Why can't I make friends?

[DrumTummiedSnum]

I've given up trying so that won't help, I realise...

Last year I tried so hard to make mum friends, arranging meet ups, invited people to my house (a major effort as it is very small, very untidy and needed a lot of work before I was happy to have anyone round). Dd started nursery and I seemed to click with a mum so I asked if she wanted to meet up, she said yes but was never available. I still try to keep in touch with NCT friends, I've invited people out who I've met at swimming lessons, work etc who have similar aged children. I don't think I come across as desperate (maybe I do) just someone with kids who's up for stuff and do you fancy coming along?

I organised an Xmas party for a parenting group I am in (on facebook, so I said come on let's meet in real life) and nearly had a nervous break down over it I got so worked up about making it a success. DDs birthday was before Xmas so did a party for 20.

Every weekend last year I would extend invitations, generally successful, but nothing ever comes of it and every week I am back to square one. This year I am tired, fed up, lonely but can't be bothered with all the effort, and no one has been in touch.

I'm quite quiet and probably a bit boring as I work full time in an office and my weekends revolve around my DDs (little one only one). But I am interested in other people, always ask about them and their lives. I can hold a conversation on most topics of chit chat - can generally manage to shoot the shit for an hour or so with just about anyone, no rocket science but what I think is generally expected of a play date. I offer to buy teas and coffees. I keep upbeat. I try to be reasonable company, basically.

My dd is extremely sociable, always wanting to make friends, always playful and up for fun. Can be a bit over bearing but again, I think she's good company for another four year old in the park. I'm pretty self aware, I can tell when something isn't working, I don't think I am flogging dead horses.

So why doesn't anything stick? I'd just like a couple of friends who I know I'm not imposing on if I dare to assume I might be included in plans. I'd love there to be someone I can drop in on or vice versa. I'd like a saturday to be more than just meet for an hour or so's play then go home - what about lunch or a pizza? I have a DP but he's a SAHD and has his own stuff he wants to do at weekends rather than more parks etc.

Sorry this is long. It's spring and I want to be out and I want to be in the world with people. I'm crying as I write this, I'm really fed up.

I think it's the weekend thing tbh OP. You sound lovely but for most of the families I know weekends are considered family time. For me in making friendships with other mums, weekend get-togethers would come quite a way into a friendship and nearly always involve the dads too.

There's a mum I've become quite friendly with whose dh pretty much does his own thing at weekends and I remember when we first met she was forever suggesting weekend trips out. It was awkward because my dh works away a lot in the week and tbh they were things we would have done as a family.

How about instigating a book club or a monthly trip to a pub quiz, something like that? Ideally on a week night or at a push a Friday?

OP I think once people get settled down and have a partner and/or children weekends become filled with family stuff. I would say if you want to extend your social circle maybe join a book club or do some volunteering where you will get to meet new people. Friendships take time and have more chance of succeeding if there is a common interest to begin with. There are meet up groups as well (worth a google) where others are in the same boat so I would possibly begin with that.

I think people, especially other mums, are all so busy these days keeping jobs, homes and children together the simple things like a chat and a coffee are hard to make time for.

Oh I don't know. I'm v v busy but I'd make time for a gas once a week.

I've had a similar problem to you. I've lived in the same village for 12 years now and still have no real friends here. I get along with one or two of the other mums at the school, but I often see/hear of their meet-ups and parties, which I never get invited to. I have got on well with one or two mums but they've moved away ( is it me?).

It's very hard to find people that you have stuff in common with. Also, many of them appear to have grown up here so have lots of old friends and family around, so don't feel the need to make new friends.

I think people can be really unpleasant. I've in the past made an effort to help my DCs make local friends, as their school was not local. Some people have been really rude. Eg my DC did an activity several times a week, likewise DC of woman who lived near us. I suggested a playdate. She, I kid you not, instead of answering just laughed in my face. I have to assume that my DC is not worthy of playing with hers. I have ceased bothering now - they have made some nice friends, whereas others I suspect don't think our family is classy enough for them.

I second those suggesting meetup.com but I'd go one step further. Instead of just joining a group why not set one up yourself so it is exactly what you want? You can get other people to help with organising and you can "host" events (anywhere) as often or as seldom as you see fit. You sound like you've got a good bit of get up and go and are friendly and confident and I reckon you'd make a good job of anything you set your mind to. And you have the benefit of advertising so you draw people from a wider pool. I struggled making friends for a while when all my school and uni friends had moved away or settled down but meetup was brilliant just because everyone that goes is actively trying to make friends. You can hopefully see the people you get on with best outside the group. I don't have children but I don't see why it wouldn't work to have a mums-and-kids or a parents-and-kids meetup group. Are you open to making male friends?

Ah Bex I thought you would be. Bean here

Darn it! My DH is a part time SAHD and I have similar issues to you regarding weekends. So unfair...

Look around for other mums who seem to be lonely, not those already swimming in contacts. People with full social calendars already are already at capacity. How about people who recently moved to your area?

I fully sympathise, I feel exactly the same way. Unfortunately, I don't have any answers. A few years back, I felt that a lot of my (and my partner's) large circle of friends had drifted away. When my first DD was born 10 years ago I took the opportunity to make new friends through ante-natal groups and other clubs. Those I seemed to click with I invited round to coffee and/or dinner, we met up as a group of mums and/or individually. At various stages I have joined book groups and film groups and even taken on evening classes as a way of getting to know people. But whenever I felt that we were moving beyond the acquaintance level they seemed to either drift away completely, or hold back and just stay as acquaintances, nothing more.

Over time, the friendship groups have dissolved into smaller splinter groups and I seem to be the one left behind. I still see some of these people, but it's only when I organise things, and I know they get together socially in-between times without inviting me. I don't feel that any of these people actively dislike me, just that they aren't interested enough to include me (ditto my DP). A lot of these people (the older friends as well as the newer groups/individuals) are all friends of mine on Facebook, and it upsets me when I see that they all still seem to be having meetups and parties without including me. I have become a little resentful about it over time, and it worries me that I will become bitter - which isn't a character trait likely to attract friends! There are one or two people I have retained as friends along the way, but I used to have a wider circle of friends and acquaintances and a great social life, and I miss that.

So, unfortunately, I don't have any advice to help you - but I really sympathise and hope that something works out for you soon. You seem lovely.

I sympathise too, OP, and all others who find making friends in the new role of being a mum.

It's funny how since becoming a mum, my "social self" seems to have taken a few blows, never before experienced so badly in my pre-motherhood years.

I have said this before, but I think that becoming a mum makes you a bit socially vulnerable, and unless you meet people who understand that or are exactly on the same wavelength as you, you can feel excluded, isolated, and resentful as well of this new situation.

Before having kids, people seem to react in a different way to me trying to make friends with them. It seems that being a mum restricts your social contacts in so many ways. For example, people with no kids might not want to make an effort with you because you have them. People with younger kids or older kids might find it hard as well to give their time and effort. People who have girls when you have boys might also not consider you a good potential friend, and they might have prejudices in terms of gender. My God, the list is endless!

People are so busy and I realise that to combine distance and things in common is really hard these days.

Keep trying to make friends, OP, don't give up, but just to day you're not alone in finding making friends hard. I never dreamt of me being the one saying this, but as now in my forties, I realise that true friendship is really hard to find.

OP, I think you sound brilliant! And I hope that you can see from the many, many people on this thread who had said that they have felt similar that you're not alone in feeling a bit lonely sometimes.

I have never found it hard to make acquaintances - I've always been surrounded by people - but I have always struggled to make friends who I trust. Part of the problem is that I don't have enough confidence in myself to feel that I'm not imposing my presence on other people. So I tend to get into friendships where I am used, because that plays into my insecurities... and then, of course, I find out that I'm being used and I feel even worse about myself!

So I am trying a new approach. I have decided to spend less time with those of my friends who only call when they want something, and more time with people I actually enjoy being around. And guess what - I've found four or five new friends in the last 5 months who are brilliant! They are far and away the most equal friendships I've ever had. I simply got in touch with people I've met a few times via Facebook and thought were nice, and suggested a trip to the pub to do a quiz. We met up, it went well, and so it's become a fortnightly thing with all kinds of trips and meals, and it's wonderful and lovely. I definitely recommend doing this! Also, classes in something you're interested in are such a great way of meeting people who are similar.