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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This is the end. Marriage over.

44 replies

Sk002 · 13/03/2014 18:07

I've been married to OH for 15years. All was fine until the kids came along and he wanted to continue the single life. So child rearing was left to me. He worked away a lot and his work situation is always insecure. I have worked fulltime so we could pay mortgage etc. Last year I had enough of being a single parent in all but name so told him it was over. He was devastated and asked for another chance. I gave in and have tried but all feelings I have are gone from years of neglect and no support from him.
The time has come for me to tell him now that it is over. I feel physically sick at the thought of it. I am afraid of how he will react, how the kids will take it and what the future holds.....

OP posts:

Handywoman · 24/03/2014 07:40

You have taken a hugely positive step, sk002, well done keep the words of your counsellor in your ear. Do you have RL support? Be very gentle with yourself. Eat small meals like soup. Hugs to you.

peppajay · 24/03/2014 07:43

Mine and DH's relationship is dead and buried really he hates and can't cope with family life so we never do anything together I am very miserable but keep my chin up on front of the children. I have that fantastic Monday morning feeling as the weekend is over and he is at work and there is no nagging and moaning. I would love to end our relationship but can't as hubby can't cope with kids so he wod never see them and can't do that to them I would rather be miserable than break the children's hearts forever!!

Original poster

Sk002 · 24/03/2014 09:37

Thank you for kind words and encouragement. I am not feeling very strong at the moment. I ha é booked another counselling session for myself to keep me on the right track.
He wasn't talking to me this morning. So I don't know ow what will happen when I get home from work and he has has time to stew on it.
This is the "worse before it gets better" it I suppose.
I still need that cry though.

OP posts:

Handywoman · 24/03/2014 09:43

This is the 'worse before it gets better' yes. This is the truly awful bit. Your aim now is to just get through each day one bit at a time. Lean, lean, lean on your friends. Hopefully he will leave the house very soon. Then you will feel a billion times better. Stay strong Sk002

Original poster

Sk002 · 24/03/2014 12:00

So glad you said that Handywoman. Hopefully he will leave soon. That would ease pressure on me. Though I will have upset kids to deal with then.

There are very long days ahead....

OP posts:

Original poster

Sk002 · 28/03/2014 23:21

We are a week down the line since I told him it is over. He says he can't believe I am doing this to him, leaving him after all our years together, etc. And even though he thinks I am being terribly mean he is willing to give us another try. I said no and that I would not be changing my mind. He has not spoken to me since so no plans made on what will happen next.
Then this evening he came home from work and went straight back out again without saying a word. That was 6pm.its now 11pm and he is still out. In the pub probably. I am afraid he will kick up fuss when he gets in and wake the kids or get angry at me. He used to do this when the kids were small until I threatened to leave unless he stopped getting drunk and wakening them when he came on. So tonight we are having a flashback. I hate him for making me go thru another night of this drink fuelled feeling sorry for himself bullshit.

OP posts:

RollerCola · 29/03/2014 08:14

Hope you're ok op, did he come home? Try to distance yourself from him now. If he goes out make the most of him not being around and remember how much better things will be when he leaves. I hope he didn't/doesn't cause trouble when he got in.

Original poster

Sk002 · 29/03/2014 08:28

Thanks Rollacola. He got in around 2am but seems to have gone straight to bed, after falling over himself a few times.
I need to have the next conversation with him about him moving out. I not going back to sitting at home worrying about how drunk he will be when he gets in and what he will say. Bad enough having to make excuses last night when the kids wanted to know where he was.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sk002 · 29/03/2014 08:29

Januarycat, hope all going OK for you?

OP posts:

Handywoman · 29/03/2014 08:38

You are doing great, Sk002 this weekend your mission is to get him to face the fact that he needs to GO. And soon. His passive aggressive silent treatment is merely prolonging things, keep driving this through, you are getting there and it will be worth, so worth it. Sending you strength you can do this.....

RollerCola · 29/03/2014 08:46

Glad he didn't turn nasty. He'll just be feeling sorry for himself and drinking will be his answer to blocking it all out and not facing things.

You're doing the right thing. This really is the hardest time but it DOES get much better, usually as soon as you can get him to move out. Good luck, you can get through this.

Original poster

Sk002 · 30/03/2014 14:37

Aaaargh! This morning he told me he can't change how I feel about him and he will just have to live with that BUT as I am the one who wants the split then he is staying in the house with the kids and I can move out on my own!!!!!
Am so tempted to call his bluff on this one but I would never do that to the kids.
I am feeling so low today. On verge of tears all day. Don't feel strong enough for all of this.

I have session with counsellor tomorrow. That is whart is keeping me going right now. Feel like I am at the bottom of a very deep hole.

OP posts:

outtheothersidefinally · 30/03/2014 15:29

Stay strong. It is hard. Very very hard. At the hardest points, remind yourself this too shall pass. It will. You'll never regret doing this, not really, not once you've processed it all.
You can do this.

RollerCola · 30/03/2014 20:05

How would you feel about moving out with the kids then? One of you needs to go, but unfortunately you can't force him to go if he doesn't want to. He obviously doesn't think you'd leave without the kids which is why he's said it, because let's face it he doesn't REALLY want to be left on his own with them does he?

When I was struggling to get my ex to move out, that was actually the one thing that got him shifted. I said that if he didn't move then I would. He was gone shortly after..could be worth calling him bluff? Even just temporarily?

januarycat · 30/03/2014 20:33

Hi sk002, sending you 'stay strong' vibes.

Handywoman · 31/03/2014 08:04

Let this new phase take shape slowly. It is hard - extremely hard. He is railing against your decision and needs time to see it clearly (grrr). Any chance you could stay at a friends with the dc?

Sending you 'stay strong' vibes also. You are doing great.

Minime85 · 31/03/2014 17:14

so sorry OP. stay strong vibes coming from me too.

loopdaloo · 31/03/2014 21:14

Feeding off your strength, I fear the end of my marriage is near.

Handywoman · 31/03/2014 22:23

((( hugs ))) for loop

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