Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it me?

49 replies

thatstripedthing · 13/03/2014 19:14

DP and I have been together 15 months or so, living together 9 months. He moved in with me, at my suggestion. The house is mine and I pay all the bills, including food. I genuinely think that he feels that he contributes as he is generous with my children and does the odd job around the house, but that sums up all he does. It doesn't bother me (much) but lately it has really started to niggle.

The greater problem, though, is that he sometimes makes me feel unwelcome in the house. An inconvenience. He has the ability to go away two nights a week, something he did often in the early days of living together but now not so much. I sometimes look at him and wonder why he doesn't just go. But he doesn't. And I don't think he will either.

We don't have sex. Haven't in so long that I actually don't remember the last time!

I love him, I'm sure I do. But I'm not long out of a very lonely long marriage, and I'm starting to feel like I did then. Each day is a constant struggle in my head about 'yes, I want this' and 'no, I don't want this at all'.

I know exactly what I should do, but it would destroy him. In the same way that it destroyed my husband when I told him it was over. I can't do that to another human again. But the words 'for something to live, something else needs to die' echo loudly inside...

How long do I live like this in the hope that it will get better? I am away at the moment and seriously considering going NC for the duration....

OP posts:
Diagonally · 13/03/2014 19:25

It's not going to destroy him to end it. You've been together 15 months!

It sounds like you've got to the point where you are thinking "is this really what I want long term " and you've answered "no" to yourself. You have to trust that feeling.

Nothing wrong with that. Yes the living together is an added complication but not insurmountable. Did he give up his own place when he moved in?

Original poster
thatstripedthing · 13/03/2014 19:34

He was renting a room close to where he works. It was one of the reasons I suggested he moved in, he just didn't want to be there any more really

OP posts:
wyrdyBird · 13/03/2014 19:35

It sounds as if your relationship has come to a natural end.
There will be upset if you make it official, but to say it would destroy him seems very strong. Why do you feel a breakup would do that?

Original poster
thatstripedthing · 13/03/2014 19:46

He is incredibly attached to me - and the family unit. Frequently tells me he loves me more than anything. And it's sincere. I treat him very well - he has not been well treated in the past.

OP posts:
summerbreezer · 13/03/2014 19:53

"He is incredibly attached to me - and the family unit. Frequently tells me he loves me more than anything. And it's sincere."

That is need, not love. You won't be responsible for destroying him. Clearly he has deep rooted issues that cannot be fixed by another human being.

You said your husband was also destroyed when that relationship finished - whilst the breakdown of a marriage always results in a lot of pain, it is rare for a person to be "destroyed" by it.

Do you think you gravitate towards very needy men?

Dahlen · 13/03/2014 19:53

Why did you suggest he move in? Apart from the fact he was renting a room, what made it seem like the obvious next step for you then? And what's changed since?

If he would be destroyed after a mere 9 months of cohabitation, he's got problems that go far beyond anything you are responsible for. Upset, angry, hurt... all that is fine, but would be temporary for anyone who is a fully formed adult and has had a relationship with another adult for what marks a very short time in both their lives overall.

The fact that he hasn't been treated well in the past is not your responsibility. You are not treating someone badly even if you dump them - it's about how you do it, and you can do it honestly and fairly.

It's a cliche, but you only get one life. You owe it to you and your DC to put your feelings about this relationship before your P's.

Original poster
thatstripedthing · 13/03/2014 19:56

Thanks for that. Your observations and words are of course correct.

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 13/03/2014 19:56

Codependency jumps out from your every word. You don't owe this guy a nice relationship, and you have a lot of work to do on yourself before you will be ready for a relationship or cohabiting. You have the right to end this crap relationship and for the sake of your kids do it sooner rather than later.

wyrdyBird · 13/03/2014 19:56

He frequently tells you he loves you more than anything, and yet.... no intimacy, and he sometimes makes you feel inconvenient and unwelcome in your own house. So something doesn't match up there.

You're also paying all the bills. Does DP act as SAHP or is he working too?

Original poster
thatstripedthing · 13/03/2014 19:57

I hadn't considered co-dependency but I think you are right

OP posts:
Finola1step · 13/03/2014 19:57

He moved in with you and your dc just six months into the relationship. A mere 9 months down the road, you are bored and can't remember the last time you had sex.

You are only with him out of guilt. Guilt over leaving your exH as well as at the prospect of dumping new man. He deserves more. Let him go.

LineRunner · 13/03/2014 19:57

'For something to live, something else needs to die'. That just isn't true.

LineRunner · 13/03/2014 19:59

Sorry, posted to soon - in a nutshell, beware too much dramatic woo, and just end a relationship that frankly sounds crap.

RatherBeRiding · 13/03/2014 20:01

You love him, he loves you.....but you don't have sex?! You live together but he contributes nothing to the household finances?

Have you spoken to him about how your are feeling? Rather than leaping from "we love each other" to "it has to end" maybe you could have a frank discussion about what you're not happy with?

Original poster
thatstripedthing · 13/03/2014 20:04

We have discussed but I guess that I don't want to humiliate him. The no-sex thing comes from him. I think I am over the frustration but there is no resolution to the situation. I could sit him down, but I would feel worse about the situation than he would

OP posts:
bellablot · 13/03/2014 20:05

I would get rid and not move someone in as early as 9 months again. Why isn't he contributing? Oh and 15 months together and you can't remember the last time you dtd? Really??? I'm flabbergasted.

irrationalme · 13/03/2014 20:06

He's a freeloader; would call him a cocklodger but there's no sex.

Does he earn money? If so, why isn't he contributing towards bills?

Bogeyface · 13/03/2014 20:06

He is your rebound, and like 99% of rebounds, it hasnt laster.

You moved in togeteher far too quickly (and as for your children, well....you already know I am guessing).

Ask him to leave and then give yourself a time limit. A year minimum before you start dating and 2 years with a man before you consider moving in together.

You left your marriage because you were unhappy, but you are just as unhappy now. I wonder if you thought your marriage was the problem but it wasnt and in fact you took the problem with you when you left. I would suggest counselling/therapy to find out what your issues are before you even consider another relationship.

Original poster
thatstripedthing · 13/03/2014 20:08

Sorry - the financial aspect. No, we haven't discussed this. He has some debts to pay off which I am pleased to help with (by covering the expenses) but he hasn't made dents into paying them back. I did raise the subject of us living off my salary and saving his which, in theory, is what we do - only he does not save his wage! We both work, I do earn more than him but have far less disposable income. I get no maintenance from my ex and am funding private education...

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 13/03/2014 20:09

I should add, in case I sound accusatory, I know what I am talking about.

I left my marriage because I was unhappy, I assumed it was the marriage/my ex that was the problem. It wasnt, the problem was inside me and I took it with me. I ended up having a breakdown before I got treatment and could properly get my life back on track. I would give anything to have my time again and not end my marriage to a good and loving man. :(

Original poster
thatstripedthing · 13/03/2014 20:10

I ended my marriage because my husband drank our life away. I don't need counselling to determine that, thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
thatstripedthing · 13/03/2014 20:11

Ok, bogey. No, I'm an extremely happy and capable person. I don't think kindness and affection are too much to ask!

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 13/03/2014 20:14

WTF? No! Don't help him pay off his debts. Why on earth would you be responsible for that?

No more than you are responsible for providing him with a place to live, or for his feelings after you dump him.

BeforeAndAfter · 13/03/2014 20:17

I lost my marriage, soulmate, best friend and the life we had built over 15 years together through no fault of my own. I didn't die and nor will your DP.

JenBehavingBadly · 13/03/2014 20:27

This doesn't sound like much of a relationship. More like having another child in the house that you support financially. Move on, there's better out there.