Motivational thread for those struggling with leaving

[Helennn]

Hi all. Wondered for a while if we could have a thread with all the positive things i have read on various threads here from people who have been brave enough to leave a bad relationship. Maybe a brief synopsis of the reason for the breakup, and how you feel about it now? Any mantras that got you through?

I am on the brink of leaving what i consider to be an emotionally abusive marriage of 20 years, but cant seem to jump off the cliff. I read on here people saying they only wish they had left sooner, but is there anything in hindsight that would have helped you make the break sooner ?

Thanks curt x it's so much harder than I thought it would be. Not as simple as packing a bag and leaving and that's it.

I'm not used to being on my own, ie not in a relationship, even though essentially been living like I'm on my own with dh for a while now. But to literally be on your own is scary.

What frightens you about being alone nomo? Being wholly responsible for your DC? Organising finances/budgeting/bills on yoir own? Not having another adult there for company/comfort? Or is it more a 'this is it..this is the end of my marriage' and a fear that you'll remain alone?

Curt, it's all of the above.... Finances, doing everything on my own, and yes, being lonely too... Feeling like a big failure that I've broken up my marriage.

I also worry that I might regret leaving dh, even though at the moment I don't feel anything for him, but what if I leave then realise I do want to be with him? Arrrgghh... I know I'm being stupid for thinking all this. What if this and what if that.... Is this normal?

Think about how your life will be in a year's time if you stay as you are.

Is that how you want your life to be?

Curt can I just say.....child contact should not be in your home! It leaves you open to him being abusive in your space, not leaving, strong arming you again, checking up on your stuff, breaking your stuff, coming round drunk and so on. Abusive men do not get access to our homes. And we have to be the ones who prevent that because they will give reasons why they should come in. They need a wee, their house isn't suitable, you don't trust them with the kids etc.

nomo I'm sure it is very normal, I think I was so detatched by the time I left that I was ready for it, I wasn't scared, I was ready go it alone. I felt dreadful for breaking up my marriage and family, felt like a monster for taking DC away from their daddy..but it couldn't continue as it was.
I left with a clear conscience that I'd done all I could, that I'd given stbxh chance after chance to help me make it better. I couldn't do it anymore. So now I do it alone and it's brilliant. Yes, I miss the nice him, the good times, but I'm not lonely.
something2 stbxh has been visiting in my home because it works best for my DC who are all still very small. He's never come drunk (not really much of a drinker) or refused to leave. My main issue has been him turning up, taking umbridge to some inocuous comment of mine and walking straight out again leaving DC upset.

Orangeandpurple- no I don't want to waste another year living like this, I know what you are saying, I just wish we could have worked it out, I hate that I couldn't be the kind of person he wants me to be and how I was when we first met.

Curt- sometimes I feel like I really haven't tried enough to make it work, but if you don't have any feelings left for that person, then it's difficult to get the motivation to try. This is what he wouldn't understand, that I couldn't MAKE myself love him or sleep with him, he couldn't understand why I couldn't do this as we have been together for so long. He kept pressuring me to hug him, kiss him and sleep with him when he knew I didn't want to. I wish I could have and things would have been ok with us. I know he blames me totally for the marriage breakdown and so do i.

Is it something your DH has done over time that has made you lose that love you felt for him or do you feel it's entirely down to you? I ask because obviously my relationship was emotionally and mentally abusive and much of what my stbxh did contributed to my love and respect diminishing over time. There are people who say I should hate him but the fact is I don't. Although I detatched and was ready to be alone, I actually still care a great deal for him. Which is bizarre to admit.

I wonder, when you're finally in your own home with time to think and headspace, if your DH pursued you at your pace, like someone does when they first meet, would dates and such be something you'd be open to?Is he capable whilst apart of making any changes or would it be futile?
Fwiw I think leaving is the only option left available to you if your feelings have diminished to that extent, and I would never suggest giving your DH hope if there is none, those were just a few things that came to mind that you might consider once you've got your own thinking space.

..also pressuring you to hug him, kiss him and sleep with you when you obviously don't want to was very unhelpful and quite unfair. I would imagine he could feel the marriage failing and thought that if you could regain the intimacy things would improve. I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour because it was grossly unfair to you, but I do believe this is quite common if a bit misguided and I was guilty of it at one point shortly after DD1 was born and I could feel my stbxh's affection diminishing.

So damned glad it's not just me - I opened my own thread on this, but I'm calling Womens Aid tomorrow for some practical advice and know that sooner or later I've got to have the "just go" conversation with him

And it's terrifying ...

Curt- a lot has happened over the past few years, we both just grew apart. I feel as if I moved on with my career and life and left him behind. He was a workaholic and neglected us. By the time he woke up, it was too late. I also met someone else at work and fell in love with him, but that ended a while back. Dh knew about it and agreed that we both needed to work on our marriage. But we just didn't manage it.
He resented me working and doing well and made my life difficult. He hit me once. Too many things said and done.
Loads of other things too, but basically I just can't feel the same about him.

Your suggestion of me being away from him and maybe trying again is something I have suggested to him. But he said it's either stay together or divorce. No middle ground. And if I stay then I have to be a 'proper wife'. Ie do what he wants me to. And I feel like I'm suffocating here tbh. I even left my job which I loved and worked so so hard for, and I bitterly regret it now. I can't help but resent him so much for that.

Puzzledandpissed- your not on your own. It's so sad that your not. But some of the posters on here are so much happier now so kind of gives you hope. I hope you get some good advice xx

nomo Then he is as much to blame for the end of the marriage. You've offered a middle ground and he's refused. He wants it his way or no way. He might change his mind once you're gone but I have to say, from what you said in your last post, your marriage has been dead for a long time.
I think once you've left, you'll be surprised how quickly you start to feel like yourself again. I'll never forget someone telling me I looked alive again because that's how I feel.

I doubt he will change his mind, and maybe it's better that way. I just feel very lonely, and I miss having someone to be close to and share stuff with.

I worry I'll be on my own... I think because I've been out of work for the last few months, my mind has been working overtime. I've lost all my confidence and literally feel as if my brain is stuck in neutral.

I was prescribed anti depressants but only took them for a few days. I wonder if I should start taking them regularly...

Has anyone LTB very recently? How are you finding it?

holly I left my husband about 5/6 weeks ago and no regrets. I love my new home and my space and my freedom..I love working out my own finances and decorating and being me again..I love that everything is calm and my 3 babies are settled and have a happy mummy. We can sing and dance and be as noisy as we like. I love the quiet bits when they're settled and I love waking up in a morning and not wondering what shit stbxh will concoct today. I love it, can you tell?

Curtwild that is so nice to see I'm glad to see you're coping so well... Gives me lots of hope that I will be as brave as you. Xx

It really helped me to read 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway'.