Long term dating. Can it work?

[LeadingToGadeBank]

Background:
Both mid 40s, neither married before, I have two young children with a DV ex, he was in a childless 15 year relationship. We don't live together and have been dating for nearly two years. My children call him Daddy regularly now. Their own father has been totally absent for at least 3 years. Neither of us own our homes, he is in the proverbial batch pad and has his own business, and I'm currently on benefits looking to return to work now youngest started school last September.

This is what I'm finding increasingly hard to deal with, and it's causing some communication problems in our relationship:

We only see eachother at weekends. He stays over Sat eve-Sun eve. Occasionally may meet for coffee on a weekday, but that will be even less likely once I find work.
We communicate during the week by text, don't phone eachother. I'm not a proficient texter and I despair of the medium because it's so open to misinterpretation unless you're thoroughly articulate and can also 'sense' how a person is during the text conversation.

At the weekends, it feels like I'm on my best behaviour, because I don't want to spoil the little time we have together.
It's like having to get to know someone all over again every weekend.
Any of the big stuff or stress or worries that other couples chat about, I can't do with him, because I only see him at weekends. By which time, our problems have already risen, crested and fell again during the week and won't require that cosy, familiar, conversational airing that is such a fundamentental part of a strong friendship.
He doesn't have that opportunity with me either.

I don't feel like I'm in a relationship. It doesn't seem to have earnt that solid grounding that a few good arguments or rows, and plenty of shared in depth experiences, contribute to.
I know two years is still early days, but what is the next stage here in long term dating?
I need him to be able to talk to me or ring me during the week with his worries like other people do. But that isn't what's supposed to happen when you're just dating, is it? It's supposed to still be lighthearted and noncommittal. But I miss that solidity of a strong friendship, that was the basis for my other long term relationships before him (apart from the DV one, obviously).

Summarily, how can I gain that sense of long term friendship whilst not actually living with someone?

I appreciate that your DC's father was abusive, but is it the case that he's so abusive he is not allowed to contact them, or is he simply not bothered? Because the fact that your DC call your casual boyfriend Daddy is a little bit worrying - he's not their father and, however nice he is to them and however sustainable the relationship, it sounds like the DC need a bit of clarity.

Other than that, it does sound a bit as though you consider this a relationship and he considers it an amicable hook-up situation. Which is something you need to talk about otherwise one of you is probably going to be hurt and disappointed, or bewildered at why the other is all of a sudden so angry when no promises were ever made.

The children are very young and have known him for the last three years at least. He's an old family friend so he used to be at our family functions sometimes. Their own father is completely absent by his choice. I left when my youngest was 4 weeks old so he's never really known a real Daddy. My eldest has bonded with him over the years, so he has become her daddy figure.

Given their ages, I don't find it so unusual. Why is everyone saying it's 'weird'?

We often go to events, cinema, meals out, family functions, and we have spent weekends away together. Every couple of months my extended family will babysit so that we can go out.

I don't phone him during the week, primarily because I don't have a landline and I can't afford 50p a minute mobile calls.

Yes, we have discussed all the bigger issues such as children, living together, etc. I know where he stands on all of them. We have a different opinion on one of them.

It's not a friends with benefits scenario, although on the surface I can appreciate that's what it looks like.

Why on earth are you paying 50p a minute?!?

Leading, there's lots of excuses here. Very little looking for solutions! Do you want to be in a relationship with him? Or not?

BitOutOfPractice: oh yes, most definitely :)

. I'm just struggling with how to do long term dating when I've only been used to traditional style dating, then move in together.

I don't think it sounds very fulfilling. I'd lose interest in those circumstances.

After 3 years I'd want more than this and I think it's odd that you don't really speak during the week.

DP and I don't live together. We've been together a year and half and have no intention to live together in the next few years (we live about 20 mins apart so the children are all settled at their own schools)

However, he stays here when he doesn't have his DCs (average of 3 nights a week) and when he's at home he Face Times me and we send the occasional "miss you" text during the day. At least once a week, if not more, he'll come round or take me out for lunch.

Without those little interactions during the week it would feel like a really long time between weekends and I know that if it weren't for the DCs we'd be together more often.

Obviously if you did live together it would affect your benefit entitlement, so it probably isn't worth you moving in together unless it's something you both desperately want, but if you want to stay together I'd be pushing for a bit more midweek time. If he's not keen then perhaps you have to face the possibility that your relationship doesn't have a future

If your DCs are calling him daddy I don't see how having him stay would 'upset the midweek routine'. Surely your DCs would enjoy having him around for dinner and in the mornings. Our meal times are much more fun when DP is here!

Mine really miss him when he's not here, they enjoy having him around and he enjoys being part of our family life when he's not with his (although he does feel guilty sometimes when his DCs know he is here without them). I wonder if your DP struggles with being part of a busy family?

Tbh I tend to avoid staying at DP's house when I don't have the DCs as I enjoy a bit of peace or adult company on my night off, but DP finds that odd and always invites me over just in case. It's awkward and I can imagine if you aren't a kiddy person then being around the humdrum chaos of someone else's family life might be hard work.

If that's the case then he's not really cut out to be a 'daddy' is he?

It's weird because he isn't playing a daddy role in their lives and because he's barely playing the role of your boyfriend - which is what you are concerned about after all.

Apart from that the bigger issue is that it is potentially very damaging for your children to not have the 'this is your dad, this is my boyfriend' or eventually perhaps 'this is your stepdad' boundary in place. You're setting them up to invest heavily in whatever hanger on happens to be in your life which will lead to a rollercoaster of being built up and let down.

Even if their dad isn't in their lives through his choice you should still be teaching them who their dad is and that your boyfriend is just that - your boyfriend. He can do caring things for them by extension of his relationship with you but they should know he isn't their dad.

Apart from all that it is bad for your relationships if the dc get too close too soon, how do you get out of a relationship or adequately assert yourself when things are wrong if you're thinking 'but the dc will lose their dad' but in reality he is just a casual weekend bf with a batchelor pad?

Thing is, OP, regardless of what romantic relationships you may have going on, your DC need to know who their father is. A lot of people think it's better to airbrush a bad father (or other odd circumstances) out of the picture eg not telling DC they are adopted, or (though this is very rare now) the baby of a girl who got PG very young being brought up by her parents as a sibling of hers. It's very wrong and has terrible consequences becuase the truth always comes out.

Please make sure that your DC understand who their actual father is - you could tell them that some people are just not suited to being parents and that's why they don't see him.

They were born of a DV relationship and their safety was at risk, and as their father chose no contact whatsoever even after court, I think it's safe to say he won't be in their lives for the future.

I haven't done nor do I intend to put the children through a string of boyfriends, amd as they are aware (well, the eldest at least as she vaguely remembers her real father) that they have a 'real Dad', she has stopped mentioning him for at least a year now.

I was a stepchild myself from roughly the same age as my youngest, and called my stepfather Daddy from the off.

The point is, how would I now prevent them from calling my boyfriend Daddy? I have told them they have a real Dad, the eldest vaguely remembers him, the youngest left him at 4 weeks old newborn, and neither have mentioned him for a year.

I think my own experience of accepting my stepfather as my actual father is clouding my judgement. Although well aware of my own biological father as a child and seeing bionics or twice a year, I still called my stepfather Daddy and will always consider him my actual Dad.

This is all very odd.

1. he's not their dad. He's not even really a father figure. He's there once a week. I wouldn't be happy with my DC calling someone they barely know "daddy". I know you say he's an old family friend, but he's still nott heir dad. He doesn't live with you or help with their daily routines. He's just your boyfriend, not a new daddy figure.

2. Why do you barely speak during the week? That's not normal in a relationship. It seems like you have a convenient "meet up, have sex" arrangement, but that's it. It's very unusual for there to have been no talk about the future at all after two and a half years.

Does he want DC? Does he want to take your DC on as his own? And by that, I mean moving in, dealing with tantrums and discipline and night wakings and everything that comes with being a parent? If he doesn't want those things, encouraging/letting your DC call him daddy is just bad in the long run, sorry.

How do you prevent them?
Come on, you're the parent.
You say - no honey, that's Ben, not Daddy.
Lightly, but repeatedly.

Of course it's a legitimate decision to call him Daddy if you all choose that. But with your stepfather, he had committed to your mother (presumably) and took the role of your father.
Presumably your mother had a reasonable expectation of longevity of the relationship.

That's the issue here - you say you don't feel this is more than dating, you have to get to know him again every weekend, you're on your best behaviour...

You have to believe in him as your life partner, before you should ask your children to believe in him as a father.

No-one intends to put their dc through a string of bfs. I think the real damage comes not from the bfs themselves but the relationships the children form with them IYSWIM. E.g. If you had 1 hundred bfs who never met your dc it would be less damaging than 2 who formed inappropriate attachments with the dc because they weren't committed enough to their relationship with you.

I don't mean to be judgey pants there, it is easy to get carried away with what you feel and want from a relationship and not pay enough attention to what your partner is telling you.

You do as cabrinha has suggested and not allow them to call him daddy, you reiterate that he is bf and explain the difference.

You can't be confident that their biological dad won't ever play a part in their lives. They may want to find him or he may want to find them at some point. They need to be prepared all their lives for this possibility by first of all knowing who he is and eventually knowing what he did that meant he had to leave. You don't want to keep them innocent in case he turns up during teen years with a spun story about how awful you were and a flat full of booze and drugs... (May be my paranoia there!)

kidneys They've known him since the youngest was a year old.

He has been there for all holidays away with them, day trips over the last couple of years, school parent events, carrying them bloodsoaked after playground accidents to the nearest medic, they both draw family doodles with him as part of the family, he buys them birthday and Christmas gifts and cards, or sometimes gifts for no reason at all, ... that's all quite 'father figurely' to me

Which is it life partner or casual bf. It can't be both and he should never have been invited into that role where he does fatherly stuff without the commitment should he? That's the point. Can't you see that the commitment of the relationship to you should be what determines his role not the other way around?

I don't think you've read the opening post, Offred...

I agree with others that your DCs shouldnt be calling him daddy, but Im sure you can rectify that one.

What stands out for me the most here is, this man was in a 15 year relationship with a woman prior to you. They had no children. He didn't marry her. What within that makes you think he would now want to enter into a living together arrangement possibly with a view to marriage, and also be a father to your DCs? Im not criticising him at all if he does feel like that - there's no 'should' about this, it is a very big step to take and he may not be ready for the family set-up. Thats his prerogative. Albeit, you should be aware of his feelings on this.

You're in your 40s and have young children to raise. He is running a business. You are both busy in your own right. That you still make time to be together within this, is a good thing. But you've not been with this man for 2 years yet. I don't agree that this is a long time to be dating - in mature relationships you are not each other's 1st loves and also have failed relationships behind you, and a life that you've been living. There are a lot of mature couples who date like this, most have separate homes and commitments and particularly for women, DCs living with them. I was in that situation and dated my OH for 3 1/2 years before we moved in together. Im sure Im not the only one.

You've escaped a violent relationship, been in a new relationship for less than 2 years and already you want to live with this man. What about time out for yourself, and breathing space between wanting your DCs to have a new daddy?

I don't see any other way to progress this, other than ask him what his intentions are. He will very probably tell you. It is very unusual that you don't speak during the week but perhaps thats the arrangement you had from the start? Either way if you don't ask for more you tend not to get more in this life. FWIW I don't think he is treating you badly, or using you in any way. He is just happy with the relationship the way it is. The best you can do for yourself is make sure you're also happy.

You seem to be drip feeding.
Look, do you only ever see him on a Sat night / Sun day, and barely speak to him between with a very occasional weekday coffee... Or do you go on holiday with him, and have him around carry your blood soaked children off the playground?!!
He goes to family events... what - these are ALL on a Sunday?
I can't make head nor tail of whether you see him more or not!

I think there are 2 issues here:

1. They shouldn't be calling him daddy, if you don't feel close enough to him to feel he's your lifelong partner. But if you can feel that - lovely that he can have that role for them.

1. You say that you have get to know him again every Sat, you're on your best behaviour... WHY? Are you emotionally keeping him at arm's length? I can't even say physically because I can't work out whether you're Sat night only, or more. If you're having all these holidays together, and you don't feel close to him... I hate to say this - but do you love him? Is he just safe and easy because he isn't actually part of your family? The stuff about him messing up your routine midweek - it's just nonsense! Sorry! How can you expect to feel you don't have to keep getting to know him again, be on best behaviour, if you won't get together midweek evenings?

I'm not trying to be mean... It just sounds like some counselling might help you to decide what you want from a relationship.

You can't keep him outside of your life, then be surprised that you feel you don't know him.

Leading I think the only way to move this forward is to communicate with your dp. If you have a problem, I honestly can't see why you don't text/email/call (whichever you are as a couple most comfortable with) and talk to him about it.

I am in a similar situation to you with regard to having no contact with my children's father due to dv, although my children are older and can remember their birth father very well, unfortunately. I've been seeing a wonderful man for around a year, and he's just bought a house in my town (moving from around an hour's drive away). He is making the move because he doesn't have children and I do, but we have both talked about the hope/possibility that this will end up being a house for all four of us. We know what we want to happen, where we want the relationship to go, that we will take things slowly because of the children. I find these things difficult to talk about, but without having that communication and openness, and someone being prepared to risk giving their feelings away first, you are left with a shallower relationship and it can be difficult to get a real bond and involvement in each other's lives.

We also e-mail a lot during the day about all sorts, some trivial nonsense about silly things at work, some quite deep stuff about problems we are having, interesting links we've come across, whatever so that when we do meet up we're not starting again with catching up. It's not ideal, but it keeps things going especially when he is away with work and it is a while in between seeing each other.

It took a great leap of faith for me to start trusting him with the "real" stuff rather than the chit chat but it was entirely the right thing to do. We still have the lighthearted fun dating and falling in love thing going on, but we also have a real connection and closeness. It feels wonderful. I think if you are with the right person then more emotional openness and communication is the only way to feel closer. If you don't feel you can do this, maybe it's a hang over from your past abusive relationship, or maybe it's your gut telling you that there is something amiss in your current relationship.

It seems to me that your kids have a much more straightforward relationship with him than you do op!

I'm still not clear. Have you discussed your relationship ever? Talked about love? The future? How you feel about each other? Your plans and dreams?

Mistress His previous relationship was with a woman who had young teenage children from her marriage - he has already been a stepfather. She didn't want to marry.

It's been 5 years 'breathing space'. That's quite a long time.

Practice Yes, I'd already answered that :)

Still don't understand why they call him daddy, he's not and never will be, calling him by his name is fine, he can still be just as involved with them, I think that's unfair tbh and confusing.

How is having your b/d of 3 years staying over bringing in a string of b/f's exactly?

Re not calling him thru the week cos it's 50p a minute is absolute BS, sorry OP, it's not unless you have a mobile nobody else has.

All sounds very casual still, pretty much a part time relationship, wouldn't do for me in my mid 40s, I'd want more than that.

You seem full of excuses, if you are happy with the arrangement, why the post in the first place? Sorry but I would measure the time I spend with my partner of 3 years as to how committed we both were.

Well you sort of did. You said you'd discussed stuff but not what conclusions you'd reached and tantalisingly said you disagreed on one big issue. If that's living together / being more of a partnership than dating, that answers many questions. If it was about whether Scotland should be entitled to retain the pound after any yes vote in an independentce referendum, well that's less illuminating to be honest

The long and the short of it seems to me, you both like each other. But you want abit more coupleness. He doesn't seem to want to (if you have in fact asked him). In which case, you need to decide how much you like him, and how much you wantt hat extra coupleness, and then make a decision to bin, keep as is, or move forward together.

I've read all the posts.

You have a mismatch between the seriousness (in practice) of his relationship with you - he is a weekend bf, and the seriousness of his relationship with your dc - he apparently plays absolute role of father.

This is my point. Sorry to be blunt but these children are not and never will be his dc. Yes, stepfathers can step in and in the dc mind actually replace the bio father in terms of love and their role but this is contingent on a strong relationship with the mother and a commitment to the family.

If you jump into dad for the kids without ensuring the latter two then you risk disaster. You've not got serious with him yet, your children shouldn't have either and it was your job to make sure this didn't happen, fair enough we have all (if a line parent) made mistakes like this I'm sure but you are very defensive.

Are you sure you aren't trying to trap him into a more serious commitment to you by using your dc?