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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is the end. Marriage over.

44 replies

Sk002 · 13/03/2014 18:07

I've been married to OH for 15years. All was fine until the kids came along and he wanted to continue the single life. So child rearing was left to me. He worked away a lot and his work situation is always insecure. I have worked fulltime so we could pay mortgage etc. Last year I had enough of being a single parent in all but name so told him it was over. He was devastated and asked for another chance. I gave in and have tried but all feelings I have are gone from years of neglect and no support from him.
The time has come for me to tell him now that it is over. I feel physically sick at the thought of it. I am afraid of how he will react, how the kids will take it and what the future holds.....

OP posts:
Minime85 · 13/03/2014 18:11

oh I'm so sorry. you will be ok. so will the kids. my situation in terms of how I came to be on my own with kids is slightly different but I'm nearly 5 months in now and feeling happy. I too was often on my own with kids before he left due to his job so that will set u up really well in the weeks to come. the kids will adapt but of course will be sad and be prepared for lots of questions.

I hope things work out for u x

Handywoman · 13/03/2014 20:07

OP you are where I was at in June. So sorry you are in this position. I felt physically at the thought of ending my marriage. But it was the only authentic way forward. Clearly for the best. Not without challenges emotionally (15yrs married too, H simply slipped out the door and I heard nothing more from him although he sees the dc EOW.) I am about to start counselling to process the emotional damage . I for one am here listening. Wish you well and sending strength.

januarycat · 13/03/2014 20:10

Sk002 - best of luck.

I am in a similar situation. I have decided that tomorrow is the day I tell H I have started divorce proceedings.
Feelings of dread ...

Handywoman · 13/03/2014 21:05

Good luck to you too, Januarycat

Quitelikely · 13/03/2014 21:11

You've got to do whats right and you can't go through life being utterly miserable. He had his chance and he's blown it. Your resentment will always be there over the things he did or didn't do. I think you will probably feel relieved when its all over. Good luck

Original poster
Sk002 · 14/03/2014 08:17

Thank you all for your replies. Good to know others have got thru situations like this. I think I am most afraid of his reaction. And for sure the kids won't enter his mind. The last time I said it was over he roared at me to leave his house. I left for a few hours to give him time to cool down. He will be so angry at me this time and could say anything. The kids haven't really seen us arguing much but there has been an atmosphere in the house.
Handywoman, I have been for counselling and it made me strong enough to get to this point. Also helped keep me sane. At times I felt like I was going mad, but counselling showed me I had battled for years to make a home with someone who has no idea what being a family is all about. So you should definitely go for counselling, it is worth its weight in gold.

Oh Januarycat, sending the very best of luck you way today. X

OP posts:
pointythings · 14/03/2014 09:17

The last time I said it was over he roared at me to leave his house.

His house, when you've been paying towards the mortgage? I know this is hard for you, OP, but you really deserve better. Go for it, come out on the other side stronger and happier.

Quinteszilla · 14/03/2014 09:19

If that is how he behaved the last time, I would seriously consider just cracking on with a solicitor and look for rented accommodation to move into with the kids while selling the family home.

Good luck.

Original poster
Sk002 · 14/03/2014 14:20

Counsellor says his reactions are the equivalent to a toddler throwing toys out of the pram. Due, I guess, to him being only child and the apple of his mother's eye. So he has never had to grow up or take responsibility for anything. Everything we have is down to me. He just tagged along.

I know I have to end it. And it may happen this weekend. I will be left with the fallout with the three kids as I think he will have a rant and then hit the pub....

OP posts:
Handywoman · 14/03/2014 18:50

How are you Januarycat? Sk002 too hope you are ok. Once the deed is done come on here, there are shoulders aplenty and listening ears galore. Hugs to both

milkysmum · 14/03/2014 19:07

How old are your dc's op?
I have just told h we are over and he moved out 2 weeks ago. Like you I have felt the relationship has been distant for sometime. He was also a regular cannabis user and refused to give it up but thats a whole other threadGrin
my dc's are 5 and 2. I have always worked full time but have just negotiated a reduction to 30 hours so I can be there more for the children. I am still getting used to being a single parent and I have had a rollercoaster of emotions but I know that I am doing the right thing and am hopeful it will get easier with time. My thoughts are with you.

januarycat · 16/03/2014 10:16

How are you Sk002?

I told H on friday that Im divorcing him. He said it wouldn't happen. He didn't do his usual ranting but is being quietly nasty & manipulative - following me around the house, hugging himself Hmm & telling me I will be homeless.

BUT - the run up to telling him was worse than this, I wasn't sleeping & dreaded every day. It's a relief.

Original poster
Sk002 · 16/03/2014 12:21

So glad to hear you are OK Januarycat. Was thinking of you all yesterday. Does he think you can't survive without him?! Sometimes I think they can't believe we'd rather go it alone. Good to know the dread leading up to it is worst though. I am still there trying to pluck up courage.

Milkysmum, kids are 9, 10 and 14. 14yo is my biggest worry. She is V serious and often over thinks stuff . How are yours coping?

OP posts:
milkysmum · 16/03/2014 18:08

For the first week dd just cried every night for her daddy and kept asking if he could come home if he said sorry. This week has felt much easier and she is much less distressed. I have stressed that her daddy will still be in her life but that mummy and daddy just cant live together anymore. H keeps sending me texts about how mych he is missing us all, can he come back etc... but in my heart I know he will never change and I will never be fully happy with him so I am still confident I am doing the right thing- I hope!Grin

Handywoman · 16/03/2014 18:50

Gosh milkys that's heart rending. Well done you Thanks hope you are getting lots of RL support

Original poster
Sk002 · 16/03/2014 23:55

Oh Milkysmum that first week sounds like it was a tough one. But I could feel your confidence and optimism growing as I read on. Your kids will soon get used to the new routine and that should help too.
I am taking inspiration from you. X

OP posts:
januarycat · 17/03/2014 18:07

Hope you are ok Sk.

What's your relationship with H like? Is it what you would want for your DCs?

I think that the relationship that I have/had with H is a blueprint for my DCs. Its not something I would want for them.
And on cue DS wants to discuss 'team fortress2(?!)

januarycat · 17/03/2014 18:09

Sorry, will post later Smile

Original poster
Sk002 · 17/03/2014 23:24

Most definitely do not want them to have this kind of relationship. Because it is crap. For a long time the good times made up for the bad times. Not any more.
Counselling made me realise he will never change. So it's my move.....

OP posts:
Handywoman · 18/03/2014 07:35

Go for it, Sk

Original poster
Sk002 · 23/03/2014 22:50

I just told him it's over. He was very calm and said that he hopes I dont regret this in a few years. That is exactly what I am thinking. :-(
He will no doubt get angry very soon as he did before. Telling me this is all my fault.

But I know we have no future. I feel physically sick now, and sad and scared. Want to cry my eyes out but am lying in bed next to DD.

OP posts:
GimmeDaBoobehz · 23/03/2014 23:05

I'm sorry it has came to this but he has brought this on himself and there is nobody else to blame.

The kids will find it tough just like you will but as long as they know their Mum is there to support them, they will be fine.

Allow them to cry, scream or even speak to someone outside of the situation if they want to, because that might be what they need. If they want to talk to you about it let them and tell them in an age appropriate way what will happen (moving house/schools etc) and always let them know that you will be there for them.

You were practically living as a single parent anyway so you wont be missing out on the help. It's a hard thing to come to terms with though.

Once the norm is pulled from underneath your feet it's so difficult - even the negatives are not so negative, because you just want the status quo. You're a strong person from pulling yourself out of this position.

RaspberryRuffle · 23/03/2014 23:08

He's trying to make you question your judgement. Your counsellor has been useful, what would s/he say to you now. Visualise yourself there and recognise how far you have come. Turn that question on its head, if you don't end this won't you regret that more, having resentment build up in you. He will never change. Yiu deserve to be happy. Thanks

milkysmum · 23/03/2014 23:11

You have done such a brave thing. I cannot tell you how even in a few short weeks things are starting to feel easier. H is changeable- he has switched between telling me it is all my fault for ripping our family apart to begging me to let him come home and 'everything will be different'. I am holding my position- that our relationship is over and whilst I am sad for 'what could have been' I remain confident this is the right thing to do. Stay strong x

Minime85 · 24/03/2014 06:14

hope you are feeling OK this morning. how did u sleep?

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