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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has gone

35 replies

Hup · 02/03/2014 14:31

... And I don't know what to do. DS is inconsolable. DH left. No reason (have name changed and there is no one else so please do not come here if that is all you can say as I am devastated enough without having to battle that as well).

It has been going on for a few weeks since he decided to tell me he loved me but was no longer in love with me. He stayed for Christmas, DS birthday and an operation I had. Then this morning I woke up and he is packing. The only reason he can give is that he has been unhappy as I have not been there enough for him (had a miscarriage, dad had heart attack and close family member died in last 14 months).

I have to sell the house, find new schools (can't afford the area and DS in year 5 so need secondary application tomorrow - we live in catchment of only decent school).

I just don't know if I can go on

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Original poster
Hup · 02/03/2014 14:32

Not tomorrow - next year

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Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 02/03/2014 14:34

I am so, so sorry.

I hope you will be OK. Would it be possible to buy a smaller property still within the catchment area of the school. Or to keep the house until DS is enrolled in school and move then?

There may be more options, but you don't have to do any of this today. Make sure you and DS have something to eat, get a movie or go out to take his mind off it, and just try to hold on.

(((hugs)))

Bogeyface · 02/03/2014 14:37

Dont jump the gun re selling the house etc. THats what lawyers and mediation are for, to sort that stuff out so that you and DS dont end up in a worse situation because he buggered off.

Original poster
Hup · 02/03/2014 14:41

There is no way round it. He is the big earner ( but CSA payments are still shit). I will have to look to go back full time but still won't be able to take over the mortgage. He has said that he will need money to fund his own life!

Will try and see a solicitor this week.

I just can't believe he would do this

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Original poster
Hup · 02/03/2014 14:43

May book a holiday!

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Jazzicatz · 02/03/2014 14:44

I am so sorry to hear this - it must be such a shock?

Why don't you think that another woman is involved though?

Allalonenow · 02/03/2014 14:45

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
You do not need to make any rapid decisions, wait until you have calmed down, and until you know what his plans are.
Just get through today, try to eat, spend the day with your DS.

It doesn't seem like it now, but you will come though this and you and your DS will be fine.

Original poster
Hup · 02/03/2014 14:45

There isn't.

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FurryDogMother · 02/03/2014 14:46

Oh, you poor love. Reading your first post, it occurs to me that he should have been the one there for you with all you were going through. What a dick. Definitely go see a solicitor, and be prepared to fight for the support you and your child are entitled to. I am so sorry this has happened to you, and fuming on your behalf. Why are some men so bloody selfish and irresponsible?

Original poster
Hup · 02/03/2014 14:48

Thank you. 15 years together seems to count for nothing

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TheCatThatSmiled · 02/03/2014 14:52

Hup - see a solicitor - don't tell him what your solicitor says to you. Do not agree to anything, esp in writing. Just say 'ok, thank you for letting me know what you think. I'll have to think about that and get back to you'

With DC you may be in a stronger position than you realise re the house, especially if your career was/is disadvantaged due to DC. They need a home.

Take your time. Don't feel sorry for him, guilty, worried, sad. This is now about you and your DC. He has chosen to look after himself, let him.

Sort out contact arrangements ( outside your house) when you feel ready.

FabBakerGirl · 02/03/2014 14:52

I am so sorry your are hurting and I am sure you didn't plan on being married to a child - not there for him enough Hmm - but even so this will all be a shock.

I have no legal clue at all but surely you can't be made to leave the house when you have a child in school who needs to stay settled? That is so unfair. Your man-child has decided he wants out so he should have to pay.

Christmascandles · 02/03/2014 14:53

You poor thing.. I think I remember your story from earlier. I'm sorry he's gone Hmm

Don't make any hasty decisions, you need proper legal advice. Yes he may need money to fund his 'new' life, but sadly his 'old' life isn't just going to disappear.

Make sure you've got the ds uniforms etc ready for the morning and lunch stuff. Remember to feed him! Drink some Brew yourself but no WineBlush

Gather together bank statements and your marriage certificate and if you have a joint account, transfer the money into your account. Change passwords on online banking.

Tomorrow, you need a solicitor. Is there anyone in RL who can help you...?

I know you must be devastated. Please remember though that he has been thinking about this for a while. And his thinking is therefore ahead of yours. Someone on here once said, when someone tells you who they are, listen.

Thanks
UptheChimney · 02/03/2014 14:53

So so sorry to read your OP, Hup

As others have said, don't assume things re selling the house & so on. Although he sounds like a right selfish wotsit with this: He has said that he will need money to fund his own life! He has a responsibility to fund his child's like first & foremost, and if you need to stay in the family home because of schools&so on,then you need to stay.

Get a really really good lawyer

Original poster
Hup · 02/03/2014 14:55

I don't know - financially we need to sell re debts etc

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FabBakerGirl · 02/03/2014 14:55

Fund his own life? What so his 9 year old has to support himself and his wife who has enabled him to do his fancy job can fuck off but just as long as the big I am can fund his own life?

He has been supporting a house and THREE people on is money so he doesn't need all of it for ONE person and a flat does he?

TheCatThatSmiled · 02/03/2014 14:56

Re suggestions of OW, seriously, it doesn't matter.

He's left - for whatever reasons.

I think you are right not to dwell on any speculation.

Now it's about YOU. Take care of yourself.

FabBakerGirl · 02/03/2014 14:57

What is different about the debts now he has fucked off? Whose debts are they? Surely joint if you are married?

TheCatThatSmiled · 02/03/2014 14:58

Are the debts joint? Have they been run up recently? Have you got any of the benefits?

These are all things taken into account. But that's for mediation, courts, etc.

Original poster
Hup · 02/03/2014 15:01

Joint debts. No benefits. Need to look in to that.

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Original poster
Hup · 02/03/2014 15:05

At least I will get my child benefit back

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Original poster
Hup · 02/03/2014 15:06

My mum and dad are here looking after us. I am trying to be strong for DS but I am a mess

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Original poster
Hup · 02/03/2014 16:29

Does it ever get better?

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FabBakerGirl · 02/03/2014 18:11

It really will, if any of the many threads I have read on here over the years are anything to go by. Whatever the future brings has got to be better than what you had before he went. Living with a person who can't cope with not being number 1 when life gets hard.

Original poster
Hup · 02/03/2014 18:36

But it hurts so much. He is a great man - until the last few weeks. I am torturing myself here remembering all the great things we have shared - we travelled and loved and laughed for 15 years - and had a few bad months. It must be me.

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