I can't leave him over this

[FeelingSick1]

Not sure what to do as I've got myself into a bad situation here. Basically I found out DH has been looking at porn again- went to order a takeaway on his request using his phone and a porn site came up in the recent websites when I started typing in the address.

I know lots of people are ok with porn but I'm really not. Have said so to DH many times and he has promised to stop looking many times. We split up briefly when I found out he was paying for an expensive porn site but we gave it another chance when he promised to give up.

Stupid FeelingSick1 when we got back together and things were going well wanted to have a baby. Then found him looking at porn in the kitchen while I was sleeping with exhaustion after some nasty morning sickness. Obviously if he wasn't going to give up when I was carrying his child, why would he when the baby arrived? I don't know why I thought he would treasure me more having seen me in a serious life- threatening condition during childbirth. Or maybe consider my low confidence due to how much my body has changed being only 4 months post partum.

Anyway it's my stupid fault for marrying an unkind man and then having a baby with him. Should have realised people never change. I used to feel sick and miserable every time I found out he was going behind my back but now I feel sick that I have brought a baby into an unhappy relationship. My parents divorced when I was young and after that my father was absent and I don't want the same for her.

Yes I agree that this is not an issue of porn being right or wrong it is about him making a verbal contract that he wont continue watching it and then breaking that.
I think you have a right to feel let down. You can't make yourself comfortable with something you're not, how can you ever relax in this situation? You told him that you don't like it and he agreed not to so why is he going back on it (breaking his contract with you and what it means if he wants to be with you)?
I don't like my dp talking with his ex for my own reasons because she still thinks she can have him and is a bit mental he has agreed to this and I gave him the option to disagree and lose me but he chose me. In my mind this is the same. It's either you or porn he has to choose.
Good luck to you

Although I agree with your ultimate point, this "The fact is, OPs DP loves her, desires her and watches porn" is hardly fact! He says he loves and desires her when she asks but it is hardly confirmed by his behaviour towards her.

I don't think any of us on here can say for certain whether or not the OP's DP loves her or not! Trying to see it from his perspective, I doubt he would think of watching porn as being disrespectful to the OP. I think (and this is just what I think, I'm not claiming to know) he keeps it secret because he knows it upsets her, but he wants to keep doing it, so he thinks "what she doesn't know can't hurt her", and as someone who doesn't have a problem with it , he doesn't see what a big deal it is for her.

Oh come off it. He knows that it's disrespectful to watch porn because she's told him that she doesn't like it and he agreed not to. He lied. He withholds sex and then denies that he does.

None of these are the actions of a loving partner ffs and pretending that they are can only add to the OP's confusion.

I think your assessment of his feelings about it is probably accurate GrumpyOldNag - he thinks I am unreasonable to ask him to stop when 'everyone does it' and doesn't see it as a big deal. Sounds trivial but it's almost akin to me saying 'can you put your clothes in the laundry bin' and him not doing it because it slips his mind and it isn't a big deal anyway. Only for me, the porn thing is a big deal- every time I find something, I feel like I have been punched in the stomach, hard.

Although I have checked up on him in the past and looked at his phone etc, which I'm not proud of, the vast majority of times I am just going about my normal business e.g. borrowing his phone to use the internet if mine is out of battery, using our shared laptop etc when something like this hits me in the face.

Thanks everyone for trying to help me when this is largely a situation of my own making- I chose to let him keep duping me and I chose to have a baby and now I have to deal with the mess I have made.

OP, he thinks I am unreasonable to ask him to stop when 'everyone does it' and doesn't see it as a big dea

If he believes that, then why lie to you? Why not say, "this is what I'm ok with doing and what I'm going to do"?

Not everyone does it, not everyone thinks it's acceptable.

Oh I agree Logg1e - I don't agree with his rationale for continuing to do it, but I believe those are the thoughts going through his head.

tbh, using the phrase "everyone does it" is juvinile. It is something my 6 year old boys used to say about stuff.
He needs to know by now that that is not a grown up thing to say.

He doesnt see it as a big deal is more of a problem.
He presumably knows that it is a big deal for you, and should therefore try and stop.

Has he actually tried to stop?
Perhaps he wants to but doesnt know how?

When he says 'everyone does it' it is a cowardly way of saying 'my view on this is superior and you are unreasonable' it really is irrelevant to the problem even if it were true that everyone does it. The problem's not the porn or your strong feelings about it, the problem is that he doesn't actively respect you and he treats you as though you are inferior to him on this issue.

He doesn't need to agree with your strong feelings on it, just decide whether he can/wants to respect them (he clearly doesn't) and then be honest with you (he clearly hasn't been). It's a toxic dynamic, it would cause me to examine the equality of the rest of the relationship and also decide how much of a dealbreaker this one issue is.

For me personally I think I would leave over it. I can't be with someone who supports the sex industry and objectifies women, I can't be with someone who disrespects my boundaries.

I mean the problem's not the porn in the sense that it isn't actually causing this behaviour I don't think, I think the man is interacting with the porn. You obviously have a problem with the porn itself!

I do agree with pinkroses sentiments at the very beginning of post, but I do however believe this is very much about deception as he is lying and going behind her back, which is the main problem.

Maybe op you should sit down and talk again and get the true picture of whether he can realistically give up these sites. And if he can't, then decide if you can deal with it or say goodbye.

Lies feed distrust and disloyalty. Nobody can disagree with that.
Everybody in relationships will have expectations of what is acceptable and what isn't. People change and relationships change and often new unacceptable behaviours will develop. Both with men and women.

I have no problem with porn. Well what i mean is I am open to it. I does not mean my dp does not love me and I does not mean he wishes he was having sex with these women. I do believe that men can decompartmentalise between making love with their wife/partner and letting off steam. I see it as this. Reason being is that I have had open converstations with men about it. All feel same. It's a turn on and enjoy it. Now we could rationalise here. If my dp said to it offends me when you discuss xyz with your girly friends and not with me I would simply say ok darling I see your point. But inevitably with my girlies I can let off steam about things. It's a release. So I'm not going to stop. I'm literally not going to tell him what was exactly discussed.
Am I lying and breaking trust? No there are things in life that the opposite sex will never understand and these are two examples.
I have met men on dates who have admitted then they are married. I have asked why. And there are many many excuses given. All waffle in my opinion and weak answers to justify their behaviour. But the one recurring theme is communication and understanding each others wants/needs/expectations.
So to the op while I understand your frustration. The feeling you get when you feel betrayed by him watching porn. It isn't about you. It's his release. You have to discuss it with him. You do have to meet a middle ground. But I believe if you decide you will stay with this man then you do have to realise that it probably won't change, he'll just hide it more. But is this a reason to leave? If this is his main fault then I try see it in a different light. It isn't a reflection on his feelings for you. It's escapism for him in a fantasy. And we all have fantasies in life.

What a load of nonsense.

Yes more "I am really cool about things and therefore trusted by men so they have shared their secrets with me and because I'm so cool I'm cool with what they tell me, you should be really cool like me" crap...

Sounds like he's replaced having a normal sex life with watching porn, and most porn is not realistic, it's far from it, it's damaging to the person watching cos they think it's better than the real thing and it's damaging to the poor partner who is wanting attention from their partner whilst he wacks one off to some unachievable fantasy, how sad is that.

Sorry but I'd be like you OP, it's insulting, it's degrading and it's completely disrespectful to your relationship with him. He either meets you half way here and agrees to invest his time in you and him or I'd be telling him to take himself and his porn addiction somewhere else.

There is no way I'd be interested in maintaining a relationship with someone who was 'disinterested in me sexually' yet, regularly watches porn.

You have my sympathy op.

One of the issues is that he is just not being fair.