What do I do now?

[Papaontheedge]

I'm new here. My DSiL thought this would be a good place for me to find advice. And my family are old fashioned and biased excluding my DB & DSiL and though they try to help, they are not.

Yesterday, I left my DW. I found out, well she told me, that she has slept with another man, twice. And the only reason she told me is because I brought up the subject of wanting another child.

She told she wanted another also but had to confess she cheated because she did not want to bring a child into this world for things to backfire later and me blame her for having the baby out of guilt. When asked why, she said it was in the moment and the impulse of something dangerous and feeling wanted.

We -have- had a great sexlife, we experimented and I never neglected her needs nor her mine. I do not believe it is my fault, she cheated end of, but maybe I wasn't doing something she thought I should me. It's a bloody mess.

I told her to find somewhere else to stay the night and that it was over. I do not condone cheating, it has left me with doubts whether she's done it before and if this man was more than just a 2-night stand. I cannot live like that, I cannot fix the past and I do not want to repair our marriage which she has destroyed and I do not wish to pretend for the children. I am heartbroken and clueless as to what I do now.

She is the one that cheated, she is the one who has to move out, she has agreed to this. Now to the sensitive issue; our 2 ds who are 4 & 3.

I do not want my children to leave, they have routine, they are settled in daycare and are happy. I do not want to cause them anymore confusion than I have to. How do I approach the subject of the children staying with me at home?

I am happy to do joint custody but not until she is in a stable environment, that's not to say I won't let her visit them and her have them, she can, just not for a few nights. Can I do this without sounding like the bad one?

My family say I should keep them with me and let her visit at set times but it's not that simple is it?

My DB & DSiL say they'll support me whatever but that's no help at all.

I am filing for divorce. This is certain but we need to sit down and discuss things involving the children.

Any advice on how I should talk to her about these things? And any advice on how to help the children? I feel like a failure as a parent - having been raised by old fashioned parents and having some of the same ideals, I feel like I have failed them.

Sorry for the rant. insomnia

The OP has to protect himself and his right to see his children AMAP as even though it is the wife that has broken the wedding vows it is often the mother that gets the house and kids. Why should he loose everything when he has done nothing wrong.

This is not about who has done something wrong it's about what is best for the children!

The Op is doing what's best for the children.

When I first read the OP's initial posts I had a similar feeling, i.e. that she was having to leave 'because she was wrong'. With such young children it would have been reasonably likely, esp in this country, that she was their primary carer.

However, now that OP has explained that they co-parent much more equally and clarified that he is not stopping her from seeing them, just preferring that they not have overnights until she has her own place, I think his stance is very reasonable.

I feel very sorry for her - I would be desperate if I had to spend time away from my ds like this. However, a handy way she could have avoided the circumstance would have been not to shag another man. Twice. I suspect she was counting on OP's desire not to 'break up the family' to get away with it. As we normally tell posters who have been cheated on, it's the cheating spouse who's broken the family, not the one cheated on.

This is a very difficult day for you, Papaontheedge. I truly feel for you, having to tell your children. Take each day as it comes.

Voyage - !

I am aware of that and think he IS doing what is best for the children. I just believe he shouldn't lose his home.

No actually, I emailed one to enquire, and then I brought up the topic with her, she agreed (if she didn't then we'd find another way) I also asked for a list of more local mediators so we'll go through the list together if/when he replies. If I didn't enquire I doubt she would have - I'm looking at every option. She said she'll make the call once we decide seeing as she finishes work earlier.

I am not forcing my opinion, I'm offering it. She has every right to offer hers and disagree with me.

You are only hearing my side through my posts. DW is perfectly capable offering her views and suggestions and she has done. What she did was wrong, yes, she cheated but how we deal with it are more important, we have to find solutions together because we are not the only ones involved.

My brother suggested legal advice too, it all sounds secretive and I hate that but I'll look into it.

Okay, that's me signing off for today and probably for a while. Will check back when things are more settled. Thanks, everyone.

I'm not sure he is doing what's best for the children.

But it doesn't seem like he wants to hear other opinions. Understandably, he is very upset.

Thanks, Tribpot. I didn't see your 2nd reply until after I responded. It's difficult but I am trying to make this as easy as possible for both of us as parents not a couple.

Whats your suggestion then voyage ?

Should he slink off to sleep on his friends sofa ?
Should he send the kids to the in laws and have them shuffled about until she's settled ?

Voyage - my children come first. Always.

Signing off.

Come on then voyage, tell us what he is doing wrong in your opinion, and what he should be doing.

Look I just think he is jumping the gun a little that's all.

Decisions made in the midst of pain. I get the feeling it's the OPs pride that is stopping him from just taking a step back here.

Why is it so hard to understand that I don't want to be with someone who cheated? The trust is gone.

That's fair enough do what you want. I'm just giving you a view that's all. You posted about it on here you are going to get various opinions.
All the best.

Nowhere does it even hint that Papa is letting his pride make the decisions.

He's not posted asking for opinions on his marriage. Some people say they won't tolerate infidelity and they mean it.

I'm sorry you are in the position.

I think 2 weeks is too long also. I hope the mediation works out. I do believe you are thinking of the DC and preffering things which do seem to be in their best interests.

Have you thought about a legal seperation instead of divorce? (For now anyway) I think you have to be seperated for a certain period of time before you can file for divorce in Germany. It's like a divorce agreement i.e child arangements, housing, money etc and if a judge signs it, it's legal binding. You file it on your own, or together. You should look into it.

Papa... Ignore the gender struggles that some posters seem to be having on your thread. I think you sound very calm and rational and in spite of the pain you must be feeling, you're putting your children first. That's all you need to do, that and look after yourself.

I think you're moving forward at a pace that you might want to reflect on at some point, to slow it down a bit, but perhaps you are a problem-solver and need to be 'doing something' to bring this to an end? However you feel about it though, you can review your circumstances at any time and if your wife is being reasonable also then you can set your own timetables for your course(s) of action.

I wanted to comment on one bit of your post that made me think that your wife isn't really ok with her decision and what she has done - and the consequences of that - that was this bit: Basically, she wants nothing to do with me (aside things that include the children) if I refuse to even try at this relationship. So, that's made things clear...

I believe that what your wife is trying to do is to push you into forgiveness by 'upping the ante'. By telling you that she wants nothing to do with you UNLES you're willing to try again, she's hoping that you will be so shocked that you'll stop and think and give her time to make it up to you, to make it right somehow. It is clear, but perhaps not in the way you might think.

I don't think that you'd regret divorcing her; some spouses just will not see a way through a cheating partner - and neither should they feel made to do so. It's your life and this is about you and her. Put the children aside for a moment as you're both looking out for their welfare - this is about your marriage and what it means to you in the longer term.

In your position I might well feel the same, wanting a clean break, decisive action and a clear-cut strategy of what will happen next, pushing my feelings deep down out of the way. In your wife's position, I'd probably feel sick. Deeply sickened that I was now a flawed person in your eyes, the person I'd made vows to, and deeply shocked at the disappointment and betrayal I'd caused. I might well do/say exactly the same thing because I'd want you to forgive my selfishness and weigh it up over the 5 good years we'd been married.

Obviously, I have no idea what's going on in your head beyond what you've posted and no idea at all of what is in your wife's. I'm just saying how I might feel in that position.

You have it all mapped out; it's clear and reasonable. You haven't allowed for the onslaught of emotions that will kick in when you've finished 'mopping up' the arrangements for your children. They will kick in though and you will need support and yes, time to rationalise exactly what your next steps will really be and how this will translate to your life from that point on.

I advise you to make no massive decisions right now, either way; they are often difficult to unpick and you don't need the extra complications and pain that that can bring.

I wish you well, Pappa, you sound like a wonderful dad, part of a team of two wonderful parents, and I'm so sorry that this has happened.

"Gender struggles"

Thank you, everyone, for your advice. These past couple of weeks have been the hardest of my life and life decided to throw another curveball at us. We have miles to go and those emotions I was trying to hold back during this process are starting to show themselves.

We are seeking mediation (she chose who) and had our first appointment Monday. Regarding what's happening; W is still living at her parents but I am no longer helping her look for an apartment. The children are still with me and she sees them everyday after daycare and has them saturdays. At our next appointment we plan to talk arrangements.

Thank you, again.

Hi there papa , with regards to emotions I think it very normal. Do you have support , someone to talk to ? It's important not to bottle things up.

I have family to talk to but I'm thinking of seeing the counselor at work (my boss suggested it), not now as I'm busy with everything but later...

Hello, just back to say thank you to everyone for their support. A lot has happened/changed since I last updated. I spoke to a counsellor at work and still going once a week.

I found out that ex-W was pregnant with OM's baby and she was keeping it because it was her chance to have "normal PG & baby" (our children were meticulously planned due to my health status). She was only 7 weeks pregnant when we had that "discussion", sadly she lost the baby at 11 weeks. She is planning on starting a relationship with OM but she wants to wait until the relationship is serious before introducing the children and wants me there when she does.

She is now living in a 2 bed apartmant and has taken on a promotion at work which has increased her hours so the childcare agreement we had had to be changed at another mediation. We are on civil terms for the children's sake but we have filed for a legal seperation signed by us both, and discussed at mediation and lawyers we are just waiting on a court to approve it which could take a while.

As for our beautiful children. They live with me during the week (due to ex-w promotion and I've had to change hours slightly) and ex-w has them every weekend which suits us all and is working really well.

The children were very confused and upset as expected and could not understand what was going on but with outside help we are all in a good plave but it's still early days.

It's hard and heart wrenching but I'm getting thete, we're getting there.

My heart goes out to you papa it really does. I know the pain you are going through and it's so hard to put it aside and stay amicable for your children's sakes isn't it?

I do it, I paint a smile on my face at handover times and never say anything bad about exh to the children. It kills me but I do it so that they don't have to be any more upset.

Your ex-wife really is a nasty piece of work. She obviously knew she was pregnant then, and told you she'd slept with OM hoping you'd forgive her? And what if you had? When would she have told you about the pregnancy? Or worse, would she have passed the child off as yours?

I really cannot understand how people can treat others like this

You have acted with strength and dignity and I admire you because I know how awful it is.

Good luck, stay strong, take all the help you can. It will get easier in time but look after yourself in the meantime.

Thank you. It is so hard to smile and be polite but like you, I do it for the children and she's the same. Outside the children she refuses to aknowledge me and in a way I'm glad. I have my life and she has hers.

She never would have been able to pass the child off as mine, we always used extra-safe condoms so a split was highly unlikely and if it did she would have told me for health reasons (she was also supposedly back on the pill) and we journaled (date) whenever we had sex. I have no idea what she was thinking I am still unable to get an answer from here but my guess is, she hoped I would forgive her and raise the baby as my own.

I cannnot understand people like that either but life goes on as they say.