Feel I must take responsibility!

[Rocklover]

Had a conversation with DH yesterday, where for once he wasn't being as stupid. We agreed that we both had a part to play in our splitting up, however I am not very good with guilt as it makes me feel so awful, I can never usually forgive myself.

I know that financial pressure was one of the main problems and this was cuased by me not getting a FT job. There is no defence really, I knew that things were difficult, but just couldn't bear the thought of DD, under a year old being in childcare from 8am-6pm everyday! So I just ignored everything and hoped it would get better (although I did work part time). Dh was a total pig last year and has admitted he hated me at times for not working and knows he treated me worse than he would have treated a dog in his bad moments.

Thing is I know I am to blame for losing the house and I am glad DH has managed to buy something, but I know that I am not going to be able to rid myself of this guilt. I did ask why we couldn't have found something with an interest only mortgage last year and he said that he wasn't aware he could get this much money. The sensible part of me knows that we are not right for each other and that his communication problems....and his family would always cause a rift and the fact that we have nothing in common.

DH feels that DD will now have a worse life with us apart and he and I will not be able to spend as much quality time with her together and apart, especially when I am working FT when she is at school. I don't agree, as DH didn't spend enough time with her before, he came in and went to sleep.

This is a confused ramble, so I apologise as I was doing so well, but am having a down day, will I ever get over this guilt about the money and DD???

why dont you move into his house together, go to relate, and TRY to make your marriage work. You have, tbh, no chance at all whilst you live with your parents.

childcare is NOT the worst option in the world for a couple of years and if it gives you the chance to repair your marriage and provide a stable home for your daughter it would be worth it ??? at least try?

How long have you been married? everybody goes through bad patches and times when they feel thay have less than nothing in common with the person they married. Sometimes people do grow apart, or terrible things happen that mean they cannot hold their relationship together........I dont thnik this is rewally you.

Forgive me this sounds harsh, but from what I can see your relationsghip has gone down the tubes whilst you have both been living at your parents; they know 'everything' about your problems; they have problems with your dH too. You have fallen out about whether or not you should work ft and put your daughter into childcare. This is NOT unmendable

In an adult relationship you should be sharing everything with your h and not your parents. I cant think that many men would be happy to be living indefinitely with their in laws.

TRY . HARD. It really can be worth it.

I know that working FT and putting kids in childcare doesn't hurt them, but unfortunately it hurts me! I don't mind PT childcare, but unfortunately it isn't worth it after the childcare fees are taken, I guess selfishly I wanted to enjoy my child instead of letting someone do it.

Our marriage has been on the rocks alot longer than since we have been at my parents (basically since I got pregnant and couldn't work due to sickness, so over 2 years). DH has told me that he will never really be able to talk and he doesn't want to go to counselling, he feels that talking about it won't help anymore. We have different goals, I wanted 2 kids and a loving DH he wants to invest in properties and build up the money side of things. Yes we have nothing in common except DD, so what happens when she flys the nest, what do we talk about?

I do not find him attractive anymore as he showers maybe 3 times a week and he doesn't clean his teeth every day, I have tried addressing this problem, but to no avail. Yes I do feel guilty not getting the FT job he wanted me to, however, I am not trained in anything and the type of salary I would get would have been ok for a while, but not long term. Dh wanted to pay no more than £400 on childcare a month which is virtually impossible and we would get no help as his salary is too high.

I guess what I was ranting about is how not to feel guilty constantly, DH has't blamed everything on me, it's just the way I feel. One thing I do think is that if DH had been able to show me he loved me and maybe do little things for me every once in a while I would have felt better about my life and maybe things would have been different. Instead he played championship manager constantly, never did anything around the house basically came home, slept in his chair for an hour or so, bathed DD, ate dinner, then watched tv or went on PC.

Also he had major probs accepting DD as he didn't really want a baby when she born in 2005 in fact wanted to wait until this yr because of money, but stupid me persuaded him. He loves her now, but it really took a long time to come.

Now I feel even worse! God wahtever I do is never going to be right...how do I cope with this?

RL instead of feeling guilt at what happened
start writing down the things/ horrid habits etc
that put you off him in the first place

as for the comment re the time with your dd together

he is playing a part in emotionally blackmailing you
dont let him win

and so what if you partly responsible

as long as you are happy in your new life
cant see any prob
keep ya chin up sweety
xxx

Rocklover
it seems that your mind is made up.

in which case there IS no point is feeling guilty. Only you know if you have tried as HARD as you posiibly can, only YOu know if it will now be an option to be a SAHM when you are a single parent.
If your marriage has genuinely run its course then you need to look to the future, offer your dh as much access as you can and plan a life for you and dd.,

Just - I dont think you HAVE really tried. and I think you are staying at home with your folks because its easier thana RL relationship with a not-perfect-partner. and you dont HAVE to work. With children comes responsibility both for choosing to have them - and yes maybe if your dh told you that financially you couldnt afford to be a sahm for a year or two you SHOULD have listened............. - and providing then with stability for the future............

our marriage therapist once told us that you have to look at 'the marriage' as more important than either of you. You have to put the needs of 'the marriage' at the centre of your life together. YOU may want to be a sahm, but YOUR marriage needs you to work; for your DH he may not want to clean his teeth every day but YOUR MARRIAGE needs him to do this so it can remain healthy.You guys need some marriage therapy.

Ho Hum , anyway you have decided.... and I wish you good luck for the future and my apologies . I know this is not what you wanted to hear.

sorry I have ben wanting to write that about your situation for some time. I do KNOW that we none of us live in each others relationships and cannot really possibly judge what is going on.................

have a good weekend

PS ( last post sorry! )

I really have had some problems with committing fully to my husband rather than my mother, ie sharing problems at work with her not him etc. I have found therapy very helpful in managing this. I think thats why I feel strongly about what is happening to you. Even if you cant change THIS breakdown please consider this in future relationships.

LST thank you for your point of view, some of which I agree with, but the majority I don't. I don't know if you have ever had to live at home with your parents with a child, but it is NOT the easy option. Maybe easier in that sometimes they can babysit for me, but basically that is it. I am 32, so I feel like absolute shit having to live with my parents at this age. Yes I could probably get a flat and live off benefits (as even with a FT job I would not be able to afford rent and bills etc), but I don't want to get into that trap.

The easiest option for me is to move into the flat with my DH and pretend that everything is going to get better and that a year down the line he isn't going to want to move again (have moved on average every 2 years for the last 6). I was at uni last year as my DH encouraged me to go, then I pulled out when we didn't get a childcare grant, although I know now that DH just wanted the student loan money.

Yes I am stupid for not getting a job, but there were other things we could have done (my salary would have still left us wanting because of childcare fees, so we would have had to sell up eventually). Because of this situation DH was not happy to have another child, which I wanted.

Also, DH has had hygiene issues for years and he is NOT willing to change, the fact that he smokes makes not cleaning his teeth regularly even worse...I cannot face sleeping with him

Also he has very bad mood swings and is uable to communicate about his problems, I have to try for days (through abuse and temper tantrums) to get them out of him. He was depressed last year but wouldn't go to the Drs, he never will, he has refused counselling, because he doesn't see the point in talking.

Actually, I think I was right sticking to my guns, marriage is about compromise, not one person chnaging their lives just to fit in with what the other person wants. We could have put our heads together and come up with a plan to move somewhere smaller, so that I could work PT and give DD the best start possible, which is, in my opinion to be with a parent the majority of the time, NOT with a carer, who as good as they may be, does not form that child parent bond. My DH and I both made mistakes, but his inability to talk and screaming temper tantrums drove us even further apart.

I do take my responsibilty in all this, I did not expect to be judged, was just feeling down. My DH used to be wonderful, now he is a different person completely and if it is only money that did this to him, then he has an uncompatible set of values with mine. I think that as well intentioned as these sites are they are not very helpful and I for one will certainly not be posting about my problems again because, as you said, only I know what is going on, no-one else can know and therefore no-one else can help.

Sorry for the length, just don't like being told off like a 10 yr old who didn't get her sweets!

PS I do share my problems with my mother AND DH, although most of the time he got fed up with me "moaning" so I had no choice!

I always thought that these sites were more to discuss things and get other perspectives on things, which is what people seem to have posted.

I'm sorry Rocklover, but I do feel that you're willing to not post anymore just because someone posted something that you did not want to hear! If you don't like someone's opinion then fair enough but next time someone might post something which is really helpful. I'm sure everyone is trying to be helpful, but only you can read all the comments & decide which ones are helpful in your opininon if that makes any sense.

I do think that it is strange how you didn't work FT if it was really necessary for you to do so, Millions of people have children in FT childcare & these children do just as well as those with SAHM & there's nothing to be guilty of.

Do you think OH may change if you're living with him in the flat? It must be quite stressful sharing a house with so many people etc. Also the not showering thing - maybe he feels that he's in peoples way by using the bathroom too often?

If you wanted to study then there are plenty of options available whereby you could do a majority of home study with evening classes or classes at times when it is convenient for childcare etc. I don't really see the point of studying because someone else wants you to - you need to do it for you.

My husband has not had good hygiene for years and will do nothing about it, so that has nothing to do with living at my parents house, his parents never took him to the dentist as a child so he grew up with that attitude.

One of the problems I had with putting DD in FT childcare is that I don't drive (husband cannot as has poor sight), which also meant that I was going to have to get her to a childminder (nursery was too expensive). All the childminders nearest to us were on the new housing estates which are not in walking distance and buses were not regular. This all meant that I would end up dropping her off at 7.30am at the latest in order to get myself to work and it would vary as to what time she could be picked up, but probably not til 6pm at least.

Also even when I was working FT and I worked bloody hard, (including putting DH through his PGCE course!) I used to leave before DH and get in after him as I was commuting to London and he barely lifted a finger to help. Wouldn't cook, iron, clean etc and refused to do shopping, which often meant I did it on the way home so I was even later, then I would walk in to find him asleep in the chair. He didn't change when DD was born, if anything he was worse.

All these problems could have been addressed if he had been able to talk to me about it, but he just saw it as nagging. We had a chinese student living with us whilst I was at uni to help with the bills and guess what? I had to do everything for him too, as well as ferry DD about, look after her most of the time, clean the house, cook and study. Only for DH to moan that I was boring and he complained about how much time I was spending on my uni work! In fact we were supposed to take turns having lie-ins at the weekend, only I hardly ever got one and if I did I was made to feel so guilty that I had to get up!

I do value people's opinions, but LST did not put it across very well and it caught me on the hop. What is so wrong with wanting to be at home with your child? It won't be forever and I knew (know) that the liklihood of me having another one was (is) very small, I wanted to make the most of my time with her. I made it quite clear to DH before we had her that I would prefer to work PT. I did look at some FT jobs and DH said that they would not be enough money (although he now denies this).

It is so hard trying to write about all this, DH is not evil and we get on, but he admits he found the emotional stuff very hard and still does. I guess that everyone on here will ulitimately think that I am selfish for not getting a job and I suppose I have to live with that, but I did what I thought was right in difficult circumstances. No my DH didn't beat me, he didn't have an affair or do anything terrible, but he didn't show me any love, and I was always last on his list of priorities. I just couldn't take anymore.

rockover if it is any help my hd smokes cigars and often comes to bed having not cleaned his teeth. he doesnt shower as much as me but thats men i came to the conclusion. i now work ft as dh hated his job and was out the house 14hrs a day. plus we seemed to live a hand to mouth exsistance he wouldnt see dss from one weekend to the next. my job is more flexible. he is a sahd working at weekends and is happy as larry. the dss still go to cm twice a week as ds1 did when i worked pt. i also ended up back at my parents aged 30 following a relationship and it was very difficult. when things are bad everthing about your partner irritates you especially the little things, these then grow and become the issue i feel. go out on a date(with dh) and just see if there is anything there. i do believe that for children it is healthier to have two happy parents apart than two unhappy ones together.

Rocklover I apologise for offending you.

I have lived at my mothers home with a baby aged 34 and I agree it is NOT easy. However I went back to work when my ds was 3 months old ( part time) and got a FT job when he was 11 months old. I needed the money to set us up.

anyway, i apologise again for upsetting you, but I agree with Blondilocks - to an extent if you dont want a slightly tough opinion, then posting may not help you.

Sorry for taking offence, just feeling very fragile today. I know that I did what I could and I suppose that has to be good enough, there were many other issues apart from the the job. The environment I was in made it very hard for me to make rational decisions.

At the moment I am stuck somewhere I don't want to be and if I go back I am stuck somewhere I don't want to be. I have never shirked from work before and that isn't what happened last year. In fact many times I felt that it would be better to have a FT job than a baby because at least I would get some sort of respect from my DH, although it always made feel dreadful to think those things.

The one thing I know is that I will never have what I want which is a stable family life with 2.4 kids and a loving husband. The liklihood of me having another child (with or without DH) is slim, my age, have a back injury that was discovered because of post pregnancy pain and obviously finances.

Going back to DH would be easier than leaving, I still consider it now, even though I know I would be unhappy, but at least DD would have 2 parents together.

That is enough from me, feel too sad at the moment.

Okay, Im going to sound really horrid now, but I agree with LST and Blondilocks.

Your thread title says it all really. "Feel I must take responsibility!". Quite frankly, yes, you should. You are an adult, you are big enough to make decisions and take action. From what you have posted it seems that whilst you know what you want, you havent been as willing as you could have been to play a part in making those changes. And it's no good saying "well he didn't either". You are the grown up - if money situations mean that changes need to be made, then those changes need to be made. Life is tough - thats just the way it is. You didnt want to move out from your parents, you didnt want to work (f/t), what, in all honesty did you expect? We all have to do things we don't want to do. I have the utmost sympathy for you for not wanting to work full time - i have never wanted to either. I am currently working 27 hours a week which (not including currently 8 hours a week overtime on top at the weekend), quite frankly, is 27 hours too much but you have got to do what you have got to do. You said the environment made it difficult - well, yes, it would do. I can thoroughly understand your DH wanting to move out in that case. If you feel like you are being told off like a 10 year old naughty child, maybe thats because you are acting a little like one?

With regard to his personal hygiene, Im guessing that he wasnt always like that. I suspect with the stress of living with his Inlaws, being pushed into being a parent when he wasnt keen to, and then being put under HUGE financial pressure because you then didnt want to work - im guessing he is probably suffering depression. Personal hygiene is one of the first things to go when you are depressed.

I'd love to be sympathetic, but im sorry - i just cant seem to be when you appear to be so blinkered.

Im so so sorry.

xxx

VVV I have spent this whole rwaltionship doing things I didn't want to do, but I did it for my DH, I gave all my friends to move to London to be with him. When we moved out of London back to my home town (DHs idea) I did it. When he decided he wanted to go to London again, although I hated it there I did it. I commuted into central London to make as much money as I could. On our 2nd date I was forced to kiss (in a spanish wa) his father as a sign of respect as he wanted DH to dump me (which DH told me and forced me to do or we couldn't carry on in the relationship).

I have always been civil to his parents when they have been very impolite to me, I set up a standing order to his account when we were skint during his PGCE. I supported him when he gave up his teaching job (when we were TTC), because he hated it so much.

I suggested stopping TTC when we were moving, but he refused. I did not work through my PG because we had moved and I was hospitalized for sickness, but still he nagged me to work and made me feel guilty every day, but by the time I was better I was too far along to get a job, so I did freelance work at home.

Apart from the fact that I did absolutely everything in the house when I was working FT, except when he would have one of his tantrums and tidy the whole house whilst having a go at me for being lazy.

I think I did my bit and I actually think you are(dare I say it) being extremely judgemental, no I am not perfect, but neither is my DH a poor put upon man who married a lazy, stroppy woman.

By the way, I have been reading the threads on here for quite a while and I have not seen many posts attacking the OP like you have (although you call it an "opinion"). I did not want absolution, but neither did I want to be branded as a horrible person. I am sure after your post VVV everyone will now feel my DH is well shot of me, so you should all be happy for him that he has had a lucky escape.

Sorry all this is my last post on this thread. I would just like to say for the record, that there have been some very helpful replies to my OP and for that I am very grateful to all of you who took the time.

I took exception to LST's post, but realised that I was possibly being a little sensitive, so apologised for my reply. However I must confess I have been very upset at what VVV said, as I felt it was a very harsh judgement of me, and I promise you all I am not a witch, which is how the post made me feel I am perceived as.

I am pretty disgusted with myself as it has made me quite tearful and very depressed about my life. I phoned my DH and absolved him from any blame, I told him that I was selfish in not working FT and that I was sorry. I don't want anyone to think that I am a horrible person so I am going to refrain from posting any further on this thread.

Again LST I apologise for taking your post the wrong way and thanks to all other repliers (apart from VVV) I really do appreciate the support.

Ho Hum

I feel a bit responsible for this - as the one who 'took the bull by the proverbial horns' and said stuff that it seems as tho a few others agree with.

at the risk of being boring - Rocklover re-read VVV's post. and again, She apologises twice for articulating less than supportive thoughts. Nowhere do I see you being described as a 'witch', on the contrary. I see/read a fellow woman agreeing that working with a young child is hard and not what you might want but at times, has to be done. ( like anniemac described) Yes I read some words encouraging you to take your full responsibilty for the breakdown of your marriage - if that is what it becomes ~ but you know its almost always a combination.........

What next?

I woud very strongly suggest YOU get some marriage counselling. If dh wont go with you go alone. Help yourself come to terms with whatever outcome you decide - and equip your self and dd for a bettre future with or without dh.

fwiw, I gave birth to ds1 at 33, alone with no support or acknowledgement from his biological father. I too lived with my mother ( my father is dead)I am now 41 have been married for 5 years and have ds2 &3 as well. LOOK FORWARD.

best wishes

LST x