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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh and twitter flirting.

78 replies

mydhisannoying · 06/03/2014 11:17

NC for this.

I don't really do the whole social media thing at all. Dh is on twitter quite a lot though, which is fine.

I was doing my daily check on my ds' facebook and twitter accounts (which he knows about, I have strict rules about social media) and accidently clicked on dhs name on twitter.

He has been sending tweets to a few celebrities, which, again, is fine in general. However there were about 25 of them that were pretty sleazy. Things like 'Oh I'll be your new man baby' and 'I bet I could help you out with that ;)' and telling others how stunning they look.

I really don't do the whole jealousy thing often, but this made me feel horrible.

I had an accident a couple of months before christmas which left me unable to walk, and I have out on a lot of weight, I am mobileish now but losing the weight is going to take a bit of time. He hasn't given me a compliment lately (understandably, I do look like shit) but the fact that he has went out of his way to send messages to other women to make them feel good about themselves isn't on, is it?

He thinks it doesn't matter because they are celebrities and they won't even read the messages, and I am fussing about nothing, but in a way I think it's worse, he will compliment someone who doesn't even care, and might not even read it when I am sitting right there, in the same room as him, and I do care and barely get a sideways glance.

I'm over reacting aren't I?

OP posts:
LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 06/03/2014 13:24

This has exposed that he has a deeply unpleasant attitude towards women in general. That's a horrible thing to find out after so many years of marriage, it really is. Sad

Qix · 06/03/2014 13:25

Ah, yes you're right.

Original poster
mydhisannoying · 06/03/2014 13:33

I don't want him to grovel Hmm

His reaction is a huge part of how I am feeling, if he had listened, understood and apologised and then willingly deleted all if his messages then I probably wouldn't be feeling this way now. As it is he shouted a bit, minimised it, didn't listen and then acted like he was doing me a big favour by deleting his messages, all the while complaining about me.

Of course my options are to stay and work round it or leave, but I am just trying to get my head around my husband of 16 years doing something that has totally shocked me before I start deciding anything.

OP posts:
LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 06/03/2014 13:43

Surely you shouldn't be the one to leave?

How is he in other areas? Is he kind and thoughtful, does he treat you with respect?

Original poster
mydhisannoying · 06/03/2014 13:58

I honestly don't know what would happen if we split. I have more options of places to go with our dc than he does, but I really don't know.

To be honest he doesn't really treat me like anything right now. Since my accident he has been going to work and taking care of most of the housework, although I have been doing as much as I can, but I think he really resents me not doing anything (I broke one of my legs and badly damaged the ligaments in the other leg and hurt my arm too).

He has never been particularly kind and thoughtful really, but he is a decent man, he got me out of an abusive situation when we got together which I am very grateful for.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 06/03/2014 13:59

Sorry but he sounds anything but decent.

SecretWitch · 06/03/2014 14:00

You don't need to make any decisions right away. I imagine the shock is still pretty strong. Is there anyone you trust in RL that you could speak with about this issue?

I am sending you a huge hug..unfortunately, I have also been on the wrong end of the surprise sleazy DP text..xx

Original poster
mydhisannoying · 06/03/2014 14:05

There isn't really anyone I can talk to in RL, we have mutual friends, and I think it would be really disrespectful to talk about him to them, there are my school gate friends who I don't talk about anything more meaningful than the weather with, and then I have my brother, who really dislikes dh and would buy me and my dc a house and move us half way up the country just to get me away from him the minute I said there was the tiniest thing wrong.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that secret Sad xx

OP posts:
MysweetAudrina · 06/03/2014 14:11

Is this not something you can get around? His behaviour was juvenille and immature but he has deleted the offending posts and you can talk about it and get over it. Do people not work their way through problems anymore and forgive offending behavior?

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 06/03/2014 14:11

It sounds like you have been through a lot recently.

Take some time to have a good think and consider your options. Ultimately you need to decide if this is really someone you want as a role model for your son.

Original poster
mydhisannoying · 06/03/2014 14:18

We can't work our way through this if he doesn't want to accept we have a problem to work through, I can't do it alone.

I might take our dc away somewhere this weekend to give myself a bit of space and time.

OP posts:
LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 06/03/2014 14:21

That sounds like a good idea, if you give yourself some distance then you can have a think. It's whether you can live with a man who has such an appalling attitude to women, plus it is hugely disrespectful to you. I honestly would not be surprised if this was the tip of the iceburg.

Jan45 · 06/03/2014 14:34

Wow, why does your brother dislike him so much?

SecretWitch · 06/03/2014 14:35

Mydh, I am so sorry you have no friend to confide in :(..perhaps going away with your lovely children would give you some time to have a good think. You get to decide how you wish to proceed from here on in.

Btw, I stayed with my DP. We went through a good six months of counseling to work through our problems. He wanted to stay in our relationship and was willing to admit mistakes. I will say the mistrust stays with you a long long time....

CaptainHindsight · 06/03/2014 14:36

"Is this not something you can get around? His behaviour was juvenille and immature but he has deleted the offending posts and you can talk about it and get over it. Do people not work their way through problems anymore and forgive offending behavior?"

MysweetAudrina - Hmm

The OP has already said he doesn't think there is a problem and that he went all hysterical and drama llama over the deletions like he was doing the OP a massive favour.

People do talk through their problems, sometimes it does result in forgiveness but forgiveness can only usually be achieved the the partner committing the "offence" understands the hurt they have caused and modifies their behaviour and makes amends with the hurt partner. Not throwing a wobbler at having his toys taken away!

I think your post is more in the spirit of "cant you just have your say then STFU and forget about it" Not exactly the type of behavior conducive to a happy relationship when one party is harboring repressed resentment in the spirit of forgiveness sucking it up

struggling100 · 06/03/2014 14:36

I don't think you should question your entire marriage over this in quite so deep a way. At least, not yet. I don't think his behaviour amounts to cheating. Yes, it's disrespectful, and yes he needs to change. But he has already taken steps towards that by deleting the tweets (albeit moodily!)

I do think he needs a crash course in gender relations! (I'm serious!) He's acting like an over-privileged tosser, one of those men who says things like 'There's nothing wrong with admiring a beautiful woman' as an excuse for looking at porn. I would get him to read a book about feminism!!

JohnFarleysRuskin · 06/03/2014 14:38

Why does your brother hate him?

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 06/03/2014 14:42

Why does your brother dislike him so much?

I think the problem lies in the fact that he hasn't acknowledged that there IS a problem at all. He has minimised it then dramatically deleted his posts.

WhateverTrevor83 · 06/03/2014 14:48

Personally I think his behaviour is more pathetic than anything else. It's like someone trying to show off being geezer-y and laddy in front of there mates. Who really calls women 'baby' in real life? Without sounding like a total fool I mean...

He's deleted them because he's probably twigged that he has made himself look like a teenage boy.

I agree with Jan - why does your brother hate him so much? And will he buy me a house too? Wink

Maybe a weekend away for you and DC would be good regardless? A bit of space after getting moving again after your injury etc and some fresh air/change of scenery etc.

x

WhateverTrevor83 · 06/03/2014 14:48

*their

Original poster
mydhisannoying · 06/03/2014 15:48

My brother hates him because I was a teenager and he was in his 30s when we got together for a start.

We went through a really bad patch when I found out I was pregnant fairly early on in our relationship. I had a few medical complications, and was in and out of hospital a lot, dh would go out and I wouldn't be able to reach him, and my brother picked up a lot of the slack, taking me to hospital, staying with me, coming in for scans and generally being supportive.

Then our child died and dh told me, in front of my brother, that her dying was karma coming back to get me for being such a bitch Sad

My brother won't insult him, or be nasty about him because of my dc, but I know he would take any opportunity to get me away from him.

Dh has always been one to minimise a problem, if it's me that's hurt, if it's a problem he has then that is a totally different matter, I don't hear the end of it for weeks.

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 06/03/2014 15:54

Sad Jeez and you stayed with him after your horrendous pregnancy and death of baby Sad why??

No wonder your brother hates him.

struggling100 · 06/03/2014 15:55

Woah, OP, I'm so sorry to hear that about your pregnancy. It must have been hugely traumatic and sad for you. Thanks

Qix · 06/03/2014 15:55

I think your brother has a point.

MissScatterbrain · 06/03/2014 15:56

The tweets are the least of your problems and these show him for what he is - a pathetic creep who hates women and has fucked up views.

I am still gobsmacked at his vile shitty treatment of you...