Can you tell the difference between an 'I am totally faking it' working mum and an 'I am totally working my butt off"working mum?

[Artemisia48]

Well I can but maybe I am wrong and I need the mumsnetters to correct me? Not a very PC thread but then I welcome the usual 'no bullshit/no prisoners' approach on this website. In short I am appalled by my partners' ex wife calling herself a busy working mum of two teenagers in her posh mansion paid by her ex, toying with her homeopath 'career' raking up to £2000 a year (yes your read correctly) and re-reading Harry Potter for the 3rd time whilst demanding a full maintenance and a rip off settlement because she cant really be arsed to live in the real world - the one where you have objectives, bosses to answer to, commute, deadlines, sleepless nights over who is going to take Sam to the dentists tomorrow and also a real pay check which pays the bills. For me and my friends who have been juggling family and very real, 3 or 4D stressful professional lives for decades now this feels like a total usurpation of ID and an unbearable bluff. Do you know the ones I am talking about or do I need to reach for the Rescue Remedy spray and smile to the imposter?

Ninah, the '4D' professional life is the one you DONT want to have ah ah ah! Never enter the 4th dimension unless you can't help it which is what sometime happens to me but never willingly let me tell you... I am a proper lazy slut whenever I can be!

You sound jealous.

You do sound jealous...AND bitter. You definitely got the short straw but you really should have thought all this through beforehooking up with your partner.

Presumably your DP agreed to her financial settlement somewhere along the line? Tbh, what she does for a living is none of your business. If your DP and his Ex agreed on the amount of money he is giving her, then she can do what the hell she wants.

Presumably your husband only pays for the kids, which is only right?

If your husband isn't happy with what he pays then can't he do something about it?

Plus, you are not responsible for his maintenance so why are you working like a dog?

I was about to ask that too Fabulous

Presumably his payments (spousal maintenance or contributions to the mortgage aswell?) were based on his earnings and assets at the time of the divorce. They would have been affordable based on what he earned at the time.

So unless he has had a massive drop in income, in which case he should go back to court and ask for a change in line with that, I dont see why you are working like a dog.

Do you mean that you have to work like a dog to have the lifestyle you want but if he wasnt paying her then you would have the lifestyle without having to work so hard? In which case YABVVU. You want a nice life then you have to work for it, if you dont want to work like a dog then downgrade your lifestyle.

His agreement with her happened before your time (unless you are the OW), you knew about this when you moved in with him and accepted it. What she calls herself is nothing to do with this, your jealousy at her lifestyle is screaming out of your posts. As if him not paying her will mean that you can be Lady of the Mansion.

OP what your partner and his ex wife agreed about their lifestyle and parenting is their business. If she works P/T & looks after their children, maybe that's what they agreed or perhaps your partner wasn't very hands on as a dad when they were married and she ended up doing the vast majority of the caring, housework etc. by default.

You do sound bitter and jealous. Why don't you focus your time and energies on the things you can change about your own life with your partner and not get caught up in things that are not really your business. Your partner's first obligation should be to the children he had with his ex wife before you came on the scene, I presume you knew about his situation and accepted it when you got together.

Jealous?? Argh. Not. ThinkAboutItTomorrow has summarised my feeling very well actually. Whatever your situation in life, and yes there are various different scenarios, just try and be honest, don't take people for a ride. And before I get shot down in flames for the wrong reasons, let me clarify in no particular order: i am not here to fuel the old debate of working vs not working mums (it would be a wrong angle for it anyway), I am not the cause of my P's divorce, he is a responsible with and honourable man willing to do what he has to do, I knew what I was getting into and fully accepted it. But i cant help my jaw hitting the floor after a year of proceedings, confronted to someone who gets confused between earning a living and having a hobby. It's indecent.

So he's paying for his own children - the horror of it!
And it sounds like she may have stopped working years ago probably a joint decision?
The settlement will have based on the circumstances at the time.
No axe to grind: I don't request any child maintenance from my ex, though I could.
But this is what having children and getting married means - it is no secret that you only find out on divorce that you still have to pay for them.

You do just sound bitter.

Not jealous and bitter at all. Such a shame your posts come across that way.

Cabrinha. As I said already twice I am NOT talking about paying for the children which of course is only normal!I could never be with a man who is stupid and irresponsible with his children. I am talking about the adults in the story, not the children. Why don't you request any child maintenance from your ex by the way? Why on earth isn't he providing for his children? I provide for mine and so does my ex husband. We still have a joint responsibility as parents, at all levels.

So the problem is that you don't think her job qualifies her for the title of 'working mum'? Doesn't really seem worth getting upset about.

I always cringe when anybody Describes themselves as a 'really busy working mum'. It always seems like a particular type of martyrdom to me.

So what is it about the money that bothers you then, if it isnt that he pays for the kids?

You complain of working like a dog because he has to pay maintenance, yet claim that you dont have a problem with it. Which is it?!

You sound horrible and jealous to me.

I am projecting because my ex's new partner (who was the OW) has the professional full time City career that I used to have and had to give up when DS started school (long back story, but discrimination, grievance etc). I am now retraining as a teacher so study, work part-time in crappy low paid jobs to pay for the course as all the teaching work is voluntary only and look after DC most of the time. Despite that she and my ex think I do nothing all the time and they are the busy ones.

I do get spousal maintenance and I bloody well deserve every fucking penny. I worked long enough and hard enough for it.

I am totally faking being a SAHM so no advice from me

and @ SirChenjin

What is Doreen suffering from, inanisifor, or something it sounded like. So joke lost on me.

Thing is DCs aren't there forever. And once they are gone how will she fill her life, more time for the hobbies? but the grass is always greener.

There's not much you can do except to take the Rescue remedy and smile. Or, don't take the remedy and just get on with your own life!

I understand OP. My DPs ex only ever worked in low paid part time jobs so she could continue to get more benefits and had a female partner she pretended was just a friend. When DP was out of work I paid his maintenance so my stepchildren did not suffer. Sometimes when working a second job to keep our heads above water I did resent her situation.

the one where you have objectives, bosses to answer to, commute, deadlines, sleepless nights over who is going to take Sam to the dentists tomorrow and also a real pay check which pays the bills

For me and my friends who have been juggling family and very real, 3 or 4D stressful professional lives for decades

So you are not a 'real working mother' unless you can fulfil the above criteria? I know lots of working mums & to be honest, I don't care how stressful (or not) their job is, how much their pay slip says they earn, or how long it takes to get to work, they all work hard. ALL of them.

Why are you so insecure, op?

What ar these 3d and 4d lives? I work full time, two small children and have noidea what youre talking about.
sounds like martyrdom to me

what is this rescue remedy? Is it gin?

off topic but nosey

Qix...do you work just out of interest?

It's not a martardom...some of us are bloody exhausted. Two toddlers, part time work, no help. Exhausted.

Mind you- I wouldn't a usually describe myself as a 'busy' working mum, just a working mum. That says it all, any other working mums get that...