I can't leave him over this

[FeelingSick1]

Not sure what to do as I've got myself into a bad situation here. Basically I found out DH has been looking at porn again- went to order a takeaway on his request using his phone and a porn site came up in the recent websites when I started typing in the address.

I know lots of people are ok with porn but I'm really not. Have said so to DH many times and he has promised to stop looking many times. We split up briefly when I found out he was paying for an expensive porn site but we gave it another chance when he promised to give up.

Stupid FeelingSick1 when we got back together and things were going well wanted to have a baby. Then found him looking at porn in the kitchen while I was sleeping with exhaustion after some nasty morning sickness. Obviously if he wasn't going to give up when I was carrying his child, why would he when the baby arrived? I don't know why I thought he would treasure me more having seen me in a serious life- threatening condition during childbirth. Or maybe consider my low confidence due to how much my body has changed being only 4 months post partum.

Anyway it's my stupid fault for marrying an unkind man and then having a baby with him. Should have realised people never change. I used to feel sick and miserable every time I found out he was going behind my back but now I feel sick that I have brought a baby into an unhappy relationship. My parents divorced when I was young and after that my father was absent and I don't want the same for her.

Another interesting interpretation by mrssmith there and a common bullshit one at that... It seems that some people still believe that men should have ultimate authority in defining relationship boundaries and that their values should be treated with ultimate authority. That when a woman attempts to have an equal relationship by asserting her boundaries this is being controlling because she is not deferring to his authority and that this forces the man to lie and disrespect her and that this is entirely her own fault.

Having boundaries which you articulate and then assert is not imposing anything on anyone. Someone who articulates their boundaries to their partner is attempting to conduct a healthy and equal relationship where they respect their partner's autonomy and differences. Someone who hears those boundaries and then chooses to lie about their position on them and secretly disrespect them is not respecting their partner's autonomy or difference or trying to conduct a healthy and equal relationship. They are choosing to consider themself as more important and depriving their partner of their own informed choice.

Why would anyone want to be tied to such a person by marriage? Just what can the victim of such behaviour do to "work on" or "fix" the problem which related to their partner's attitude towards them and is something they have no control over or impact on?

IMO if your partner doesn't treat you as an equal it is safe to assume they don't feel you are an equal and you have two choices;

Accept subordination or leave.

You can't fix someone else's view of you.

Him lying and being unkind, and short tempered, are reasons enough to consider leaving the relationship.

You are right, people very very rarely change. In order to change a person must realize that they are doing or thinking something wrong. He will look at porn whether you want him to or not, as long as he wants to look at it. Him going back on his promise, and lying to you, is showing you that he does not respect you.

It is not going to be easy to raise a child together with a man who does not respect you, and I get that you feel pretty stuck with him now that you have a baby. It makes leaving a bad relationship so much harder.

Can you learn to live with his porn use?

I could not. I am against porn on principle, and dont find the porn industry sexy at all, it is seedy, degrading.

But more important, can you handle living with a man that thinks nothing of lying to you, make promises he knows he wont keep? Whose moral values are so far removed from your own?

Is he a good role model for your child, all things considered?

mrssmith79 I do object to you stating that I am treating him like a child. I think the majority of us have restrictions in our relationships around the opposite sex, whether it be chatting on a dating website, kissing, whatever. Is it sooo ridiculous that I have a problem with porn. It's not just looking at a copy of playboy these days you know.

Even though I'm unhappy, is it worth destroying the family for? She can at least see both her parents every day if we're together, even if the sexual side of our relationship dies a death.

I am against porn on principle too Quinteszilla for the same reasons but when I contemplate a future without him, I feel even sicker. Maybe it's the sunken costs thing someone else mentioned but I just stupidly love him so much even though the feelings aren't really reciprocated.

Maybe he's not a good role model for DD but he'll be in her life whatever right?

My children still see their dad every day even though we have split. We are on good terms, he has moved across the road and comes for breakfast and dinner on weekdays and all day on the weekends.

We are very clearly apart as far as the dc are concerned and they have been upset but the amount of time he spends with them during waking hours has not changed at all.

I think the modelling is most important in relation to what you teach her about relationships. Do you want her to learn that relationships should be founded on respect and equality or inequality and manipulation? Essentially as I see it that's what's going on here... Might sound dramatic but to lots of people the reasons I left my h (not porn) were about equality and they seem trivial and ridiculous to the majority of people but were really important to me personally.

He will be in her life.

But you are also together role-models for relationships.

Very often people grow up and find themselves in similar relationships to their parents, it is their norm, good or bad.

Personally, I am shocked to find how similar my dad and my husband is. (In our case it is not a bad thing, as they are both good men, and my mum a good a caring mum, I hope I can mirror that aspect too down to my own children).

And amazingly both my husband and my dad have their own businesses, and their wives have taken on the financial side of running the business. How did that happen?
Clearly I must have thought my mum was such an awesome woman that it was the most natural thing in the world for me to give up my own career outside, and step into my husbands business and for us to run it together. I have just done what came natural, this is what I have seen as a child as the norm in MY family. I know, everybody is not like this, but it is very easy to be influenced by our parents life choices in this way.

I think it sounds like he's replacing a lovely, healthy sex life with you by his porn use. Of course it's having a detrimental effect on your relationship. And he's lied to you.

Completely agree with Offred's excellent points about woman being able to set boundaries too. Respect in a relationship should be a two way street.

To the PP who went on at length about their acceptance of porn, that's highly irrelevant.

OP I think it's sad that you still love him despite feeling it's not reciprocated. I can understand why people in this position stay for sake of DC but I think in long run, the best option is to detach. Give it time and I bet one day it will hit you in the face that you are worthy of your feelings being reciprocated by someone.

I think the issue is not the porn per se, its that the OP's partner is refusing to respect her sensitivities on the issue. He knows its something she hates and is essentially putting the porn above his relationship with her.

I don't much like porn and wouldn't like to use it during sex but in the abstract I don't have any hard objections to its use.

The problem is when it becomes a substitute for a healthy, loving sexual connection which has gone or has been degraded. I've noticed that in a lot of relationships (including several of mine) porn is put aside and get picked up when things are not functioning well in the relationship. So I see it as a kind of emotional red flag, a sign that all is not well otherwise.

But, as plenty of you have pointed out, the bottom line is that the OP doesn't like it and the partner is choosing to ignore her strongly held feelings on the matter. Plus the other stuff which suggests he's not generally a very nice or supportive P.

Flicktheswitch I think the problem is not unrealistic expectations per se- it's not like he has asked me to try something and I've refused. He just seems disinterested in me sexually- we do still have sex but normally it's me instigating (with an enthusiastic response) but he very rarely would instigate himself anymore whereas before I was fighting him off! That was a long time ago I suppose.

Thanks to the people who have posted about us needing to be a role model for -relationships-. This is so true and I hadn't considered it like that. He is very much like his mother who mistreats his kind-hearted father, has had several affairs, basically pursues her desires no matter who gets hurt in the meantime (not saying I am particularly kind-hearted or anything!) I guess I am like my Mum who tried to change my step-dad and place restrictions on him and never got anywhere so their marriage failed.

On the other hand, when my Mum was single, after my real Dad left (I was very young), I used to hear her crying in the night when she thought I was asleep- is that the alternative future I am presenting my DD with? God I feel like such a shit human being for bringing a child into this mess.

Do you think you'll be crying in the night if you leave him?

I haven't cried since I left exH. I did before.

It can really be a happier life.

Or you accept that he will look at porn and won't pursue you.

OP I haven't had any experience of growing up with divorced parents, however several of my friends have & they've all said the same thing, before their parents got divorced they all knew they were unhappy in their marriage & it had a very significant negative effect on their childhood to see the two people they loved most making each other miserable.

I suggest you talk to your OH & make sure he realises that his lying has now got to a point where you are considering leaving him. At the moment it sounds like he doesn't believe you will & you have to make him understand that is wrong.

Children react badly to being 'protected' from bad things that they know are going on anyway. I imagine hearing your mum crying at night would be upsetting because you wouldn't be exactly sure what was upsetting her or how bad it was and it would be very clear to you both that she was upset and that she intended to keep it from you so it wasn't something you could expect to be able to understand though it was something that might affect you.

The fear is in the not being able to understand something you know is happening and affecting you.

Children can cope with difficulty which is shared by adults in an honest and age appropriate way. Study after study has shown their relationships with adults are improved if they are involved in difficult experiences that affect them in a way which is safe and age appropriate but that they are damaged by being 'protected' as they very often are aware of problems but are powerless and frustrated at being excluded.

You don't have to repeat the history of your mum's relationships with her partners and her children even if your paths are apparently similar IYSWIM?

Life is too short to stay with someone who makes you unhappy. I detest porn and think it is disrespectful to the other person. I totally agree and understand where you are coming from. You need to take a firm stand and make it utterly clear you won't tolerate it.

Have you asked him outright if he loves you?

Yes if I ask him outright he says he loves me, desires me etc, convincingly too. But actions speak louder than words right.

The other problem is that neither of us can afford a 2 bed place on our own so if we separate, our daughter suffers materially as well.

Do you think that he may be addicted?

Does he himself want to give up the porn?

Perhaps it is better for her emotionally to have two parents both apart and happier than for them to be together and miserable.

Well, she needs to see if they can work it out first.

I don't think he wants to give up and I have read a lot about how porn affects those with addictive tendencies, which I believe he has.

He is at work today so I am going to spend this evening working out my options.

The problem is AttilaTheMeerkat that I can't imagine myself being happier without him. It;s just so hard to imagine an alternate future. We separated for a couple of weeks a couple of years ago before deciding to give it another go and I felt like I/he/my world had died.

Obviously different now with the happiness of DD to consider above all though.

Two weeks isn't long enough to get over the pain of a separation or fear of the change. It is much harder to leave when you still have feelings but I think it is less pain in the long run than waiting until all your feelings have died. I think probably if you think you can't sort this out the only option is splitting up. You should only stay if the problem can actually be satisfactorily resolved and by that I don't mean you, or either of you I suppose, sucking things up.

There are a lot of very emotive posts upthread, I know this is an issue that a lot of people have very strong opinions about. However, I'd like to put this objectively.

The fact is, OPs DP loves her, desires her and watches porn. He has lied about it, in his view, to protect her and her feelings, but for whatever reason he is not prepared to stop.
OP wants to be with him, but cannot accept that he watches porn. She is not prepared to be with him if he does.

As I see it, the facts show that they are not compatible together. I know you are worried about setting a bad example to your DD, but children often learn by example, and staying in a relationship which makes you unhappy isn't going to teach her about healthy relationships. There are ways to deal with the financial situation and people on here will help you find them. Don't feel that you are cornered into staying with him, there are other options we will help you find.