said to him), me owning half a house does not take away all the pain and issues and the fact that I'm upset and down and clearly not functioning, because of everything that's happened :(
I don't really understand myself, if I'm honest. It's what I wanted to happen but it was never my only intention, he seems to think doing that will fix everything!

This: I guess because given my experience with him now, it doesn't seem the good idea it once did.

Regardless of his mh, he sounds a little too feckless to entangle your life with, financially, or otherwise. He might be able to change, however this is more likely if he's on his own than with you around being proactive, which may enable him to coast iyswim. IMHO.

And for goodness sake, don't stay because you are kind.

(Thank you, quietly, I just realised this was one of my reasons to stay when I should have gone..)

TheShimmering I totally agree. It will be hard for me to leave, I will be starting from scratch,practically as I own no property now,and emotionally as I really (stupidly, I sound like a teenager I know) thought I'd found somebody to go through time with,but even with that, I really agree. He will have to be proactive himself.ATM I'm 'carer'. And yes,I spoke to my Mum tonight who agrees,house or no house she doesn't think I should be involved with him.

quietely
I'm not that young! (33 he's 45) but yes I know what you mean and I agree on the psychiatrist thing.It does make sense that he may not even actually be bipolar-there's no definitive test is there.

Yes I suppose. I've not had a serious relationship before-career has always come first for me. However I seem to have met a lot of unkind people over the years and was very happy to meet somebody who wasn't.I guess I could eventually find another one.

I guess I feel bad if I leave and he gets worse :(

Thank everybody and apologies for late reply. Brain is a bit 'addled' at the moment (i.e I'm all over the place,upset one minute okay the next).
Not equipped for this!Didn't sign up for it! :(

I joined MN because I was heavily involved in bringing up a child but not my child,if that's relevant. I'm not now.

No he doesn't tell his psych how much he drinks.Then again I kind of get why as he wouldn't get medication otherwise. Medication's not done a jot,though.

If he is lying to his psychiatrist about what chemicals he is putting into his body, and paying privately, then he might as well throw his money away. The psychiatrist cannot do their job properly; and they are bound by a rule of confidentiality (exceptions apply, obviously, dependent on circumstances). (BTW in a Community Home Treatment Team, the confidentiality is within the team, ie there is group support, with a range of expertise).

He won't go on the NHS though, will he? Referral would have to be through his GP (if he does have bipolar his GP needs to know regardless of who the psych was who diagnosed him ) - or hasn't he got a GP?

Save yourself or you will end up like him!!!

It's a family member who's paying for his psychiatrist.

Yes he's told his psychiatrist he's a drinker but to be fair,I think, I'M a drinker!As in, I like a bottle of wine of a weekend.HE, is something else-like,all day every day :( the psychiatrist doesn't know that.

He probably wouldn't have given any medication if he had have admitted it.However he did go to an alcohol help service and they were rubbish.They told him he was too advanced in intelligence for their technique to work (he is an intelligent person, I agree on that but... And that they didn't think he was bad enough to refer to rehab.

To be fair, I did think he could stop alone because I've seen him go for a few days without drink before. So I didn't say much to him about stopping going to that...Plus going into rehab would have possibly lost him his job.

He does have a GP-they referred him to both NHS and Private psychiatrists, the NHS one as I mentioned above,had a long waiting list, though.
My next step is to get him to go to the GP and try to get a CPN and some on contact help.

Val, I think I'm getting there already :(
well,not really but I do feel I'm losing my mind over all this and as you can tell by time of posting, I can't sleep :(

Is there a wealthy family lurking in the background? People who know they are going to come into money some day can be subtly affected in their attitude to life in the meantime. As to doing without a boiler, it can be done, and a miserly/not bothered attitude to these things can be associated with Aspergers.

Just throwing possibilities out, not diagnosing!!

Whatever the reason, he has to sort himself out.

Hope you slept eventually - you are a problem solver and doer by nature, and I expect your brain just keeps looking for a solution.