Bumped into ex at a party, he's bothered me.

[SicVitaEst]

NCing in case this outs me.

I was at a dinner party thing at a restaurant on Friday where there was a get together with our group from the athletics club from uni (from years ago, some of us haven't seen each other for many years so it was a sort of reunion).

I knew my ex would be there, history is we had a relationship that dragged out over about two years - were seeing each other, then were together officially for 9 months for a very highs-then-lows type relationship, he was cruel and subtly crushed my self confidence, we broke up (I was devastated), 6 months later I had moved on, this made him interested again, we got back together for another 6 months . It had a very different dynamic second time, I wasn't happy with him, didn't like the person he was at all, but stayed 6 months because I didn't want to have wasted 2 years of my life and have no relationship to show for it after all the pain, stupid I know. Eventually I came to my senses and we broke up for good. Minimal contact. I got a little part time job in a hotel during my degree. Bumped into him a year later, chit chat, said I was also working in a hotel, he asked me if I was the cleaner, I said no, thought to myself "weird thing to say", carried on with my day.

This was 8 years ago! A year later I met my wonderful partner, relationship is fantastic, happy, respectful, caring and supportive, all the things that it should be (and my last one wasn't).

Ex graduated and went back to uni for a second degree, I graduated and got a job with an energy company. Bumped into ex a few years later, did the pleasantries etc, he asked what I was up to with work I said I got a job with an energy company, he said "so you go for to door with a clipboard and try and sell people electricity" I was a bit but said no and explained my (very different) job, asked about his degree etc. All dandy.

So, went to this party on Friday, he was there again, not seen him for about 5 years. I have recently just got a job I'm thrilled about. I was sitting chatting to my friend, he came over to say hello, how's things etc. He's now finished uni and working, talked about that, then he said "so are you still working in that hotel then?".

I know this probably really stupid, but he has really, really annoyed me. I've actually struggled to think of anything else for the last few days. Is he being purposefully condescending and trying to put me down? Or does the fact that it has bothered me so much say more about me?

I know people have worse things to deal with on this board, but can sometime please tell me if I have lost all perspective on this?

[scottishmummy]

The sassy retorts are people living vicariously pretending what they'd say
Ignore him,he's trying to get a rise out of you
There is a reason he's an ex

[noddyholder]

Trying to think of witty retorts is playing into his hands Ignore.

[AngelaDaviesHair]

You don't need to be sassy or clever though. You just need to look composed and convey a strong aura of 'I Don't Care'.

He: still a cleaner?
SVE: [smiles] No.
He: some other barbed enquiry
SVE: [smiles]
He: tries another tack
SVE: [blandly] Good to see you.

At that point you turn away smartly to continue your conversation or go and find someone else to talk to.

Just. Give. Him. Nothing.

[CookieDoughKid]

bubblegoose Classic!!!

[bubblegoose]

Next time greet him politely and get his name wrong.

[scottishmummy]

these type threads always elicit the sassy withering responses others would deliver
when in fact.its happend and op needs to file it under F for fucker
no sassy withering putdowns required

[EmmaBemma]

repeated myself there! sorry, is early.

[EmmaBemma]

I don't know why you guys are all suggesting things the OP should say! It's done now. She's had the annoying conversation, she handled it the way she did, and she's already (in my view) given it far too much thought. This was the first time she's seen him in 5 years and unless I've missed something, she's unlikely to see him again any time soon.

OP, you have already given this too much thought in my opinion, but I understand why; I'm sure I would be the same. I can seethe for Britain. But he's a dick, that's why you dumped him, so don't be surprised by him acting like a dick.

[arsenaltilidie]

Ex: so are you still working in that hotel then?
Sic: no I left that years ago, I'm an --- at (energy company). How about yourself, did you manage to finish your degree.
Ex: Yeah I did, I'm a now a dentist.
Sic: Really! good for you, I'm proud of you.

We've all been in this situation were our own reaction was more annoying than the actual situation.

[jonicomelately]

He'll be one of those dentists who'll insist on introducing himself at parties as Dr. Whateverhisnameis. Then he'll get all twitchy when he has to explain he specialises in teeth.

Seriously, ignore him. He hates himself, not you...

[Aussiemum78]

I'd also gush about the amazing man that you are married to now lol

[sykadelic]

You could try a confused look while repeating "Hotel?" then laugh in realisation and say something like "You mean the place where I worked part-time while at Uni? Goodness no! That was YEARS ago while I was still studying! I've been out in the workforce working full time and doing all that boring adult stuff now for years. You're studying again aren't you? How's that going?"

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

I agree with all of the above.
Also, imho, he does this for entertainment; his entertainment at your expense.
Same script, different day. Like a special mental channel just for you, rerunning the the same conversation about your employment. It has been a sure bet over the years as a way to use (and reuse and reuse ) you to score a point for his superiority needs.

He is stuck, as mentioned before. He can not let you evolve past the point in time your connection with him ended...thus the same comment.

Perhaps you can come to the point of seeing it/him as boring?

So I would do as suggested along the lines of giving him nothing, don't engage with him. His comments are like bait-just leave it. Don't look him in the eye, look over his shoulder. Don't stand square in front of him. Shift to be at an angle so his words slide by you and you can pretend to see someone across the room and (ten words in) toss him a dismissive "oh, excuse me" and walk away.

[Aussiemum78]

Is he being purposefully condescending and trying to put me down?

Yes he is.

I find it best to unsettle people like this with : a laugh, then a "compliment", like "you always make me laugh" etc. And something "gracious" like "oh I hear you are doing wonderfully, do you have your own dental practice/do you specialise in orthodontics (something he hasn't done yet)?"

If you act as though what he has said is hilarious/awesome/reminiscing and "miss" the point he was trying to make it will frustrate him. Then he will probably try even harder to put you down but it won't work if you keep laughing and acting like he is the wittiest thing you've ever heard.

I'm also put on my snide bitch act around these people too (I'm not usually like this!) and say things like "when we were in Hawaii last month..." "when we had the last renovations done...." I enjoy watching people squirm!

People like that always catch you offguard too, just when you are friendly and saying hi they stick in an insult. Just expect it when he rocks up.

I'd only bother if you are with a third person, otherwise I'd say Oh hello, I just see someone I need to speak to will you excuse me for a moment?" and walk away!

Is your husband going to the next one? I'd make sure he's all dressed up and charming, just so the bastard feels more insecure than he does already.

[Qix]

The trouble with planning a withering put down is that next time he might try it from an unexpected angle and you'll be left fuming again.

I'd go with a general air of bemusement at whatever he says.

[MistressDeeCee]

OP - he's an idiot. Putting you down publicly to embarass you. He's a man who feels inadequate about something or other. Take no notice. He needs to get a life.

[SheherazadeSchadenfreude]

What is it about patronising men? I used to work with someone who used to patronise me all the time - "Oooh, poor Sheherazade, have you not been promoted yet? Well best to just enjoy the work at your current grade, eh?"

Several years later, he applied for a job in my department. I'd got accelerated promotion in these years and was more senior than him. I went downstairs to collect him, and he was all "Oooh, Sheherazade, are you doing the admin for the panel then?" I snapped "No, I'm chairing the interview panel." Strangely, he didn't perform very well and didn't get the job.

You are well rid of this nob, SicVitaEst. I think if you meet him again, either "Sorry, do I know you?" or maybe "Working in a hotel? Oh I think you must be confusing me with someone else."

[Bogeyface]

line

May I suggest the good old fashioned MN

"Oh do fuck off dear :)"

[scottishmummy]

I agree

[LineRunner]

In life, there is always a place for a good, old-fashioned, 'Just fuck off.'

[scottishmummy]

Ok threads like this people brag the sassy reply they witheringly deliver
In reality we'd mostly be cross but remain composed,and think it over later
Ex is purposefully trying to belittle you,he's insecure so he attacks you,so politely ignore

[Twinklestein]

His insecurity doesn't have to actually be about your career, it's more likely to be about rejection & this is how he's expressing it.

[SicVitaEst]

Tribpot that's a good one too, I like that one.

You're all so much better at this than me!

[SicVitaEst]

Evie that is awful!

[SicVitaEst]

He and his fiancée both finished dentistry last year, so both stating great careers (his second degree, her first, think they met on their course) so no reason for him to be insecure about my career, which is in a very different field and definitely not as outwardly "prestigious".