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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Oh FFS

76 replies

Rooners · 09/03/2014 13:58

I'm just venting.

ds's father was meant to see him last week. He rang when hewas already late saying his car wouldn't start. We had to go out, I had to take ds with us though there wasn't enough room in the car as I was collecting a piece of furniture. Brilliant.

Anyway I said I'd call when we got back so I did, he was going to come round then, but went on and on about the car on the phone and decided he was going to fix that instead...he said he could come this weekend though, Sunday teatime was agreed.

No word till about an hour ago - I got a very vague voicemail saying that he would love to see ds during the week, but not actually saying he wasn't coming today, so I sent a text back saying I couldn't understand and was he not coming?

Text back from him saying no, he can't make it though he came round this morning well that's f-ing great, because we didn't expect him then, and had gone swimming.

He's such a CUNT.

I really feel like fucking him off totally. I told ds he wasn't coming, ds just rolled his eyes. He doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

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Original poster

Rooners · 10/03/2014 14:41

*got

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Original poster

Rooners · 10/03/2014 14:42

Have sent a very very long text explaining why it is so crap.

Hmm. Have to go out to school now.

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JuliaScurr · 10/03/2014 14:53

god, these bloody men
I think of them every time I hear Fathers for Justice whingeing on

PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 10/03/2014 14:55

Ah ok, well personally i think both you and DS would be well rid of him, you've tried (and i wouldn't have given the history) and he is still fucking about. Seriously, what is the point to this man?!

Lweji · 10/03/2014 15:18

Yes, definitely let him do the work.

WhereOWhere · 10/03/2014 16:49

Its really difficult, isn't it?

My XH was always useless at contact with DC and was forever letting them down, and I used to get shouty and upset which didn't help them at all.

I think if I'd let XH do the work of organising contact, then maybe he would have found a way that he wouldn't have kept fuckin' up. It wouldn't have been often, and it wouldn't have been for my benefit, but I think it would have happened occasionally.

By the way, now the DC are teenagers they make their own arrangements with XH - not often, but there is contact which is very important to them and they love him, but acknowledge he is quite useless.

Also I tip him off about important things happening in their lives - exams etc - and prompt him to send a good luck text etc which matters to them. And really they are all that matters in this sorry mess.

Good luck.

bibliomania · 10/03/2014 16:51

Good post, Where.

Original poster

Rooners · 10/03/2014 17:05

Yes Where that is a good post. I needed some perspective.

I think I get lost in the thing of, if it were a relationship I was having (and actually did have, with him, years ago) I would want to tell him to get to fuck.

But because it is ds, not me, I don't feel that enfranchised to actually make that break on his behalf.

It is so hard watching a small boy get screwed over by a grown up man who ought to know better.

I think my long text mentioning ds's response actually got through to him. He was breezing along thinking his kids love him and don't notice he is such a fuckwit. When I told him ds rolled his eyes, he seems to have sat up and taken notice because it means he isn't pulling the wool over this child's eyes any more.

He can bluff his way with me, but not with ds. That is too much for him. He doesn't want us to think badly of him.

So he has apologised and said he was too impulsive. He has also said he doesn't blame me for being out.

I've told him that he's got to be in or out really - either he is here for ds, or he walks away and tbh I would not blame him if he did walk away, but if he chooses to stick around in his child's life, he has to step up and treat him properly.

Think we are getting somewhere but I don't believe he will change sadly. At least I have made him think.

He's usually all about 'Oh my teenage daughter texted me and wanted to meet up for a beer, first time in 6 months, isn't it great how much she doesn't need me?'

Just so deluded.

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gamerchick · 10/03/2014 17:11

I could write a story in my ex but I won't.

Don't stop contact.. don't get into rows. Let him do the running but don't tell the bairn. If he let's him down don't reply or wait around for hours etc.

We reap what we sow with our kids when they are older.. He will as well.

Original poster

Rooners · 10/03/2014 17:27

Thanks Gamerchick...

I wondered about suggesting we knock the monthly arrangement on the head, and he and ds just text each other now and again - because he only cares what ds thinks of him, not me - and then they can arrange to meet up as and when, though ds will have to clear it with me.

I think that would take the pressure off while keeping the door open. He always responds well to ds. If it's me as interim, he walks all over us both.

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Original poster

Rooners · 10/03/2014 17:27

Or is that giving ds too much of the handling?

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PedantMarina · 10/03/2014 17:53

"all he wants is someone to listen to him rattle on..."

I disagree, Op. at the rate he's going he'll probably be needing a liver donor soon. Does he know what blood type DS is?

PedantMarina · 10/03/2014 18:06

PS, FTR he is a wanker.

Just read the "don't blame you for being out". what an -magnanimous prince asshole.

Original poster

Rooners · 10/03/2014 18:25

Thanks

For what it's worth, he said 'that is the last thing I want, I love him'.

So in denial.

I said 'well you had better find a way to make that clear to him, because he hears what you say, and sees what you do, and it doesn't add up.'

He said he understands now. HOORAY because it is quite painful texting on my phone!

I don't foresee any great changes. But I think I got the point across.

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Original poster

Rooners · 13/03/2014 10:59

Just updating for anyone that might be interested - me and ds have talked it through and made a plan, that we will be here and available every month on the usual day, at the usual time, and assume he is coming.

If he isn't coming, he has to let us know by the Friday before, so basically 48 hours notice. If he can't come, then he can wait till the next month.

He's always saying 'Oh we are so flexible, isn't it great, being able to change the day when we need to etc' well it's only ever him who needs to.
I don't know if I am being unfair - their kids (not his by birth) are all left home except for a teenager. They don't have a lot of family commitments - so is it unfair to try and get him to commit to his original plan of once a month?

Without any flexibility at all on our part any more? I think the more we let him mess about, the more he will take the piss iyswim - that's what normally happens.

DS is happy with this plan which is the main thing. I think it's along the lines of what some of you have recommended. And if he is late - say 10 minutes late - without a call - can we then go out?

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bibliomania · 13/03/2014 11:20

Sounds like a plan - although I'd suggesting reviewing it in a few months to see if you and ds are still happy.

10 mins seems a bit tight (although I'm from Ireland and growing up, time-keeping was more.....flexible so 10 mins late wouldn't even register as late with me). I'd be more inclined to leave it 30 mins.

livingzuid · 13/03/2014 12:16

Yes that sounds like a good idea. Maybe leave it half an hour before disappearing to do something else? Your DS needs routine and stability so if he makes a fuss you can couch it in those terms. Sod doing what's easiest for your ex, do what is best for your son :)

Original poster

Rooners · 13/03/2014 12:39

Thank you both - wondered about the timing thing.

But ex only sees ds for 2 hours or so.

So half an hour is quite a chunk out of that.

We will review it as we go along. I just wasn't sure if I was being too harsh by refusing to change days any more.

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FabBakerGirl · 13/03/2014 12:45

Why wouldn't you blame him if he walked away from your son?

You need to stop bending over backwards for your ex as it isn't actually getting you anywhere is it?

He is a prick saying he doesn't blame you for being out. He really thinks he is the big I am and you care what he thinks, doesn't he?

I would maybe not tell your son when his "father" is meant to be coming so he isn't disappointed time and again.

Lweji · 13/03/2014 12:46

But if he is late 30 min it's his problem.
What happens if he wants to return DS late, though?

Whatever time you are prepared to wait, just let him know. He can adjust his timing to that.

It doesn't mean that you can't still be somewhat flexible, but you don't have to change plans to accommodate him.

livingzuid · 13/03/2014 12:48

Oh only 2 hours? Well ten minutes is plenty in that case.

I just used half an hour as that was what my mum allowed for my dad given traffic etc. It's what you are comfortable with at the end of the day.

Lweji · 13/03/2014 12:50

According to a friend, the judge in her case said that children expecting contact is a good thing.
I don't know about disappointment, but the main loser in the long run is the father if he doesn't keep up contact. Us, the resident parents just have to support them and keep our children's self esteem high, by being loving and supportive and letting them know that if the father is acting as a twat is not because of them.

Original poster

Rooners · 13/03/2014 13:10

Thank you...he only lives 5 minutes drive away, so traffic is unlikely to be an issue particularly on a Sunday morning.

Hopefully he will revert to the short period of time when he was turning up on the dot every month. For a while anyway.

He cares far more what people think of him than about seeing ds - he's repared to gaslight to this end, repeatedly. He's always been like this.

Fab - what I meant was, he didn't want a child with me, and when it happened I felt bad about it, and our relationship was complicated and so his walking away seems like in a way, it would be 'understandable' - as in him standing by his own feelings on the matter. (Though obviously sad for ds.)

Instead of pretending he is this wonderful loving father when in fact he's not interested (except in what other people think of him).

Asking this man to be honest and own his decisions/behaviour though is a mountainous waste of energy - he never will. He is very, very selfish, very screwed up and a complete liar in almost every situation.

Thanks again for all your support, everyone. Think we are getting somewhere - not in changing him, but in making our own boundaries together.

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FabBakerGirl · 13/03/2014 14:27

If he didn't want a child he should have used contraception. You did not do this on your own. Stop taking all responsibility. He is responsible for ALL his own actions and if he thinks it is fine to let his son down time and again then he needs to be not given the chance anymore.

You are a great mum. Your son doesn't need a part time dead beat dad.

Original poster

Rooners · 13/03/2014 15:58

Thank you Fab. I know I'm not the best mother but I console myself with the thought that at least I am here.

I'll probably post about him again in a few months when he's not turned up...

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