Is it my fault?

[Hup]

My DH of 16 years told me before Christmas he had no feelings for me. We muddled through but after Christmas things changed. He said a couple of horrible things to me, which he said was him just telling the truth. I reacted badly to these comments and said some really horrible things back.

One of the things he said to me was that sex the last couple of times was just about sex, and could have been with anyone. He said the Same about Christmas Day - he would have enjoyed it just as much if I hadn't been there. When he said these things I flipped and said some awful things in response - not proud of them BUT was waiting for an operation, mega stressed and hormonal probs and bleeding three out of four weeks.

Thing is he left after row number 4. (Yep only 4). He is now blaming me because he cannot trust me not to hurt him again. We had an amazing 14 years of marriage and a terrible last 18 months - I never got over a miscarriage and tried to hide it, dad was ill, family deaths, work stresses etc. I am at the stage now whee I am questioning - is this all my fault, did I cause it - or did I behave like most people would by fighting back and trying to hurt back???? I need to know if I was wrong - should I have not reacted???

Sorry but this all is coming down to him and I know you don't believe it but I'd bet there's someone else on the sidelines, it could all be online, that's the way with most folk these days.

He's treated YOU really badly, his behaviour is the normal script for someone wanting out of a relationship and the nastiness would also signify he's wanting to get jiggy elsewhere.

I'm sorry but that's what I think. What exactly did you do to hurt him, he told you he had no feelings for you and said some nasty stuff to you, you retaliated like any other sane person, so what exactly have you done to make him piss off, sounds really ridiculous from his point of view and sorry but puts me back to the points I've made above.

Sometimes things are said or done that can't be come back from. They can be apologised for, forgiven and learned from, but the lessons learned need to be applied to a new relationship because the old one was broken beyond repair during the course of that lesson.

I would look to your own behaviour and learn from it, but I don't think that your marriage breaking down is your fault. Certainly not alone, anyway.

I think everything hinges on why your H decided before Christmas - before you said anything hurtful back to him - that he wanted to leave the relationship.

I can accept that you might have been hellish to live with in the run up to that. But barring actual abuse, most people would tolerate a bit more before calling time on a 14-year marriage with children. Especially given that it a health issue and external factors such as your family illness and death were at the root of the problem, rather than it just being your behaviour. I think there is more to this than meets the eye, although it may be as simple a case that as far as your H is concerned things have been wrong for a lot longer than you think.

If you really want to try to fix things, you'll need to ask him to talk to you about it and really explore this. It won't be an easy conversation and may result in another row. He may also choose not to share his reasons with you.

His reasons were that he felt excluded and pushed out as I was there for everybody else and that we stopped communicating, which we did. No abuse, no affairs - just a crap time and forgetting to love each other properly.

Nothing really major, just life and his words were "I have no feelings for you, I don't even like myself"

He might well have felt that way . Don't we all at some time or other? When your spouse is dealing with terrible things you step up , you don't pout because your not getting attention and you don't say hurtful things to them.

It doesn't sound like he had a conversation with you about how he was feeling , and considering that fact , I think it's more likely it's a justification rather than a explanation.

You've had a miscarriage , a bereavement and your husband has treated
You terribly. You'd have got more kindness from strangers. Unfortunately some people react to this by becoming involved with someone else. Ask me how I know.

I'm sorry , but I would really consider a third party. It's got all the markers for it. Major life crisis , illness , a husband who has picked fault with you , but who has also done nothing to resolve it , and has now moved out and doesn't know if he wants to come back.

Nobody ever expects it and they'll deny it till they're blue in the face. People tend to work on a cost loss basis. You've seen it enough on here , people are unhappy but they won't leave because of upset kids and financial issues. The disadvantages of leaving often outweigh any positives so they stay put .

Your husband has risked his marriage , upset his son , left his home ect. That's a lot of loss and negatives for him. There's got to be , in his eyes at least , something positive in it for him to have gambled his marriage.

The fact he needs time to see if he wants to come back speaks volumes. He's not willing to end the marriage just yet and wants to keep his options open . Yet what's he doing about fixing the marriage? Nothing.

I suspect Op that if you do some basic detective work the reason for this will become obvious.

I think everything just got too much. He comes from a broken home and has many hang ups left over from thar. I am not justifying what he did but I can see how we let it get to that, both so wrapped up in our own troubles we forgot to help each other.

He tells me he needs space to see if he can return ....

His biggest regret is not talking to me earlier - leaving it until it was saying " I think this is over" rather than "I am struggling with this". I stick by my claim there is nobody else, in some ways that would be easier than him just walking out because I said a few nasty words in anger at what was said to me.

It is a mess. DS is really really sad, DH is really really sad, families are really really sad ....

What's to stop him talking to you now ?

Op I really really hope you are right about there not being an ow , his comment about needing space makes me cringe.

We can't talk at the moment. Too raw. I just hope in time he will realise that everything he ever wanted is right here. I sound like a right pushover - I am not but I truly believe this is a blip and we both handled it badly and made it worse.

I feel for you Op , this sort of limbo isn't nice and I think it's quite cruel of him really .

It also sounds like he's in control , he's going to consider whether he wants to come back or not. In your shoes I would consider starting divorce proceedings , you can stop them at any time. You don't want to spend x amount of time waiting for him to decide that it's better living with you than his friend.

I personally don't believe his reasons for leaving , they are not valid and he's manipulated you into reacting badly, which makes you look the bad guy. Four rows aren't enough to get someone to the stage where they're leaving.

Either there's someone else , which you don't think there is , or he had decided a while ago the marriage was over and has ended it in this passive aggressive way instead of being straight. Both are cowardly ways to behave.

I would start divorce proceedings. He's doing nothing to fix your marriage and seems happy enough to keep you in this limbo , with the odd comment suggesting he might come back at some point. He should be begging for your forgiveness for the way he's treated you. Who does he think he is ?

I would be very very angry in your shoes . Even if he did come back you've got an awful lot to forgive him for. Get glammed up , get yourself out , and leave him to navel gaze at his friends house.

I think once you've took charge , he might just realise what he stands to lose.