I just feel pathetic (relationshp breakdown).

[FeelingLostJess]

(NC as I know quite a few MN people personally).

I just don't know how to handle it, emotionally, mentally..

No abuse, nothing really bad-but DP has issues and I can't cope with them. In fact they've got me so I've become quite depressed. I'm snappy and weepy and keep having a go at him. That is scaring me, I'm not usually that sort of person at all, I feel as if I am losing my mind.

I can go into more detail if anybody thinks necessary. But basically, when we got together we fell in love (well I thought we did!) and I advised him I couldn't get with him really seriously because I planned on moving counties to be near to my Mum, and he said no worries, no ties here, my job's moveable, we'll do that together... and I never pressured him, always kept asking was he sure?

He said he was and we made a lot of plans, (nothing extravagant) but to sell my house which was in a bit of a dodgy area , move into his together, do it up, rent it out and buy another. . We both had good salaries and both had a lot of support with this.

This was 3 years ago. Nothing has changed. It's later transpired that he has a drink problem and bipolar disorder. My life's been taken up helping him with these issues and with appointments and work meetings and stuff-fine, I'd do anything for those I love. But nothing has changed, It's as if once I moved into his, he just sat and watched TV and drank. I kept asking what was wrong, I kept saying 'right shall I do xyz for the house' , I said okay, I've ordered somebody to come sort xyz out...he said no.

He hasn't been to work in months and months.

Everything wasn't happening. Now I sit here nursing a glass of wine whilst he sleeps off a drunken coma, thinking wtf?

He didnt' drink heavily when I met him. He's never been angry or abusive or violent or anything like that, no matter how much he drinks.
He treats me well when we're out or in, he's loving and caring and attentive, does things that help me personally, shows a lot of signs that he does love me.But then, I think if he did love me, or more importantly, want us, surely he'd sort himself out? Sorry to anybody who suffers MH issues if that sounds naive or horrible, I don't mean it to :( I'm just so confused.

He appeared fine for the first 3 months or so then the problems started but didn't seem major. I was drip fed them all. I know I sound like an idiot here, but if you saw me on paper I'm really not! I have a PHD, am from a successful family, my own business...Why then am I so stupid to let this happen? And why am I so cut up about it, It's only a 3 year relationship :(

But then, I guess I've never really felt like I needed a man before him, I really really thought we clicked and felt the same way about one another. I've never had that before.

And also, why the chuff can I not handle it?

I've found somewhere to go when we break up. I'm making his illness worse now by making him feel shit all the time. He's cried and apologised and admitted his mistakes, repeatedly, and the thing is, even when I'm calm he gets upset if I try to talk about any of it.

Also, I'm so, scared. I know if I leave him I'm going to cry every night for months. I feel like such a failure. I know I'm doing the right thing? Why am I so upset.

I know this all sounds so pathetic and dumb and I'm sorry. Or if it doesn't seem to make any sense. If nobody replies, It's helped me anyway, to get it down!
Thanks if you got this far reading it!

Not particularly, I know he's due a fairly large inheritance though. I know what you mean, I have been one of those people in the past! I've always worked hard,but I've taken risks I may not have done. I guess there are more extremes to that. Hmm...

Aspergers I will have a look at. I have always associated that with lack of emotion and being ruled by logistics, I could be wrong though, no expert..

He is very emotional. Hoarding is a symptom of many disorders though and he is that for definite.

Yes you're right. There's a generalisation about men not liking hearing about problems because they are always expected of themselves to find a solution. I think I'm one of those 'men', lol.

I slept at about 4 am until 9ish.Still shattered. Thank you for your kind words.
I'm so sad. Going to go for a walk in the (sort of) sunshine to see if I can cheer up :)

I have just written on another thread that I believe Asperger's is not a syndrome, just a cluster of behaviours on one end of an extreme, which can make it difficult to fit in with the rest of the world.

Just had 2 days of racing brain myself, partly due to clock change and partly my own fault but am now feeling much better. We had cloud here for the last few days, while everywhere else had nice weather - but the sun came out today, which has helped.

Hope you too are feeling better.

The weather has such a profound effect on most of us, I think. What thread was that,please?
Glad you're feeling better xxx

As you can tell I'm up at 430 am but I had to have a nap today which has affected my sleep pattern. Being down and also an unrelated health issue made me very tired today, but as regarding this situation, I'm actually feeling a little better.

I am putting off leaving, though. Practical things such as I have a lot of appointments around where we're living now, and also emotional things such as a big conference to do with work is coming up and I'd rather not be feeling unsettled and heartbroken whilst being part of that. Ugh.

He was being a bit more reasonable today. I've said I'm leaving and he kind of ignores it. Then today, after a very minor domestic row I said something like 'Well you'll have your house back soon' and he started acting all hurt and telling me to not say things like that. When I mention it I'm either 'kicking him whilst he's down' or 'Thanks I've had an alright day today,way to upset me!'

I said 'Okay, DP-could you please grow up for a minute and tell me if you don't want me to leave, what do you think is offered to us both if I stay?WHY do you want me to stay-you've been disinterested in me and everything I stand for, for a long time!'

For a change, he turned off whatever he was watching and said okay let's talk. We did. He said he realised his wanting me to stay was selfish, but I make him very happy most of the time.

I said 'happy people do NOT sit about all day, drinking'.

:( I really need people to tell me I'm doing the right thing by both of us. I'll never leave otherwise. Plus just the whole rigmarole of leaving where I'm used to living and beginning again...Failing at what I wanted to accomplish. I feel pretty crappy. Thanks for reading xxx

I thought that I fitted the AS criteria, and asked for an assessment, at age 60+

This is my most recent post about it:

"Well, I have just had my feedback session with the Autism Assessment Team - and I do not meet the criteria for any form of autism.

I note, however, that face blindness did not form part of the assessment, and all the info I've read says it is part of it.

So perhaps it's a separate thing. It's always caused problems. Even now, I often don't recognise people, or they look familiar but I can't put a name to them. I've got better over the years, and less embarrassed to have to keep repeatedly asking for names.

If you add a cocklodging Ex into the equation (for decades), plus my cognitve style as manifested at uni and in employment, stir all together, and you get a rather sad person.

Under it all, I've always been an optimist though. And I seem to have, at last, got to a happy place "

feeling, sod whatever syndromes are going on. Take notice of the behaviours and beliefs which are causing problems. If he won't change, get out. Do not waste years of your life trying to fix things, as I did.

My advice is going to sound very harsh but here goes.

Leave him. Cut your losses. Do not get into any financial commitment with this man especially involving property. He has dragged you down this far, it will only get worse.

Yes it might improve for a few short weeks because you have voiced your disproval. But then it will all slip again. You are too different. You want get up and go, he wants a quiet life.

Add the drinking and MH issues into the mix, and its just a disaster. Fast forward 15 years and he will have bled you dry financially, emotionally, psychologically. You will become a shadow of yourself if you stay with this man.

You did not cause his MH and alcoholism. You can not cure him nor save him. Stop playing the rescuer and walk away. Take time to heal and maybe some counselling for yourself.

finola this is exactly what I did/allowed to happen

"You are too different. You want get up and go, he wants a quiet life.

Add the drinking and MH issues (cocklodging) into the mix, and its just a disaster. Fast forward 15 years and he will have bled you dry financially, emotionally, psychologically. You will become a shadow of yourself if you stay with this man. "

except it was more than 15 years in my case.

Leave this man. My EXH was exactly the same. I spent far too long trying to help him. I did leave and guess what, he was absolutely fine. In fact he got significantly better. I don't doubt that your DP is depressed but he is doing nothing to help himself. You can't help him and God knows you have tried. Don't worry about being single. Being single really is not the hell that some people make it out to be. Having a big work commitment is a good way to stop you focussing on a break up. You are far too young to put up with this crap. Seriously, focus on yourself and start to enjoy your life again.

Put on your running shoes, run like the wind.

You are being too nice for your own good. Please do not end up in the same boat as my MIL(deceased). Men such as he can take you past the point of no return.

There are times when selfishness is a lifesaver. This is definitely one of them. Run!

Pussycat I know you're right and I'm sorry to hear about all you've been through.
Sometimes I just want to scream at him that I no longer give a toss about his issues, I give a toss about the reality, the space we live(D!) in, and how the situation causes me to feel!How he's treating our relationship as if It's so trivial.

Finola you don't sound harsh. Again, I know you're right-I haven't coped for this length of time, dread to think what any more time would do to me.

I went to a counsellor today. She told me much the same as a lot on this thread have said.

I was worried about my anger and lashing out ( as I put in my OP), as I said I felt I was losig it. That behaviour isn't 'me' at all.

She said she would be more concerned if I wasn't angry, my anger is normal and justifiable and okay. And that it could be a factor in getting me through the breakup.

She told me that I would never reach my full potential in this relationship and so I must go from it, that I would heal. I deserve better than somebody like him..

And that as far as this man's concerned, I have nothing left to give, I've done my best.

Whitesugar thank you. I'm worried about being without him. I've become a bit of a wuss, really. We've always been so affectionate, I no longer feel strong knowing I'll never be in his arms again!
Or not knowing I'll get a cuddle after a long day..Just feeling so unloved now.

I never had that before so why do I feel It's so important to my well-being, now?!

Nomama :D

Well, I set up my room at my friend's place today. I came back to our home today to get the rest of my things and to stop over as I have an early morning appointment nearby. Then I'm going to go. And try to never come back.

He says I just need to get away for a bit ad then he'll 'sort everything', we don't need to split up. Whenever I try to talk to hm about my upset he gets annoyed with me....I don't know if he's dillusional or how he plans to 'sort everything' or even what he means, really.

Yus he's better off without me. And I've a feeling I'm the only one that'll grieve for this relationship. To him it was just a fantasy (a real one?) that wasn't quite real in his mind.

All he has to do to take his mind off it is drink and watch TV. It's on my mind constantly, wish it was that easy for me.
Sorry for late reply. I found it quite painful to revisit but I feel better now.

Apologies for thread resurrection but I feel it helps me to write and I've woken up at 4 am for some reason.

I'm all moved in to my friend's.

I've seen him a couple of times since-we were both invited to an event, but I didn't see much of him there, and then I went to take him to a CBT appointment that he needed somebody to drive him to.

I asked would he prefer me or (a friend) to take him and he said me so I did that.

He's still drinking over a whole 70cl bottle of spirit per day. He's stilll not been in contact with his work.
He told me my home is with him, not here, and that he'll fix everything. H's aid he's hit rock bottom now and will only go up from there (!). He's been getting payday loans, though. I disapprove and always did when I found those before, but given his SSP just about covers his mortgage and bills....

I have actually been okay.... I've not been as bad as I thought I would be,no crying or taking a bottle of wine to bed for my tears.. I have just kept busy and got on with life, tried to get a lot of sleep and seen friends/family.

I worry about him and It's very weird being apart. It's not what I'm used to and not what I expected. I'm not one for pinning my happiness on other people especially not a significant other, but I really did think he was the one for me...And as such It's weird getting used to this situation. I don't know what will become of him, now.

Weekends are especially hard I feel, I'm not quite sure why!

Thanks again for everyone's help on this thread .

Well done and great to get an update. It will be tricky and a bit lonely in the early days but you are putting yourself first and that was the best thing to do. He was dragging you down and didn't care enough about you to try to sort himself out. People like him are pretty self obsessed. Well done again. You are a young woman, you did the right thing and I hope you start enjoying your life again.