dh (separated)

[muser31]

so we are starting marriage counselling this week, i am nervous. he has been emotionally abusive in the past we been separated for a good while now and have a 3 yr old dd - we are hoping to get our issues ironed out, tbh i don't see much hope of getting back together but this will be a way of getting some closure, even possibly hoping for an outcome of good communication with him. i am so worried though about bringing everything up again - he wouldn't deal with it all at the time, and in a way im over it all, but it has to be dealt with now, and im so pissed off that i have to bring it all up again, i know its going to be very very stressful (counselling was the last time, when we were married) so i think im going to need as much support as i can. ive been told this counsellor is very experienced with domestic violence etc, i really hope she finds a way to make him realise his selfishness even with the way he deals with childcare etc now - i feel we have so much to sort out, issues from when we were married and lots of issues from after we separated too. its going to be fun....NOT. sigh. i just feel like 'not this again' should have been over long long ago!!

L sorry i missed your post. thank you for that christian perspective... i do completely agree with everything you say, and yes christians do not understand unless they have been through it themselves, and i myself do believe that God wants peace for me and that he wanted me to separate and has been blessing my life since.
can i just be honest? i do want to get a divorce. i think it will be much much harder thinking about getting back with him than getting a divorce. i do not know what is holding me back.... i am a very very determined person and never give up easily. perhaps its to do with my faith (not my own personal walk with God cause I know God doesn't judge, but perhaps about the churches, who can be judgemental) Perhaps its me being nostalgic and wanting me to have something happen and hold on to memories that just cannot happen and cannot be made right again. perhaps its because im finding life as a single parent to a demanding toddler very very hard and im resentful he gets to live the life he wants and im doing all the hard work. perhaps its because i believe God can do anything and he can make us fall in love again. perhaps its because i don't want to make hasty decisions and i did say i would do the counselling and don't want to back out now.....

yes all these combined are reasons. none of them are good enough alone but perhaps combined they are keeping me going. perhaps like someone said i don't have the guts just to get the divorce and i need something drastic to happy (like him to DO something and me to snap and say thats it)

im just being as honest as possible. its ok for everyone to tell me what to do but i can't do it until i can do it if that makes sense. yes im praying about it

muser thank you for answering my post. You seem to have answered all your concerns in the first paragraph...

and i myself do believe that God wants peace for me and that he wanted me to separate and has been blessing my life since.

Your life is currently being blessed. That says a lot to me you know in your heart when you walking on the path that God wants you on because you can feel his blessing in your life.

Leave God to deal with your H you can never get him to see what you need him to see it really is between him and God.

God wants you at peace and happy, since you deceided to start counseling do you feel that peace? Sometimes we can do the wrong thing thinking it's the right thing.

When you think about being divorced like you say you want, in your heart do you feel a sense of peace?

Do not let these issues surrounding you like a fog stop you from finding that peace.

I asked the question because I think you and him are going in with very different perspectives.
I don't think you'll get anything that you want.
He may go to pay lip service and he probably thinks that if he goes you'll go back to him.
Or he'll want to hurt you further.

Fine if you go to a couple of sessions, decide he's exactly who you think he is and move on. At least don't drag it on, because he'll never have the light bulb moment. Not while he thinks there is a way back in.

Just had an idea from another thread. I'd recommend you read a book called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.

It helped me to understand and stopped me going around in circles looking for closure and apologies. It's a life changer.

i have peace about going to the counselling - not about cancelling it so soon. i don't have peace about continuing with it though, given i see his attitude isn't changing - 1/2 sessions will be enough.

when i think about the prospect of divorce, or the prospect of getting back with him, i really have no peace about the latter. i have some peace about getting divorced but i have my worries too (will i cope, finances etc)

i do agree we are going in with different perspectives. i feel really low today actually. i think yesterday just drained me. i am so tired.

evie thats an excellent idea, i have that book and only read the bits that were relevant to me a couple of years ago. i need to get it back out again.

Hi Muser, Sorry you've been left feeling low, are you feeling any better today?

I know that you are determined to carry on with counselling, but please be careful, I like others on this thread are worried that you can be left open to more hurt and abuse.

I can see that you have some fear of your future. You can't let fear dictate your future now is the time to be bold and brave. I don't know about you but I love the saying "Fear is a Lie".

Hope your having a better day. (smile)

hi there LB
thank you so much for your encouragement it means a lot! i know i do need to be careful... i didn't think wednesdays counselling would affect me as much as it did....it was more yesterday i felt it. i think it was more because the anxiety of it drained me of emotional and physical energy, and yesterday i didn't feel up to much as a result. i will be very careful now as i proceed with this, and yes im having a much better day today : :) :)

Yes muser I have done relationships counselling.

I hope that you are feeling better this weekend, I also hope that what ever you decide to do you find closure and peace. Only you know what is right for you

just wanted to update...we had our counselling session. i am so glad i went ahead with it. the one session was all it took, and i am so grateful to the counsellor because she was very supportive and clarified, in front of him, the way that he was coming across (inconsiderate, and not genuinely remorseful, and that the reason for his behaviours were somehow always to do with me) she pointed these things out a few times to both of us, and i feel this is what i needed to happen - i know not everyone is so lucky with counsellors. at one point i cried as i remembered something hurtful that happened and he said 'i can turn on the tears too if i want!'

i don't know. i just told him that i didn't want to continue with him anymore, that id heard enough and his attitude hadn't changed.... i think he was quite surprised at this. this is after a year and a half of separation and i am only properly able to start properly putting it behind me now - i think of my beautiful wedding and the dress and lots of things and it makes me sad. and where do i go from here? i have a meeting with my individual counsellor next week to talk about how i want to go forward, then ill talk to the solicitor about it. i don't know wether it will be too much stress to do everything through the courts, or wether to try mediation to sort out a divorce settlement and child access. i know he was unreasonable to me in the past but perhaps he would be reasonable since we are not under the stress of living together - for the purpose of sorting things out - or maybe i am delusional.

I'm so glad you've been able to decide to let him go. Sometimes we just need that final moment of clarity before we can move forward.
I really do wish you all the best. Hopefully others will come along with some more practical advice to help you.
The only thing is (I hate sounding negative) your ex has never been reasonable and possibly expecting him to be now may set yourself up for more disappointment.
Take Care what you have done takes courage but that doesn't stop you feeling apprehensive about your future but have faith that good things are coming your way.

thank you so much LBZT and it gives me so much faith knowing you found someone else and are happy now and that it can and does happen.

I can't believe that my story has inspired someone. I went through so much and now it's being used as a blessing. I feel over whelmed here (in a good way). One day your going to be where I am now...it rocks!

oh i am so glad you are feeling like that - its a good feeling to know how far you have came and how God has blessed you. i have that feeling about other areas of my life - but right now i feel like there are so many obstacles in the way of meeting people - my dd tantrums so i can't meet people in church, ive just started a new church, i can't get out at night as dh doesn't take her much at nights and anytime he does or my mum does i need to catch up on sleep. i just think how could i ever have energy for finding someone and doing the relationship, how wil i meet anyone... and it does inspire me. i don't want to be alone the rest of my life - and i would also love someone else to share my dds times with.