I can't stop dragging this up and I'm being a bitch.

[TheColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway]

Testing...

[Linguini]

Tho it's hard, U need to understand and let go. U risk ending up in a never-ending repeating loop, going back to the same point at the very beginning of your relationship again and again.

U have so much to move forward for, a new DC to think about and a future with this man who has a proven track record of being a devoted father. Focus on that!

Your DP made a mistake, and regrets it. If you can't forgive him, things will be hard for much longer. U can't change the past, but you can forgive and move on if you want to.

Couples counseling isn't a bad idea... because you clearly don't trust him to always put you first.

[struggling100]

OP, I feel bad for you. You sound really hurt and some of the responses here are batty.

I think miscarriage is different for everyone, but can be an awful, traumatic and upsetting experience for some women. To go through it without support is, I think, unacceptable. The courageous and right thing for him to do as a man would have been to fess up to his mother, to make arrangements for her to care for SD, and to be by your side.

However, he's apologised profusely and is clearly feeling terrible about what he did. He knows it was a bad mistake and that it really hurt you - and he sounds like a very committed father now. So I think it's time to look inside, to see why this still bothers you so much. Does the thought of it trigger other difficult feelings of abandonment and loss? It's important to figure this out, because otherwise you could get stuck into a pattern of competing for his attention with other people and events, and never feeling 'good enough'.

[youarewinning]

I also think the miscarriage will be so strong in your mind right now because you have a newborn. You haven't properly grieved for the baby you didn't have because you were feeling unreasonable about your feelings.

I also think you need a proper talk to DP.

[AuntieMaggie]

I agree with the poster who suggested counselling - I don't know how it would work with a baby but if you ring around some counsellors they may have some suggestions for you about childcare. But I think you both need to talk this through properly before it continues to ruin your relationship. Good luck.

[Jan45]

No way was he thinking it was the best thing to do, his partner was losing THEIR baby and had called him at 11pm, DD was in bed sleeping at the time, utter nonsense that he was trying to do the best or right thing.

I can't for the life of me work out how anyone can think this was even something he had to choose over.

OP, when he did that he probably didn't have the feelings he clearly has for you now, with you having a baby together etc.

I do agree that you have to try and put it to bed and also that will always play second fiddle to his daughter, that's how it should be.

Maybe you just need to have another chat with him about it to finally clear it up on your mind, losing a child is not something you are just going to forget about and never mention again so it's not as though you are bringing something up that doesn't matter, of course it does.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

if I miscarried under the same circumstances but I was DSD's mum instead of just being DP's gf, DP would've had no problem leaving her at her granny's to be with me. Why was I left to deal with it alone just because I was the gf and not the mother of his eldest child?

I'm not really sure you are comparing apples to apples here OP.

If you were the mum instead of just the girlfriend, all sorts of circumstances would have been different.

• You would have had a higher level of commitment to each other (cf. not living together at the time of the pregnancy)
  
• You would presumably have a solid family unit of 3
  
• You would have all 3 likely been at home together, not DP and DSD staying with his mum
  
• The miscarriage would have started and progressed while you were in each other's company
  
• dare I say it but this would not have been your first pregnancy
  

Maybe there are other deeper reasons to his decision-making process on that night that he hasn't yet shared with you, that might explain and help you understand.

• did his mum know about you then?
  
• did she know you were even pregnant?
  
• did / does she like you?
  
• how would she have reacted to his upping and leaving in the middle of the night?
  
• how would he have explained it, to her and to DD?
  
• did DD know about you / how well did you know her?
  
• had DD ever stayed over night at Grannie's by herself?
  
• was DP already "invested" in the pregnancy or still getting his head around it?
  
• had he ever had experience of another miscarriage?
  

There are probably some mitigating factors somewhere, you just have to find them.

He is not a bad man, therefore he wouldn't have made a jerky decision on purpose. At the time he thought, on balance, he was doing the right thing (or at least the least-bad thing) for everyone involved, including his PFB. So if he can help you understand his thought processes, maybe you can resolve your resentment.

[CailinDana]

I don't think this is really about the miscarriage at all. It's about your older daughter. That's right OP your older daughter, who you didn't give birth to but who is still your kin. You need to accept her and accept that your DP has two children. The miscarriage triggered that feeling that your DP isn't really "yours" - he had a life and other priorities. He did fuck up jbut for a very good reason. Now your second child is here you are reminded that again this is not all fresh and new for your DP. And you feel angry about that. It's understandable but you must work on letting it go. Be a stepmum to your older DD, accept her into your family. She is your younger DD's sister. She is not an intruder. Don't make it a "me or her" situation because she doesn't deserve that.

[MorrisZapp]

I'm sorry, I spoke from ignorance. It looks like you could use professional help ie counselling to get this sorted. Not easy with a newborn in tow, do you have anybody who could have your lo for a couple of hours a week?

[MorrisZapp]

I'm sorry, I spoke from ignorance. It looks like you could use professional help ie counselling to get this sorted. Not easy with a newborn in tow, do you have anybody who could have your lo for a couple of hours a week?

[TheColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway]

Yeah not sure how early or late it was is relevant really. It was my first pregnancy and first miscarriage and it was horrendous. Made more so by the fact that the previous day I'd been sent for a scan at EPAU and had seen a tiny heartbeat :(

They were also able to date my pregnancy and I miscarried at exactly 7 weeks.

I don't feel like anyone's telling me to LTB. I know I need to get him to talk calmly about it. But he doesn't know what else he can do except apologise. And I don't know either.

[Iggi101]

If I read anything else about how early the miscarriage was I think I will throw something at my screen.

[Jan45]

Not once have I suggested the OP ends her relationship so don't know why you are insinuating I have.

The OP's main point is she finds it hard to get over what happened, all I did was sympathise with her and make no excuse for that whatsoever.

I don't really get how you didn't consider a miscarriage a traumatic event until you came on here...I've never had one but I know of at 5 woman who have and believe me, it's horrendous.

[MorrisZapp]

I'm a woman and I had no idea how traumatic miscarriage was until I came on here. This was early in a pregnancy that was unplanned. I think trying to make the op angry about it all over again is unhelpful. She now has a baby with this man, and she says he's a great partner and father.

He has apologized, numerous times. Genuinely, what would satisfy you, jan? Are you hoping op ends her relationship and becomes a single parent over this?

[Jan45]

FatherJ: Absolutely ridiculous stuff on here, especially from jan45. FFS after some of the stuff you read on here the fact that a bloke puts his kid first is something that should be congratulated. You had a miscarriage and especially when it's early on lots of men don't see it for the traumatic event it may be for many women. He prioritised his kid and now you have another one together. Be grateful you're with a decent guy and move on. If you can't then go to a counsellor but your husband deserves a break.

If you are a man then you should feel ashamed, a woman losing a child, i.e., that child dying and expecting the father of that child to support her through the loss and the pain is basic, if you can't get that then you are ridiculous. This was an emergency no? The child was at her granny's anyway sleeping. It's quite obvious the OP's DP didn't view this as something important, it was, hence the reason, two years later the OP still feels resentful about that.

OP, counselling for yourself to get over the loss the baby would be a good idea, I'm sure, you've clearly got unresolved issues there, which is understandable.

[LyndaCartersBigPants]

I think the answer to that is because if you were DSDs mum your DP would be living with his dd full time and so leaving her for a few hours wouldn't be such an upheaval for him. As it is, every moment he spends with her feels like a blessing, as he has to spend half the time missing her.

I have my DCs 6 days a week and for me, a night off is very welcome, but when they're occasionally away for 2 or 3 nights, especially if I'm not doing anything fun to take my mind off it, I do miss them.

50/50 sounds like an ideal scenario, but actually in think it's hard, a bit like working PT - you get the best of both worlds, but also the worst of both worlds.

I know exactly how you feel about being second best. My DP has 2 DDs 50/50 and I constantly have to remind myself that it's not a competition, that of course in some ways he will put them first, but in others I know he will take a night off from them when I have a free night so that we can spend time together.

It sounds like you won't truly believe that you are a priority (not above his DDs, but up there with them) until something happens to prove it. For me it was after a week away on business, when DP popped in to see me before going to see his DDs. I encouraged him to go and see them sooner rather than later, in the hope that he would come back to see me once they were in bed.

He said there wa a 75% chance he'd be back! but they might want him to stay with them. I accepted this (although I said I thought it was more like 5% he'd be back). But when I let it go and accepted that I'd see him the next day, I felt ok about it.

If I had a newborn with him, I know I'd expect more from him though. It's tough for you and I hope he steps up and shows you how important you and your dd are to him.

[TheColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway]

Lots of really helpful viewpoints, thank you.

First of all DP is a good man. This is really the only shit thing he's ever done. But for some reason I've become stuck on it.

Whoever said that all the subsequent bonus visits from DSD have become symbolic, you were bang on the money. They have become symbolic. Because, like a pp said; I don't really believe that he'd behave differently if I needed him in similarly dangerous or tragic circumstances.

It's a good point about the blended family too. I would say I have a very good relationship with DSD and I know she's very fond of me too and she dotes on the baby. We do a lot of things together as a family. But within that dynamic it feels like DSD is very much DP's child and DD is mine.

I guess that's because DP sees our DD every day, plus she's still very little so not very interactive. So when DSD is with us (50% of the time) DP's attention is mainly on her. And hers is mainly on him. So I tend to leave them to it because I tell myself it's important for them to have one on one time together. So it does get me down when she's here for an extra night and I'd been looking forward to having DP deal with the baby for the evening just so I can have my arms back (novelty!). Instead he spends the whole evening doing bath, bedtime, story, etc.

I guess I could do it and DP do the baby but if it's a choice between me or her dad, she'll always prefer DP to do it because he's who she really wants and NEEDS to spend time with when she's here. So in that respect we're not comparable to a non-step family where the kids are interchangeable. Because the horrid truth is that if DP spends one on one time with his younger daughter, it would take away from time he could be spending with DSD when she's here.

I do feel like maybe counselling would help me unpick the miscarriage thing. What I can't get my head round is, if I miscarried under the same circumstances but I was DSD's mum instead of just being DP's gf, DP would've had no problem leaving her at her granny's to be with me. Why was I left to deal with it alone just because I was the gf and not the mother of his eldest child?

[ExcuseTypos]

You aren't being a bitch.

He let you don't that evening, you asked him to be with you for a very valid reason and he said no. It's no wonder you can't forgive him. You must be forever wondering if it will happen again, or what if your dd was ill, would he put his own dd before her?

He has acknowledged that he was wrong, but you need to talk it out some more so you can get to the very bottom of it and see if you can forgive him. If you can't talk calmly together then maybe you will need counselling.

[willitbeagoodyear]

UM Op can I ask a question?

How old is your New baby? and how much does your DP do with caring for new born especially when your DSD is there with you?

I might be way off the mark but there are a few things you have said that just make me wonder if there is a lot more to this than history?

YOu said you considered counciling but who can take care of DD? Surely DP would take care of DD whilst you go to counciling, and they you would take care off DD whilst he went to counciling if he felt it would help him too.

Like I said I might be reading something that not there, but are you feeling put out by not being asked / told / mentioned that DSD is coming over for a bonus visit is your DP still helping care for your DD when DSD is there or is he off caring for DSD and leaving you to care for DD?

Resentment can bread very quickly and how you feel is how you feel. BUT, blended families are still families. Do you DSD have any form of relationship? eg. let say you all go to the park, does DP sit with dd whilst you and DSD and and play on the swings etc. Or do you sit and watch DP play with DSD whilst you care for the nb DD?

What I am trying to say, perhaps not very clearly is how blended is your family? Or are you in a situation where DSD and DP are the primary family and you feel like your dropped every time DSD comes to stay. (NOT her fault at all)

IF (and I except that is a big if) you feel that way, I know I would start to build some degree of resentment pretty fast.

Also remember when you have a nb, any feelings you have had in the past about your MC are often aplified (I know mine were) its like another period of grieving and DP needs to understand that and support you through that IF that is how you are feeling.

[Branleuse]

i think its just a casevof him not realising how distraught you were about the miscarriage.

Now its become symbolic to you, of every time you feel let down by him, then you have a massive overload of emotions and anger, because you havent processed what happened with the miscarriage.

Talking it through with him is obviously a good idea, but the problem is, its likely to be intense for him and an onslaught of things you want him to have not done, and he will apologise,because he wants the onslaught to stop but its still not ok is it, because hes already apologised and it hasnt changed what happened.

i think maybe you need to speak to a therapist about it and try and untangle it. Maybe theres something deeper thats making this harder to get past than it needs to be

[LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName]

He has apologised, said he made the wrong decision and means it??

Sometimes people make stupid decisions. He has said it was the wrong one, you've gone on to form a meaningful relationship and now have a baby. So you do need to put this behind you. Unless there are other examples of how shitty he is you can't bring this up forever. Either you forgive him or you don't, if you don't then you really need to look at whether you can continue in this relationship.

[diddl]

His daughter was asleep at his mum's house.

There was no reason not to leave her.

It's not as if he was being asked to leave her with the first stranger he could drag off the street!

By the sounds of things OP had already got herself to the hospital & was asking her parner to join her.

It was hardly that she just wanted him to go over on a whim!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's not 'ridiculous stuff'. The OP suffered a serious emotional and physical trauma that many people struggle to deal with, even with 100% support from a partner. 'Putting children first' is a laudable principle but some things are serious enough to require flexibility. A partner experiencing a life-threatening, traumatic medical emergency falls into that bracket and ignorance of miscarriage is really no defence. Yes, the OP is now oversensitised to subsequent situations where they believe they are having to take second place, but I think it's understandable, they deserve our compassion, and they should not be told to 'grow up' and insulted in other ways.

OP I think you and your DP may have to engage in grief or other counselling to resolve this.

[FatherJake]

Absolutely ridiculous stuff on here, especially from jan45. FFS after some of the stuff you read on here the fact that a bloke puts his kid first is something that should be congratulated. You had a miscarriage and especially when it's early on lots of men don't see it for the traumatic event it may be for many women. He prioritised his kid and now you have another one together. Be grateful you're with a decent guy and move on. If you can't then go to a counsellor but your husband deserves a break.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

No two ways about it as far as I can see, planned pregnancy or not, he bottled out when you were experiencing the mc. The business about DSD was a red herring; he couldn't or wouldn't cope.

But that wasn't his pfb's fault. If as NRP he is glad to see DSD every chance he gets, that suggests he is going to be a loving caring dad for DD.

Since the birth of your baby has he been a good, considerate partner?

From the outset you were sensitive to the fact that sharing her dad with you was a big step for DSD. We are conditioned from childhood to put others first and it takes a lot to articulate resentment. He played the parent card back then but with regard to DSD not your pregnancy. Hence your anger now, on top of the hormones coursing through.

I don't blame you for wondering "When - if ever - do I come first?" but you know deep down you chose this man and all the baggage that came with him. Like all juniors DSD hasn't made her own choices she's at the mercy of adults around her.

Don't fume about what went on in DP's head back in that early, tragic event. Say it aloud, clear the air, get on with what you have now and ahead of you.