I think it's really hard for any intelligent woman who has not been in this type of situation to understand how another intelligent woman can even start to believe there's an OK explanation.
Or how powerful someone just sticking to a story is, even when the story is so very unlikely.
But I've been that intelligent woman, so I'm sending you hugs.
It seems like such a silly thing to end a relationship over - what, you divorced him for sending a cock shot, and he always told you it was even his? He was HACKED!
I understand.
Can I share with you my experience though?
- it teaches them that yeah, they can do it and get away with it. You've got more commitment to the marriage than them - you'll put up with it.
- you may be suspicious forever more. Checking phones, noticing variations in routines... you'll hate that that is your life, in time
- you may be absolutely churned up that you could be treated like you're so fucking thick, a total mug for accepting that bollocks. You may be angry and resentful - not conducive to a happy marriage. Your sex life may suffer - afterall, you don't know where he's been and you know he doesn't love and respect you.
- over time you may be angry with YOURSELF for allowing yourself to be treated like an idiot
That was my life.
Something pretty minor months after we met. Oh well, he lied - I know that, but we're early days, it wasn't so bad... (hint to self: if they're straying that early, no matter how minor, they are never going to be the right one)
Some major stuff that was tenuously explained away, but hey, we're getting married soon, we're TTC, I love him, would I chuck this away when it looks really suspicious but he says he only LOOKED at escort sites...
At this point OP, I'm not offended if you think "mug" - in fact, please do :) See how easy it is to explain it away to yourself!
Then you are certain he's done it. No proof, he's saying it looks bad, but that evidence was all from last time, he hasn't looked since, honest... You finally 99% don't believe him. But you're married, you have a tiny baby...
The baby turns 4 and you find solid proof. It's finally not argued that he did it all along. You dump his sorry arse but you walk away knowing that you CHOSE to let him treat you that way. And that hurts so much. More than what he did to me, what I did to myself. That I didn't value myself enough to say - "uh, hacked email? Liar! I'm out". Where did I go wrong that I thought I should stay?
- no proof?
- didn't think I'd get anyone else?
- thought I could "fix" it?
- thought, well this is life, marriages are supposed to be worked on?
- thought there was some sort of prize giving at the end for Taking Your Marriage Seriously?
Who bloody knows. All I can tell you is that the expression "I felt like a weight had lifted" was spot on. I dumped him, I was walking on air. I really did feel lighter.
If you knew me IRL... I'm nice, attractive, funny, caring, confident enough (not the life & soul, but not shy), healthy, financially independent, intelligent, astute...
And yet, I still fell for the "maybe" and "no evidence" trap.
When I told my ex I was done with him, he said "I only looked" and I said "don't you realise that is enough reason for me to leave you?"
You don't NEED proof, you don't need anything except knowing that this man has made you unhappy.
Good luck OP. x