Do you really love / adore / couldn't be without your DH?

[ElBombero]

Because I don't

I do love him, we laugh together, he's a great father but all in all deep down I've always known he's not my soul mate. He's not very emotionally intelligent. He's doesn't get me really.

He has a great life, I do everything for him and the kids. I feel like he doesn't appreciate me at all. His lack of support became evident last night when I asked him to put our youngest (6m) to bed straight to bed after bath as I'm trying to instill a good night time routine (my DS is yet to sleep through I'm EBF so getting up in night is all me, I want his help trying to fix it) he said no he wanted to watch a film with DD and he couldn't do both.

There are two nights out of the week when he's not at the gym that he is supposed take over n I am go gym (or whatever). During the day on these nights he often rings and asks me to have them bathed, fed and ready for Film Night WTF do I get film night? I ended up staying at home and getting DS to bed myself (he slept through) whilst he watched Disney.
There is a huge atmosphere, we rowed a lot last night in which he said some really hurtful things inc swearing, get out of his face, I'm tryin to stop him spending quality time with DD apparently etc. this was all done through text because we can't actually talk to eachother about anything deep or meaningful. he's not bothered saying goodbye or making me coffee this morning (he's always done this).
Right now I can't stand him and want him to go.

he sounds lazy, OP and that he considers you as a domestic appliance. Not a great position to be in

Well hasn't he got it good, all the fun and no responsibility, all on your poor shoulders, he sounds really difficult and no wonder you are frustrated, it's really not fair, there's no team work going on here.

What's in this for you OP? You're being taken for granted, treated like a skivvy, disrespected and you're not even getting paid. You're basically fuelling the entitlement fantasy of a not very bright man. Why?

If it were me it would be showdown time: either he shapes up or he ships off.

No. Mine is also pissing me right off at the moment. I have always known he is not my soul mate and feel the same as Katniss - I would probably miss him a bit (or miss being in a relationship) but I would be fine. I would not be brokenhearted and quite frankly struggle to remember whyw e got married.

Main reason I m still here is because I am too chicken to be a single Mum and to make that decision (he will go on for years and years in a shite relationship). Sad but true.

I've been here. Didn't end well, I lost most of my respect for him and we are separated now.
But, if I were to go back and change things, I would have got myself out of the house more, sooner-a job, the gym, coffee with friends, whatever. Sure communication and finding the best way to put things is very important but I think for me changing my situation and my mindset would be key.
In the longer term though, I do wonder if you should persevere with someone you don't love deeply and who 'doesn't get' you.

I love OH and I wouldn't want to be without him. That's different to 'couldn't live without him'. I don't ever want to be that vulnerable.

I can't get over that he called you a knob.

Have you talked to your DH about the name calling or have you just let it go?

DH and I discuss our days and life in general all the time. I can't imagine any situation where he would call me names, it just wouldn't happen. We are very respectful of each other. I hold him in extremely high esteem and I know he does me too. We annoy each other sometimes, but we talk about it and work out a compromise or apologise and move on.

My H has never, ever name called me in anger and vice versa. That is unacceptable.

Well it sound like he sees you as a skivvy. You're there to sort the kids out and do the housework and he gets to do the fun stuff. I can't believe he expects you to have bath done by the time he comes home, he's taking the piss!

My DH does bath and bed when he gets in because he hadn't seen DS all day.

Swearing at you isn't acceptable, neither is getting into a rage in front of your DD. Not on.

He doesn't ask about your day? Does he even give a shit as long as his tea is cooked and the kids are clean?

What do you get out of this relationship?

I echo the others. I love and adore my dh, I wouldn't say I can't live without him- of course I can, though I would rather not have to. But if he treated me like a skivvy, with no respect and quite frankly what seems some disdain, then no, I would not. He's treated me badly at times, i've treated him badly at times, we certainly annoy one another frequently, but we are never dismissive or thoughtless, disrespectful and lazy to each other. That's what your husband seems to be toward you.

'Have them bathed, fed and ready for Film Night'??

What are you, the staff?

No, because if you were, you'd be paid, and treated with more respect.

He sounds lazy, rude, and as if he wants to be cared for like a child himself. You do all the home care, and take care of household finances, and he does....what, I wonder? Watches films, plays on the trampoline, bit of washing up ....?

It's noticeable that he doesn't even try to defend himself when you have a go at him: just calls you a vile name and tells you to get out of his face.

So he doesn't seem to respect you, and doesn't really care that his contribution amounts to so little. Just as long as he gets his way, and you get the work, everything's ok?

Again thanks everyone for replying.

Bendybus that link made me giggle thanks!

And katniss don't be sorry!! You and annielewis have pretty much nailed it on the head.

Cerisier no not address, I told him he had really hurt me and to drop it for a while before it goes to far. His response was fuck you. We've not spoken since.

Were in the middle of a row and when were like this, it is shit, I feel unhappy and so so mad to the point I kinda wish it was all over with him, I feel I would be better as a single mum. but when I'm not in a row I'm quite happy with our life, we have nice things, have lots of fun together and well all the above arrangements I've whinged about kinda work.

Be if I'm truly truly honest with myself whether that be last week when I was happy with the situation or today when I could happily claw at his face, I regret settling down with him. He's far too old for me, he's selfish, we're not intelligently matched at all, and he's the social skills of a rat... And he doesn't love me enough.

But this is the situation I'm in, so what can I do? no doubt we'll break up once kids are older but until then it's not worth breaking up over, not to split the family up. Just wish I had holded out (like my parents said for the one, never settle) for the one, not that I believe in the one but for someone I adored, and who adored me back.

Not surprised you are so resentful OP

The name calling is completely unacceptable. When he gets in from work I think you should get out for a few hours, do something fun. Just pass the kids over (unwashed) and go out.

My own marriages died a death from resentment/non engagement in family life/misery and anger on his part. I regret not changing my actions sooner. Either he can step up and take on some of the hard graft of family life or he can ship out.

My own marriage (singular)!!!!

I am really sorry. It sounds miserable, and he sounds like a pig. I am not sure you should be holding on until the children are older. Making each other unhappy is a fuckload of responsibility to place on your children's shoulders.

Thanks AF

I spent my childhood wishing my parents would split up. Now I'm an adult df won't leave dm because it would mean leaving her alone with no money. They hate each other but are dependent, and as far as df is concerned after 30 years of coping for the DC, he still lives for us and has lost any sense of self. As long as we are happy he sees us and dgc regularly , then his miserable home life is neither here nor there he's forgotten to want escape, so used to the lack of love, he doesn't expect or want for more. He really deserves it. Don't end up like that

Oh, and I resent both of my parents for ruining what was otherwise an idyllic childhood. Great schools, social life, frog spawn, tree climbing, running like I would never stop, finding injured birds and helping them, stealing eggs from nests, oh, and dreading going home for the atmosphere and knowing I would be used in an argument (which your dh is doing- you're trying to spoil me and dds time together- I remember being used this way, I remember trying to get out of it by taking one side or other, childishly subtly saying after I had heard the argument 'oh, I don't want to do xyz anymore, I prefer to whatever I thought would stop the argument'. I knew they were together for us, and I felt huge responsibility- still do. Watching resentment build and canker is horrid. That's what I took from my parents example- bitterness, resentment, cruelty, name calling (always when we 'couldnt hear' )that's where I based my norms. And ended as a teenager with abusive relationships, emotionally unprepared for an adult respectful relationship. I had to learn that you don't treat people badly when you feel bad. I didn't know that it wasn't normal to be vile to the person you love- I have been abusive snd abused because my parents never separated when they should have.

Ask yourself why your self esteem is so low, that even when he treats and talks to you without respect, you say you love him?
You can tell a lot about a relationship by the way your partner treats you when things are not going so well.

He sounds like a petulant child OP. Try to get him to see your point of view but if you get to the stage where you feel like you are speaking into an empty bucket - dump him. Imagine how much easier life would be without him. It sounds like he is adding to your list of things to do, not helping with it.

No doubt we'll break up once kids are older but until then it's not worth breaking up over, not to split the family up.

Ask yourself honestly, what are the benefits of staying together until the children are older, if you are fairly sure now that you will ultimately split up?

Younger children will adapt so much more easily to you separating. Parents who stay together with a poor relationship give their children an unfair model of what adult relationships are like. Children usually repeat what they have learnt through their childhood. Would you want your children to be in a relationship like yours? They most likely will be if they grow up thinking that it's normal. If they're older when you split up, they will find it harder to deal with - may feel to blame. May also resent you both if they believe you stayed together unhappily for them.

From your point of view, your resentment is going to grow, his behaviour will probably deteriorate. By the time you split up (in how many years?) you will be older, have spent so much more of your life in this poor situation. So much less time left to get your life back on track.

I need your opinions on something else too. It's our sex life. We've not had sex now in 15 months

We have 2 DC (2yrs and 6m), after DD we were pretty much back to normal after 4 months (bout once weekly). This time he's had a vasectomy when DS was 3m. He's recovered fine with no complications or pain issues.

I started to brooch the subject of sex back at Christmas n got no response at all really, any advances were shrugged off. DS was sleeping so bad that I stopped worrying about it for a while.

At valentines though I hinted again at an early night/some lovin. He said yeah get some nice underwear on. I said I wasn't quite ready for strutting my stuff (bodies still not pre preg and I'm abit nervous about it will it being so long IYSWIM) so can we take it slow. He said slow was boring, I thought he was joking so laughed it but nothing happened that night or in the following weeks on Saturday night we went out for the first time post baby in which I wore some nice underwear. I didn't put them in for sex just felt nice as I was getting my glad rags on. That night on the early hours he started grinding up against me said my underwear was turning him on, he then cum in his pants before he got anywhere near me.

So what do you take from that?

For me I think he's only interested in me if I'm clean shaven n got sexy stuff on!!! It's just another kick whilst I'm down. I want intimacy not a shag

Its not about being a soul mate, op, its from your post originally it seems your dh has a different idea of parenting than you. He is a hands off dad. And a hands off husband it seems.

How old are your dc? Because it was only when my dc became less reliant on me ( long term bf) and his long work hours and time out as he needed to decompress from work (!) that I realised he never did anything and quite frankly had no plans to change. It was like having an affable lodger/ Disney dad in the house.

Do your dc expect him to help them with bath time, eating, cooking, tidying toys etc? Or is it a treat when he shows them attention? One thing my dh did that annoyed me was offer to do the school run BUT he would get up 5 mins before the off and take them. I still had to do wake up,, dress, lunch boxes etc etc. I felt like staff.

You have to ask him how he plans to be thought of as a dad by your dc. Did his dad do anything and does he have contact now? Then really, if he won't change then think if you can still accept and love him anyway, and if he accepts outloud he isn't interested and if that's the life he wants. And the one you want.

From your last post, he sounds dreadful, OP. He sounds like he doesn't give a shit about you in any way. I'm sorry.

You know what you are describing is not a normal sex life at all. Ok, so the er coming in his pants thing could happen to any (15 yr old) fella - but it looks like he made no effort to please you, no apology, no promise to try again...Saying 'slow is boring' was nasty. He really is not treating you respectfully about the house, about the children and about sex. It comes across that he doesn't see you as an equal or even as a friend. This must be very painful for you.

What is the age difference between you guys?

I think you got it spot on when you said, "he doesn't love me enough".