DH still not interested in sex but I'm getting desperate... sorry if TMI

[yummyhunny]

When we 1st met we were at it all the time, as the relationship went on his sex drive waned and mine didn't, but if I was lucky I'd get it every 6 weeks or so, as long as I instigated it (sometimes more, but this was the standard pattern). During pg we had sex 2ce - once when we didn't realise I was pg and 1ce to try to bring labour on when I was 2 weeks late - and now dd1 is 13 weeks old and I STILL haven't got any, I'm getting desperate but dh still not interested.

I'm already feeling less than sexy with my jelly-belly and stretch marks, but not having anything to look forward to is not helping!

We still snog + cuddle and he keeps telling me I'm sexy, but how can I believe it when he's always making excuses??

To top it all off, I've now accidentally found A LOT of porn on his mobile !.

I've tried making it clear that I'm up for it again, I'm taking the pill again (and making sure he knows), I've stocked up on condoms, I've tried running baths for when he comes home from work and have organised a romantic dinner to be ready for when he comes out and tried to give him massages. It's very hard to get him to take the bath and he now refuses point blank to let me massage him.

I know part of the problem is that I don't feel like I look very sexy at the moment, but I am trying to not think about that at the moment.

What do I do? I don't want to confront him about it as we had similar problem a few years ago and he said the pressure made it worse and he felt even less like having sex. The only reason things got better for a while was that we were trying for a bb (bb is NOT to fix relationship - EVERY other area is fab, we love each other, still snog, still talk and are best friends, we just don't seem to have sex any more).

Am really at a loss and don't know what I can do (short of having Serious surgery ) to get my DH interested in me again in that way.

Please help - has anyone had similar experiences or can anyone give advice??

I really wouldn't focus on the contents of DH's mobile - it's as likely it's seen as fun/stupid stuff to share with mates or at work for a laugh. Certainly is where I am. Don't own a mobile myself, but cannot see that such images the size of a postage stamp are really going to fuel/satisfy such a need. Not something DH is going to be too comfortable discussing either I wouldn't have thought! If DH was really into porn there would be a lot more signs around, DVDs in blank cases at the back of the TV, magazines in brief cases, getting to bed a long time after you having spent time on the PC, etc.

From a male perspective, I wonder if DH is "looking after you" not wanting to drive the agenda and waiting for you to reintroduce a sex life? Without deliberately deciding it, I think this is how I behaved after both our children. Don't you almost have to learn sex again, what is allowed (not painful, desensitised, thought undignified, desired, required), and while it can be 'fun' it can also be two steps forward one step back occaisionally.

A sex life is habit too. In mid-20s it might be from the kitchen worktop, via the stairs to the bedroom and back again, but once life crowds in the habit might well wane. Can you really be bothered, knowing that life starts again with a rush at 6am?! Hmm. Sleep! Getting back into the habit of actual sex (rather than closeness, etc.) can take working at and you mention that it wasn't every other night b4 PG. What a great point you are at to start getting back into the habit though and it will be tremendously reassuring for Dh to know how desired he is, and wanted. I wonder if you would show him this thread though?

Q - MTR??

OK. LOve? Cuddles and kisses? We women have to
carry, deliver, look agter the children/ We cannot go to the gym again, wuickly.

Now, do we deserve support? Yes.

thanks sdjones2 - lots of v good info there. DH has been getting to bed much later than me for ages but think this is partly to do with me going to bed earlier as knackered and partly this.

After further investigation found lots of porn sites as favourites on the PC and have found a sex line number on his phone. In call history he called as recently as last week.

I still haven't spoken to him about it as such, although after stupid argument and me sort of bringing up that we never have sex any more and does he still find me sexy etc.... we did have (v good) sex the other night. Since then we've snogged quite a lot and he's obviously still pretty interested in me. As the interest has been pretty constant since we DID have sex, I asked him how he coped while I was pg etc, and he just said "I wanked a lot!".

I'm beginning to think (or maybe just hope) that it's more been a matter that he didn't want to hurt me or the baby so has used porn to satisfy himself in the meantime, and that I'm just over-reacting.

Hopefully there won't be much more need for that now....

Thanks again for all your comments and thoughts. I really hope there is nothing too much deeper going on.

ps - Forestfern, I don't understand your message, can you de-code it for me please? [blush

I would certainly not undermine or dismiss your feeling by suggesting you are over-reacting. Nor am I seeking to defend pornographym but the dislocation and disociation of images from reality is very male. After all, as Janet Street-Porter says, it's naked ladies and technology - what a combination!

Think about it. It is a strange man that, left on his own in a room with a tea cosy, wouldn't put it on his head. I think it is a bit like that with the PC.

Were I covering my tracks I might clear the PC's history, temporary internet files, cache, and certainly not store websites on my favourites list. Your DH is hardly being subvertive!

I cannot imagine the thrill of the mobile and sex chat lines, just not me, but I would also be thinking what does that costs per minute! I would think though that it provides something you cannot, the filthy, subversive, overtly sexual and thrilling. Everything you cannot imaine your wife and new mother to be. Very Freudian, and if memory serves part of a thesis he forwarded in the 1930's.

Strikes me, DH is being fairly honest, if economical with the truth. I imagine the trick is breaking a habit as much as anything. Relationship in free fall, doubt it. DH unable to relate to you as lover/mother, more than likely.

The mobile telephone is a can of worms. Do you normally review his calls and check up? He is caught and so will deny (any man would) and it may well result in an argument, but address the cause not the symptom. I still wonder if revealing this thread might be an easy way to broach the topic. By writing here, are you dealing with the problems in a similarly isolated way from DH as he is from you? Yours is emotional his, well, practical.

Best of luck bridging the gap. Just remember we are from Mars . . .

thanks again sdjones. I think you're right and that it's more a matter of bridging a gap that I have been unable to recently. I've never checked his phone before as I have had total trust (and still do). I am the most annoyed at the calls but am not sure why. If there's something he wants that I have been unable to give recently, then I would of course rather he spoke to me about it, however, if he doesn't see it as a permanent or important thing, then is there really any point?

The main point is that I now feel much more reassured and am going to work on re-creating our sex life, and making sure that this is as unaffected by the new arrival as possible!

Thanks again for all your help, it's been great to have a man's perspective and reassurance.