Are they always abusive?

[2013go]

I'm nearly out of the woods from an emotionally abusive relationship which really took me inside out.
One question I still haven't resolved is- are these people always abusive?
If not, that would imply it was me/ the circumstances.
I'm still feeling a huge loss of confidence in myself and this is a doubt I return to.
I know that he cheats, but presumably that alone is not abusive.
Mainly I feel great relief it's gone but also a void, and a lot of confidence loss that is coming out in funny ways I didn't expect.
Because EA is so subtle sometimes it is almost like you doubt your reality/ have imagined how bad it was.
Anyway, was it me or do they behave like this with everyone? Or has he run off as his best self with a new partner?

Where do you get to the freedom course? I tried a link and it went all over the place.

What I want to know is.. what makes them this way? I have two sons and I do not want them to be like their father (I know women are abusers too but ..) I am going off topic and if anyone can nudge me to a resource thats great.
Thank you

My local womens aid runs one sneeze. Its a rolling programme to so you can drop in at any point and do the programme. its great!! Can you get a link to your nearest WA?

With my ex, Jupiter, it was the fact his Dad left his Mum for another woman.

The other woman was/is lovely, not the dirty slag his Mum called her, not the whore my ex called her....but it was her fault. Because his Dad chose her over his Mum.

His Dad beat his Mum up. Poured a kettleful of boiling hot water over her head. Yet his Mum was so bitter and twisted that he left.

She had a comfortable life with his Dad, he was loaded, they had servants, lived in Singapore. He took her for everything when he left, left her with no money, nothing. Yet she still loved him. What kind of message does that give to a man?

I felt sorry for his stepdad. She took it all out on him. More than one victim there...

Jupiter, I have no advice on where you can go, I didn't have kids with me exp so it was (sort of) a clean break. However my ex was like it as his dad was too, but his mum never condoned it, in fact after seeing him hit me once tried to give me some advice in front of her son, "Don't ever stand by and let him cheat on you, I could've put up with the beatings (from his dad) but I couldn't put up with his womanising", right there she gave exp permission to hit me!

Teach them to respect women and show them oodles of love, kind if, this is what mutual love and respect feels like, isn't it great

The one time I experienced DV as opposed to abuse from their father, his mother witnessed it (I had a new partner we had long split, and the new partner bit enraged him) she said it was 'six of one and half a dozen of the other' as I had been booted across the living room floor. Err WTF?? so much for the sisterhood. I will never be that blind if my sons fail in that way I promise..

. My ex said 'you have ruined my life' my ex father in law kindly (and it was kindly) pointed out he had ruined his own life. The ex father in law isn't 'allowed' to speak to me any more. By order of the ex mother in law. I scratch my head.. not very often but these threads get me a thinking..and its nice in a way as I am processing stuff that should have been processed a long time ago.
Sorry for hijack op.. I hope you are feeling better with the comments and discussion your post has brought about

My ex was raised in a country full of misogynist, state, religion and societally sponsored.

His father was a womaniser, cheated constantly on his mother. His mother had been much insulted and worn down by life and this man.

He told me recently that his mother never hugged him. :( that shocked and saddened me. He always thought I was ott with my boy, our son. Now I kind of understand a little more.

Seeing a woman or women being treated like shit, seeing their mother putting up with it, allowing their father's idolised image to remain. Allowing sexist attitudes in our unit, allowing anti-equality messages to remain unchallenged, and telling our children that mum and dad just didn't work out, as opposed to the way dad treated mum (or vice versa) was unacceptable, and that as a result of the way he/she was, that we have to decide to split, for the benefit of everyone.

Abusers are made, are raised. Their families are shit, and instead of saving, they need to be swerved.

Sadly, our 'rescuer' thing, our need to be needed is what makes us drawn to them.

We have to show our boys that we can't make others do what we want, only what they choose.

We have to show our girls thay they don't have to put up with crap 'for the sake of anything' and that we have a right to be respected.

We have to, as a society, stop allowing casual sexualisation of our children, or sexism in general. It's not about Feminism, it's about equality. Our boys have as many rights as our girls.

Most of the EA in our house was directed at my 2 DS by my now exP (not their dad). My boys are bloody hard work, even I struggle sometimes with them but deep down and when it matters they can be relied on & are top lads.

My ExP ignored them, belittled them, was constantly negative, always on their backs. He would scream in their faces so that spittle would fly out of his mouth.

If I had spoken to his DD like he spoke to my DS I would have been given the boot, but he honed in on my insecurities of how to deal with my kids. Even after DS10 had counselling where his behaviour drastically improved it still wasn't good enough.

He never physically abused them, but boy did he want to- I'm still amazed he never hit them.

With me, the emotional abuse was much more subtle. It took great strength to end the relationship.

My EA exH had little respect for his mum. On the outside one would think he idolised her but after living with him and seeing the relationship between them, it was clear he didn't respect her and he actually have little respect for women in general. Despite he being a womanizer, I am sure he has issues with women and sometimes I wonder if he is a homossexual in the closet who hates woman because he can't be one of them. Ah and his father was also an womanizer who left his mum for her best friend. Not sure exactly how the relationship between his father and mother was, but him leaving with her best friend created a trauma in the family.

wyrdy I was just thinking back to a comment you made in response to one of my posts earlier today about getting very close to blaming myself.

I have realised something and have just posted the following on another thread.

I've never really thought it was my fault that he was the way he was, but actually, I did believe it was my responsibility to explain myself, to communicate better, to be more attractive, to bolster his ego...

I was very vulnerable when we got together, but I am also a very strong person. It was an odd combination. He liked my vulnerability, but resented my strength. He saw it as a challenge to his authority.

Until today, I would have said I didn't blame myself. And in a way I didn't, but I did hold myself responsible. So it wasn't a negative blame, but I believed I had the ability to make things better. When I didn't.

Yes, I feel exactly like that Folkgirl

I believed I had the ability to make things better. When I didn't.

I think that's very common. We either think we need to change ourselves or believe that we can change them. And expect them to want to change as much as we have changed to accommodate them. As a normal loving partner would do. But they don't.

I was talking the other day to a friend about not expecting the other person to change and walking out rather than hope for that change.
She seemed surprised, but she seems to have a decent partner. One who is as much likely to change as she is for the benefit of the two.

Yes.. I think they are. My ex-h's first wife has severe mental health issues as a result of being married to him. I have my own issues but not too bad and his last wife is dead at his hands :( (he's now in prison)

Crispy that is what mystifies me how they get to move from relationship to relationship with such ease. Is it their charisma? Do they spot vulnerability? My friend's ex what not even vaguely charismatic in her friend's opinion even before the abuse started but she was almost instantly under his spell. It was baffling she was a force to be reckoned with before he came along. Thankfully she is again.

I can't speak for all of them but my exh was very charming and charismatic. Not especially handsome but not bad looking, he's lost most of his teeth and hair now though and looks very rough thanks to alcoholism. He'd probably have been a very good politician or something similar.

Most people were shocked when they discovered why we broke up, a very few said that they'd sensed something sinister about him.

"What I want to know is.. what makes them this way?"

I don't think anything 'makes' them this way. Personality IMHO is very hard-wired and parental influence is not as great as we like to think. Modelling respectful attitudes & kindness between men and women isn't a bad start however. I think a lot of abusive people are very selfish and entitled, so avoid over-indulging. Many seem to have never heard the word 'no'... so zero tolerance on unpleasant/anti-social behaviour. Other than that, I think someone's either got it in them to be cruel or they haven't.

My exp was charismatic, not in the conventional sense but he was tall, broad and was quite funny and came across as warm hearted, tbf that's exactly what he was for 90% of the time. IMHO I think they're very good at reading emotions and can manipulate at exactly the right moment, they'll be model partners at the right moment and they'll strike when they need to and show the right level of remorse to keep you in line. Things generally escalate as your resistance wears down until eventually they don't need to be nice at all anymore.

The charisma, yes. I have no rational idea why I envy the new partner, heaven knows I shouldn't. I think I just feel that she may be able to get the best of him without the worst.
I need some new horizons!!