different libidos and emotional abuse

[whisperinglow]

I acknowledge that my dh and I have different libidos. I have never consciously refused him, I suppose I just don't initiate sex that often or give off the right signals.

Over the years this has apparently caused massive resentment on his part.

Since January 2013 I was really making a huge effort but there were a couple of 'blips' where work was very stressful (we work together) and in September he just 'changed'.

Overnight, my life just seemed to disintegrate. He behaved so appallingly, so unkindly, I just didn't know where to turn or what to do.

He refused counselling. I went on my own. My counsellor has said very bluntly that what I have described to her from over the years amounts to fairly high level emotional abuse.

My dh has now started to open up to me again and he says that everything is always triggered by my lack of desire. He just can't cope with it. He says that he was propositioned a few months ago and opportunities present themselves all the time. He feels resentful that he has to stay monogamous because we are married.

I just don't know now whether to end our relationship - 18 years and a big decision. I feel that I am always going to be on tenterhooks if there are ever any more 'blips'.

Sorry for the long post. My gut instinct is that his attitude and our relationship is all wrong but I've just got that nagging doubt that it really is all down to me.

Oohhhh

Val is one of them-there one trick pony types. Pops that little head up and waves it around on these kinds of threads.

OP, had you had any thoughts at all about what might have changed your partner from a hitherto ok kinda guy to one who feels entitled to disrespect you ?

A ha

Dirtybadger

Feminism = sex - great: Feel good about it and doing.

DB what you have to do is turn it off and turn it back on again

That should restore it back to the factory settings of "Stepford" and take it back to pre 1991 before that pesky criminalisation of rape within marriage

don't thank me

whispering you have a "nagging doubt" it's "all down to you"

No.

It's not.

OP, I'm assuming that in the early stages of your relationship you had sex more than once a week, and he's still feeling entitled to that level (despite work, life issues taking their toll)

Why do you think the frequency has gone down and you're not maybe as enthusiastic as you were? could it be because he's being a bit of a tosser?

Sorry Op , it sounds to me like he took the opportunity that presented itself and that's why he's been horrible to you.

I don't know why men think they can get married and get fat and lazy and still expect their wives to be all over them. If he wants a better sex life , that's not unreasonable in my view , but the question is , what's he going to do about it ?

Does he take you out on dates , does he make an effort with his appearance ? Is he generally affectionate and supportive ? If not then he needs to look at that , it's not enough to say we're married therefore you should find me attractive.

I understand being the high libido partner. Being rejected, while being held to monogamy feels like emotional blackmail. "I don't want you, but I'll force you to be celibate your whole life" it feels crap. I feel like I've been tricked into forced celibacy after I committed. Im now staying for my child and don't expect things to change, hoping for change was destroying my self esteem. I've accepted it, and that I probably won't get more children.

But if I had sex weekly or close to, and my partner was still loving, I would be fine that it wasn't 3 times a week. I'm not unrealistic, I expect things to change at times. But I basically get zilch, even on kid free days, holidays and times with no excuses. I've stopped even trying - your partner might be hurtful and frustrated but he still is trying?

I can't tell from your post if your partner is ea. resentful maybe, hurt certainly. Is your partner supportive, affectionate and loving the rest of the time? He might be abusive but I wanted to give you the "other" side of it.

It's not always the man that wants more sex though. I want more sex than my dh and it does cause issues in a relationship.

Every single time you have sex without really wanting to or because you feel you should - a little part of you disappears. it is that loving, caring, sexy part of you which is gone for ever. You get to the point where having loving sex is almost impossible. you have reached a point in your relationship where you feel nothing but resentment, anger for having to have sex, an inability to talk about it and sometimes fear about the consequences of saying no.

None of this is conducive to a loving sexual relationship.

Conversely - every time you tell your partner why you don't want sex, openly and carefully and explain that it isn't a reflection on them - when you ask for cuddles, a night out together or something which brings you closer rather than sex - you get closer get to a place where you want sex again.

This has to be something which is worked on from both sides - getting angry and treating your Oh like crap is never going to solve this problem. Your husband is coming across as entitled - but not willing to help you reach a place where you love him again. he is accepting none of the blame and that isn't helping.

This is the MN Relationship Mantra - you should never expect sex, never try and find sex elsewhere if you aren't getting it, you must just suck it up - and if you complain you are abusive.

It's all bollocks of course, real life gets in the way despite the haranguing. Most people cannot live without sex and will sort it out one way or another. I suspect that fact explains why quite a few of those on MN Relationships are trying so fervently to prop up this ridiculous mantra.

The op and her dh do have regular sex.

My original comments were quite harsh (more in response to val's opinion than the OP's situation) but your husband is not being completely unreasonable by bringing up wanting sex more than once per week. He is being unreasonable if he thinks the way to achieve that is to tell you he has had other offers and that, tbh, he resents you because he couldn't shag them.

you should never expect sex, never try and find sex elsewhere if you aren't getting it, you must just suck it up

You could leave, or try and talk about it too.

Either way though, just because it isn't necessarily an accurate reflection on Real Life it doesn't mean that anyone should compromise their prinicples on the basis that "everyone else" does. To some people dignity and self respect trump their natural desires.

Anything else is pure fatalism really.

I agree with AF - his horrid behaviour towards you coincided with him being unfaithful - sorry. And he is justifying his infidelity by putting all the blame onto you OP - textbook sadly. Not your fault.

But the DH is getting regular sex, isn't he?

And, to be fair, if you simply cannot live without sex more than once a week, I don't think the way to achieve that is to blame your partner for everything that is going wrong in your life, to absolve yourself of all your problems by saying that if the OP was to be jumping on him every day then his life would be wonderful.

I don't think it's fair, in any situation to place the blame entirely on your partner.
If the OP was to decide that she had to sleep with him twice a day to make his life better, it would have a negative impact on her life and the way she feels.
I don't understand why that is preferable?

And what if that didnt solve the problem? What if his life didnt get better and he more relaxed and happy because he wanted something different? If he decided that he wanted, for example, a threesome with one of these people constantly propositioning him? Or more adventurous sex? Or anything like that?

Is the OP expected to provide that as well, even if she doesn't want to?

The OP and her DH are not living in a sexless marriage.
But if he were my DH and he was blaming me for the problems in his life because we were not having enough sex or he was resentful that he had to turn down all of these countless offers then I'm afraid he would not be in any marriage at all.

One person does not get to decide that their "needs" are more important than the other persons. They do not get to decide that their life has to be made better by the other person doing something that they do not want to do, in order to make them happy.
That's not an equal partnership. That is one person saying "this is what I need. And rather than work it out myself whst I have to do to achieve it, I am instead handing all the responsibility to you to make me happy."

For those saying she should have more sex with this man, what about the emotional abuse? I see all the 'poor ickle menz will die without sex, if they don't get as mich as they want, it makes them do bad fings, nobody can expect them to behave decently blahblahblah' types are studiously overlooking this crucial factor.

And Val, no-one legally has to have sex with their spouse. It's not a legal right or requirement. Yes, women are allowed sexual agency, it's a brave new world, innit, cor!

Don't want to hijack OP's thread, but my OH has a very low libido. He is also very subtly EA and cotrolling (I do think that the low libido is a subconscious control). It is massively hurtful to feel so rejected. It's a constant cycle of me being hurt, feeling angry and resentful, and OH feeling angry and resentful because I'm being too vocal about my feelings.
After ten years I had an emotional affair with OM, he gave me attention and affection that I don't get from OH.. After 3 months we had sex, twice. I hate myself for it, I ended the affair and was completely honest with OH. I thought he deserved the truth, and the knowledge to make a decision on whether to leave me or try to resolve our problems,
He has done neither, the outcome is he is more resentful of me, and 3 people have been hurt, all my fault.
Sorry OP, no advice, just trying to show different aspects of the age old libido problem :-)

Cherry, leave your husband. You should have done it a long time ago. You are not compatible and never will be. The end.

"One person does not get to decide that their "needs" are more important than the other persons. They do not get to decide that their life has to be made better by the other person doing something that they do not want to do, in order to make them happy"

That works both ways in a relationship though. "Compromise" does not mean "I get my way and you get to suck it up"

Emotional abuse is not acceptable, for any reason, from any partner

Leave if the relationship is not working. It's not rocket science. Having sex you don't want to keep an abusive partner, having affairs because you are unhappy.

The common denominator is clear

Just leave

Compromise is great in theory, and applicable to most relationship issues. I'm not convinced it works in High Drive/Low Drive sexual relationships though. In those cases I think it's better to err on the side of caution and stick with what the Low Drive partner wants.

Ultimately though that may mean the HD partner leaves (ideally) or in Real Life (tm) affairs etc. occur.

He resents you after years of soul-destroying loneliness and has obviously done so for a long time.

You presumably do not want a complete change of life where every day and a half you endure something you're just not into, and have had to deal with years of resentment, which is presumably torment in itself.

Perhaps it's because I am "patriarchal", but I see it as generally "on him" to STFU and deal with it like a grown-up for as long as he possibly can, bruised self esteem is not a legitimate reason for a man to break a life-long promise.

That said, some of the people here (not the OP) who are like "fuck him, let him die in a hole if he doesn't like it" remind me of male friends I have known - to whom I have said you are free to live a life without compromise if you like - we all are, but rest assured something will give at the other side of your marriage if you do. I have been proven right in this.

Truly if never the twain shall meet, if there is no compromise to be made and your DH will not pull himself together, a catastrophe is on the horizon and you might be better off averting that now. On the other hand if you can get together and quell this massive storm which has grown out of its teacup some years ago, you may find that like other small problems that grow hugely out of proportion, it can be resolved with effort and reason. Your partner needs to understand that meeting you halfway patiently is essential rather than approaching it with the mindset that he is entirely the wronged party, and that it takes effort for you to do this too.

Whispering, what did he do that was so appalling and unkind?

What has he done to actually lead you to want more sex?

He has found a way of blaming you for his bad behaviour. Instead of owning up to it, apologising and behaving better.

I might try counselling so that you both find a way to improve your relationship and sex life (and it doesn't necessarily mean more, just better).
But if he is unhappy with what is happening at the moment, it should be his decision to leave. You should tell him that. And not to threaten you with infidelity if you don't make yourself have more sex with him. It's a red flag. Don't put up with it.

I can't help feeling that some people on this thread have read a different OP. The second sentence, right at the top there, is "I have never consciously refused him, I suppose I just don't initiate sex that often or give off the right signals". She is compromising, having sex when she doesn't particularly feel like it to keep him happy. She is not expecting her husband to remain celibate in respect for her preference; indeed I'm sure she would get a very hard time on here if she were, and rightly so (wasn't there a thread a few months ago from a woman asking how to get her husband to accept that very thing, and she was given very short shrift indeed?). Instead the OP is being bullied, yes I say bullied, to put out, and if that is the way to turn on anyone contributing to this thread, well, let us just say their tastes are different to mine.

I'd be prepared to bet that if she were treated in a loving, respectful way, she may never be a swinging from the chandelier twice nightly type of gal, but she would rediscover libido and find that the right kind of sex with the right kind of partner is a joyous thing, not a slightly distasteful duty.

Oh, and whisperinglow - LTB