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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it my fault?

33 replies

Hup · 16/03/2014 21:18

My DH of 16 years told me before Christmas he had no feelings for me. We muddled through but after Christmas things changed. He said a couple of horrible things to me, which he said was him just telling the truth. I reacted badly to these comments and said some really horrible things back.

One of the things he said to me was that sex the last couple of times was just about sex, and could have been with anyone. He said the Same about Christmas Day - he would have enjoyed it just as much if I hadn't been there. When he said these things I flipped and said some awful things in response - not proud of them BUT was waiting for an operation, mega stressed and hormonal probs and bleeding three out of four weeks.

Thing is he left after row number 4. (Yep only 4). He is now blaming me because he cannot trust me not to hurt him again. We had an amazing 14 years of marriage and a terrible last 18 months - I never got over a miscarriage and tried to hide it, dad was ill, family deaths, work stresses etc. I am at the stage now whee I am questioning - is this all my fault, did I cause it - or did I behave like most people would by fighting back and trying to hurt back???? I need to know if I was wrong - should I have not reacted???

OP posts:

Original poster

Hup · 16/03/2014 21:24

Am just lost

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HappyGirlNow · 16/03/2014 21:25

No you weren't wrong and it's not your fault. He said terrible things to you, designed to hurt you and most likely meant to provoke arguments which could be used as an excuse to go.. He's just trying to lay the blame at your door, please don't fall for it.

BitchPeas · 16/03/2014 21:26

You did not cause this at all.

It sounds like he's blaming you for everything when it's all his own making. The things he's said to you are cruel.

I'm sure someone wiser will be along soon. Hand hold till then x

HappyGirlNow · 16/03/2014 21:27

I've been in a similar situation to you, many years ago now... It was like a death. But you, like I did, will get over this in time and be happy again. I know it doesn't feel like that now but you will. Sorry, I know it's awful x

BillyBanter · 16/03/2014 21:27

I think you could spend a lot of time dissecting the last couple of years of your marriage and none of it would change where your marriage is now.

It sounds like you have had a very hard time with it the last 18 months and that doesn't make married life any easier for either partner. No way for me to know if you were hard to live in in that time or if he was unempathic and unsupportive/annoyed that you were no longer in your usual role.

Whatever happened it seems he's 'checked out' before the arguments and I doubt you could have done much under the circumstances to change that outcome. He was unkind first/too even if your words were hurtful.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope things improve for you soon.

badbaldingballerina123 · 16/03/2014 21:28

It's not your fault no . You've simply reacted to what sounds like abusive hurtful statements. Not many people sit there and take it. I don't.

I do wonder though , if he was baiting you so he could blame you when he left. Do you think there is any possibility of someone else being involved ?

tribpot · 16/03/2014 21:29

It doesn't sound like he's exactly wracked with guilt about the things he said, does it? He told you he didn't love you, sex with you was meaningless and he could take it or leave it whether you spent Christmas with him.

You then responded with some hurtful things and somehow this is entirely your fault?

Sounds more like you're being played. Does he have form for trying to turn things back on you to put you on the defensive?

The experience of MN is likely to suggest that he's creating a diversion to avoid you finding out he has an OW. Is that possible?

BillyBanter · 16/03/2014 21:30

I'd also agree that your words were a useful get out when he'd already decided he wanted out.

missmuffettxx · 16/03/2014 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LavenderGreen14 · 16/03/2014 21:32

I think he decided a while ago to leave and has been paving the way by treating you like utter crap, so sorry. I would stake money on an OW.

badbaldingballerina123 · 16/03/2014 21:40

Where is he staying now Op ?

Unfortunately statements such as not loving you any more often signal that there's an interest in someone else . It's typical gas lighting and if there is someone else you can expect more blame shifting and emotional abuse.

Before you beat yourself up any further , check there's no one else involved.

missmuffettxx · 16/03/2014 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Hup · 16/03/2014 22:08

There is no one else. I do know that for sure. This is not like him at all, kindest most considerate man you have ever met until the last three months. He has been at a friends house for two weeks now. Comes to see DS twice a week. He just can't seem to see my comments as reactionary ... It is as if he has a wall of fog where I am concerned which stops him from seeing the good.

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BillyBanter · 16/03/2014 22:14

He doesn't want to see the good because he wants to feel justified in his own head for leaving. He's not surrounded by fog. He's creating the fog.

The timeline:

he told you he didn't care for you before christmas

after christmas he told you again and you retaliated with some insults of your own.

more arguments ensued

he left blaming you

NOT the timeline:

You said insulting things to him

He was deeply hurt

He decided he was so hurt he had to leave

missmuffettxx · 16/03/2014 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

badbaldingballerina123 · 16/03/2014 22:22

Sorry Op , but you wouldn't be the first wife whose wonderful kind husband moves out then discovers another woman. Nothing causes a change of character like an interest in someone new.

Even if you have checked phone bills and emails you still cannot rule it out. For your own sake I would consider the possibility. It's funny you mention the wall of fog , I suspect that will ring alarm bells for other posters.

Original poster

Hup · 16/03/2014 22:28

There is no one else. That is the one thing I am certain of. That is not just me saying and hoping - I do actually know. I am sure that in some point in the future he will meet someone.

My head just needed to know if I was right to feel pissed off he is blaming me. He was really stressed at work all year and with my problems we just forgot to be a couple, if that makes sense. We existed. One of us was going to pop. Just happened to be him. I hope that we have reached rock bottom and can rebuild, but who knows.

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Dirtybadger · 16/03/2014 22:31

First thought was OW. Not necessarily but that was my first thought. Maybe not physically. Maybe just a new crush or infatuation. But possibly someone who he has in his own mind at least, moved closer to at the expense of your relationship.

Besides this (and assuming I'm wrong which may be)- no. Not your fault. If someone said something horrible to me, I might be minded to say something not so nice back. What did he expect, a hug? What did you say that was so awful, if you don't mind? Can't think of many things worse than your dh/dw telling you they've just been wanking into you because they don't actually love you anymore/want you anymore. Nice.

LavenderGreen14 · 16/03/2014 22:31

Yup I swore the same - until I discovered the OW....

Original poster

Hup · 16/03/2014 22:42

I told him lots of things like people would think him a bastard, his own life was screwed up and he was a general pile of shite. I screamed and shouted a lot, said I would take DS away to live abroad ( had always been a shared dream to move away). To be fair I was a bitch, but would never had said these things if not hurt first.

In my defence have just been diagnosed with hormonal imbalance and anaemia following miscarriage and subsequent operation ....

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BillyBanter · 16/03/2014 22:42

Can we forget about speculating about the OW for now? It's an irrelevant distraction for now.

Hup. He's told you he doesn't care for you any more and he has walked out of the marriage. There is no suggestion that you've mentioned that he is coming back.

Who knows. Maybe one day he will want to and maybe you will take him but for now you need to act on the basis that he's gone and it's over.

You need to make plans for you and your children on that basis. Have you agreed provisional finances, and contact arrangements, and how you will go forward?

Original poster

Hup · 16/03/2014 23:00

He says he needs time to see if he feels able to come back.

I am getting on with life - two holidays for me and DS planned, filling our days and being busy. DS is my priority. If and when DH decides he wants to come back there will be a discussion - I would love him to, seriously he has been a fantastic husband, brilliant friend and amazing dad. I have only been unhappy with him since he told me he had no feelings ( and that he didn't even like himself), before that I loved him but was preoccupied and didn't really spot the signs. He is just not the person he once was.

Financially keeping as was at the moment, but have been to a solicitor - he has agreed to support me and DS staying in the house by paying mortgage etc. as long as DS is in full time education ( obviously will firm that up legally). I work too, so that side is fine. DS only 10, so no need to think about that for at least 8 years!

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IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 16/03/2014 23:10

It isn't your fault, of course you reacted. If his feelings have changed that is not your fault

But I don't think you can totally ignore the things you said to him. Yes, he 'started it' but there are things that are said in the heat of the moment and things that cross the line

I would find it very difficult to forgive my DH if he threatened to take my dc away, however I'd also find it very hard to forgive if he told me that he didnt care if I was with him at christmas

It's so easy to get caught in a cycle of blame, it sounds as though he is not willing to take responsibility for his part in all this and that is totally unfair to you

Try and get some distance from him and definitely get some legal advice. People are often full of good intentions and promises at the beginning of a split (such as offering to pay the mortgage indefinitely) but as time goes on this can change drastically especially as they start to move on

badbaldingballerina123 · 16/03/2014 23:16

It sounds like you've had a rotten time and instead of supporting you he's badly let you down.

It's not on that he gets to navel gaze about if and when he might come back. I suggest you give it a set period of time then start divorce proceedings. An on going open door policy won't make him rush back , where as the door slamming just might.

Original poster

Hup · 17/03/2014 14:07

Thanks bald. I had an awful morning with DS screaming and crying and not wanting me to leave. He has taken this really really badly

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