My random thoughts on Relationship threads..

[Andy1964]

I've been reading and posting on here for a while now. some may agree with my views and advice and some may not but hey, we all deal with things in different ways and that's ok.

There does seem to be some common issues that couples/families need to deal with though.

Couples/Families don't seem to have the ability to talk honestly with each other. From a guy's point of view I kinda get it because in general we don't seem to be made that way. It's either too embarrasing to talk about or we don't want to upset the status quo. It's a guy thing but it does not help us! We, as a gender, really need to open up more and be prepared to discuss things regardless of how uncomfortable they are. My wife and I learnt to communicate even though we both thought we were good communicators.
There is no shame in seeking help from outside sources/proffessionals (councellors) so if you are having problems please learn to talk to each other, don't row, have an adult conversation. A row will only serve to get everyones back and defences up. Walk away from a row and come back to have a conversation when the time is right. I can't possibly do any harm!

Sometimes we make the wrong decisions in taking a partner, we don't often, as a race get it right, first time round. Reading through some of the posts on this board horrifies me. Some partners (mostly guys on here) are really not worth wasting anymore of your time with. Don't be afraid to LTB please. Yes it will be hard to start with, it will be upsetting, your world will fall apart, you won't be able to stop crying, all you will want to do is curl up in a ball and forget everything but it WILL get better and you WILL be better off. This may come as some very harsh advice but sometimes you really do need to just get on and do it and roll with the bad times.
Even if you don't have a support network of friends and family there are many other forms of support including some of the experieced posters on here, you just have to seek them out.
Chances are if you've mad a mistake in choosing a partner and it comes to it you will be happier on your own than with some of the horrible guys some of you post about.

So conversations, accepting that it's ok to have chosen the wrong partner and having the balls (insert female equivallent) to LTB are my sage pieces of advice.
Very generallistic I know so what other general peices of advice would you give given the general theme of posts here?

Oh but Andy I disagree. You've come on here and completely failed to get across your point.

I suggest your communication skills are pretty crap on the evidence so far.

themaltesefalcon

That's very helpful.

I wonder wether you would say the same to the majority of posters on other conversations who describe their XH in much the same way.
You know nothing of my previous marriage, it is an accuracte description. She lied, she cheated.

The thread has derailed, fact! don't read anymore into it than that. don't forget I'm a stupid male that means nothing more that what he says.

"It is with genuine regret that if feel I have to retort to these comments in general"

Ha ha ha!!!!

Brilliant

slug

Thanks for you opinion

"cheating lying bitch" - on a female-led forum? In the relationship section? On a thread which you commenced about communication?
Put the JCB away Andy.

Andy, mate. I don't know what you were intending to impart with your OP.

I mean, it all sounds like sensible stuff and it's difficult to disagree with any of it but, er, well, why? Why did you bother? I've not been on the forum for long (and am a man) but can see that lots of women in terrible turmoil and circumstances come on here for help and support (and get it). But for them, some random man saying in a generic way "Don't be afraid to LTB please" is just a bit pointless because they want support and help that's specific to their situation.

So (and this is a genuine question) who were you intending to help with your post?

Andy, in case you think it's a bit of a gender-biase here, I too have that tricky Y-chromosone going on.

keepithidden I think it was a pertinent question given that Andy had just written
One wonders why some members are on the relationships board if this is their attitude to a male point of view

Okay.

"What do you think about x"
"How do you feel about y"
"Why did you do z"

Yes, that's what I said would happen if you weren't an equal;

Your partner has to spend time working out those things and accommodating them is the answer, and that can get extremely wearing because there isn't any real reason why an adult should be let off taking responsibility for themselves or allowed to be a passenger in their own lives.

Is there any particular reason why you feel it is ok that your wife has to ask you how you feel and lead you through your feelings like a child? Your posts imply it's because you've let yourself off the responsibility of learning to communicate better any more than you already have because you are a man and it is harder for men... Which it isn't btw.

This kind of thing ends marriages you know, it's the major reason mine ended tbh although my xh could not even learn to articulate when asked and led, which was infinitely more frustrating.

The only reason at the root of this giving up trying is a lack of personal responsibility that people tend to blame on gender, personality type, stress, fear etc or whatever they think justifies not behaving like an adult. Problems with communication can be resolved if you accept it is your responsibility and duty to resolve them, there really is no reason why someone can't learn to communicate if they try.

And keepithidden, if you don't mind me bringing you into this, I think your situation shows it isn't a gendered issue because I think your major problem is your wife's (perhaps inability to communicate) abdication of her responsibility to communicate in the relationship too.

No worries Red.

I agree it isn't a gendered issue, we're both crap at communicating.

Welcome back to MN, Pan. Did you enjoy your brief incarceration in Strangeways mini breakette ?

The food was shit.

How about the company ?