Need help with dd and dh really need to change this

[Ledkr]

Ok so dd is 12. I've been with my dh since she was 5 prior to that I was a LP to her and her much older brothers after my xh left me when she was 8months.
Her dad was pretty inconsistent with contact until I put my foot down and he now sees her every Sunday for a half hearted half a day along with his family of dp and two nearly three girls.
She looks forward to seeing them and I am very positive about it all.

She has really never been nice to dh.
He is an amazing step father. Comes for a. Loving close family and has really put time and effort into dd.

She rejects any attempts of kindness or conversation and is what I describe as "scathing and dismissive" it's as if he makes her cringe and she appears to hate him.

Despite this he has continued to be steadfast in her life.

He always makes an attempt to chat to her and ask her about her day etc.Hes the one who will be in the sea mucking about while I'm sunbathing on holiday.

He helps her with her homework even if she's being rude to him all the way through.

We have a little girl of 3 and as was delighted when she was born and adores her.

Dh was very careful not to leave dd1 out and went out of his way to make her feel included.
After she was born and dh and dd went home he even made a little bed up in our room so that dd1 could sleep up with him as it was late and obviously it had been a long exciting day.

It pains me to watch how she treats him.

My sons and my mum have all spoken to her about it.
I have stay her down countless times and spoken about it, all she says is "he winds me up" or "I'll try to be nicer"

Personally I think dh is too soft with her and that is why she has no respect for him.

As time goes by I can see this is affecting the whole family.

Last night for the first time he and I rowed about it.

She was off school with a headache but he had let her have her I pad all day (which I wouldn't have) and told her that I'd be back form work at 6 and she'd probably have to turn it off then wtf?

Later she kicked him while we were all sitting on the sofa (I have no idea why, it was weird) so he challenged her on it and she was cocky.

So I turned off the tv and told her to go to bed (it was nearly bedtime) she started with the crying and saying no but I just repeated to go to bed and went into the kitchen.

I could hear dh saying "go to bed, come on you've been told" which did sound quite goady which just made her worse and after she'd gone up I said to him that I thought he was winding her up (although I can see why)

So he got really angry and shouted at me, this is literally the first time in 7 yrs I've seen him lose his temper.
Dd would of heard this as she was above us in her room.

He apologised later but I now feel we have reached the point that we need to seriously tackle this.

Any suggestions would be welcomed, I'm desperate.

Yes she does doesn't she?
One problem is that she has been on her I pad more and more, we have been lax. We take it off her at 9 but it has limited her time with us or just relaxing.
We will be ending that and limiting it much more.
We could try injecting some more love yes.

Can you recommend any mrs kent ?
I wonder if she needs to speak with an impartial person about her Dad?
She did cry once when they went On holiday, we had a big cuddle and I helped her to realise how lovely it was for her sisters to have a holiday.
She was sad that she wasn't part of the family
She stayed there last weekend for the first time and quite enjoyed it.

I have sent you a PM Ledkr

Thanks x

It is hard for everyone involved but especially for her who obviously loves her dad (even if he is not a good role model), plus you and step dad have another child together. Even if you are not consciously doing so she will feel 'pushed out' by you, her dad, step dad and the new baby.

At 12 she is almost a teen so will be having all those usual 'unreasonable' feelings towards family anyway, even if you were still with ex and he was violent, there might still be upsets and playing one off on the other.

You both need to sing from the same hymn book or it is not fair. Back each other up but not so it looks like you are turning against her. She may be growing up fast but is still pretty vulnerable (and will be pushing against the boundaries for all she is worth!!!!)

Not violent doh!!!

The ones I have used may be for slightly younger children, maybe "Mad isn't bad" is still age appropriate. You have tried to create a loving caring family and I am sure she can see that but she may also feel it's cr*p that she is missing time with her dad / activities or whatever she feels and it is ok to feel sad or angry. For the parents I'd recommend "The Heart of Parenting" by John Gottman, a brilliant book about how we adults deal with negative emotions and how that affects our parenting. Hope that is useful .

It's hard to say, really, because of the complexity of it all.

Did she start this dismissiveness and rudeness after the baby was born? Because with the way you describe messing about in the sea and the fact that she wnated to be with him when yu were in hospital, it sounds as if they had a good relationship then.

Maybe since the baby has been born she has been more aware that he is not her bioDad and so she is doing that reverse thing - making SURE that she is 'apart' from your DH and being in control of the destruction or lack of relationmship rather than feel a victim of it.

Maybe she sort of blames your DH for the lack of a relationship with her bioDad - or that she actually blames your DH for being her StepDad instead of her BioDad. Maybe the baby has emphasised for her that she would have liked to be hi dd, like the baby is - and an immature teen with unexplored upset will blame the dad for that.

Is he afraid to lay down firm boundaries with her? As a policeman surely he is able to be firm and clear? He definitely shouldn't have been 'ner ner' wth her - it sounds as if he was trying to make a sort of buddies joke with her, and he should have backed you up: 'You've been told - go to bed. NOW'. And you should have stayed in the room and not left him to deal with it when she refused to obey you.

Also, when he seems to side with her against you - like the iPad thing - he sounds as if he is desperately trying to be 'her mate'. Which is a) uncool b)actually asking her to be disloyal to you and get her on HIS side, against you. Even though being on the iPad is what she wants, she may really resent being used or feeling as if she is being used in that way. A confusing and conflicting position for her to be in.

Sorry you argued - it sounds as if your DH has a lot going on inside over all this. Maybe some family advice / counselling sessions between the two of you on how the dynamic with dd is played out?

There is possibly a very simple answer, that an experienced outside eye will spot straight away and give you strategies to work on.

Thinking about her family dynamics, she is surrounded by siblings who get to live with both their parents. She probably romanticises this and is jealous. I still think she has no idea why she acts as she does and see no point whatsoever in asking her to explain.

Hard tc know what really motivates your dd, but one thing that struck me is her age. My daughter became impossible with me at that age and I think in a way, at least in my daughter's case, it is almost like testing their parent to check that it really is unconditional love.

Yes johnny we were talking about that today! poor thing eh?

innis yes I've heard from many they are pretty bad! and she has definitely lived up to that fact.
She is pretty difficult at the moment but she's pretty much on and off been horrible to dh, in between she can be ok with him.

My friend spoke to her on Wednesday and she admitted being horrible because dh "isn't her Dad" and says she misses her dad which is weird as he's never been here that she would remember and dh didn't come along until she was five.

However it must have done her some good to get it out because she has been better and even spoke nicely to dh yesterday and said goodnight to him last night.

My best friend is very close to her so I'm going to ask her to just do some listening as that is possibly what's she needs.

We went to parents evening last night and the staff spoke very highly of her, she is a delight to teach, kind and funny were some of the comments so at least she saves it for home

We have a similar family set up I think - DS (13) has two small siblings here and two smaller ones with his Dad. I don't think the dynamic is difficult for him psychologically and it mostly works. (That is, we have issues, but not the ones here!)

I have no doubt that if DS could get away with behaving like a shit to my DH he probably would - (he is 13!) but he knows he can't. I think it might simply be a question of your lovely DH being a great safe kicking board for her. Not nice for him! The answer for me would be consequences for bad behavior, training her in 'respect' ie. telling her whats expected of her, plus lots of love.