different libidos and emotional abuse

[whisperinglow]

I acknowledge that my dh and I have different libidos. I have never consciously refused him, I suppose I just don't initiate sex that often or give off the right signals.

Over the years this has apparently caused massive resentment on his part.

Since January 2013 I was really making a huge effort but there were a couple of 'blips' where work was very stressful (we work together) and in September he just 'changed'.

Overnight, my life just seemed to disintegrate. He behaved so appallingly, so unkindly, I just didn't know where to turn or what to do.

He refused counselling. I went on my own. My counsellor has said very bluntly that what I have described to her from over the years amounts to fairly high level emotional abuse.

My dh has now started to open up to me again and he says that everything is always triggered by my lack of desire. He just can't cope with it. He says that he was propositioned a few months ago and opportunities present themselves all the time. He feels resentful that he has to stay monogamous because we are married.

I just don't know now whether to end our relationship - 18 years and a big decision. I feel that I am always going to be on tenterhooks if there are ever any more 'blips'.

Sorry for the long post. My gut instinct is that his attitude and our relationship is all wrong but I've just got that nagging doubt that it really is all down to me.

Some people see a man not getting as much sex as he thinks he deserves and the "spread em" klaxon goes off. It's quite predictable.

Sex for sex sake, based on a pure measure of libido is the sort of thing a person would do as relief with a person they intend on never having a relationship with and may not even fancy. Nothing wrong with that if it suits but not relevant within a relationship where sex becomes an expression of intimacy and closeness as well as just the physical benefits.
Not surprising then that a person may not feel like being close and intimate with someone if, for example, they have annoyed you in some way, or you feel unsupported. Lots of opportunity for this to occur over the course of a relationship, everybody falls out for a while at some point. Ongoing communication problems where issues have not been discussed and resolved lead to resentment - you don't feel attracted by someone who you don't feel is being as supportive as they could be within the relationship.
Behind issues with sex frequency, there are often other problems that require sorting out. OP there are likely lot's of reasons why you don't feel up for it with your DH. Question is, can those be sorted out or has this gone too far for too long ? Is it possible for people who have perhaps not had open and honest communication for years to flick a switch and behave differently? Only you know that.

OP, on my personal experience, exH also complained about lack of sex. He usually just fell asleep on the sofa anyway, or was generally a bastard, so not surprising.

However, and this is what is relevant for you, I remember once he complained about us never having sex and me not wanting sex with him, when actually I had been making that effort and we had had more sex in the fast few weeks than before.
It dawned on me that it was not the lack of sex. Nothing was enough for him. He just wanted to blame it all on me anyway.

Ok, thanks for all the responses. I will go back and read them all properly when I have time later on. But in answer to a few questions:

We used to have a much better relationship but we run a demanding business, have 2 dc's who seem to bicker more than is good for anyone and my FIL is now living with us. I think life has got in the way and I have found all that very stressful.

Dh has a temper. He has never been physically violent to me, but gets angry over everything that doesn't go his way. His method of dealing with things is to explode and then he generally feels better. The rest of us are left bobbing behind in his wake. I'm still upset about things days later after an outburst and he has no comprehension about how his behaviour has affected me. Under those circumstances I just don't feel like going to bed with him.

In Sept/Oct he cut me completely out of the business citing that I was not managing it properly. He also complained to my friend that I never dressed nicely and didn't wear make up often enough. I felt he became obsessed with employing young, pretty things who massaged his ego.

He says that all of the above is as a direct result of my lack of desire and I should take responsibility for it.

ugh horrible man

How did he completely cut you out of the joint business?
How does that work financially? Is he able to hide assets?

Get legal advice asap.

He sounds horrible and, TBH, I'd be surprised if he hasn't already cheated.
He seems to be planting the seeds to excuse it when you find out, or to justify it in his own head.

And I wouldn't want to have sex with him either. I'm not surprised by what you said about him.
He sounds more and more abusive.

Once a week is a compromise though isn't it? I don't see what the OP could do differently assuming there isn't a magic solution to a low sex-drive.

He is blackmailing you. He doesn;t sound like a particulary nice man. My sympathies.

Well, he certainly knows how to make himself desirable, doesn't he? A real prince amongst men

He sounds repulsive OP. He seems to think that it's his right to sit back and moan about not getting sex as much as he wants, but do nothing constructive to actually help! What does he do for you/your sex life to help things along? Does he take you out for romantic meals? Give you massages? Do his share around the house? Treat you with love and respect? And when you have sex, is it all about him and what he gets out of it?

He sounds very selfish and like he wants to blame you for any affairs he might have. You need to stand up to this bully, put your foot down and start demanding the things YOU need and want.

Or, just leave the twat.

Incompatable sex drives but i reckon that's the least of your problems OP. This man is a grade a cunt. Oh, and forget that shite he has telling you about having had "offers." He is clearly just lying just to try make himself seem more desirable to you. Pathetic man.

whisperinglow, this man IS being EA and your counsellor was spot on. Ignore the bizarre postings earlier regarding having to sacrifice your dignity on the spike of his erection and other related nonsense. You sound strong and clear and very bright, and he doesn't deserve you. Other threads on this site about emotional abuse will chime very very loudly to you if you search for them. There's a great list of what constitutes EA here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1963156-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-thread-28?

Have a look - very very useful. It will answer some of your questions.

And I can recommend the Lundy book. I sat in my local bookshop a few weeks ago with my new copy and a cup of coffee and had to keep stopping and staring out the window, to digest the rather brutally dawning truth properly. It's a bit of a shocker to realise that it applies to your own life. But it opens your eyes wide and helps you step back, understand, and get the distance you need to think clearly again.

Sending a big hug. You're in good company here. :) The last few posts are spot on. ;))

His problem isn't the lack of sex, once a week sex is regular sex and no man is going to explode if he's getting his hole every week, sorry to be blunt.

He sounds vile OP, he's emotionally abusive towards you and seems to think he's far superior, dotting pretty little things round his office and booting you out, there's your real problem, the man has no respect for you, why the hell are you still with him???