What do I do now?

[Papaontheedge]

I'm new here. My DSiL thought this would be a good place for me to find advice. And my family are old fashioned and biased excluding my DB & DSiL and though they try to help, they are not.

Yesterday, I left my DW. I found out, well she told me, that she has slept with another man, twice. And the only reason she told me is because I brought up the subject of wanting another child.

She told she wanted another also but had to confess she cheated because she did not want to bring a child into this world for things to backfire later and me blame her for having the baby out of guilt. When asked why, she said it was in the moment and the impulse of something dangerous and feeling wanted.

We -have- had a great sexlife, we experimented and I never neglected her needs nor her mine. I do not believe it is my fault, she cheated end of, but maybe I wasn't doing something she thought I should me. It's a bloody mess.

I told her to find somewhere else to stay the night and that it was over. I do not condone cheating, it has left me with doubts whether she's done it before and if this man was more than just a 2-night stand. I cannot live like that, I cannot fix the past and I do not want to repair our marriage which she has destroyed and I do not wish to pretend for the children. I am heartbroken and clueless as to what I do now.

She is the one that cheated, she is the one who has to move out, she has agreed to this. Now to the sensitive issue; our 2 ds who are 4 & 3.

I do not want my children to leave, they have routine, they are settled in daycare and are happy. I do not want to cause them anymore confusion than I have to. How do I approach the subject of the children staying with me at home?

I am happy to do joint custody but not until she is in a stable environment, that's not to say I won't let her visit them and her have them, she can, just not for a few nights. Can I do this without sounding like the bad one?

My family say I should keep them with me and let her visit at set times but it's not that simple is it?

My DB & DSiL say they'll support me whatever but that's no help at all.

I am filing for divorce. This is certain but we need to sit down and discuss things involving the children.

Any advice on how I should talk to her about these things? And any advice on how to help the children? I feel like a failure as a parent - having been raised by old fashioned parents and having some of the same ideals, I feel like I have failed them.

Sorry for the rant. insomnia

papa slow down, you can't sort all this in one go, there's too much emotion.

Make arrangements for your children to have reasonable contact with each of you for the sort term - next four weeks- without disrupting their daily routine while the two of you settle down.

Don't do family stuff, it's too painful and will not benefit your children.

Try to come to agreements over time.

I wish you well, you clearly care for your children and are also clear on your boundaries

And don't forget, it doesn't have to be agreed tonight. Think about it. Take advice from a lawyer.

She took a huge risk telling you about her affair and I fail to see why she did that, tbh, as she must know your views.

I hope your talk goes well.

Thanks, everyone. I am panicking, I admit and revert to finding as many suggestions/solutions as possible to calm myself. Which at the minute is making me worse. I need to step back.

Her mother called me because they couldn't get her calm enough from crying to talk so they phoned me and I told them it was best to ask her for the details but in short, she slept with another man.

I've emailed the mediator for an enquiry and you, are right, need to think about now instead of later. The children's routines will stay the same so we just have to figure out nights, weekends and after daycare...

We are both German and live in Germany and plan on staying here.

Thank you all, so much. It really has helped with priorities.

I understand this is a difficult time however two weeks is best for her, not for such young children. I have a just turned four DS and am not with his dad though we strive to be a good parenting team. If his dad goes away for one week DS finds it difficult, two weeks will cause huge fortnightly trauma. Please don't do this to them.

Im in France where shared parenting is common. How about Friday to Friday with a mid-week night (Tuesday) at the other parents. My kids have every other weekend with their Dad and two weeks was way too long for them but he wasn't interested in any other any other solution.

I think that if you were to agree with two weeks at each, the weekend(s) during those weeks should be spent at the other parent's house.

Oh, and BTW, she sounds selfish and self-centered, for sleeping with someone else, and particularly if she thought you'd simply forgive her and is angry at you for not doing it immediately.
I might forgive a one night stand, in special circumstances, but it would require a fairly long time, and a completely different attitude from my partner.

papa I think you sound like a sensible caring man and a good father who is handling things really well.
I disagree with those who say 2 weeks at each house is two long. if it works , do it.

my best friend is doing something similar and they too have a family day out with everyone at least once at the weekend. it's working well for everyone .

Good luck.

papa slow down, you can't sort all this in one go, there's too much emotion.

This.

You're in turmoil and so is your wife. Neither of you is in a the right place to make firm long term plans.

Take while to process this while keeping things as calm and stable as possible for the children. Don't rush into agreeing long term arrangements in the heat of the moment and certainly don't start laying the law down to her about where she can have contact. She's done a pretty good job up until now so trust her her continue to be a good parent when you are separated.

Take things one step at a time. Negotiate the next few days, perhaps a week for now and agree to talk again before the end of that time.

So, she blinked first. That gives you the upper hand and don't you just love that.

You will regret divorcing her in the long run. You will see how hasty you have been.

Your wife is in the wrong. She cheated and should leave if that's what you want. I don't see why you should lose custody of your children when you have done nothing wrong. Ihope things work out for you.

So, she blinked first. That gives you the upper hand and don't you just love that. You will regret divorcing her in the long run. You will see how hasty you have been.

WTAF?
are you the cheating wife?

Ghettoprincess - what are you on about?

I don't see why you should lose custody of your children when you have done nothing wrong.

Custody of the children should be about what's best for them, not which adult was in the wrong.

WTF GhettoPrincess ??

OP, good on you for not putting up with a cheating partner and realising that once trust is gone there is nothing left, i think you sound very sensible and although i have no advice i wish you the best

GhettoPrincess001 - What part am I supposed to love? Blinking first? What the hell are you on about? If you had read the thread you would have realised we posponing the divorce because that isn't the main priority right now, our children are. I will not regret leaving someone who was unfaithful to me. End of.

She has agreed that we should let things settle and then seek mediation. For the time being things should carry on as normal. We have agreed with suprisingly no arguements that after daycare she picks them up as usual and keeps them until after dinner around 7ish and then brings them home for bath and bed and if we haven't sorted anything by next weekend she'll have them overnight.

To whoever mentioned it; we aren't disbuting custody. No matter what happens the custody will be shared unless something goes horribly wrong and unfortunately the courts get involved.

As for the 2 weeks agreement, I think we'll see what the mediator says and get his advice.

Tomorrow is a new day, lets see what it brings now that I am no longer overwhelmed.

Papa I think your being very reasonable and fair, I really feel for you. You sound like such a good husband and father actually. I really hope all works out for you xxxxx I will say a prayer for you tonight

What a stupid thing to say ghetto.

It sounds like the priority is for her to get her own place sorted out so that she can have the children with her for her access times. Is there anything you can do to make sure that happens quickly? I can imagine her stalling, hoping you will let her come home.

As you're in Germany, I'm guessing your kids are a few years away from going to school, so location may not be such a key consideration as it would be for someone in this country with a 4 year old and shared custody. But I would focus on some of these practical aspects of shared care - you both need to be near enough to the same school, the same GP, and so on. If the schools have an admissions policy based on where the parents are living, this will be a factor.

I'm very sorry you're going through this.

If the mediator doesn't have children they might not have the relevant experience to be able to advise you. I would be listening to the mothers on here who have lived it, not someone with letters after their name and no experience. 2 weeks on 2 weeks off is definitely too long, especially when your children are so young.

Ignore Ghetto .

Your wife really has a cheek. Is she used to feeling like she is the one in charge and treating you with disrespect? She seriously thought it would be fine to fuck another man, twice that you know of, and that you would fall back in to line. Unbelievable.

The children have been told. I never want to ever repeat this day.

At the minute she is staying at her parents so that the children have familiar faces around. I've offered to help house hunt or come to viewings with her and she agreed. The children are in daycare so the place has to be near enough that she can get their with public transport or walk.

I think the situation is just raw and emotions are high. Normally everything beyween is great, who shared responsiblity because we both worked full-time. We never believed one was more in charge than the other.

The mediator has children and specialises in divorce/seperations & family disbutes. So hopefully, he can help us out.

Today, we're putting everything aside and focusing on helping the children understand. Do you think books might help?

There probably are books to help children process their parents splitting up but really they just need routine, love and to feel secure all the time.

OP, I feel that you have the idea that you are entitled to force your opinion as the solution because you feel you were in the right and your wife was in the wrong. I hope that your wife gets ome legal advice soon because at the moment you are calling all the shots, and that isn't right. It sounds as if you have chosen the mediator too.

I'm a bit sick of this gender issue on here. If it was a woman nobody would make such comments. His wife is lucky that he has not emotionally reacted and is looking for a mediater . And his wife is wrong , no question. And actually shouldn't it be her looking for a mediator ? Instead she wants nothing to do with him because he won't continue the marriage.

How many people would offer to help their spouse find a house after they've fucked somebody else ? I think he's handled it well , has behaved with dignity , and is putting his children first