Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bumped into ex at a party, he's bothered me.

75 replies

SicVitaEst · 09/03/2014 18:56

NCing in case this outs me.

I was at a dinner party thing at a restaurant on Friday where there was a get together with our group from the athletics club from uni (from years ago, some of us haven't seen each other for many years so it was a sort of reunion).

I knew my ex would be there, history is we had a relationship that dragged out over about two years - were seeing each other, then were together officially for 9 months for a very highs-then-lows type relationship, he was cruel and subtly crushed my self confidence, we broke up (I was devastated), 6 months later I had moved on, this made him interested again, we got back together for another 6 months . It had a very different dynamic second time, I wasn't happy with him, didn't like the person he was at all, but stayed 6 months because I didn't want to have wasted 2 years of my life and have no relationship to show for it after all the pain, stupid I know. Eventually I came to my senses and we broke up for good. Minimal contact. I got a little part time job in a hotel during my degree. Bumped into him a year later, chit chat, said I was also working in a hotel, he asked me if I was the cleaner, I said no, thought to myself "weird thing to say", carried on with my day.

This was 8 years ago! A year later I met my wonderful partner, relationship is fantastic, happy, respectful, caring and supportive, all the things that it should be (and my last one wasn't).

Ex graduated and went back to uni for a second degree, I graduated and got a job with an energy company. Bumped into ex a few years later, did the pleasantries etc, he asked what I was up to with work I said I got a job with an energy company, he said "so you go for to door with a clipboard and try and sell people electricity" I was a bit Hmm but said no and explained my (very different) job, asked about his degree etc. All dandy.

So, went to this party on Friday, he was there again, not seen him for about 5 years. I have recently just got a job I'm thrilled about. I was sitting chatting to my friend, he came over to say hello, how's things etc. He's now finished uni and working, talked about that, then he said "so are you still working in that hotel then?".

I know this probably really stupid, but he has really, really annoyed me. I've actually struggled to think of anything else for the last few days. Is he being purposefully condescending and trying to put me down? Or does the fact that it has bothered me so much say more about me?

I know people have worse things to deal with on this board, but can sometime please tell me if I have lost all perspective on this?

OP posts:
Original poster
SicVitaEst · 09/03/2014 19:58

Asked = annoyed

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 09/03/2014 20:03

he wanted to get a rise, he wanted to put you down, he wanted you to know how little he'd been thinking about you he actually forgot the last chance meeting. and it's all bullshit.

it IS because he was dumped and nothing to do with you. it's about making himself feel all big and THE MAN.

TSSDNCOP · 09/03/2014 20:37

Well box it up for now. You've invested way too much time on it.

In a years time, when he says some cunty little snipe laugh uproariously and say "God [insert name, but Dickhead would do in a crisis] how can you remember what I did eleventy years ago, I scarcely remember you from one meeting to the next. Now where's my lovely wine"

Holdthepage · 09/03/2014 20:38

You are bothered because he is deliberately insulting you. You can take comfort in the fact that he is doing it because you rattled his ego when you dumped him years ago.

rainbowsmiles · 09/03/2014 21:01

Hi. You are angry that he reminded you of the person you once were with him and you crumbled into the same person so easily- the person over whom he had control. You keep thinking you have left that girl behind and he keeps reminding you she's still there.

Take back control. Do not get annoyed at the comment. See it for what it was - his well tried and tested way of fucking with you. Fuck him and what he thinks. He is an arsehole. His comment is laughable if you think how ridiculous it is that he still cares enough and still wants to press your buttons.

Let it go. He can only fuck with you if you let him. When you see him again and he says anything again just laugh gently, smile with your eyes and ignore him completely.

Original poster
SicVitaEst · 09/03/2014 21:25

Thank you, you are so right, I know you are right. I can't shake the feeling it's not an act and he really thinks that little of me. It will be on purpose though, the exact reason, I don't know, but everything with him was always so calculated, so this will be too.

Rainbow, I fear you are right. I hate that my self esteem may still be low enough in some way that he can put me back 8 years.

Twunt.

OP posts:
rainbowsmiles · 09/03/2014 21:28

Total twunt

Hissy · 09/03/2014 21:42

Lovey, repeat this to yourself:

who fucking cares what he thinks!

Just because he was a loser prick then, why do you think he'd be any different now?

Smile and wave, smile and wave.

He's a wanker. Always will be.

NorksAreMessy · 09/03/2014 21:42

You say you won't simply ignore him because "that's rude".
You can look at this in a few ways...

The playground version... He is rude to you so you can be rude back!

OR you have no need to speak to anyone you don't like, and you don't like him

OR you have been conditioned by society that women are never rude, that they try to people please. Even when the person you are trying to please is an arse. That requires your best feminist arguments and some righteous indignation

OR you simply say nothing when he speaks to you and you look at him as if he were something you scraped from your shoe, or don't quite recognise. That is more than ignoring, that is haughty ignoring.

The man is an arse, he knows you got the better of him and has probably been dwelling on it for years, waiting for the chance to put you down.
Please don't let him have any more space in your head.

Twinklestein · 09/03/2014 21:59

He makes out hes just so laid back he forgot, but I don't buy it, not for a second

Not so laid back not to bring it up though eh?

Reminds me of a school friend who whenever I see her says comparably bizarre things, & I've just come to the conclusion that she is terribly insecure.

You did reject him twice: you dumped him (and it was quite a harsh rejection) and then again when you were getting together with your next guy, he came sniffing and you still didn't want him.

You clearly bring up stuff for him that he finds uncomfortable, hence the put downs.

Original poster
SicVitaEst · 09/03/2014 21:59

Because he is not overtly rude, as in he just appears to the casual observer that he just hasn't remembered our previous conversations from years ago, then if i am rude or ignore him then it looks like I'm the one being hysterical, IYKWIM.

I might go with something along the lines of "you forget every time I tell you, so shall we just say that I'm a part-time cleaner if that's easier for you to remember", smile, then talk to someone else? Or is that too barbed?

I know the opportunity won't arise again though now I have a plan!

OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 09/03/2014 22:03

I think just "no" and turn away would do fine.

LizCurly · 09/03/2014 22:03

Yeh that kind of rudeness is the most hurtful. But although I agree with rainbow's assessment, you also have to console yourself that he needs to cut you down! If you really hadn't achieved anything and if you were really a cleaner for seven years, then he wouldn't bother cutting you down.

LessMissAbs · 09/03/2014 22:07

I think the two comments that bother you are more aimed by him at bringing you down to a level that he feels more comfortable with. I think you're too educated and high achieving for him, and he is scared of that.

What does his fiancé do, incidentally?

Think about it logically. You have a decent job and pay your own way, no decent man would object to that. Alternatively, if he does, then he must be a golddigger.

LizCurly · 09/03/2014 22:08

sic, i wouldn't bother with that, he'll go away thinking, good, I got to her, she gave me chapter and verse there, she's trying to impress me.

So if you ever run in to him again, I'd just LET him think badly of you if that's what he wants to do. Smile and say no more than 'im good thanks' with a vaguely content smile. Then let him digest the fact that you don't need to convince him you ARE doing well. because it's a drama- bait. He is throwing you a drama bait bone there, and if you defend your career, you're chewing on his bone. I knwo I'm mixing up my metaphors here!

Twinklestein · 09/03/2014 22:09

Because he is not overtly rude, as in he just appears to the casual observer that he just hasn't remembered our previous conversations from years ago

They're essentially 'veiled insults' - no-one else listening would know, but the comments are barbed.

Sparklysilversequins · 09/03/2014 22:09

My ex convinced himself I was as thick as too short planks. I never really understood why. He seemed really surprised and couldn't hide it if I ever achieved anything. He is a bit like the way you describe your ex and it's not because he's trying to get a rise, it's because he does believe I'm all women are really dim. It used to really upset me that he thought I was so stupid until I just accepted that this was his perception of me and it would never change, he has very specific ideas of what constitutes "success" and I do not meet the criteria

CookieDoughKid · 09/03/2014 22:10

If it was me...I'd come straight out with it..direct to the twunt himself.

My response would be ',,,And so WHAT if I'm the cleaner/XYZ? I am proud I pay my taxes. What's it to you?'

Next time you see him, let him know that you know he was trying to put you down. And no, you're not looking for an apology but you got him sussed to tee.

The f*cker.

Twinklestein · 09/03/2014 22:11

If other people are there I would just look at him with a mixture of puzzlement and pity and say: 'Yeah I'm a cleaner' and change the subject.

Wuxiapian · 09/03/2014 22:12

He's an arse. Obviously always was and will be.

Console yourself with that fact.

tribpot · 09/03/2014 22:12

Yes, don't bother with the barbed reply, esp one that harks back to your two previous meetings, it makes it look like you care!

If he asks again I would just pretend to be unable to remember the hotel at all for a moment and then say 'oh the place where I worked as a student? Well, er, no' [subtext: obviously you utter tosser], looking at him curiously like you're not sure if he's even remembering the right person.

Evie2014 I can't believe your ex - what a complete dickhead.

LizCurly · 09/03/2014 22:12

I had an x (I finished it) and his mother told him "she probably felt like a bit of an also-ran next to you" .............. and he felt the need to tell me that. Quite pompously too, as though it all made sense to him finally and he was analysing me, and if I weren't so hopelessly self-destructive and neurotic I'd never have ended a relationship with somebody so fabulous.

God help him, what a fecking eejit. And his mother stoking his ego!

GiniCooper · 09/03/2014 22:18

No, no no. Don't mention the cleaner thing at all.
Don't give him information. Don't engage at all. Just go silent.

Give him the brush off and do not worry about seeming rude.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 09/03/2014 22:19

Hahahahaha.

Yes, you have him sussed.

He probably spent quite a while working out how best to 'duel' with you beforehand. Quite a while - in fact ever since the dinner party was planned. Imagine him on his daily commute, in fact- having little conversations with you in his head, his furious little face all red and screwed-up. Let's hope he drives and doesn't take the train eh?!

You bested him. You saw through him, and dumped him. You moved on better than he did and knocked him back when he came sniffing.

This is the best he can do, and he needs to do something, because he is a Little Person. Someone who still thinks of what happened and is furious about it. He can't move on.

Next time you see him, he'll pull a similar stunt, because that's the level he's at. The thing is though, he knows he's at that level and so do you. That's one of the reasons he's so mad. So, while you could go any one of several things - ignore, insult back, walk off - you don't actually have to do anything. Once he starts, grin - a real big 'this is funny, I can see exactly what you're doing' grin, and then just reply, very straight- 'No, I'm working at X' as if you're trying not to laugh. Or, just laugh. If you think of a few of these posts as he starts his 'heyyyy I'm gonna PATRONISE you lady' act, I'm sure that you'll be biting your lip in mirth anyway, before he's even got to the furrowed-brow 'tell me what it is you do again' bit.

He's a knob. Don't waste time worrying about your response to a knob! Smile and feel a bit sorry and be amused by it, and wonder at how stupid some people are, that they can't have the common sense to not do this stuff and look so insecure as a result. You're doing better than him. Everything he says to you screams out that he knows this, and hates it. So enjoy!

Viviennemary · 09/03/2014 22:20

He is just being annoying and sounds totally horrible. I agree next time say something like 'do I know you'.