Motivational thread for those struggling with leaving

[Helennn]

Hi all. Wondered for a while if we could have a thread with all the positive things i have read on various threads here from people who have been brave enough to leave a bad relationship. Maybe a brief synopsis of the reason for the breakup, and how you feel about it now? Any mantras that got you through?

I am on the brink of leaving what i consider to be an emotionally abusive marriage of 20 years, but cant seem to jump off the cliff. I read on here people saying they only wish they had left sooner, but is there anything in hindsight that would have helped you make the break sooner ?

[DorothyGherkins]

I had a friend who used to say: Jump, and the parachute will open! And it does, honestly.

I left a controlling emotionally abusive partner after years of being scared of the consequences of leaving. Two years on, I wish I had done it sooner, I lost ten years of my life. I am now extremely happy on my own, not looking for a partner as I am enjoying my freedom so much. I feel I can breathe again now.

[jacky1234]

Hi Helennn

I wish you good luck, stay strong. I'm in the same boat as you, I know leaving is inevitable but I don't know where to start. My husband as not spoke to me since xmas. He is a complete stranger to me. I can honestly say I hate him, but I have 2 fab sons so scared to go as the effect it will have on them. They are starting to see the immature behaviour of their dad. thank god. All the best x

[Holly300]

I am very close to telling my husband. It's not so easy to do, as it's him that needs to leave. I don't know how cooperative he will be either! I have been in touch with woman's aid, who have been really supportive. I'm going to cab today to find out what I'd be entitled to financially and I'm going to get legal advice from a solicitor. Once I am armed with all the information I need, I'll have more confidence to do it. Something has definitely died in me and there's no going back. I can't even bare to look at him anymore. I can't wait to be free!

[jacky1234]

isnt it strange how someone you was so close to can feel like a complete stranger?

[Lovingfreedom]

What I wish is known much earlier is that the children will be fine. Mine are flourishing post-breakup, as are those of friends in similar positions.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I didn't leave him, he left me after many years of increasingly crappy behaviour. But all I wanted to add to the quite moving accounts others have written was that I was astonished how quickly, once I was no longer under his influence, someone I had spent so long thinking of as a soul mate and the love of my life became nothing at all to me. If I'd known how quickly the spell would be broken, I'd probably have called time rather than allowing myself to be dumped. Good luck anyone facing the dilemma

[lemonbabe]

Hi Helennn

Interesting thread. I hesitated for a long, long time. Met my ex at a critical time, clock was ticking and I wanted babies badly.

Relationship was rotten from the word go, although not bad enough for me to make a break.

Had two DC and I can honestly say that from the word go, right up till the end he, and most everything he did, was a major disappointment and source of bitter frustration to me. I could write a book on his lack of emotional intelligence, his selfishness and his coldness - but I won't as it would be banned in most countries due to the expletives I'd be forced to employ.

After having the kids, I felt fulfilled as a mother but bitterly disappointed regarding our relationship. It was all take, hardly any give and it had become clear to me that we were grossly incompatible.

I'd imagine life without him, me pleasing myself and not having to put up with him. I never had the balls to jump that cliff..... he embarked upon a mid-life crisis and walked out in his new, teenage clothes and coloured specs.

It was the worst time of my life, him ditching me like that, BUT, hand on heart, I didn't miss him one bit - ever. I'm not much happier living my life the way I want to without the everyday pressures he'd put on me.

Looking back what made me scared of getting up and walking out was the unknown. Fear also of not coping financially and perhaps, regretting such an monumental step.

[lemonbabe]

er, I meant to say I AM much happier living my life the way I want to...

[Feckthis]

Can I just say this thread has helped me tonight...I stuck to my guns when previously I would have caved. Thankyou

[clare56drive]

My husband had an affair 3 years ago and I found out two weeks after my dear dad died. It was a colleague and he wouldnt move jobs or even units for that matter even though he could see it was literally killing me. Our relationship deteriorated and I only survived through support from my best friend and daughter (we have two sons 14 and16 togther),I was subjected to.emotional abuse as he minimised the affair, and wouldnt give any true details.8 weeks ago because i have adapted by becoming more independent.losing weight and taking an interest in myself at 2 am he snapped and in the darkness began to accuse me of affairs saying i was 'evil.and years ago they would have hung someone like me', Eventually i had no option but to call the police he was controlled and.polite to them but nonethless he was taken to a b and b for the night. I had been petrified . He has since stayed with his parents as i had to change the locks because he took the door keys. He hws been back to see the boys and we have spoken he has no insight feels he was entitledto behave like that as i have questioned him relentlessly over his affair.At first he was desperate to come back but still doesnt want to move jobs or access personal counselling he doesnt feel he needs it despite having hit me x1 and bitten me x1 when I had been 'going on' about his affair.We are going to relate but its hell annd I can sense his bitterness is growing .Im struggling to say and maintain the 'its over'stance for some reason god only knows why.Weve been together for over 20 years and although I dont wake up crying for my dear dad and my lost marriage anymore its still hard to let go?,Im having individual counselling but still so there you are Ive left and yes the daily sense of torment is over its just the last push because if and when it comes to divorce settlement he will pull no punches. Any thoughts more than welcome

[Lweji]

My mantra when I finally left was: I will not live in fear in my own home.

I should have left much earlier than that, though. When it was "only" emotionally abusive. I had thought about it, but, as many people here, actually doing it seemed too much hassle, we had a child, he was a sahp, I had no local support and I knew he'd be even more of a bastard. And we were supposed to work at marriages.
I know better now.

[Chickens123]

Has anyone repeated their old 'mistakes' and fell from one abusive relationship to the next thinking it was normal? I started to feel close and safe with a man from work. He was kind and would always talk to me and want to share little bits about himself with me. He made me feel special. Over the lays few months though he's been quite distant. I do t know why and obviously he has other areas of his life which I have no idea how bad they are. I tried to be supportive but he closed off and was quite rude to me in front of some other women. ( thAt sort of alpha male thing) then he stopped texting phoning etc. recently he put a picture of himself being cool and funny on FB. Loads of adoring replies and I thought what a prick. I wonder if I messed up or had a lucky escape.

[Nomodrama52]

Hi everyone, hope all well?

Just wanted to keep this thread alive, I really need some support as I'm about to sign a lease for a house for me and dcs, but so so worried about how I'll be able to afford it and how I'll find another job...

Dh is being really arsey and keeps telling me to get out of his house.... I lie awake worrying all night and just tying myself in knots over everything...

Hope things are better for others xx

[Lweji]

You will be ok, or at least better.
Get advice from cab or WA.
And legal advice too regarding the house.

[Nomodrama52]

Thanks lweji xx

I have spoken to cab although they were not much help really. I think I will get housing benefit until I get a decent job, but I still have quite abit to pay even after the HB. I've never not worked so really worrying about stretching the savings I've got.

Struggling to find a school for dcs too so that's another big worry.

Re the house, it belongs to FIL. I really can't face having a battle with them over it. They are welcome to it. I just need to get out of this situation, it's awful.

[MadameLeBean]

I read this quote today in stylist:

"I have learned over the years that when one's mind is made up, this diminishes fear" - rosa parks

I left a bad relationship (toxic, v hard to leave, got counselling before I could) in 2009. Am now v happy with new DP.

[CurtWild]

Hi nomo . I also have to top my hb by a good amount and no, we won't be well off financially, but it will all fall into place by and by. I'm six weeks on from you and had the most understanding landlord in the world as hb has only just kicked and I was finally able to pay him his rent. Cue huge sigh of relief.
But. I'm calmer despite knowing we'll struggle for money a bit, my babies are thriving. We've had an awful and emotional few days of crap from stbxh but that's another story.
Just remember, soon you'll be throwing yourself into making your new house a home and it will be yours. No one can tell you to get out of it, in fact if your arsy stbxh comes into it throwing his weight about, you get to tell him to get out, and lock the door behind him. It will be your castle.

[conway]

I am on the edge of the clift too and have been for a while. Have bought up the divorce word a few times now .The first time he said he would come to couple counselling with me. We did that and it helped for a while and we tried to spend more quality time together.
Since then I am still not happy and bought up the divorce word again ,this time he just ignored it as if I hadn't said anything. He has been away on business and I have been happy while he is away,I am not looking forward to him coming back.
I wish he would have an affair that I know about then I feel Iwill have a good excuse to leave him.

[Handywoman]

Nomodrama52 when you are actually living apart from him you will feel immediately better. You will be able to think straight, problem solve. You'll be OK.

[ScottishPies]

my mantra was - something has to change and I have to make that change happen as he never will.

whenever I had doubts I would quote this to myself over and over again - it worked as it was true!

[onionlove]

This thread is so useful to me too I'm still trying to decide if i want to give my DH one more chance, we have two small dcs, this might sound crazy and i know its not a reason to stay but in scared about how much ill miss the children if he has them for access weekends, how do people cope with that?

[Nomodrama52]

Madamlebean- my mind is made up... I think (!), no it's made up, but I'm still scared! It's just taking that initial step outside isn't it and then once I've taken that first step I can carry on walking...

Curtwild- glad to hear that you guys are doing well, you are lucky you had a good landlord, I'm going through an agency and they want to do a million checks including getting references etc.. It's such a hassle and delaying everything, I can't even apply for the HB until I've signed the lease.
Does your stbxh still make things difficult for you? Does he see the dcs often? hope you are coping ok?

'Dh' has perfected the art of making me feel like complete shite and like the worst mother and wife in the world, giving me so much emotional abuse and saying nasty things like I'll rot in hell, I'll suffer for the rest of my life, I'll never be happy, dcs will never forgive me blah blah blah. He can sit there and send me 30/40 texts easily all saying basically the same kind of bs. It's really draining and I wish I could just block his number.
But anyway, yes, I am looking forward to having a place of my own and not dreading hearing the key go in the front door. Xxx

Conway- you don't need him to have had an affair for you have a good reason to leave... I don't know the reasons behind it obv, but if your not happy and things aren't improving then why waste more of your life waiting for an excuse/further reason to leave? Like you, I love it when dh is not at home and it's just me and the dcs, that alone says a lot right?

Handywoman/scottishpies- thank you both xx

Onionlove- I separated from my dh last year for around 6months, he used to have the dcs at the weekend. At first I found it really strange not having them around, kept thinking I'd forgotten something every 5mins, but the feeling of not having the responsibility is quite amazing too! I went out with friends/my sisters to the movies, for dinner etc, had late nights and long lie ins, very late bfast and just lazed around really until they got back. I also spent some of the free time catching up on housework so when the dcs did come back, I could spend the time with them instead of cooking/cleaning. You will be surprised at how much you will look forward to that time to yourself for a change.
If you feel you can make it work with your dh then great, but plz don't stay because you are worried about him having the dcs for a day or two. Xx

[CurtWild]

Hi nomo, I can't believe how good my landlord was, there will definitely be a box of chocolates for him at Christmas. I was extremely lucky.
Stbxh continues to show just what an arse he is, he's barely seen our DC and often stomps out after two minutes, leaving them heartbroken.
I finally broke my vow of civility on sunday after he left 3 devestated babies and flounced out because I attempted a joke. I gave him a very eloquent piece of my mind via text, nothing sweary, just that if he wants to play a part in their lives he needs to step up properly and what an utterly disgusting thing that was to do to them. His response was that unless I call him in future, he won't see our DC. He doesn't seem to understand that it's not my responsibility yo get him to see them.
I'm not calling him. It's all about control and I won't tolerate it anymore.
Best of luck x

[Nomodrama52]

Hey curt, he sounds very immature... I hope he realises his ego is not as important as the dcs. It's a shame that your dcs are missing out on having a father in their lives, but that's not their fault and definitely not yours either. He needs to put issues with you to the side and remain civilised for dcs sake.
My dh is a good dad and I'm sure this will continue once we have left but I know he will refuse to have any contact with me re them and it's going to be quite awkward.

Despite everything that has happened, I still get cold sweats thinking about leaving and knowing this is it, there's no coming back. I sometimes feel like I can't cope with the dcs and would they be better off staying with their dad rather than me... I feel very guilty for even thinking it.

[CurtWild]

Oh nomo, I'm sending you a hug even though I gather it's not the done thing on mn. I know you're feeling low, and for all of us saying oh it's so much better, you'll be fine (which it is and you will be) it still doesn't stop you worrying what if it isn't, what if I'm not.
It's good your DH is a good dad, at least you know hs'll want to play a part in your DC lives. Sadly I can't say the same about my stbxh. I don't doubt he loves them to bits, but he continues to put himself and his life before them, he always has, and even more so now he's single. Yes it's sad, and sadder still is that they're already used to it even though they are still only babies.