Can you tell the difference between an 'I am totally faking it' working mum and an 'I am totally working my butt off"working mum?

[Artemisia48]

Well I can but maybe I am wrong and I need the mumsnetters to correct me? Not a very PC thread but then I welcome the usual 'no bullshit/no prisoners' approach on this website. In short I am appalled by my partners' ex wife calling herself a busy working mum of two teenagers in her posh mansion paid by her ex, toying with her homeopath 'career' raking up to £2000 a year (yes your read correctly) and re-reading Harry Potter for the 3rd time whilst demanding a full maintenance and a rip off settlement because she cant really be arsed to live in the real world - the one where you have objectives, bosses to answer to, commute, deadlines, sleepless nights over who is going to take Sam to the dentists tomorrow and also a real pay check which pays the bills. For me and my friends who have been juggling family and very real, 3 or 4D stressful professional lives for decades now this feels like a total usurpation of ID and an unbearable bluff. Do you know the ones I am talking about or do I need to reach for the Rescue Remedy spray and smile to the imposter?

Reading every single comment and thanking all of you even the ones who think I am ze terrrrible and insecure one! But you see I just loved ZingSweetMango's post which proves that I am not that rotten after all... I could totally live with a 'faking it but nice and not breaking our balls all the time' kind of ex, let me reassure you. Forget about the 4D busy life it was an attempt to describe multiple pressure including the professional/financial one and not martyrdom. Overall I am a happy and positive kind of person however, I will stand my ground: somebody is not pulling her weight here (last time I looked a qualified homeopath could earn at least £20.000 p.a.), as a result of which her ex pays her a full personal maintenance and I work more than I sometimes would like to in order to compensate for our joint budget. So yes, the pressure is on me ultimately. Do I find this normal? No I don't. Some women can't generate an income for whatever reasons and that's fine but in her case, she verynwell can and she even claims to have a career. At this point please allow me to ditch the PC blah blah about working mums and the rescue remedy and grab a bottle of Sauvignon...

Mammadinggingdeep you are totally correct -'busy working mum' is an oxymoron and i shouldn't have put it like this. (maybe I don't word my messages very well, English isn't my native language). But there is definitely room for another conversation on a different theme about the definition of 'busy' and 'pressure'. Not all 'busy' and not all 'pressures' are the same. For instance you have toddlers, I have teenagers so your level of pressure is clearly higher than mine. I still remember those days and I am surely less exhausted than you are even if I resent taking yet another extra mission abroad (I work freelance) to pay for the summer holidays...

This woman's got nothing to do with you. Your partner has an obligation to pay child maintenance etc. If he's not earning enough for your liking or he's giving too much to his kids, dump him.

It's maddening OP, isn't it? DH's ExW and her DH drive around in brand new cars (ours are both 10 years old), spends hundreds on Christmas presents (ipads, iphones etc) and expensive holidays and days out. We can only dream of this! Add into the mix the fact that DH is paying for a 16 year old daughter he never sees (her choice, not his - he continues to try to stay in contact but she blanks him) and hasn't done for 2 years, encouraged no doubt by his ExW, then it does seem exceptionally unjust. Fortunately we have an outstanding relationship with my 14 yo DSD which just about makes up for the heartache.

But.... you cannot/ should not complain about supporting your own dc, regardless of the circumstances. They both chose to have them, they are both responsible emotionally and financially for those children. The fact that one earns more than the other, or doesn't appear to work as hard, is irrespective. It feels unfair, and it is so hard being a step-parent and 2nd wife, but there you are. I am sure if you were to split up and had dc, on principle you would expect your DP to make a token effort at financial support - even if you didn't actually rely on it? It's a statement of intent that you don't neglect your responsibility and will always be there. It means "despite the fact i am not here every day, i still expect/ want to be involved, even if i have moved on with my life".

comparing yourself to other women/mothers/people and making judgements about who is more busy/tired & whether this claim to being busy/tired/etc is justified or not is simply madness and pointless.

Why are you doing this? Why on earth do you care what she calls herself? Why are you even listening to what she calls herself?

Your P is obliged to support his DC. What his ex does and how she lives her life is nothing to do with you.

you seem to be far too focused and concerned with her life than is healthy for you. I would urge you to disconnect from this line of thought completely and focus on your own life.

As a busy working mum myself I'm amazed you have the time or energy for this level of interest in her life

To be fair beCool I think where the interest lies (especially in my case) is where the 'new' partner is inadvertently paying for the DC in some way. Example: i earn much more than DH. We split all bills including the mortgage but have separate banks accounts. he pays maintenance. The only 'savings' we are able to make are mine. I therefore pay for all presents for my DSDs, all holidays (including school trips) and also my own DS's childcare (and other) costs. I love my DH, and my DSDs, and this is why i do it. As someone else has said, i knew what i was getting into when i met him. But it does seem somewhat inequitable at times and i have some sympathy with the OP.

I do see you point a bit manta but you have chosen to do things the way you do. there are other options. If instead of splitting the bills equally, you split them pro-rata to your earnings (as there is a big difference), then you P would have more left over to contribute to savings etc (albeit on a pro-rata to you basis). It not his ex or children you are "subsidizing" but your H.

Anyway my point is, giving head space to such matters only harms ourselves. And we can choose what we thing/fret about. a change of focus is entirely in the OP's power and she would be happier for it.

Would you really want to be with your H if he wasn't paying maintenance?

Yes he would have more ££ in his/your families pocket, but you would also know exactly where you and your children with him would stand should you separate.

The maintenance in that respect is a positive thing for you all.

I agree (see my previous response at 10.18).

I am saying i understand from the OP how this situation can feel unjust - i am not saying fathers should abdicate responsibility. Neither am i (particularly) complaining about how things are in my family - regardless of how we decide to split bills, i cannot get away from the fact that i pay more because i earn more.

I just think until you've been in a certain situation (as i have) it's impossible to empathise. I've been with my DH for 12 years and would not have it any other way - i love his DDs very much. But those 12 years have given me a lot of experience of having feelings similar to those of the OP. You are right though that it's no use letting it eat away at you - the key is learning to live and let live. But it takes time to realise this.

CaptainHindsight you're not that far wrong AFAIK. From what I can gather Bach Rescue Remedies are flower/herb tinctures so alcohol is probably the main ingredient.

My friend's DP has teens and an Ex, and she is quite critical and sneery of the Ex not working or only working a small number of hours. Probably because she has worked very hard to have a good career. It does end up sounding like trying to be the better partner or wife, comparing oneself to the ex.

I think it grossly unfair to be so judgemental about a woman who is the resident parent to the two teenagers that her P walked out on. Who perhaps choose with the Ex that she would look after the children and sacrificed her career/job prospects to do so. Added to that she has had her husband leave her (possibly for an OW, my friend has never been clear on that) and is going through a divorce. I reckon is not unreasonable for her to be taking a while to build a new life for herself.

Now, the case with your DP might be totally different. Maybe he is a much more involved father and the split was amicable/her choice. But its bound to take time for her to build up her business and may be putting more hours in than she's getting money to show for it. (Privately, I reckon managing to make £2000/year selling small quantities of water with unproven medical benefits is a little impressive in an odd way).

Also if she previously wasn't working, of course she'll feel busier now that she is. Just because she isn't wildly successful doesn't mean she isn't working hard.

I might be taking umbridge at your comments because I am a SAHM with ideas about small ways to become self-employed and earn a bit of money which I would hope to increase my number of hours doing as my child/ren get older. If I had already started I'd consider myself a WAHM, even though I might not earn as much as other WAHMs.

I can see that your DP might value your career minded outlook if it is different from his ex. But try not to get involved in judging her, and if he does openly, I'd maybe start wondering what he'd say to his next GF if/when he moves on from you - oh she was so career/money focused she never had time for me... etc.

OP have you posted before? There's something quite familiar about your set up.

Op although I do feel your pain you sound totally jealous. Do what I did and resign and live off benefits joke.

I actually did resign as the workplace was unbearable and will be faking it until I get my next job.

I'm confused, you agree he should pay maintenance but that's impacting on you. Is your dp paying far more than he has to? Not that I think paying extra is a bad thing but if he's paying so much to the ex that you end up subsidising his living costs then I think that would frustrate me. But the problem in that situation would be your dp not his ex.

All your comments are really helping me out you know? Make me laugh too (ok less than the Fat Ball thread but still...) matana and anomaly have expressed much better than me what is riling me. Of course lots of details are missing in the story but in the same way we should avoid cliches about working (or not working) mums, so should we about men. please don't assume immediately that he did a runner on his ex, neglects his kids, refuses his financial responsibilities etc. as becool said I wouldn't be with him if this was the case. Also my P and his ex have stopped loving each other a long time ago so no one has been 'left'. The ex set up her 'homoepath practice' 6 years ago which is ample time to build up a business surely? She is the one banging on about her career whilst claiming a lifestyle someone else has to pay for. Sorry but it sucks and don't label me Envious for this? The reality is even worse truth be said but nobody would believe me as I am the Other One and therefore biased and jealous. so untrue,I just want more honesty and shared responsibilities. For the rest, I can see myself dancing in Pharell Williams' Happy video and certainly not in www.womenlaughingalonewithsalad.tumblr.com ...

thank you for www.womenlaughingalonewithsalad.tumblr.com
fantastic!

Her life sounds far nicer than mine. Good luck to her :)

Complaining about the money, okay, I can kind of understand. But complaining about her self-description, so what? People are bound to perceive their own lives differently to the way that you as an onlooker might.

I found out my exH was describing himself as a single father, in a way that implied he was the lone carer for our dc. Now, I'm the residential parent, I do the vast majority of the care, and he's never given me a penny in child support (CSA are on the case but he's fighting them every inch of the way). So his description of himself made me roll my eyes a bit. But seriously, it's not worth investing any emotional energy in it.

Do you just want us all to validate your view that she's a lazy bitch, and by implication, your DP is better off with you? Fine, you win the competition. Does that really make you feel any better?

Homeopathy is a crock of shit. She sounds like a faker and I'd know it.

(And does a 4D professional life involve travelling in time? Sounds fun.)

biblio I totally get your point. I and totally admire your wisdom too, I will use it as an example to take some distance. (i will still complain about the money though). And yes thank you very much for your validation of the View that I am a much nicer person than her, it makes my day and I will use it to post on the other thread '100 days of happiness' as my little treat of the day!

dadOnIce I love your definition of homeopathy
I don't really know where the 4D professional life is coming from, it was probably a case of stream of consciousness combined with frustration?... In my case it mainly involves travelling, managing clients and deadlines and multitasking but not always very successfully!

Always glad to impart a warm glow!