Husband left six weeks ago-struggling need advice

[Samsaraschoice]

I've never posted anything on here before so please forgive me if I do it wrong. I don't know all the abbreviations etc.
I am also 50 years old so don't even know if I'm allowed to post on here.
The problem is my beloved soulmate, love of my life husband left me six weeks ago. This is following a six year marriage (no mutual children, I have three but they have all left home this year, he has two but didn't see them much).
We are very different. He is a tradesman with no education and a very bad childhood involving desertion by his mum, sexual abuse and violence. I am a post grad educated professional but had a pretty bad childhood too with an abusive mother and alcoholic partner. We met three years after my last divorce and fell deeply into fairy tale love. He put me high in a pedestal as his princess and he was my hero/knight. Until he left we were still very much in love and having regular beautiful sex and were very affectionate. But the big downside was that he had become nastier and nastier and seemed to go into rages at the drop of a hat. We lived in my nice house and had a lovely lifestyle mainly paid for by me and he became more and more resentful and lost his self esteem which I fully acknowledge was my fault for not validating him enough and for trying to improve him re speech manners clothes etc. (which he originally said he wanted, but actually deeply resented). After a year or so, he started to show occasional violence towards me and the children. He would do things like push me from one end of the house to the other, shout right in my face, hold a clenched fist in front of me and he attacked my two sons several times, once picking up my 13 year old by his t shirt and legs and throwing him out of bed into the floor because he had been cheeky to me. He also put him in a hedge when he was 17 and grabbed my 20 year old son by the neck gouging bloody nail marks out of his skin.
In the last few months despite ongoing affection, he has had a hair trigger temper and the tiniest thing I said would set him off.
After telling me repeatedly to fk off in the pub after I had been sitting on his knee watching a band and I disagreed with him about whether they were like another band. He demanded that I get the f*g car and drive him home imediately. I was so shocked that I was crying as I tried to drive and he told me I was driving too slow and he got out of the car and stomped off ahead of me in a rage. Eventually I persuaded him to get back in the car and once we got home he started to pack his stuff. He told me that I had five minutes to admit I was wrong or he was going. I said through my sobs, that I couldn't say I was wrong just because he was telling me to, so he went.
In the next two weeks he was nice by text and said his aim was to get sorted and he begged to come back, but I said he needed anger management first and counselling. He quickly changed regarding coming back and turned very cold and hard and has now said it is definitely over although he can't rule out regretting it in six months or a year and may then come looking for me.
Yesterday he came to mend my roof as I had lost tiles and it was leaking. I was hopeful that this kindness meant he was starting to think about trying to resolve it, but to my absolute horror when I got home, he had left me a bill for his time for £80 and he also took the money from a jar I had told him about (because I thought he would need it for materials).
I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I had just about got over the horrific endless crying, insomnia, panic attack stages of aching loss and fear and have lost a stone in weight, but last night I couldn't sleep at all and feel really dreadful again this morning.
I am now beginning to think that this man is totally toxic and damaged too much and I should run, but there is another side to me that thinks I'm fifty years old and I have no one left at home and he is good looking and fit and when he is nice, there is no one more loving.
Part of me desperately wants to wait and give him time and see if I can help him, but the other side says to give up, that he is a selfish abuser and any man that sends his wife a bill for helping her is an absolute bastard with no hope. He cannot see that he is wrong in anyway for this and is angry that I have not thanked him for the work.
Any advice would be very much appreciated.

^I was taught long ago that all people have many sides to them and one bad facet does not necessarily meant that the person as a whole is bad.
He was abandoned by his mother aged 12, his father beat him regularly with a belt and fists and his step mother sexually abused him and threatened to tell his father that he'd stolen stuff if he did not comply. She did this and he was kicked out and lived in his own from the age of fifteen. It's pretty harsh, so maybe some compassion is in order?^

OP, for sure this chap has had a shit start in life. But what I am struggling to get my head around in this thread is that you seem to be downplaying the fact that he assaulted your children. This whole story really should end there. He really does sound a dreadful, dreadful man. Why on earth are you making excuses for him? Surely your instinct as a mother should be to be protective of your children?

Leave the compassion to somebody else. It's not your job to feel compassion or try to fix or help this person.

That's his job. And he won't be able to do it.

Your job is to start reading up on red flags (your very first post screamed a million red flags only you don't seem able to see that) keep this violent bully away from you and your boys physically and emotionally.

If one of your sons truly does like this man of yours, then maybe, by example, you have (sadly) schooled your son in the wretched art of loving your abuser. Your son should be horrified by this husband of yours.

I genuinely can't see him as dangerous, as I feel he knows how far he is going, but even I can see what a pathetic excuse that is

I hope you can see that OP as this is the most dangerous thing you've said. It's tantamount to giving him leeway to be abusive so long as he knows how to stop just short of the line. Where is that line?

It's perfectly possible to feel compassion and sympathy for someone who had a bad early life without exposing yourself and your family to bearing the brunt of them replaying it at your cost.

I think you need to get over this business of you being the educated professional cutting him slack and him the labourer who was abused in early life, and just see exactly where you're at and the reality of how he treats the people around him.

People are allowed mistakes. People learn, grow and change. But in this instance nearly everyone is getting a very bad vibe from the situation you describe. Maybe there's a very good reason that the groundswell of opinion is leaning this way?

He's had a rough life for sure. But he's very much a grown up and should be responsible for his actions.

He's not an injured bird to be rescued and healed. He's a violent abusuve bulky himself. Don't enable or excuse a grown man.

Plenty of mumsnetters have suffered horrendous childhoods and have worked hard to ensure they never repeat this behaviour.

He is dangerous. He hasn't been to you so far, but he has assaulted your sons before.
Perhaps he has been able to stop short of something more serious, but there are no guarantees he will next time.
Make sure you give him no chance to do the same to you, or worse.

Sorry not bulky - bully

I too can't get over the fact that you're pinning for this poor excuse of a man, who was violent to you and your children! Fucking HELL! Wanting to reconnect with someone who bullied you and was abusive to your sons, throwing one out of his bed when he was 13...pushing you around the house...no doubt your sons had to witness some of this behaviour. And you're missing him? Seriously???? You need to get help if you think this man deserves sympathy. I too had a pretty shitty childhood and so did many others but I don't go around being violent or abusive. What i dont get is that you seem to be mostly upset that he charged you for fixing the roof...walk away OP.

It's even worse than I thought, he attacked your sons SEVERAL TIMES... And you want him back??? Whaaattttt???

I have come from an abusive bacckground, but no way would a man hurt my kids, it is a massive NO, abuse repeats abuse, i hope your big boys have had time and therapy ,

Yes, some compassion is in order. To the children you brought into the world, are trying to raise, and allowed this grown man to choose of his own free will to terrorise.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but that's the reality. His childhood sounds unspeakable. But it's also over. Your own kids are still living theirs - surely you can't think allowing him to make theirs unspeakable in turn is right?

He's had opportunities at relationships and parenting, he's done the counselling, he's had the good breaks. And he's still a cunt.

And he'll still be a vicious controlling piece of shit in 10 years time. You understanding why he became like that doesn't alter the fact.

You can't polish a turd but you can roll it in glitter.

Change the locks and don't look back.

Samaras- you sound like a thoughtful and gentle person. You have been rational and measured in how you dealt with him especially not backing down on your view and demanding anger management.

I recommend intensive exercise and sports ( eg tennis, jogging, gym classes) to help you through this period. Hugs

Guys - I understand why Samars tried to help her partner and she wasn't aware of his abuse to her sons I believe. Please be gentle and compassionate to this nice caring woman.

And correcting myself, he is dangerous also because he has been dangerous towards you as well as your children.
He would do things like push me from one end of the house to the other, shout right in my face, hold a clenched fist in front of me

TDada - she was not aware of the worst act of abuse, against the 13 year old. But she was aware of the rest, including the incident where blood was drawn.

It's not your role to fix him. You sound well rid of him. Imagine another 30 years with this man and also your dc knowing you put him above them if you do go back.

You cannot go back anyway, after all he has done. You know that, I think.

Forget the £80- get someone else to do the work, change the locks, go nc and arrange some time with friends, go and visit your dc, and congratulate yourself on seeing the light before he really hurt you. You're not a punchbag emotionally or physically. Neither are your dc.

You have a chance to show them even if someone is ok some of the time, its not good enough if they are a fucking nightmare the rest of it. And you don't have to put up with it. Morally or otherwise.

Let him sort himself out and worry about you. Why on earth would you go back for more?

It's only been 6 weeks - it can be hard to reconfigure someone you love, and someone you thought was your soul mate into someone who is manipulative and violent. This takes time but please be open to the harsh but true words here - this man is not a force for good. No adult human should be fixing another one at the expense of their safety.

I'm sorry this has happened but this man is showing you who he really is. It's perfectly ok to grieve and to feel conflicted. That is normal. But hear everyone clearly - he has crossed a line and cannot return. He should be facing charges IMO.

Your DCs are the innocent priorities in this scenario. Protect them and their futures from violence and the psychological repercussions of abuse - which you are so sympathetic to in your ex.

There are places that can help you untangle the mixed feelings and emotions. I would be looking at domestic violence charities for guidance.

You said he packed a bag, but I must have missed where he had retreated to.

I see nothing wrong in him billing you, as you stated more than once that this is your house. Yours, not both, even though you were married.

£80 for a roof repair is materials only. Believe me it is.

None of the above excuses abuse. Posters have told you to dispose of him and I agree.

You are 50 years of age sitting on a man's knee watching a band in the Pub? Yet you are worried about being alone?
I don't think you'll be alone for long. Get back down to that pub on Band Night and sit on someone else's knee.

To answer some questions.
Serina The £80 was for his labour, he also charged me extra for materials which I don't mind. Am I missing something here? I am really hurt by the fact that someone who was my husband six weeks ago and lived in this house as our marital home has written me a bill for helping me and taken the money?! If he came to me with an injury or illness, I would never ever charge him for treating him (or indeed any friend or relative). How can it possibly be right? It's callous and hard and incredibly hurtful and had I known beforehand, of course I would have got a workman to do it. I thought he was doing me a favour because he still cared. He was my husband living in this house with me for six years.
He is living with his mother, yes the one who abandoned him as a child. She is selfish and insensitive, but in his eyes can do no wrong. He won't hear a word against her.
Perhaps I don't seem as reactive about the assaults on the children as everyone wants, because they were over 18 months ago. We discussed them with the counsellor, he apologised to the boys and agreed he was wrong. I do think I was overly influenced by the counsellor, but you go to them for guidance don't you? In retrospect I think we should have been going to domestic abuse counselling and that would definitely be a condition of any reunion.
My middle son is adamant that he has not been damaged in any way by the attack. I asked him again today and he still likes H and has stayed in touch. He says people deserve chances. Also everyone please don't forget that they all live away from home and are no longer very affected by it.
I do know the abuses were awful, but I thought they were done and dusted. The pushing and shouting at me has been more recent though, but very much in the dramatic last few months of splitting up when emotions have been very high on both sides.
Lastly, I would say that I have been very vulnerable and at times suicidal and still cry many times every day. A few of the more recent posts have been insensitive, opinionated and harsh. I would ask those people to be more careful of what they say and how they say it. To criticise me for not protecting my children properly may well be true, but is a dangerous thing to say to someone so recently left and desolate.
For that reason, I will no longer be looking to Mumsnet for support. Most of you have been wonderful, but I can't risk reading abusive posts when I am so vulnerable.
I have noticed this bossiness in other posts. For instance one in which another poor soul has been left by her husband and is desolate. Many posters have been going on and on insisting there is another woman without any evidence at all to prove this, just that he left. How cruel and insensitive is that? She is in bits and they are just making it worse.
This must be the unpleasant side of Mumsnet that I have heard about.
I expect I will get some vitriolic comments about this too, which frankly will just prove my point.
Lastly thank you to all the many sweet ladies who took the time and care to write to me. I really appreciated it. Love to you all.

Sorry I forgot to say, I have changed my username as I think it was too recognisable to people who know me.

Oh OP I'm sorry to read that and sorry if I wasn't gentle enough in my advice.

6 weeks isn't very long and breaking up is absolutely vile. Of course you feel wretched and hurt and vulnerable. Heartbreak is crap. It will pass, I promise.

He's billing you for money - well who knows why - maybe to hurt you / because he's cruel / because he's greedy. Who knows. Try not to let it eat you up. Try not to waste your previous energy second guessing his actions. Focus on you and your recovery.

The assaults and aggression you described we're so shocking it seemed impossible that your DCs would be unaffected by them but of course we can take your word.

I hope that you continue posting on this thread. It can help.

I don't know about the other thread you mentioned - only to say I've see 100s where the OP was adamant there wasn't another woman including my own and there always, always is.

Not previous! Precious energy!

I'm sorry, too. I posted very late and very hormonal (extremely new baby) which is never wise. I'm so sorry you are feeling as you are, and hope things improve soon. This is such a hard time in your life, but I think it's very hard to understand why you aren't angrier with him, basically. Perhaps you are in shock right now, which would be only too understandable.

I will say that the other thread you mention - there was an OW, and the OP is now handling that. People were, sadly, correct and I think helped her cope with the reality when it became apparent. It proved to her that it was not her fault, because the prediction made alongside that statement was so accurate. Miserably it usually seems to be on here.

OP - yes he had a rough start in life. SO DID YOU.

Your description of the hurt child inside him is also true of you. Please focus your care on you and your children from now on

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