The Old Lap-Dancing Club Issue

[parsnipenjoyer]

I know this is a bit of an old chestnut, but I'd really like some advice on how to approach it. I've just seen an itinerary for a stag weekend that DP is going to in July. The groom is his best pal from uni, and the weekend is being organised by the groom's brother, who is a bit younger - not sure if that's relevant. The itinerary includes entry to a lap-dancing club, which I'm really not ok with. It's one of those package weekend things, so I guess that the organiser hasn't discussed the actual details/activities etc with the group, so I'm not leaping to accuse DP of actively suggesting lap-dancing or anything.

I know lots of people are fine with LD/strip clubs, but I'm really not one of them. Apart from the fact that I think they're tacky, on a personal level it makes me feel really unhappy to think of DP that close to a naked lady, I honestly can't see the difference between that and kissing some random in a club. He knows that I really don't like these places, but this issue hasn't come up before because he's not the sort of person who would choose to go to them, and nor are any of his friends - until now, apparently. But we're watching the Sopranos boxset at the mo, which features a strip club quite often, so it's come up in conversation and he knows I wouldn't like it if he went. Is that really controlling? It looks controlling written down, but I can't help how I feel - the thought of him having a lap dance makes me want to cry, I'm literally welling up just thinking about it.

Can anyone help me plan how I can approach this conversation without a) bursting into tears or b) coming across as a nagging harpy? Is it fair to ask him to not to go to that bit? Some perspective would be very useful please :(

I know quite a few men who have bowed out of the lap-dancing/strip club element of group trips.

Lots of my male friends say that on these stag do's often large groups generally break off into factions with the ones that are so inclined/the type to see strippers will do that anyway, others don't feel pressured to do the same.

I know a few male friends who preferred to stay in the pub on a mixed group trip to Prague once. Certain men were hell bent on 'doing their own thing' and had their own agenda but didn't manage to sway the others who were just there for a holiday, not to ogle strippers whilst DW/DP wasn't around.

Atbeckandcall - thank you. Dreamboys isn't really my thing, but the whole negotiation would be a lot easier if it were!

Botanicbaby - that's very encouraging to hear, thank you. I don't really know the group at all, only the groom, but I hope that there will others who don't really fancy it either, then it'll be less of an issue for DP to 'make his stand' - assuming he agrees with me, that is!

Thank you all again for your thoughts. It really helps to get a range of perspectives, and I think I've got my initial 'oh crap panic' thoughts out of the way by posting here, so will hopefully be able to talk about it calmly this evening. Will report back!

I can't speak for all women, but I have never come across any woman (except maybe younger women who have not had serious relationships, children etc), who would be happy or even comfortable with their dp having a young woman gyrate their vagina in his face. It just defies logic to me.
I love my dh, he loves me. If he chose to pay a girl to do this for whatever reason, I would lose all respect for him and it would be a huge turn off. I would see it as borderline cheating.
If he met a girl in a bar, got chatting and then they went outside and she jiggled her bare tits in her face, I don't see that as any different to actually paying a girl to do it. Why would money exchanging hands make it more acceptable?
My dh wouldn't want me to gyrate over anyone, so why would I be ok with him paying someone?

Personally they are not my bag. I think they are tacky too.
I'd have to pass on that outing and meet them after.

If he met a girl in a bar, got chatting and then they went outside and she jiggled her bare tits in her face, I don't see that as any different to actually paying a girl to do it. Why would money exchanging hands make it more acceptable?
My dh wouldn't want me to gyrate over anyone, so why would I be ok with him paying someone?

This! Exactly how I see it.

Bold fail

Op I totally understand you. In a loving, respectful relationship it is not appropriate for either partner to actively seek sexual thrills on the side. Particularly in seedy ld venues.
Of course we all find other people attractive, that I think is normal and healthy, but to actively go somewhere to be turned on and gawp at naked women whilst the dw is at home caring for the children, is simply not on.
It is sad and desperate for single men to do this, let alone a family man!

No children here yet, Tiredstilltired! Good lord, this would be a whole different conversation if there were
But yes, I do think it's a bit on the 'sad and desperate' side, and don't like to think of my DP being in that category!

Not read all the responses but to be honest I'm one that doesn't see the issue with lapdancing clubs personally but I can understand that others don't like them.

In this situation however I think it's daft to impose a strip club ban. Just ask your DH to not get a dance maybe?

I've been to several strip clubs with friends and partners (another friend worked in one behind the bar), I've even had a dance when I was bet I wouldn't.

I could understand the issue if it was just a lads night out but on a stag do it's fairly standard.

But yes, I do think it's a bit on the 'sad and desperate' side

Oi! Don't knock the sad and desperate, we still have our diginity and self respect!

Ha ha keepithidden fair enough! Thanks for the male viewpoint earlier, by the way.

MeepMeep - I guess that's what's thrown me a bit - this will only be DP's third ever stag, and first with strip club, so it's not like we have an ongoing agreement to deal with this situation and I don't really know what the norm is. Thanks for your view though.

whatonearth - that's exactly the approach I'm going to go for, I think. Normally, making me happy is his first priority, so I would hope that saying this would be enough to make him rethink if rethinking is needed.

Just realised that I sound like a right princess in that last post! As in, making each other happy is both of our top priorities. Not that I require grapes peeled etc.

I really wouldn't make too much of a big deal of this. You know you and your dh agree about general principles and that he wouldn't seek out this sort of activity by choice. There's a possibility that the group might split and he and the rest might do something else instead.

But I'd leave it up to his judgement as to whether he can get out of it without too much disruption or causing problems with the group. If making each other happy is your top priority, surely you wouldn't want to ruin his evening?

But I'm someone who sees a great deal of difference between a random snog in a club and visiting a strip club on a stag night. I'd find the former much more upsetting.

I've worked in one of those places and they are fucking ghastly

Everyone pays to get in - the pervspunters, the dancers, the toilet attendant who buys bottles of after shave to spray the pervspunters with in hopes of a tip.

The bog is their only place they'll be getting their cock out.

So everytime a new gaggle of lechers come in all the dancers swarm them like antibodies to get the cash out of them. That lasts about 10 minutes until they've identified who's spending and who's not and then they're off. You see single saddoes desperately trying to get the attention of a girl but she's not crossing the room for £20 from Billy Nomates when there's more sitting where she is.

they are just gruesome. I refuse to believe anyone is turned on.

I would not be surprised to learn that a lot of men have been in one but frankly if one I knew went more than once I'd laugh at him for being a cock following mug. i think you're right to be pissed off and I would suggest that he might to peel out with the grown ups and go to a sports bar while the boys pay to have some strange single mother's fanny waved in their faces.from me this would attract ridicule more than anger. who pays a woman to get her tits out for him FGS? nothing else working?

and if he needs a dignified way to back out that won't leave him looking like a twat in front of the mates, try "i've been before, it was total shit and cost a fortune - go ahead but i'll be at (wherever), who's coming?"

Loving the 2 contrasting views from the last 2 posters, thanks, interesting! apocalypto what you describe is exactly what I imagine. I'd be so disappointed in DP if he actively sought this kind of place out - as it is, I know it'll just be 'going with the crowd' but it's still not great. Good idea for a get-out phrase though.

From either side of op and his mates hes damned if does go and damned if he does not go. (although i do see ops point)

If he's a life and soul of the party type then he is a great one to make a stand and say 'no thanks' actually, would make it a lot easier for the others to say no as well.

I think it's a young man's game TBH, they think it's fun and a bit naughty, until they have experienced it. DH says he's been in them on stag nights when he was younger but wouldn't do it now, he hated them.

Personally I think paying for sexual contact is much worse than a drunken snog at a nightclub, there's no respect for either the man's partner or the woman he has to pay to get to do things to him.

This isn't about whether other people think you are 'over reacting'. You are perfectly at liberty to set the boundaries in your relationship where you want to.

If you don't want him to get his sexual titilation in person with anyone other than you, that's your prerogative. He can either choose to respect your boundaries, or not.

It's up to you to make clear how much this would affect your relationship, and up to him if the experience is worth that cost.

Just want to make this crystal clear. There are no vaginas or titties wobbling anywhere, no-one is more skimpily clad than a day at the beach, unless you pay for a private dance. That's why it doesn't both me unless there are giblets flapping about that DH has spent out money on.
And yes I have been in one of these places.

I remember my DH (before he became DH) going to one over 10 years ago on a stag night. He's thought it was a waste of money, and all you do is look.

He was a bit out out when he arranged his brothers stag do and someone commented that it was a lame do if they didn't go to a lap dancing place. They didn't go...

Hello all,
We discussed it last night and it was immediately obvious that at first he had no idea what I was talking about. He hadn't read the itinerary (it was forwarded from the stag company) so when I did the 'we need to have A Conversation' line he was completely nonplussed. His first reaction was 'well I'm not sure what you want me to do, I have zero interest in going but if that's what X has planned, what can I do'? Once I said that I would consider paying for anything to be akin to cheating he was horrified and offended that I would even think that a possibility. It fits with how I thought/hoped he would react if I basically said 'if you have a lap dance, you find a new GF'.

So the upshot is that, no, he would rather not go to the club, but if the stag wants to then he will. Reading the thread yesterday really helped me get my head round my boundaries on this one - although I was initially very unhappy with the idea of him going, I realised that what really bothered me was the dances themselves, not being in the venue - as long as he's only there under duress which I'm satisfied he would be. I've made it very clear what I'm not ok with and I trust him to stick to that, particularly as he was so genuinely puzzled and offended that I even thought he might get a private dance.

When it comes down to it, he doesn't really want to go on the trip at all - he'd rather have a night in the pub with the groom and 2 others so the whole thing is a bit of an expensive faff and the strip club is just one part of that, from his perspective.

Thank you again for all your responses. Feel much better about it all now. And I didn't cry, little victories!! [smiles]

Sounds like a good resolution for you both, good news! :)

Hi OP. I know this isn't easy, I'm still quietly gutted by my own very recent experience of this and, unlike you, spoke to DH afterwards rather than before. So well done for having that conversation. I don't really have any other advice, just wanted to let you know that your reaction was very much like mine, and trying to sort out the emotional mess is much more difficult afterwards.

Sure it'll be OK now you've agreed your approach between you and seen your DH's reaction - you know where he's at with this and you know your man. So try to enjoy some 'me' time while he's away without being worried.