I can't stop dragging this up and I'm being a bitch.

[TheColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway]

Testing...

Perhaps he could have been more 'practical' Re: the miscarriage situation if indeed his older daughter could have been looked after by his mother, but I'm sorry, as a father your DP has his priorities correct and this is YOUR problem to address. His children come first always and he'll favour them against the world - that includes you.

Speaking as someone's whose exdh consistently puts his girlfriend above our DC in priority, YABVU.

I'm sorry you went through your miscarriage without him, but really, grow up. I think you're going to have to accept that actually, then, you weren't as important as his DD, and that now you still aren't as important. And that is fundamentally a good thing and makes him a fairly decent, if flawed, human being. Like the rest of us.

I mean, your relationship has gone from strength to strength and now you have a DD together. Can you honestly say hand on heart, that if you split, and he prioritised his new girlfriend over your DD for whatever reason, you would be happy about it?

Actually I would like to take out "flawed". He is a good father. Be thankful and count your blessings.

^^
I think you need to move on sooner rather than later or else you risk badly damaging your relationship in the long term.
He sounds like a good dad to be honest.

Look at it this way: he's a good dad. And he will be to your child too.

He was terrible to not put you first when you mc - sorry for your loss.

I think you should tell him you would like to know before he agrees to plans with ex and dsd. To run things by you first is respectful and he should be doing that anyway as you live together.

I had a miscarriage a few years back and my now ex boyfriend sounds a bit like yours...

It started on a Thursday evening so I was alone in my house with my 2 sons. Both too young for me to leave alone (and one is autistic). I managed to get them to bed then phoned then boyfriend at 9ish.

He sounded a bit put out but said he couldn't come round because of his sons. He lives just up the road from their mum and they look after them between them, a week each, but the arrangement was very flexible. I'm sure his neighbours would also have stepped in.

It was shockingly painful, to the point where every so often I couldn't speak to him properly on the phone. He said goodnight and I sat up all night, dealing with it.

In the morning I had to get up, clean up and take my sons to school. I also went to a job interview (I didn't get the job!!) I felt so weak and rough by the end of that day that my sister had to come round bringing chips for my sons.

It wasn't so much the not coming round during the miscarriage that upset me. It was the following morning - I thought he would phone or text me before work to see if I was OK. Then I thought that might happen sometime during the day - nothing. 2 days later he came round as though nothing had happened and he NEVER MENTIONED IT EVER.

It was so weird that I didn't mention it either. Then he told me he had booked himself in for a vasectomy and that "we had discussed it" (We had never discussed it). We split up soon after that.

I'm really surprised that posters think that men with children shouldn't go to their girlfriend's side while she is losing that man's baby. I'm not saying they should stay a week, or for days - but surely a few hours would be the decent thing to do?

I agree with wannabes post. I think you need to be honest with yourself about your DP. If he is an otherwise great partner and dad, but did this one crap thing years ago that he's apologized for many times, then you need to find a way to fix your own feelings about it.

If however you feel what he did then was quite typical, and that he hasnt changed his pov, then you may need to decide if this is the right partner for you.

I'm sorry about your miscarriage OP.

I really think that you and DP need to talk this through much more so that you can find a way to let go of your resentment. You don't want it bubbling up for years and years to come.

I speak from experience because I had something similar with DH. He did something that I resented hugely and it always came up in every single argument for ages. We finally had a proper long talk about it, eg not as part of an argument. He told me something that put a slightly different spin on things & It got me to consider the situation much more from his point of view. I no longer feel the same resentment, and it has not come up at all in arguments ever since.

Congratulations on your new baby

Many men (people) don't realise what it actually means to miscarry until it affects them personally, and your DP may have been suffering from this ignorance at the time.
I found that the birth of my baby brought up loads of feelings surrounding the ones I had lost, so I am not surprised at all to hear you say you have a newborn. It will be different in different areas, but if you feel at risk of PND there are sometimes counselling services that operate a crèche, and I have taken a new baby with me to sessions when he was at the stage of just feeding/sleeping.

It might be helpful for you to talk to a third party who could help you separate out general hormonal/vulnerable feelings post birth and regarding your loss, from those about your relationship with your DP.

Op, this little girl is not your competition

There is no first and second and you shouldn't try and force there to be.

Your feelings are vaild reactions, it's your perspective that's out of whack.

You have 2 kids that may need you at any time, even though sometimes it frustrating try to be pleased that your dp is a good dad.

It speaks volumes about him that he jumps and every chance to have her and its much better for little listening ears to hear of course she's always welcome here.

Come over the the lone parents board sometime, you'll be polishing your dps halo 2 threads in.

That's not to say I don't feel for you but look down at your little baby now and tell me honestly you wouldn't put him first over your dp if push came to shove

No two ways about it as far as I can see, planned pregnancy or not, he bottled out when you were experiencing the mc. The business about DSD was a red herring; he couldn't or wouldn't cope.

But that wasn't his pfb's fault. If as NRP he is glad to see DSD every chance he gets, that suggests he is going to be a loving caring dad for DD.

Since the birth of your baby has he been a good, considerate partner?

From the outset you were sensitive to the fact that sharing her dad with you was a big step for DSD. We are conditioned from childhood to put others first and it takes a lot to articulate resentment. He played the parent card back then but with regard to DSD not your pregnancy. Hence your anger now, on top of the hormones coursing through.

I don't blame you for wondering "When - if ever - do I come first?" but you know deep down you chose this man and all the baggage that came with him. Like all juniors DSD hasn't made her own choices she's at the mercy of adults around her.

Don't fume about what went on in DP's head back in that early, tragic event. Say it aloud, clear the air, get on with what you have now and ahead of you.

Absolutely ridiculous stuff on here, especially from jan45. FFS after some of the stuff you read on here the fact that a bloke puts his kid first is something that should be congratulated. You had a miscarriage and especially when it's early on lots of men don't see it for the traumatic event it may be for many women. He prioritised his kid and now you have another one together. Be grateful you're with a decent guy and move on. If you can't then go to a counsellor but your husband deserves a break.

It's not 'ridiculous stuff'. The OP suffered a serious emotional and physical trauma that many people struggle to deal with, even with 100% support from a partner. 'Putting children first' is a laudable principle but some things are serious enough to require flexibility. A partner experiencing a life-threatening, traumatic medical emergency falls into that bracket and ignorance of miscarriage is really no defence. Yes, the OP is now oversensitised to subsequent situations where they believe they are having to take second place, but I think it's understandable, they deserve our compassion, and they should not be told to 'grow up' and insulted in other ways.

OP I think you and your DP may have to engage in grief or other counselling to resolve this.

His daughter was asleep at his mum's house.

There was no reason not to leave her.

It's not as if he was being asked to leave her with the first stranger he could drag off the street!

By the sounds of things OP had already got herself to the hospital & was asking her parner to join her.

It was hardly that she just wanted him to go over on a whim!

He has apologised, said he made the wrong decision and means it??

Sometimes people make stupid decisions. He has said it was the wrong one, you've gone on to form a meaningful relationship and now have a baby. So you do need to put this behind you. Unless there are other examples of how shitty he is you can't bring this up forever. Either you forgive him or you don't, if you don't then you really need to look at whether you can continue in this relationship.

i think its just a casevof him not realising how distraught you were about the miscarriage.

Now its become symbolic to you, of every time you feel let down by him, then you have a massive overload of emotions and anger, because you havent processed what happened with the miscarriage.

Talking it through with him is obviously a good idea, but the problem is, its likely to be intense for him and an onslaught of things you want him to have not done, and he will apologise,because he wants the onslaught to stop but its still not ok is it, because hes already apologised and it hasnt changed what happened.

i think maybe you need to speak to a therapist about it and try and untangle it. Maybe theres something deeper thats making this harder to get past than it needs to be

UM Op can I ask a question?

How old is your New baby? and how much does your DP do with caring for new born especially when your DSD is there with you?

I might be way off the mark but there are a few things you have said that just make me wonder if there is a lot more to this than history?

YOu said you considered counciling but who can take care of DD? Surely DP would take care of DD whilst you go to counciling, and they you would take care off DD whilst he went to counciling if he felt it would help him too.

Like I said I might be reading something that not there, but are you feeling put out by not being asked / told / mentioned that DSD is coming over for a bonus visit is your DP still helping care for your DD when DSD is there or is he off caring for DSD and leaving you to care for DD?

Resentment can bread very quickly and how you feel is how you feel. BUT, blended families are still families. Do you DSD have any form of relationship? eg. let say you all go to the park, does DP sit with dd whilst you and DSD and and play on the swings etc. Or do you sit and watch DP play with DSD whilst you care for the nb DD?

What I am trying to say, perhaps not very clearly is how blended is your family? Or are you in a situation where DSD and DP are the primary family and you feel like your dropped every time DSD comes to stay. (NOT her fault at all)

IF (and I except that is a big if) you feel that way, I know I would start to build some degree of resentment pretty fast.

Also remember when you have a nb, any feelings you have had in the past about your MC are often aplified (I know mine were) its like another period of grieving and DP needs to understand that and support you through that IF that is how you are feeling.

You aren't being a bitch.

He let you don't that evening, you asked him to be with you for a very valid reason and he said no. It's no wonder you can't forgive him. You must be forever wondering if it will happen again, or what if your dd was ill, would he put his own dd before her?

He has acknowledged that he was wrong, but you need to talk it out some more so you can get to the very bottom of it and see if you can forgive him. If you can't talk calmly together then maybe you will need counselling.

Lots of really helpful viewpoints, thank you.

First of all DP is a good man. This is really the only shit thing he's ever done. But for some reason I've become stuck on it.

Whoever said that all the subsequent bonus visits from DSD have become symbolic, you were bang on the money. They have become symbolic. Because, like a pp said; I don't really believe that he'd behave differently if I needed him in similarly dangerous or tragic circumstances.

It's a good point about the blended family too. I would say I have a very good relationship with DSD and I know she's very fond of me too and she dotes on the baby. We do a lot of things together as a family. But within that dynamic it feels like DSD is very much DP's child and DD is mine.

I guess that's because DP sees our DD every day, plus she's still very little so not very interactive. So when DSD is with us (50% of the time) DP's attention is mainly on her. And hers is mainly on him. So I tend to leave them to it because I tell myself it's important for them to have one on one time together. So it does get me down when she's here for an extra night and I'd been looking forward to having DP deal with the baby for the evening just so I can have my arms back (novelty!). Instead he spends the whole evening doing bath, bedtime, story, etc.

I guess I could do it and DP do the baby but if it's a choice between me or her dad, she'll always prefer DP to do it because he's who she really wants and NEEDS to spend time with when she's here. So in that respect we're not comparable to a non-step family where the kids are interchangeable. Because the horrid truth is that if DP spends one on one time with his younger daughter, it would take away from time he could be spending with DSD when she's here.

I do feel like maybe counselling would help me unpick the miscarriage thing. What I can't get my head round is, if I miscarried under the same circumstances but I was DSD's mum instead of just being DP's gf, DP would've had no problem leaving her at her granny's to be with me. Why was I left to deal with it alone just because I was the gf and not the mother of his eldest child?

I think the answer to that is because if you were DSDs mum your DP would be living with his dd full time and so leaving her for a few hours wouldn't be such an upheaval for him. As it is, every moment he spends with her feels like a blessing, as he has to spend half the time missing her.

I have my DCs 6 days a week and for me, a night off is very welcome, but when they're occasionally away for 2 or 3 nights, especially if I'm not doing anything fun to take my mind off it, I do miss them.

50/50 sounds like an ideal scenario, but actually in think it's hard, a bit like working PT - you get the best of both worlds, but also the worst of both worlds.

I know exactly how you feel about being second best. My DP has 2 DDs 50/50 and I constantly have to remind myself that it's not a competition, that of course in some ways he will put them first, but in others I know he will take a night off from them when I have a free night so that we can spend time together.

It sounds like you won't truly believe that you are a priority (not above his DDs, but up there with them) until something happens to prove it. For me it was after a week away on business, when DP popped in to see me before going to see his DDs. I encouraged him to go and see them sooner rather than later, in the hope that he would come back to see me once they were in bed.

He said there wa a 75% chance he'd be back! but they might want him to stay with them. I accepted this (although I said I thought it was more like 5% he'd be back). But when I let it go and accepted that I'd see him the next day, I felt ok about it.

If I had a newborn with him, I know I'd expect more from him though. It's tough for you and I hope he steps up and shows you how important you and your dd are to him.

FatherJ: Absolutely ridiculous stuff on here, especially from jan45. FFS after some of the stuff you read on here the fact that a bloke puts his kid first is something that should be congratulated. You had a miscarriage and especially when it's early on lots of men don't see it for the traumatic event it may be for many women. He prioritised his kid and now you have another one together. Be grateful you're with a decent guy and move on. If you can't then go to a counsellor but your husband deserves a break.

If you are a man then you should feel ashamed, a woman losing a child, i.e., that child dying and expecting the father of that child to support her through the loss and the pain is basic, if you can't get that then you are ridiculous. This was an emergency no? The child was at her granny's anyway sleeping. It's quite obvious the OP's DP didn't view this as something important, it was, hence the reason, two years later the OP still feels resentful about that.

OP, counselling for yourself to get over the loss the baby would be a good idea, I'm sure, you've clearly got unresolved issues there, which is understandable.

I'm a woman and I had no idea how traumatic miscarriage was until I came on here. This was early in a pregnancy that was unplanned. I think trying to make the op angry about it all over again is unhelpful. She now has a baby with this man, and she says he's a great partner and father.

He has apologized, numerous times. Genuinely, what would satisfy you, jan? Are you hoping op ends her relationship and becomes a single parent over this?

Not once have I suggested the OP ends her relationship so don't know why you are insinuating I have.

The OP's main point is she finds it hard to get over what happened, all I did was sympathise with her and make no excuse for that whatsoever.

I don't really get how you didn't consider a miscarriage a traumatic event until you came on here...I've never had one but I know of at 5 woman who have and believe me, it's horrendous.

If I read anything else about how early the miscarriage was I think I will throw something at my screen.