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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it me?

49 replies

thatstripedthing · 13/03/2014 19:14

DP and I have been together 15 months or so, living together 9 months. He moved in with me, at my suggestion. The house is mine and I pay all the bills, including food. I genuinely think that he feels that he contributes as he is generous with my children and does the odd job around the house, but that sums up all he does. It doesn't bother me (much) but lately it has really started to niggle.

The greater problem, though, is that he sometimes makes me feel unwelcome in the house. An inconvenience. He has the ability to go away two nights a week, something he did often in the early days of living together but now not so much. I sometimes look at him and wonder why he doesn't just go. But he doesn't. And I don't think he will either.

We don't have sex. Haven't in so long that I actually don't remember the last time!

I love him, I'm sure I do. But I'm not long out of a very lonely long marriage, and I'm starting to feel like I did then. Each day is a constant struggle in my head about 'yes, I want this' and 'no, I don't want this at all'.

I know exactly what I should do, but it would destroy him. In the same way that it destroyed my husband when I told him it was over. I can't do that to another human again. But the words 'for something to live, something else needs to die' echo loudly inside...

How long do I live like this in the hope that it will get better? I am away at the moment and seriously considering going NC for the duration....

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 13/03/2014 20:27

But That you are looking to end the relationship, that isnt a happy place to be surely? And to jump into another relationship that has ended very quickly, has no sex, no consideration or respect seems to indicate that there is more to this than just bad luck.

If you dont feel that there is an issue, fine, but I cant help feeling that there may be something (such as codependency mentioned above, or simply a lack of awareness about bad choices) that counselling could help with.

Original poster

thatstripedthing · 13/03/2014 20:30

Who said I jumped from one relationship to the other?

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 13/03/2014 20:31

I didnt say that at all.

Bogeyface · 13/03/2014 20:33

Look you obviously dont want to hear that it may in fact be you (which is what you asked!) at least in part. I am not suggesting that his behaviour is your fault because it isnt at all, but that you getting into another dysfunctional relationship, and moving it on so fast, may be because of issues you have.

I will leave the thread now.

Original poster

thatstripedthing · 13/03/2014 20:33

Then I must have misunderstood your last first paragraph when you said 'jumped'

OP posts:

Original poster

thatstripedthing · 13/03/2014 20:37

Another misunderstanding. 'Is it me' refers to 'is this dysfunctional' and not 'am I serial misery seeker'

OP posts:

Finola1step · 13/03/2014 20:37

Striped, you asked for advice which has been duly given. By having a go at one of the very people who has bothered to actually respond to your question, you are deflecting attention away from the issue.

You ask for advice, it's given, either listen or don't. The choice is yours.

ellengeorgia · 13/03/2014 20:41

why no sex after only 15 months? not quite sure why you are living together....

Viviennemary · 13/03/2014 20:43

I think you will have to split up from him or at least stop living together for the time being. No point in staying with someone because you feel sorry for them. I've been there once but for a relatively short time. It's not a good thing.

scottishmummy · 13/03/2014 20:44

You're unhappy,he's unhappy.in your own home you're uncomfortable
Reading your account it's a relationship that's floundered and he's just hanging around
I'd say reading your post I can't see a compelling reason you two are together.

irrationalme · 13/03/2014 20:47

Look, you are obviously very capable; you work, provide for DCs, including a private education. From this I assume you have a well paid responsible job.

You don't need counselling, you need to either get him to pay his way and engage in an adult intimate relationship or chuck him out. If you sit him down and present him with what his contribution should be if he wishes to continue living with you and he refuses, you know where you stand. If he is happy to pay, you know where you stand. either way you win and get the relationship on an equal footing financially.

whether it's worth it is another matter, especially if there is no intimacy - at the moment the dynamic is as if he's being looked after by his doting mother

scottishmummy · 13/03/2014 20:49

Stop being a doormat woman,stop considering paying his debts
15 month dating,this much aggro and you pay his debts.he's taking the piss

Original poster

thatstripedthing · 13/03/2014 20:51

sigh finola. I only wish you had read all that had been written. Thanks for your contribution - because of it I have asked for the post to be deleted. Many, MANY thanks to those of you who have read and responded. Your advice is all correct and you have affirmed what it is I need to do. Very helpful and valuable

OP posts:

LineRunner · 13/03/2014 21:12

And I'm sorry. It's horrible when you realise that you have to end something and change - but yet it is also very bloody liberating. Good luck. You do sound very capable, as pp said.

Finola1step · 13/03/2014 21:30

You are perfectly entitled to make a request to delete my post. On what grounds, I am unsure. You asked for advice, you got it, you started having a go at Bogey. I was simply pointing this out.

Yes, I may have x posted. But there was no intention to be offensive on my part. So feel free to explain why you reported my post.

Cabrinha · 13/03/2014 21:41

For something to live, something else needs to die
Tripe!
I say drop the drama, and just accept this is common or garden not working out. No big deal.
End it.
You'll both live.
And next time maybe wait a bit longer before moving someone into your kids' home.

DrOwh · 13/03/2014 21:42

Another woman who moves a bloke in 5 minutes into a relationship without discussing finances / dynamics /expectations etc etc etc...

At least this one seem to be kind to the children at least.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/03/2014 22:37

For the record, I have read all of your post and it's obvious to everyone here what happened.

You moved a man in too soon when you didn't really know him. Let's not even go there with moving a man into your DC's home after 6 months shall we? The fact that you have not had sex in so long you can't remember - and this is in a new shiny relatonship of jyst 15 months?! That didn't ring alarm bells before you shipped him in?

And to top it all, you took all of these crazy steps without even having a proper talk about money! Thus jeapardising the financial security of you and your DC

Anyway, it's clear that you are not happy. He probably isn't either.

Next time, don't be so hasty eh? Stop and think. Don't move some half stranger in because it's convenient for him.

bogey your post made me stop in my tracks. It was very brave of you to share that. PIty the OP threw it back in your face eh?

DrOwh · 13/03/2014 22:41

He is using you thatstripedthing
You deserve so much better.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/03/2014 22:42

So does he!

BillyBanter · 13/03/2014 22:45

He's a cock lodger and you're not even getting use out of his cock!

Isetan · 14/03/2014 02:00

Seriously woman, you moved this man into your children's home 6 months into a relationship and are helping him pay off his debts (which he isn't reducing) by subsidising him.

You have presented your children with a sibling and created a parent child dynamic between you and this man, it's not surprising your not having sex.

End this relationship now and have a word with yourself because your haste and lack of foresight contributed to this mess.

Monty27 · 14/03/2014 02:07

He's a cocklodger, sadly for you. They're very clever. Get rid. :(

Jan45 · 14/03/2014 12:33

He lives with you for free and is great with the kids, seriously, is this what you think you are worth, a man that is happy to live off your earnings, and, doesn't want sex with you, you'd be better getting a lodger and charging rent.

No idea what you love about him, the relationship sounds dysfunctional and basically crap, all that in 15 months.

If you're lonely, honestly, get a lodger, someone who respects you enough to pay their way.

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