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Original poster

Don't know what to do! Can anyone help me think this through?

35 replies

FullOfTestosterone · 14/08/2006 11:58

I wrote before about this, but keep going back and forth about what to do... I need help!
I don't want any more kids. I have asked H to get the snip 2 years ago. He never say nay, or yay. Just keep postponing it.
I finally decided I should be the biggest person, and get the surgery myself, since I don't want the kids. However, when I went to the preOp and heard details about the procedure, I couldn't help but feel very angry that I have to face all the risk of an abdominal surgery because H can't be arsed...
So, I finally press him really hard for his reasons. He told me is because I am always threatening to leave (which is true), so he doesn't want the snip to prevent a future relationship .
That really pissed me off. WHile I respect that this is his choice, it seems like he is sacrificing any possibility of the current relationship for the potential of a future one. Thus, we might as well finish this one, so he can move on. He tells me though, that he doesn't want to move on!
When I can keep calm, I have asked if he want other kids, and he says NO! He actually didn't want our second child either.... So is not like he wants another child, but he doesn't want to loose the ability to woo some younger lady to his coop. This kind of thought in a men so disgusting to me, that it makes me want to leave him just for it!
I thought if I am not staying with him than I might as well do the operation. The problem is, DCs are still really young, and although I am bloody mad with H, I am not quite ready to walk the door. If possible, I would like to solve things. But I know that if I do the surgery I will never forgive him, and if I don't I will forever unable to have a healthy physical realtionship with him... What do I do???

OP posts:
throckenholt · 14/08/2006 12:01

He told me is because I am always threatening to leave (which is true)

why are you always threatening to leave ? Maybe you should both deal with that issue first before you go down the surgical route for either of you.

welshmum · 14/08/2006 12:02

I think you need to sort out your relationship first - before either of you has surgery.
I don't think you can make such an important decision within what sounds like a volatile setting.
So are you happy?
Do you want to stay together?

Original poster
FullOfTestosterone · 14/08/2006 12:03

I want to leave because I am so tired of the constant arguing!

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 14/08/2006 12:04

What about other less permanent forms of contraceptive instead of surgery? The coil is pretty good.

But it looks like there's a lot more than the issue of contraception going on here!

Neither of you want more kids but he's hedging his bets about a vasectomy because he's worried he's going to lose you or be alone.

Do you love him then? You just sound irritated with him! Do you see a future together if you keep threatening to leave? I'd find it really hard if my partner kept threatening to leave me. I'd feel really insecure and constantly worried and that's no way to live especially if you don't mean it!

WinkyWinkola

welshmum · 14/08/2006 12:04

What are you arguing about?

Original poster
FullOfTestosterone · 14/08/2006 12:06

My parents argue in fornt of us constantly, and it was horrible. I don't want to do this to my kids.

I also think with all our arguments I have just lost respect for him...

On the other hand he is sweet, funny, a good cook, and loves his kids!

We've been together for 7 weeks , but had been really stressful the last 3 years, and I think we have totally neglected the personal relationship. So I don't even know what we feel for each other anymore....

OP posts:
TambaTheDragonSlayer · 14/08/2006 12:08

Sorry, I think he has a point.

Why should he have life changing surgery when hes not even sure the relatinship will continue?

I wouldnt do it - probably for the same reasons he has.

Original poster
FullOfTestosterone · 14/08/2006 12:09

7 years! sorry...

We argue about everything! and it is mostly me....
I come from a background where you just express your feelings all the time, and anything I say critically he gets defensive (he comes from a very repressed background), and easily the whole thing blows up.

I know I am not helping matters by threatning all the time, but I do get so angry! Have tried to get help for my anger, but the waiting list is huge!

OP posts:
jabberwocky · 14/08/2006 12:10

It does sound like you have more issues to address than just this one, but as far as contraceptives go do they have essure in the UK?

FioFio · 14/08/2006 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
FullOfTestosterone · 14/08/2006 12:12

But Tamba, I say either he want more kids or not, no?

If the problem is he doesn't want more with me, but might with others, wouldn't that mean that he is better off moving on?

OP posts:
Original poster
FullOfTestosterone · 14/08/2006 12:12

He is 36, I am almost 40.

OP posts:
FioFio · 14/08/2006 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FioFio · 14/08/2006 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

clumsymum · 14/08/2006 12:15

OK, so you keep arguing, you threaten to leave, he feels insecure ....... But you need reliable contraception, which suggests there is something good happening in this relationship.

"We argue all the time" "it's mostly me"

Well if it's mostly you, then YOU can do something about it. It won't be easy, you might want to look for anger management techniques (even a class). Spend time together, just the two of you, sort out the life you have together.

And for Gods sake, put sterilisation on the back burner for a few months, until the rest of your relationship issues are more settled.

TambaTheDragonSlayer · 14/08/2006 12:15

I cant put into words what im thinking without it sounding wrong.

I do understand where you are coming from, but I can also see what he means too.

I am pretty against sterilisation anyhow (cept for medical reasons) well not against but I dont think it should be encouraged, you never know whats round the corner and how your feelings and life might change, so maybe he fears that he might change his mind in a few years or something?

Original poster
FullOfTestosterone · 14/08/2006 12:16

That's what I think Fio... Is not like we are young chicks anymore!

Essure sounds great, jabberwocky. I haven't heard about in the UK though. Will have to check.

OP posts:
Reginald · 14/08/2006 12:17

Agree with everything clumsymum said

Original poster
FullOfTestosterone · 14/08/2006 12:19

err... clumsymummy...no, the physical business is horrible. I do try to not let it die, but I am absolutely terrified of getting pregnant again. I was hoping if we don't have to worry about it, we might manage to get a bit closer...

I had medical problems the last time, and we can barely manage life with two DCs. We both work full time, and have no family around to help.

Tamba, I have a tough skin, and would be happy to see sense. Do say what you are thinking, even if it is not nice...

OP posts:
Original poster
FullOfTestosterone · 14/08/2006 12:21

horrible typink skills..
"I had medical problems last pregnancy"

OP posts:
hermykne · 14/08/2006 12:23

if you argue alot do you actually have a regular sexual relationship? think oyu seriously need to work on your personalilities and work out what you "like" about each other, to stop the threats of walking, esp for your kids if you both love them so mcuh.

Blu · 14/08/2006 12:25

I think you need to go back a few steps.

Look at it from his pov 9from the things you have said here):

He wants to stay in a relationship with you, but feels uncertain whether you do with him.
He is therefore unwilling to take an irrevocable decision which serves the insecure realtionship he is in, but could narrow his options shuold you carry-through your threat and leave him.
You are so enraged by his decision not to have a vasecomy that it is almost certain that you WILL further damage your relationship!

Or: you're always angry with his, so he doesn't want the snip, so you are even more angry with him...

If he has a vasectomy to convince you of his committment, how can he still be sure you have a committment to HIM? You wil still argue and threten to leave, will you not?

tbh I think you are being unreasonable (a bit!) though i can see how it has reached this point.

Step back, have counselling together so that you can understand how it makes him feel when you argue / threaten to leave, so that he can understand that it's an 'in the moment' thing for you, sort out your relationship so that you are on the same wavelength...and you might even find that he is the one then willing to 'go under the knife'!

throckenholt · 14/08/2006 12:29

do you both need to work full time ? It may be that trying to juggle that and have a family and time for yourselves is just too much stress, and if you could work less it might give you the breathing space to work out the other things, and maybe you would not be so angry all the time.

welshmum · 14/08/2006 12:29

'On the other hand he is sweet, funny, a good cook, and loves his kids!'
Somewhere in there you obviously like him still. Sounds like it's worth investigating a bit to see whether you can rekindle the relationship.
I think it's hard to have successful sex if you haven't been mentally intimate for a while (which you say you haven't)
I'd stop with the physical stuff - you're obviously finding it difficult.
So....
Concentrate on what you like about him, put some 'dates' in the diary. Did you like going out to eat when you first got together? the cinema? Do some of it again. Get talking again - away from the house as a start.

Original poster
FullOfTestosterone · 14/08/2006 12:38

Wm, I do have tears in my eayes when I read your post. Yes, I do think I still ove him. But I am so tired of carrying this realtionship in my back...
He is always reluctant, scared, insecure. I know this comes with being sweet and kind... (but it is so tiring! is like I have a thrid child!) So, every big decision in our life came through my pushing ( even bullying sometimes...). Even when we started to date! We were best pals, and I was really into him. Yet he started seeing someone else. Even though he spent all his time with me! I asked him why was him with her, and he said - well, she came after me. So, i had to said, well, I am also after you... are going to do something about this?! It is funny to remember all this, but you know, it seems like we never evolved from there!

I would love to go out on dates. I even planned somes inthe past. But it is so stresfull, and he seems (again!) that he is being pushed through it! I decided to back off, and see if he would have the initiative. But no, he talks about it, but never actually does it!

OP posts: