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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH still not interested in sex but I'm getting desperate... sorry if TMI

31 replies

yummyhunny · 14/08/2006 23:15

When we 1st met we were at it all the time, as the relationship went on his sex drive waned and mine didn't, but if I was lucky I'd get it every 6 weeks or so, as long as I instigated it (sometimes more, but this was the standard pattern). During pg we had sex 2ce - once when we didn't realise I was pg and 1ce to try to bring labour on when I was 2 weeks late - and now dd1 is 13 weeks old and I STILL haven't got any, I'm getting desperate but dh still not interested.

I'm already feeling less than sexy with my jelly-belly and stretch marks, but not having anything to look forward to is not helping!

We still snog + cuddle and he keeps telling me I'm sexy, but how can I believe it when he's always making excuses??

To top it all off, I've now accidentally found A LOT of porn on his mobile !.

I've tried making it clear that I'm up for it again, I'm taking the pill again (and making sure he knows), I've stocked up on condoms, I've tried running baths for when he comes home from work and have organised a romantic dinner to be ready for when he comes out and tried to give him massages. It's very hard to get him to take the bath and he now refuses point blank to let me massage him.

I know part of the problem is that I don't feel like I look very sexy at the moment, but I am trying to not think about that at the moment.

What do I do? I don't want to confront him about it as we had similar problem a few years ago and he said the pressure made it worse and he felt even less like having sex. The only reason things got better for a while was that we were trying for a bb (bb is NOT to fix relationship - EVERY other area is fab, we love each other, still snog, still talk and are best friends, we just don't seem to have sex any more).

Am really at a loss and don't know what I can do (short of having Serious surgery ) to get my DH interested in me again in that way.

Please help - has anyone had similar experiences or can anyone give advice??

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HRHQueenOfQuotes · 14/08/2006 23:17

no advice about the wider picture - but 13 weeks since you gave birth - blimey most women can't even think about having sex at that time!

Quootiepie · 14/08/2006 23:20

I saw a programme about this.... is he addicted to porn? He might get caught up in the smut of it, and its so extreme etc. that "normal sex" might seem mundane? Maybe try councilling? (sorry I cant spell!)

yummyhunny · 14/08/2006 23:21

bare in mind I didn't get any while pg either - and very rarely before. I'm not really counting the time to bring on labour as it was more funny than anything else - certainly didn't feel sexy!!
has pretty much been a year now - omg, hadn't thought of it like that, feel even worse now!

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HRHQueenOfQuotes · 14/08/2006 23:23

ym - I know lots of women who don't have sex while pg either.........

yummyhunny · 14/08/2006 23:23

I don't think he's addicted to it - have surrepticiously checked the PC tonight and can't find anything there, and there's no porn DVDs or mags in the house. Then again, who knows!

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yummyhunny · 14/08/2006 23:25

should maybe also mention ended up having to have c-section, so didn't have the usual sensitivities after birth. However, that does negatively contribute to feeling less sexy, as have the saggy belly and scar

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Quootiepie · 14/08/2006 23:28

1st time after a while is the hardest... when you do it, is he... happy/open/into it, you know?

hushnow · 14/08/2006 23:28

yummyhunny,

there are soooo many threads like this. My dh is just the same. It really gets you down after a while. Talk to him, that's what I'm trying just now with mine. We don't have long conversations about it just little mentions here and there. I think he is beginning to usderstand how I feel and I hope he'll come round again soon.

(changed my name for this one sorry

stitch · 14/08/2006 23:32

sorry no advice , but if you cuddle and stuff, then you are very very lucky. imo.

yummyhunny · 14/08/2006 23:33

no probs hushnow - so did I!

Quootiepie - it's been so long ..... but usually he seems really into it and we do have good sex. He always says "why don't we do this more often?", which kind of annoys me!

I know that part of the problem is that we've both gained weight since we met and he doesn't feel very sexy either. I've tried showing him that he really is still a very sexy man, and does still get chatted up, but more importantly, that I still find him exrtemely sexy.

Ultimately I just don't want to get to the point that we both stop trying and have a sexless marriage - I don't think I could cope!

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yummyhunny · 14/08/2006 23:36

thanks stitch, as I said in 1st post, every other aspect of the relationship is fab, I just want to get my sex life back

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Quootiepie · 14/08/2006 23:37

i think you need to see a sex therapist person... theres obviously barriers and DH finds it hard to maybe feel sexy etc., hence the porn? Have you gone all out to make him feel sexy? Just say your gagging for it and rip his trousers off? then its in the moment, and he might not have time to think and get shy etc.

TambaTheDragonSlayer · 14/08/2006 23:37

I couldnt go without sex!

Do you think there could be a medical reason behind it?

It must be very frustrating for you.

yummyhunny · 14/08/2006 23:39

good idea re ripping his trousers off, will give it a try!

Can you give me some hints on how to make him feel sexy? The stuff I'm trying obviously isn't working, so any new ideas would be good

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Quootiepie · 14/08/2006 23:40

my word... this is funny because im super-frigid!

Quootiepie · 14/08/2006 23:42

errr... tie him up, say you cant resist him... make all the right noises... just make him feel THE most sexy person... all the "oooh, its big" stuff you get the idea...

jampots · 14/08/2006 23:42

yummyhunny - my sister's dh is pretty into porn but has a low sex drive which makes her extremely cross. Possibly need to see a sex therapist together

fattiemumma · 14/08/2006 23:48

OK. maybe he hasn't picked up on your signals and is trying to be repsectfull of the fact you have just had a baby.

if your certain he knows but just isn't up[ for it try coaxing him into it without him knowing.

why not wake up early, and wake him u-p with a BJ or HJ? he will definatly know your interested that way and he will already be in the mood when he wakes.

alternativly.....im an Ann Summers rep now so feel free to CAT me

yummyhunny · 15/08/2006 00:08

thanks for all your comments, will certainly keep trying and hope that he's just trying to give me time to recover.

Please keep posting ideas though!!

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LieselVonTrapp · 15/08/2006 00:17

I never had sex when pg either - instigated by DH because he didnt like the thought of it with a pregnant woman!! And 12 weeks after childbirth I dont think I would have been up to it. I had a section also. It must have been a good few months after cause he didnt want to cause me any injury as my scar was very apparent for a while afterwards.

yummyhunny · 15/08/2006 00:20

maybe I am being a bit premature... just can't seem to help it

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melrose · 16/08/2006 11:49

No advice here, but I am in exactly the same situation. We have never been a 3 times a night kind of couple but our sex life has dwindled since i got pga nd i am now lucky if we do it once a month - only difference is my DS is 2!!! Only thing we ever argue about, resty of relationship is fab

but...we both want another baby so in about 2 weeks time need to start having sex, a lot! so any advice greatly welcomed here too!!

Norah · 16/08/2006 11:57

In my experience men see you differently after you have a baby - you are suddenly someone's mummy - and not their "babe" anymore.

Certainly my dh, and many of my friend's dh's were very wary about getting back onboard as it were - and they don't want to hurt you either.

I would talk to him about it. He might think he is being kind by leaving you alone !

HappyDaddy · 16/08/2006 12:44

I was well up for it, before during and after DW's pregnancy. Unfortunately, she was ill most of the time, poor thing.

We had some very soon after but I was nervous of hurting her. Once that was out of the way it was back to normal.

yummyhunny · 16/08/2006 13:24

thanks v much for all your comments - especially HappyDaddy - it's great to have a mans perspective.

All I will say is that things are looking up

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