Why can't I make friends?

[DrumTummiedSnum]

I've given up trying so that won't help, I realise...

Last year I tried so hard to make mum friends, arranging meet ups, invited people to my house (a major effort as it is very small, very untidy and needed a lot of work before I was happy to have anyone round). Dd started nursery and I seemed to click with a mum so I asked if she wanted to meet up, she said yes but was never available. I still try to keep in touch with NCT friends, I've invited people out who I've met at swimming lessons, work etc who have similar aged children. I don't think I come across as desperate (maybe I do) just someone with kids who's up for stuff and do you fancy coming along?

I organised an Xmas party for a parenting group I am in (on facebook, so I said come on let's meet in real life) and nearly had a nervous break down over it I got so worked up about making it a success. DDs birthday was before Xmas so did a party for 20.

Every weekend last year I would extend invitations, generally successful, but nothing ever comes of it and every week I am back to square one. This year I am tired, fed up, lonely but can't be bothered with all the effort, and no one has been in touch.

I'm quite quiet and probably a bit boring as I work full time in an office and my weekends revolve around my DDs (little one only one). But I am interested in other people, always ask about them and their lives. I can hold a conversation on most topics of chit chat - can generally manage to shoot the shit for an hour or so with just about anyone, no rocket science but what I think is generally expected of a play date. I offer to buy teas and coffees. I keep upbeat. I try to be reasonable company, basically.

My dd is extremely sociable, always wanting to make friends, always playful and up for fun. Can be a bit over bearing but again, I think she's good company for another four year old in the park. I'm pretty self aware, I can tell when something isn't working, I don't think I am flogging dead horses.

So why doesn't anything stick? I'd just like a couple of friends who I know I'm not imposing on if I dare to assume I might be included in plans. I'd love there to be someone I can drop in on or vice versa. I'd like a saturday to be more than just meet for an hour or so's play then go home - what about lunch or a pizza? I have a DP but he's a SAHD and has his own stuff he wants to do at weekends rather than more parks etc.

Sorry this is long. It's spring and I want to be out and I want to be in the world with people. I'm crying as I write this, I'm really fed up.

Where are you OP? I will be your friend!

I think you have to remember that friendship making is lot based on luck rather than skill; and it sounds to me as if you are doing everything right! My DC are 8 and 11 now. Sometimes I used to home from a playgroup when they were little and swear to myself I'd never go to another one; everyone seemed so cliquey, grew up in the town (where as i moved here from another place), etc, etc. I found that i had to at times force myself to go and i used to end up talking to the foreign mums and foster carers. But you know what - they were really interesting and maybe, not life-long friends but good company at the time. As my kids started school I was always one to arrange a coffee, meal out and from this have honestly made 4/5 friends who are 'keepers'. I think you need to be kind to yourself; your children will value having a mum who makes an effort and learn skills through you. Friends will come - they just haven't found you yet, and there will be someone who feels the same as you!

Once DD starts school you will probably find that there are single mums there who may well have more time for making a new friend and need a friend more than the married mums do, especially at weekends which can feel v long to a single mum of young children. You might even arrange some hols together.

I agree it is down to luck rather than anything you have done or do. My Dh works all week so apart from the odd night out I want to soend time as a family when Im not working at the weekend.

Would your dp be up for lunch or whatever with other families?

I think its hard to make friends when you work fulltime and you only have the weekend, unless you include dhs too or find single mothers/ mums whose husbands work then?

How are evenings fir you?

Where roughly do you live?

Ok I know this will sound hard and you may not be up for this but I've found neighbours (single mums as Dinosaurs suggested) are often a good source. Pop round for tea at first then suggest evening at local pub for example.

I've just made friends with a neighbour who's does mosaics in her spare time - she invited me round to do a project and if I had kids I'm sure I could drag them along maybe being very cheeky here.

I do think sometimes some mums don't want to have to worry about another friend to make and neighbours or doing something connected with an interest (see mosaics) helps. But you have to put yourself out there and get childcare for this interest.

Oh you do sound lovely OP! - read whole thread.

I just though - how about Meet Up groups - they have all sorts of meet ups, possibly with kids if you want to do that. A few friends of mine have met through there and I've been along to a few (just as a hanger on not as part of the Meet Up Group) - found them to be very friendly as they're all in the same boat - wanting to make new friends. Good luck.

It is difficult to make new friends when you're older as most people have friends already and there isn't that need for new ones. I also find it takes a very long time to get to the point where I'm friends with people. e.g. I did a writing class over a whole academic year and it was only towards the end of 9 months of seeing people once a week that I felt I had made friends with them. Little and often is the key I think.

Similarly with playgroups, I moved to a new area and everyone seemed very cliquey. But I think it's just that if you already know people then you gravitate towards those people. Now I've been going every week for 4 months I'm finding it much easier to get chatting to people who have seen me around.

Also, some people are always organising things and some people never bother. That's just how they are.

I honestly don't think it's you!

Thanks again and thank you for your offers of friendship... If only I could take them up but I guarantee none of you are near me, I'm in the Channel Islands

Ah yes, that is nowhere near me

I know what you mean. I am often let down too. Need to keep trying and not give up. Their loss.

What a shame. I am in the Midlands, so not very near you alas. There must be some Mumsnetters from the Channel Islands though. Perhaps you could start a Channel Islands thread or organise a meet-up.

Not sure I have much advice, I found exactly the same thing though, hard to make friends when not available in the week, and for me and my very sociable dd, having people to meet makes life so much better. I do think you should try and go out with your dh a bit more in the evenings to reconnect.

You could go out once a week at least to do an evening class or whatever. DH could do the same once a week.

whippet has some excellent ideas and so does Dinosaurs.

I made some great friends through it must have been a Gumtree (before Meet Up started) advert for a women's group with Girls Night In and outings. After going for a few years then sort of falling-out with main person who started it we ended up with a group of 4 of us (single with 1 boyfriend now) who've done things like gone on short breaks away, day trips, nights out etc. We went through a phase of walking a lot in countryside. They are now a solid group of friends (with some other friends) had them about 5-6 years now and would never have made friends if we hadn't organised things etc.

You can do it!

Oh sorry if it's been broached but do you know/like anyone at work? maybe from your old team?

suggest lunch, maybe invite someone (single?) round for a meal. I'm single and I LOVE stuff like that! You never know who else is feeling lonely and is also friendly and willing to socialise.

ok.
I am going to write a list of ideas off the top of my head after reading your op, and then see if they have been covered

1. You do sound a little OTT? Sorry. A bit full on.
2. Maybe others just dont have so much time to spare as you do
3. So maybe dont want to commit to half a day
4. And may feel that if they did this time, they may well feel obligated to do it another time too?
5. And cant get out of it.

Other more off the wall suggestions.
6.It could be that other people in your area are not really the same as you

1. It could be that you are coming across as not liking them?
2. There is a nasty rumour going around about you?
3. Or someone is working against you?

Will send this, and see what else has been written.

I could have written your post myself. There are some very good points on here that I never thought of, like meeting someone with a similar interest/ hobby - without the children because of those I have managed to meet through DC, after talking about the DC we never had much else in common. They never came back much anyway like in your experience.

What I would say is that all those little pairs or groups who look lucky enough to have friends at the park are probably no closer than you were at the meet ups you arranged and probably don't do it often. As for people already being set up with friends they have had for years, I don't think that is necessarily true. I have a couple of these friends but as they had DC 10 years before me we have long since been on different pages and meet occasionally cos making new friends is proving to be incredibly hard.

It is good to know it's not just us though. Sadly very common.

Well, I dont think I said too much that has already been said. Having now read the thread better, are you trying to be friends with parents that are say a decade younger than you?

ferrar although your points are valid they're not that helpful and a bit unkind to be honest.

I agree with a few points re so much time to spare etc but the other off the wall ones are quite personal for someone you don't know at all.

I'm in the Channel Islands! I bet my house is messier than yours.

Yay! A MN friendship is born?

I'm a donkey. OP will know what I mean and I have a lovely 4 yr old DD too!

I did feel like you, OP when we moved area and dc changed school (and this was when I discovered MN!). I would say it took me 2-3 years to really settle and make 'proper' friends. I found plenty of people would pass the time of the day - but getting to be proper friends takes a long time and can be a very gradual process.

I now have a group of about 5 very close friends at the school - we do the trips/days out with kids, cinema, gym, coffee and nights out (when the dh's can babysit) etc. They're lovely - but I would say 90% of the school mums are either in a clique (and that clique doesn't involve me), or 'dash and run' mums.

Who knows - maybe others think I am in a clique? I don't know. It takes me time to find true friendships with like-minded people. I'm not a 'social butterfly' or a big social 'organiser' - but I have managed to make meaningful, good friends over the years, it just took a bit of time.

Two are working mums, and 3 are sahm. I have to say that weekends are generally thought of as 'family time' - we mainly do things weekday, school holidays and fri nights.

Btw I would love to live in Jersey!