Long term dating. Can it work?

[LeadingToGadeBank]

Background:
Both mid 40s, neither married before, I have two young children with a DV ex, he was in a childless 15 year relationship. We don't live together and have been dating for nearly two years. My children call him Daddy regularly now. Their own father has been totally absent for at least 3 years. Neither of us own our homes, he is in the proverbial batch pad and has his own business, and I'm currently on benefits looking to return to work now youngest started school last September.

This is what I'm finding increasingly hard to deal with, and it's causing some communication problems in our relationship:

We only see eachother at weekends. He stays over Sat eve-Sun eve. Occasionally may meet for coffee on a weekday, but that will be even less likely once I find work.
We communicate during the week by text, don't phone eachother. I'm not a proficient texter and I despair of the medium because it's so open to misinterpretation unless you're thoroughly articulate and can also 'sense' how a person is during the text conversation.

At the weekends, it feels like I'm on my best behaviour, because I don't want to spoil the little time we have together.
It's like having to get to know someone all over again every weekend.
Any of the big stuff or stress or worries that other couples chat about, I can't do with him, because I only see him at weekends. By which time, our problems have already risen, crested and fell again during the week and won't require that cosy, familiar, conversational airing that is such a fundamentental part of a strong friendship.
He doesn't have that opportunity with me either.

I don't feel like I'm in a relationship. It doesn't seem to have earnt that solid grounding that a few good arguments or rows, and plenty of shared in depth experiences, contribute to.
I know two years is still early days, but what is the next stage here in long term dating?
I need him to be able to talk to me or ring me during the week with his worries like other people do. But that isn't what's supposed to happen when you're just dating, is it? It's supposed to still be lighthearted and noncommittal. But I miss that solidity of a strong friendship, that was the basis for my other long term relationships before him (apart from the DV one, obviously).

Summarily, how can I gain that sense of long term friendship whilst not actually living with someone?

LeadingToGadeBank ok - it didnt sound like 5 years breathing space the way you put it. Either way its still quite early days for you 2 in a relationship, isn't it? & you haven't made him sound terrible. Why can't you just let him know what you want. Have a conversation about it? I still think you are afraid of the answer so you're 2nd guessing. & again, I wouldn't think he is bad for not wanting the living together + stepchildren arrangement right now. Not wanting this now doesn't mean he will never want it. He may want what you want, just in the distant future. In which case you'd have to decide if you have the patience for that. I know some have said he is using you for sex but the world being what it is, he doesn't need to. You aren't the only woman out there. So it could be that he likes you, but the 2 of you aren't on the same page at the moment.

Then again Im probably biased as longterm dating worked for me. We stayed the course so Id be loath to say longterm is impossible. You're better off asking him, you'll get too many varied opinions on here and most wont be able to get past the fact that your children call him daddy, tbh.

Oh, Offred give over with the 'trapping a man into committment' suggestion, that's patronising to say the least. I think you'll find I'm probably heading the opposite direction, hence my asking if you'd read the opening post. Along with 'LTB' it's one of the stock Mumsnet stances that get my back up. Sorry if I come across as irritated about your suggestion. That's because I am

So OP, do you believe that Scotland should be entitled to retain the pound after any yes vote in an independentce referendum? Or not?

Practice the issue was children, not that it's relevant.

Op the thread seems to have gone round in circles a bit and I'm not actually sure what you are asking. What is it you believe the issue is?

I'm just struggling to understand how you've ended up in a situation where your bf is billed as both someone you are casually dating but wanting more from, tiptoeing round because maybe you think he doesn't want more with you? However he is in a role as an absolute father to your dc, there for bloody playground accidents and parents evenings. The two are not compatible so if both are true I'm wondering a. How it has happened b. Why it has happened and c. What is going to happen because it seems like an unholy mess for your children potentially.

Personally I'd get the DCs to start calling him by his actual name and then detach from him.

I think it's him choreographing this unfulfilling relationship, not you. I base this on no evidence whatsoever at all, by the way. It's just a funny feeling.

OP I just came back to this thread and have caught up.

The question in your OP was how can you get that feeling of being in a LTR without seeing him all week. The correct answer is you can't. Sorry.

I tried it for 8 years, and we used to speak for an hour once a week midweek too. I convinced myself it was a fulfilling and "real" relationship, and it was with a good guy who was there for the holidays, the family occasions, the important events, but it just isn't the same as living with someone. You just don't "co-exist" the same. You're a LP with a weekend visitor.

Our big obstacle was distance. We were 1.5 hrs apart, and both had kids so neither was prepared to move. You haven't got that. There's nothing stopping you asking him over next Wednesday to spend the night - unless you're scared he'll say no and you'll be hurt, or unless deep down you don't want him there. I can't think of any other reason.

Thankyou MrsBobHale I think you've summed it up.

You do need to address the 'daddy' thing. He is not their dad and his relationship with their mother is tenuous so could end abruptly and then where does daddy figure in things?