Leaving a sexless marriage

[plasticprimrose]

No it isn't medical (he has had testosterone levels checked) or work/stress related he just has no sex drive. We have been married 15 years and sex has always been very low priority for him and for years I threw myself at him and we managed a pretty normal if not mundane sex life.

The last 5 years it changed where he would reject me if I made any advances until I got the hint and just stopped trying. He says he loves me, our life is pretty good, he works extremely hard as do I, but, it's just not a marriage.

I have recently tried to get him to talk and realise how unhappy I am, I feel ugly, old and now the growing bitterness and resentment towards him is making me feel quite ill at time. He again reassures me that he loves me, sex just isn't important.

I now find myself wondering whether to leave and start again. I do love him and even thinking of leaving fills me with panic, but, can I live the rest of my life without sex? I don't think I can. Am I selfish? If I was a man and left my wife because of lack of sex I would be a twat wouldn't I?

It is a very lonely problem, there is no one in RL that I can talk to, I have stopped going out with a group friends as conversation always turns to how they are sick of their DH groping/pestering/needing sex (lighthearted) I sit with a fixed grin wanting to die or cry or scream at them that they don't know how lucky they are to be wanted. I tried once to speak to a close friend and all she could say was how lucky I was not to be pestered for sex and how she couldn't make a cup of tea without her DH kissing her neck.

Sorry for the ramble I just need to vent, I fell so isolated.

I went through this with my now ex-husband, although we were still affectionate and loved each other - he just admitted that he was not overly interested in sex. He went for counselling and we tried to overcome it, but it was so forced that I ended up feeling very resentful and I couldn't cope with it.

In the end I had multiple affairs and felt like a really horrible person as a result. So I made the decision that I was actually married to my friend, and I wanted to be married to someone who desired me sexually. However, I ummed and ahhed about leaving for years, because the relationship itself was good, but I knew I didn't want to be a cheat forever so it had to end. It took a while but I did get my confidence back courtesy of my new husband (and wine!)

It's worth looking into counselling and medical advice first, but if you feel that you have tried and done your utmost you have to ask yourself the question - is this making you happy or would you be happier elsewhere? Do you want to go down the route of keeping this relationship for 'convenience' whilst you get the missing bit elsewhere? Ultimately I don't think that will fill the gap - so to speak!

Boobz - of course. Although in my case it's a mismatched drive thing, rather than what's been described here - so that seems unlikely right now.

"I have had that conversation asking if he is happy."

Then the next conversation is that, even if he is happy, you're struggling because of the lack of intimacy to the point that you are wondering if the pair of you have any future. It's what I call a 'more in sorrow than in anger' conversation. No, you can't make someone find you desirable if they don't but you can get across to them the consequences of no change.

I wouldn't agree that OP has to try counselling and "do her utmost", surely after 5 years she has suffered enough?I think I would want to get out now while I still had a sex drive to enjoy.

As regards the children, not sure what ages, but I'm sure ultimately they wouldn't want their mother to martyr her happiness for them. They don't need to know details of course, but simply know their parents were mismatched and no-one knows everything that goes on in a marriage except the couple themselves.

Hopefully if they do break up the children will see their mother flourish. Can't help thinking a marriage with zero physical affection sets a terrible example for them tbh.

Last time there was a sexless marriage thread on MN a poster who was the low drive partner just couldn't understand the need/want for sex. her BF couldn't articulate why he felt it was so importnant to have a fulfilling sex life. I think this could be the problem in so many of these threads: lack of communication. For what it's worth it doesn't sound like you (OP) aren't making every effort to get your message across, you partner is just not hearing or understanding your perspective.

It's shit. I don't know how, or if you can create empathy in someone who just can't see things from your point of view.

Conversely, it is very easy to see things from their point of view, because thats how you were before this situation arose. It's the normal happiness people feel in a loving relationship after all. Or it's the normal happiness people feel when they're, through choice, not in a relationship at all.

Sorry though, I'm afraid I have no advice, only sympathy and empathy.

I am currently in this position in my marriage except there is affection. My DH is going to see a therapist. I hope things improve soon. I have given myself six months and then I'm leaving if there is no improvement. He has been depressed I think and stressed about work but after being understanding for over three years I have got to the point where I think my needs in this relationship need some consideration. I agree with respect to confidence, mine was at an all time low but now the anger is building. I know that I don't want to keep living like this.

We have had several conversations but they amount to little. He has ED but trying to work around this has been rubbish although Viagra did work. He won't take it again though. He is reticent to please in other ways bar having a bored looking fumble. It is a complete turn-off when someone is doing this and there is little arousal on their part or it becomes an chore of bringing each other off. I find this so dysfunctional as I have had great sexual relationships in the past.

When we got together he was inexperienced but willing so I thought we would work on it and he would grow in confidence. He has always been a bit reticent to try new positions and frankly has become duller as time has gone by. He claims he has no sex drive,never thinks about sex and that seems to be the case. I just want some joy back in my life though and to feel lusted after. I know other men find me attractive and I have now starting looking at them the same way. I couldn't do the open relationship thing. The funny thing is that I would rather be on my own and be celibate than live in a pretty much celibate marriage.

The thing is, if you go through the stress and upheaval of separation and divorce, child custody wrangles, financial settlements etc., and you find yourself on your own with resentful DC who don't understand why you left their father...what then? What if you don't find another partner? What if random hookups for sex aren't all that great after all? Is there nothing else you'd miss about your husband?

My point is, I think you owe it to yourself, your kids and your husband to explore all other avenues before taking the 'nuclear' option. Have you actually told your husband you're so desperate you're on the verge of leaving? Have you asked him if he'd consider an open marriage (if that's what you'd like)? Have you actually made a counselling appointment and forced him to come along? Have you written him a heartfelt letter saying exactly how you feel?

Quiteso Of course this is something I have thought about, hence my reluctance to leave and of course there is genuine love for him. I can't help but think that if you haven't been in this situation it is hard to explain why it would feel better to be alone than with someone who doesn't want you. It is soul destroying.

He won't go to counselling, I have asked, I have been, but, without him it's pretty useless. He gave himself a six month ultimatum 12 months ago, yet nothing changed and I am still here. He knows how I feel, he says he will try, it stays the same.

When I think about leaving I feel so much guilt at the thought of hurting him, but I have got to a point where my future seems so grim, half a life.

Open marriages are fine if feelings don't creep in.

How easy is that in reality, especially for women to whom sex is often more than just a physical act?

Well if he won't go to counselling then you are not going to move forward and I think it would be perfectly reasonable to call it quits. He just isn't making even a minimal effort is he?

Do you think asking him to leave for a while might help so he becomes aware of what life will be like if he doesn't start putting some effort in? It would give you some space too.

Selfish, for wanting a normal healthy sex life, not at all. He clearly has issues he doesn't seem to want to address. 5 years is a long time to feel rejected and unloved.

Sorry but I'd be either telling him he makes an effort to go to counselling or I'd be ending it, life is too short, you are entitled to be with a man that desires and wants to have sex with you, it's basic.

Sorry but he is hurting you so you're hardly deliberately hurting him, he knows how you feel but yet does nothing about it.

cherrytree63Wed 19-Mar-14 12:08:55

OP...I am in a similar position. In the beginning we were at it constantly, then overnight he lost his libido.
Don't want to clog up your thread with my lifestory but...
After ten years I had a 3 month EA, but at the end of it we had sex, twice.
I ended it, and told my DP, although he had no idea so I could have just kept quiet. But I wanted to be honest to give him the choice, to work on the probldm, or leave.
He has done neither.
My selfish behaviour hurt all three of us, and I can't forgive myself for my behaviour.
Sex outside of the relationship is not a solution IMHO.

cherry what about his selfishness. after TEN YEARS Jesus! its almost like sexual control

Im in a similar situation. My DH hasnt touched me for 18 years. But his heart attack and health problems didnt start until ten years AFTER he stopped sleeping with me. I had an affair which lasted for 4 and a half years after i went on a diet and lost 10 stone. The affair ended in early 2008.
In the last few months ive lost 2 stone. Ive gone from a 22 down to a 16. And there is a young bloke who has shown a big interest. He said to me last week that i always smell nice and that he likes the perfume i wear.
I thought i was imagining it and then i went back into where he works yesterday and he said "Blimey you look great but i must stop looking you up and down." Nothing is going to happen because he is 20 years younger than me.

My DH is 23 yrs older than me and my OM was 17 years older than me so this is bloody new to me. Im flattered but hes way too young.

"Is there nothing else you'd miss about your husband?"

When you're weighing up pros and cons of someone, whether it's at the start, middle or end of a relationship, there are always going to be compromises, trade-offs and so on. But there are some things - 'deal breakers' if you like - that make everything else irrelevant. Things you refuse to tolerate. If, before you'd got married, he'd have told you that it was a no sex, no physical intimacy arrangement you'd never have agreed in the first place.

Hes 21 and im nearly 41

Cogito makes some brilliant points here.

Thanks for all your comments, I think I'm going to put down on paper what I'm feeling. And maybe talk of some time apart to get some clarity on what we both want from the future. I will try and sit down this weekend with him and see where we go from there. Thank you again.

OP I do feel for you, it is an awful position to be in.

however, you need to talk with him again so that he understands the consequences of no change. The trouble is that after 5 years, complacency sets in and you end up being more like friends rather than seeing each other as sexual partners. It is an easy trap to fall into.

You say that your sex life before he rejected you completely was mundane. Is there absolutely no medical reason (thinking of impotence?)that originally put him off? You say he gave himself an ultimatum but nothing happened? It could be psychological reasons rather than physical reasons preventing him from resuming your sex life. It will only get more difficult the longer the issue is left to fester.

I think in any long term relationship, it can be easy to not see your partner in that way (due to many reasons) but if you still love each other and want to stay together, then I think your OH will work with you to sort it out. Hopefully!

What happened here?

I miss Cog!

plasticprimrose I would like to throw another observation into this post.

I am and have been in exactly this position too and truly understand and feel your pain, it has been this way for over twenty five years.

For various reasons I stayed in the marriage unfulfilled but I tried to make the best of things as my husband was a good man and I loved him despite the terrible “elephant in the room” problem.

However.... he is now old and very unwell and needs lots of care and support and I am now find myself his carer.

I consider myself (and I know friends and family would agree) a kind, sympathetic and caring person)

At times I find I resent looking after him always being on hand to care for him in all ways, numerous medical appointments, organising and being solely responsible for all domestic/house care - in fact everything. I never let him know I feel this way and never show it.

I feel dreadful and sad when I think this way although I know I have every reason to. I have to do so much more for him now.. I want my husband (indeed everyone) to be well, happy and looking forward to a better future etc etc but I think “why should I, you never cared about me, how sad I have been, how MY needs were completely and entirely neglected - not even a once a year cuddle”.

Please think how you will feel in twenty/thirty years time and he possibly needs and depends on you to make his life bearable when he has treated you so neglectfully.

Triptrap, I miss Cog too. Had such a clarity of vision, like Anyfucker, but less brutal!

Definitely! Advice from Cog and Anyfucker always spot on

We are in a sexless marriage it's really my fault cause it was never my priority and I've never had much of a sex drive. That was until my husband stopped trying and became uninterested in me and now it kills me. It's been 5years here since our daughter born and it died when she was conceived. I don't know want to do as the years go on I think how will I teach her about a health sex life when I don't have one. I don't want to leave but face facts can it come back after all this time . Sorry I'm not much help but I do sympathise