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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you really love / adore / couldn't be without your DH?

82 replies

ElBombero · 12/03/2014 07:45

Because I don't Hmm

I do love him, we laugh together, he's a great father but all in all deep down I've always known he's not my soul mate. He's not very emotionally intelligent. He's doesn't get me really.

He has a great life, I do everything for him and the kids. I feel like he doesn't appreciate me at all. His lack of support became evident last night when I asked him to put our youngest (6m) to bed straight to bed after bath as I'm trying to instill a good night time routine (my DS is yet to sleep through Hmm I'm EBF so getting up in night is all me, I want his help trying to fix it) he said no he wanted to watch a film with DD and he couldn't do both.

There are two nights out of the week when he's not at the gym that he is supposed take over n I am go gym (or whatever). During the day on these nights he often rings and asks me to have them bathed, fed and ready for Film Night Confused WTF do I get film night? I ended up staying at home and getting DS to bed myself (he slept throughGrin) whilst he watched Disney.
There is a huge atmosphere, we rowed a lot last night in which he said some really hurtful things inc swearing, get out of his face, I'm tryin to stop him spending quality time with DD apparently etc. this was all done through text because we can't actually talk to eachother about anything deep or meaningful. he's not bothered saying goodbye or making me coffee this morning (he's always done this).
Right now I can't stand him and want him to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
ElBombero · 13/03/2014 12:46

Ok so just get a text asking about something every day stuff with kisses on the end, first interaction since row on Tuesday. I just replied saying that I was not willing to just sweep the row under the carpet and pretend it didn't happen.

He's said again I need to grow up, that he was sick of my soft ass mood swings and to let him know when I've snapped out of this one. Hmm

Think I need to right this letter and see his response.

BTW I am not someone who sulks, nags alit whenever fall out. His response doesn't really make sense

OP posts:
Original poster
ElBombero · 13/03/2014 12:50

JohnF 10yrs I'm 30, he's 40

OP posts:
Original poster
ElBombero · 13/03/2014 12:55

And yes painful, was easier dealing with our fall outs when I was childfree. I just went gym or socialised but I gotta be all happy n giddy with 2yo. All I wanna do is be quiet n think.

OP posts:
Timetoask · 13/03/2014 12:57

I go through phases!!

MistressDeeCee · 13/03/2014 13:12

He's said again I need to grow up, that he was sick of my soft ass mood swings and to let him know when I've snapped out of this one

The more I read through this thread, the more my eyes are stretching. Its the totally disrespectul, dismissive, unkind way he speaks to you that I find very, very disturbing.

OP what would you say/think if any of your friends told you their DHs spoke to them like this, treated them as if they and their feelings don't matter?

Im so sorry to hear you're going through this..you sound to be a decent woman and you don't deserve this.

But half of me wants to shake you!!! I saw earlier you said you wanted to stay together for DCs sake, I think? You know, what you are going through isn't to be taken lightly. It is IMPOSSIBLE for anyone to sustain this kind of treatment in close proximity for years, and remain emotionally well. I hope you will think about what this would mean for you - and your DCs. & your DCs won't necessarily thank you for being a 'martyr' for their sakes either. Not if it means growing up in a rotten home atmosphere.

At the risk of getting flamed (I think!) Id say - don't put youir life on hold for a man. Its not worth it. When a man shows you who he is - believe him. When a man shows you he does not like you - open your eyes and see it. I believe you only get 1 life, and its yours to live. Your H's behaviour will kill your love for him anyway, I can't see how anyone can sustain love with that kind of talk and behaviour. Whats to love, within that? Love yourself and look after yourself for god's sake let this emotional drain of a man go. As hard as this will be, I hope you take steps to do it. A few more years of this behaviour from him and you'll be on the floor.

The way your H speaks to you - Id never, ever talk to anybody like that. Its wilfully hurting someone. Honestly. Reading it in print...its disgusting. You're too good for him

AgathaF · 13/03/2014 13:20

Although I understand that you don't want to sweep the row under the carpet again, what has effectively happened is that your response has shut down communication again. Perhaps it could have been worded differently?

You two need to communicate, not shut each other down and ignore for days on end.

Original poster
ElBombero · 13/03/2014 14:16

Agatha i really welcome self criticism is this situation, if I'm at fault someone please shout up because of course I never set out on this journey to be a single mum. I just said I didn't want to sweep it under carpet (ie let's talk about it) his response on the other hand???

OP posts:
AgathaF · 13/03/2014 14:44

His response was totally out of order. No question about that. I just wonder if a response of replying to the questions he asked, then suggesting a chat to clear the air later when you are both home would have been a little less confrontational. That said, I can really understand that you must feel like you're hitting your head against a brick wall.

I guess some serious thinking ahead about what you want from your life, and where to go from here.

bella1968 · 13/03/2014 16:15

Everyone has there expectations of the other person in a relationship whether you realise it or not. I've been with my h 16 years, married for 10 with 2 children. I can't remember the 'in love' stage but would love to feel it now. Somehow or other it died and I believe it is to do with what we do for our partners/husbands, how we speak to each other, the conversations we have. If either one is not pulling their weight and really taking the mick then it does breed contempt and you lose affection/feelings/respect for the other and begin thinking they are a lazy good for nothing. When we had our children I was off work with them for nearly 3 years, it was great but everyday was the same, I didn't see him much at the weekends as he played cricket Sat and Sun then one evening during the week. I had to drive him as we only had one car so if we wanted to see him or him see the kids and me then we had to stay from 12pm to 10pm in some not very baby friendly places! It happened for so long everyday just rolled into one! I was supermom itself so my friends said and did everything. That was my big mistake!! which I sorely regret as now to this day he's never pulled his weight and I'm absolutely fed up. He's been out of work for 6 months now and sits at home with his ipad watching tv with all the mess (which he has ample time to clear up) all around him. However it's all my responsibility so my friend is coming one day a weekend to help me sort it all out! wonderful friend but really ..... doesn't he feel guilty???? I would. Apart from this which has always been there in the background and having stopped nagging him years ago, he is now frustrated with me and verbally abuses me and the children which he blames all on me!

ElBombero, speak to him as plainly as you can now before it gets too bad, sometimes being the person that 'does it better' is not a good reason to do it all as you will give yourself problems later on when you feel that you are too tired and fed up with doing it all and don't care how he does it just as long as he does something. Of course by then he may have just given up as he knows it's not going to be good enough. Tell him exactly what you've said here on mumsnet and how you feel, be honest with yourself and him about what you want in your relationship now and in the future. He has to understand and if he cares he will, obviously if he doesn't then you're flogging a dead horse I'm afraid. I hope for your sake he listens to you and wants to give you what you need.

Good luck.

Original poster
ElBombero · 13/03/2014 22:36

Thanks mistressdee. Your totally right, from the outset I would be horrified if any of my friends were staying in this relationship. Especially the way it is now.

He's ignored me all night we each made our own separate meals. The atmosphere is unbearable. DD at nursery tomorrow so I'm gonna sit down with a eon and paper and try and make hi understand what he's doing - wilfully hurting Sad

OP posts:
lavenderhoney · 14/03/2014 12:38

How did you get on, op? Hope it went well

Original poster
ElBombero · 14/03/2014 19:31

Nothing happened yet, I had to work last night and he was asleep when I got in. Lots of everyday chat whilst the kids are about today, he's calling me by my pet name again etc he thinks it can all be forgotten I know it. He's out tonight so gonna take the chance to get it all on paper Hmm times a good healer though, I keep thinking it would just be easier to let it go but I know whatever little respect he has for me (and that I have for myself) will dwindle further.

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 14/03/2014 19:42

Blimey I could have written your post!

It's awful isn't it, nothing gets resolved and everything ets swept under the carpet.

If you find a way to communicate then let me know Smile and good lck, I hope you resolve it with him

lavenderhoney · 14/03/2014 19:54

It is easier to let it go. Until the next time. And I'm sorry, but ime the next times got so close together there was no until the next time, it was permanently miserable:(

I could have saved myself a lot of unhappiness if I'd stopped trying and talking. But hindsight is a wonderful thing- talk to him and say you'll agree with him to give it 6 months or whatever you both feel comfortable with.

You can put a plan in place, baby steps, and see how each week progresses, maybe have a weekly mtg with him and you both air your issues. ( without wine:) it won't get better on its own.

Original poster
ElBombero · 14/03/2014 21:38

Yes that really rings true, it was probably once every 6 months maybe we'd have a row, this is the 3rd since our son was born 6m ago. Well he's home I've give him the letter so I'll see if he can be bothered doing anything with the content.

OP posts:
lavenderhoney · 14/03/2014 22:26

Talk to him as well, go through it together if you can. Give it your best non defensive shot, because its the last chance saloon by the sound of it.

I did the " we are supposed to be a team, we are in this together" and non blaming. Made it easier in the end. If you go in gentle and kind, just wanting things to get better together and admitting its not all them, then when and if they fuck you over, its easier to say " you know what? I'm better off on my own"

Good luck, keep posting, I'm not bitter btw, I love a happy ending:) and there are LOTS of different types of happy endings:)

Original poster
ElBombero · 15/03/2014 03:46

Mmmm I'm deffo not took this approach the letter is hurtful and angry Hmm very defensive and bitter. He read it and came to bed without a word, so I will bring it up tomorrow night and try to be calm and stop blaming him for everything (although he is to blame for everything!)

OP posts:
Original poster
ElBombero · 15/03/2014 18:53

Just asked him if he read it, said yes parts of it, it's pathetic.Angry
I asked him about a few of the points n he just was awful with me. He thinks I love in a dream world of how a couple should be, all lovey dovey but in reality it's not like that and it's obvious he thinks he's a catch. Sorting kids out now. Really don't know which way I want this to go, god I hate him right now

OP posts:
lavenderhoney · 15/03/2014 19:28

I see. So you're supposed to just suck it up are you?

Well, you could say its not the marriage you envisaged and it cannot go on. Is he prepared to make some changes? Be very calm.

If he says no, he's happy as he is, you can just say you aren't. If you're not, obviously, and see it all stretching miserably ahead.

Handywoman · 15/03/2014 19:49

He's just not hearing you is he. Your feelings don't sound like they count for much in his eyes. This sounds exhausting. Did you respond to him when he said you are living in a dream world? Has communication closed down again?

Original poster
ElBombero · 15/03/2014 20:22

I said that people should love eachother. He said if I didn't love you would I still be here. I said sure you would, you got it made here... I do everything for you. I used the line someone said up thread "all you do is abit of washing up and watch disney" he walked put of room n into bathroom were kids were.

He's again trying to put things under carpet, you want a wine? What you want for tea? I am answering him but I've just asked if we can talk and try to resolve things and he's ignored that comment HmmAngryConfused

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Handywoman · 15/03/2014 20:26

What a cock. How dare he ignore you like this. Grrrrrrrr

lavenderhoney · 15/03/2014 20:29

I'm so sorry. Its horrible he is trying to brush it under the carpet.

If he won't talk then you have to think what you want. You can't make him want to change or be a great dad and loving husband. If he won't talk about it and sees no need for you to be unhappy then you need time to think what you want.

Keep posting. It will really help when you read back, because if you do let it go, you'll forget how you felt, and how much easier it is to let it go, he is nice as he doesn't have to face what a twat he is, and you start to not care whether he gives a shit or not.

Handywoman · 15/03/2014 20:33

Very good advice Lavenderhoney. Very good indeed.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 15/03/2014 20:36

He doesn't care OP. He doesn't want things to change. He has it easy.

You don't have to settle you know.