Oh FFS

[Rooners]

I'm just venting.

ds's father was meant to see him last week. He rang when hewas already late saying his car wouldn't start. We had to go out, I had to take ds with us though there wasn't enough room in the car as I was collecting a piece of furniture. Brilliant.

Anyway I said I'd call when we got back so I did, he was going to come round then, but went on and on about the car on the phone and decided he was going to fix that instead...he said he could come this weekend though, Sunday teatime was agreed.

No word till about an hour ago - I got a very vague voicemail saying that he would love to see ds during the week, but not actually saying he wasn't coming today, so I sent a text back saying I couldn't understand and was he not coming?

Text back from him saying no, he can't make it though he came round this morning well that's f-ing great, because we didn't expect him then, and had gone swimming.

He's such a CUNT.

I really feel like fucking him off totally. I told ds he wasn't coming, ds just rolled his eyes. He doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

Yes, was going to suggest what bogey said.

My dad was like this. So when he was supposed to have us but never showed up my mum would always have something planned for us that could be cancelled at the last minute if he did appear. We never knew he was coming so it made no difference to us. She was fed up of him continually letting us down.

As for contact with grandparents, she used to arrange visits directly with them and just let dad know. So if he wanted to grace us with his presence he would sometimes it worked out pretty well.

Your ds sounds pretty switched on as do you :)

Thank you all so much. Deaky and Living, I'm so sorry you have had this sort of crap to put up with. It is hard to know for me how it affects a child in ds's position. My parents were both there for me...ex's dad wasn't around much so maybe that has a bearing.

Have thought an awful lot and come to some conclusions - some are the same as what you have posted. You got there before I did, these things take me a while to process (have known this man over 13 years)

Basically when it was just me and him, he treated me this way - turned up on the wrong day, didn't turn up when he had said he would. He changed the plans constantly, because he felt he had to I think, total commitment phobia. I don't think he even knew he was doing it really.

One time I pre-empted him, knowing he was likely to dump me (he did that a lot) I turned up and said, 'You're going to dump me aren't you'. To which he looked absolutely shocked and blustered 'No of course not!' ahem.
So if I thought one thing, he had to make it another.

He dumped me the day after instead

If it were just me, I would go no contact, because otherwise you are totally stuck in the trap of 'I love him, I want to see him whenever I can' while he is merrily playing hell with your feelings and arrangements. I did that for years

I think when someone loves you, they are there for you. He clearly didn't love me (though he said he did) it was all just part of a big drama in his mind - I served a purpose but I still don't know what it was.

Ds is the same - he serves a purpose to his dad but no one, including his dad, knows what that is. I don't think he does love ds.

Not really.
He has done this before to other people, other children.
He is always there for his step children and his new wife.

That's gotta tell you something really - having offered to bring ds to him last week, having been open to changing the day, the week, whatever - he still finds reasons not to see him. It's like, ex is torturing himself (and ds) on purpose as that's what 'love' is, to him. Not being able to see someone.

I think boarding school may have had something to do with it

Anyway as it isn't my relationship, but ds's, I've explained to ds that what his dad is doing is wrong, and unfair, and hurtful, and that ds is worth more than that, but I don't want to make the decision for him as that wouldn't be right? I don't honestly know what's right.

Upshot is ds doesn't want to see his dad 'for a while'.

How can a 10yo make this sort of decision - I don't know. If his dad does contact me today he is in for a hell of a fight.

I intend to start with 'What the hell do you think you're playing at' and go on from there...he will apologise and expect to be invited to see ds after school. Not happening.

Regarding the Granny, I have no idea what she thinks at all, as I've never been allowed to meet her

It's all bloody mad.

I'd set defined times for him to see DS so that you'd be at home anyway and if he didn't show up within a certain period you could go out.
Always assume he's not going to show up.

My 9 year old has decided he wanted to stop seeing dad. I managed to mediate and he's talking again, but as exH is going I don't think it will be for long. Children can be very clear about what they want

Thanks Lweji. I wish my son would be so clear.

He seems not to take ex's actions as hurtful, in that I suppose he has never considered him a reliable parent in the first place so there's no 'bond' really. He's like a family friend or something, to ds.

Ds therefore has no expectations. When I told him his dad wasn't coming, he rolled his eyes and made a face and carried on watching his programme - and later when I said daddy had offered to come after school, he said 'well he could just come after school?' and I had to explain why it was that I was pissed off.

A few months ago I had ex on the phone making some excuse or other and I mentioned that ds hadn't been very bothered the previous time.

His words were 'Good lad', in an affirmative sort of way - like he's proud of his son for not displaying any emotional reliance on him.

What a cunt this man is. He's so screwed up, it's laughable.

Just had a voicemail (am going to turn it off henceforth as it gives him the easy option of lying to a machine)

He says he did try to get back in time, (which he didn't anyway - it would normally be 10am) and 'forgot' we had said teatime (bollocks) and what stopped him from checking with me anyway...in his own head, he is telling the truth as it's become the truth to him, because he can't quite believe he is so shit.

He wants to arrange a visit next weekend instead and we're busy anyway as it's a family birthday.

I don't want to call him back. Any ideas for a text? I really don't know what to say.

Have written a reply.
'No thank you, we are busy next weekend (bit about birthday) but being honest I really don't fancy making more plans when the last few times have been such a fuck up.
It feels as if you just don't want to bother. Do you? Honestly?'

Do you think this is Ok>

Reply. 'You can't be further from the truth. I busted a gut to see ds this weekend'.

Me: 'Then why didn't you let us know you were coming?'

No reply yet. Hope he isn't coming over.

How did he bust a gut?

He is taking shite.

I know. But thank you very very much for agreeing! That really helps...I am starting to wonder if I'm being unreasonable.

He is very passive aggressive. Very victim mindset. He doesn't like me taking that position - I'm not allowed to feel wronged in any way.

I feel a bit gaslighted too.

Don't try, do it comes to mind.

Also, "no" is a complete sentence. You don't have to justify yourself or engage with him.
You do need to distance yourself emotionally from this. They draw pleasure from it.

Personally, I don't really care anymore. I used to rush things to get home on time for DS to talk to his dad on skype, only for him to cancel at the last minute. I don't allow our lives to revolve around contact anymore. If we are home, fine, but if something else comes up, then it does.
And we have two 1h slotsper week for them to talk. If it's missed, then we may rearrange it or not. There's less uncertainty and messing about. The rest of the time, it's life as usual.

Tell him to save his gut-busting for sticking to what he has actually pledged to do, and if that's too much trouble, he should drop the pretence of caring, do the decent thing and leave your son alone.
And then switch your phone off.

That sounds brill, Lweji.

I am now in a text argument. I am keeping it in this format as he will bluff and bluster and talk shit on the phone.

He's now said 'could not predict time of arrival. Got there in good time (he didn't - he was an hour later than our normal time) called round, rang you.' (he rang after, at 12.30, when I was in the pool still)

He also says 'don't forget last week wasn't my fault'.

I have reminded him that I offered to bring ds round to his but he declined and that he shouldn't forget January's fiasco either.

Gave him an inch and he took about a hundred miles.

Sorry - will try to disengage. But I have to have this out with him. I may stop posting all his messages on here though

Clam I feel that one coming on. And yes will switch off the phone after that.
Honestly I could strangle this man.

One last text that says 'I don't understand why you would think that' or something along those lines. I think that's what he means.

I haven't replied and I won't. He can knob off.

Thank you so much for the support, everyone.

I don't know if it will help to "have it out". As you said yourself, it just reinforces his sense of himself as victim.

If your ds is happy to see him as a family friend who sometimes pops round, I'd be inclined to treat it like that. If he asks to come when busy, just text "Sorry, busy". If he suggests a time that suits, say fine, but don't put yourselves out. Just get on with your lives.

Don't dance to his tune, but don't turn it into a battle either. It's not worth your energy. He has very little to give as a father. I wouldn't go out of my way to block him giving that little bit, although I wouldn't bend over backwards to facilitate it either.

That's very well put, Biblio - thank you. Yes, I don't want to cut him out completely - he has something to give, but is just not available most of the time to give it

You're probably right about not having it out. I was just so indignant that he could treat ds like that.

He is coming across as though he totally thinks he tried his hardest and is a victim of some campaign by me.

I hate arguing and so does he.

I'm going to leave it now - have said my bit and he will just have to try again next month if he can be bothered.

I bet he doesn't.

You ARE allowed to feel anything you want. He isn't the boss of you.

Thanks Fab. I don't know if I should text again or not. Probably not.

I want him to know what ds thinks of him...he assumes children don't notice when he walks all over them. I think he ought to know. But it's not my job to tell him all his faults is it...

have been reading some good stuff on Baggage Reclaim this morning. She is very helpful.

Ah Rooners, let it out.
I may sound like I don't care to him, but my friends and colleagues end up hearing about my feelings. :)

I think my mother has heard enough about him to last her a lifetime...

With mine you wouldn't think we just got DS talking to him again. Barely. He has already messed up two Sundays in a row. On the first one, DS refused to talk to him because he was 20 min late to the alternative time. So proud of my boy. :)

They are twats.

But it's their loss, you know that.

God he sounds like a nightmare, i couldn't be arsed wasting half my life waiting to see if this man showed up or not.

You say your DS didn't know him until he was 7, why is that?

Good boy Lweji's ds!

PublicEnemy, he fecked off when ds was 1 and a half. I found out he had been living with someone else while seeing me and get quite cross about that. And he decided not to come round any more, or answer my calls or see ds again.

I found him when ds was 4, invited him to a school thing (I was very nice). He refused. Then when ds was 7 I saw him and we had a conversation and it went from there. He visited in secret for ages before arranging it on the level with his wife.

He's totally useless.